To think Stay-at-Home Mum does NOT equal Stay-at-Home Cleaner?!

[SlinkyB]

Just had a shouting match with DH as he was pissed off I suggested we take it in turns to do some long-arm cleaning jobs this weekend, whilst the other looks after the kids.

He works full-time in a local office. I'm a SAHM to a 22mo and 4yo, who's just started school.

During the week I do all school runs, food shopping, cooking, vacuuming, dusting, washing up/dishwasher, change bedding, all laundry and 50% of the ironing.

I do not have time to do stuff like cleaning the oven, deep cleaning bathrooms (x2) or bedrooms (x4) or conservatory.

I think we should share those jobs. He wants me to do them whilst he takes ds1 to the cinema Said "SAHM goes hand-in-hand with cleaning".

Last time I checked, my name wasn't fucking Cinderella

Yanbu you have my heartfelt sympathies. i have same prob with husband, although he does more now i feel guilty for asking for more help.

We have 4 bathrooms and i hate cleaning them cant be done in 30mins no matter how fast i try. I often have to clean 1 bathroom everyday because mil doesnt know how to sit on toilet idont kno if its dementia or just doesnt care i honestly feel like crying if i find t filthy having cleaned it night before.

As for vac that can take few hours :(

Btw i have 4 kids 2 elders to care for and mug that i am im pregnant. Im seriously considering sterilisation because although he does some domestics it will always be too much on my head.

Now im being pressured to drive which id love to but imavoiding bevause i think ill get lumbered withschool and mosque runs i feel like im at the end of the line already

If you worked full time and hired a nanny, the house would need just as much 'housework' (because it's not like it would be empty all day), but it is understood that while a nanny will often clean up after the DCs, they don't clean.

In your sitution, I would start looking for a job.

He needs to be told to fuck riiiiiiiiiight off

It's an offensive attitude. You don't need to put up with it.

Everythinggettingbetter your husband sounds worse than the OPs!

You work longer than your husband yet you get to also do nearly everything in the house and for your children.

Tell him yes he might be better than his mates but tell him that mates like his usually end up bloody divorced whilst they're wifes move onto someone who is worth having.

But do you actually have to do as much day to day housework as you do? Would it hurt if you vacuumed or dusted slightly less frequently and gave yourself time to do other things, including things for yourself?

I'm torn on this one. Difficult with a toddler but what happens when toddler goes to school?

YABU.

Being at home doesn't mean you are a cleaner, but it's reasonable to have to deal with the boring part. It's not about being more or less important, it's about having time!

What about reverse situation: if you were working full-time, your husband at home, would you be that happy to have to do the cleaning and upkeep of the house? Sorry, as much as I hate housework and cooking, there's enough time to do it during the day, especially if you don't work and commute, and one of the kids is at school.

Asking him for help for things you can't physically do alone is different.

Grr.
YANBU. We don't have kids but I can truly sympathise with you having to deal with this attitude, it's taken 10 years of chipping away at my husband for him to finally be doing his share of housework chores (the easy stuff like polish/vacuum, but it's still a massive help) he shares the cooking and deals with the gardening. I blame my MIL lol, I would never send my son out into the world expecting some poor woman to look after him like a baby, it's embarrassing, everyone should know how to look after themselves (and others when the time is right) regardless of being male/female!

I echo what others have said - childcare/cleaning are completely different things, it's unfair and disrespectful for him to expect all of this from you. You are not a maid, you are a not a 'housewife', this is not the 1950's - you are a stay at home mother. Some ladies are happy to be housewives in every sense of the word, and that's fine, but you're obviously not and I wouldn't be either.
I'm a little OCD so I enjoy those larger cleaning jobs (thorough bath/kitchen, windows etc - I know what you mean) but I've already spoken to DH about how I will expect more help with things like that once parents, and luckily he's great these days and excited about helping with kids anyway so I don't need to worry, but I'm fully aware just how often in relationships these things are still somehow 'expected' to be done by mothers, and I am raged by it - why the hell should it be?!
Sure they're off at work all day, but unless we're the breadwinners (and thanks to the still-present problem of unequal pay in most jobs and we are born with the body that grows a baby and we need time off to recover from that - not our fault, a fact of life!) that's not often the case, so how is 'having' to the parent that stays at home - whether we want to or not - automatically mean we should be keeping house AND raising children for the rest of our lives - if the roles were reversed, would he still feel the same about this issue? I doubt it!
I think what you're already doing around the house is more than enough for him to be thankful for (I refuse to iron!). You are both adults, you both live in that house, you both made these babies, you can both look after them AND the house you live in.

Although it's going to be tough and you'll need to prepare yourself for a slew of rows and fighting about this, you need to have it out because you're not living the life you want and it's going to wear you down, his unfair expectation is selfish, dated and arrogant, and you deserve better than that. You stay at home mothers are not given enough credit - do not put up with it out of guilt for not being the one that goes to work. You are working, you are working bloody hard to raise little people and keep a decent house, and in a marriage you are equal, remind him of that. If he refuses to be more reasonable or helpful then think about going back to work even if part time and see how he likes paying for childcare, or employ a cleaner.

You can do it x

We had this argument so many times and still do to an extend. My dh has the same view and we argue about it lots. We got a cleaner and it was money well spent. We never argue about cleaning now and I love having our cleaner.

Unfortunately dh attitude is the sane though and we still argue about washing up, ironing etc but a lot less than before. I do 90% of the stuff in our house and dh moans about what we does even though he only has three jobs to do, but he does do the DIY. I am going back to work part time myself soon and expect the amount of stuff I do in comparison to him won't change to allow for that. I ll just have to fit more in.

I think YABU. This isn't a popular view on here, but I think a SAHM should do pretty much all the cleaning.

I'm at home and the children are both at school.

But the way we both view it is that if he was doing something before I left work an had children, he still can.

If he was able to do his washing and ironing before I left work, he can do it while I am at home as well. Yes, I am at home and he's not, but there is plenty of extra stuff that didn't exist before children that I do - that is what I gave up work for, not to make his life easier with regards to stuff he was perfectly capable of doing before I left work.

There are some additional tasks I do that he may have done before when we were both working - things like the dishwasher, which used to get left until we were both home from work, now gets unpacked by me in the morning and dishes added to it throughout the day, which makes perfect sense.

It's not just about who is there or has the most time - it is about how that person feels about themselves and their life. If they take everything on they will start to feel resentful and put upon.

Once he was working through a pile of business shirts with the iron on a Sunday afternoon and not particularly enjoying it and I said, I suppose I could do them for you if you hate it that much and he said no - I do hate it, but they are my shirts to hate, not yours. Which is true! Basically he didn't want me to feel the same "oh god I hate ironing" feeling he was experiencing when it wasn't even my thing I was doing, because the "hate it" feeling can transfer onto the person who provided the shirts, and he said he'd feel guilty for not sorting out what was his own personal requirement. Seems fair! Same as I would not get him to do something of mine that is nothing to do with the children - its my responsibility. In terms of joint things (cleaning an oven etc) we take a fairly 50/50 approach to things like that - there are some things he favours doing and some things I do. Oven cleaning I do not favour. I get a man in!

personally if I was a SAHM with one toddler and a child at school, I'd want my weekends to be cleaning free to do the fun things with DP/children so would do as much of the housework (including the big jobs if I could and they didn't need two people) during the week. But clearly I'm in the minority going by the responses so far. I'd not really want to have to do them myself or get DP to do them on a weekend.

Call me old fashioned.

I think YABU, I'm a SAHM and I occasionally ask DH to help run Hoover round at weekend or take kids to soft play so I can do a big job like oven cleaning. But in general all cleaning, cooking, laundry, child care, bills, decorating is done by me.

DH does bath time 2-3 times a week by himself and that gives me few hours as well.

If your 22mo doesn't nap surely they take 40 mins TV time or something after lunch?

zeetea We don't have kids but...

Seriously? Strong opinion for someone with no experience on the subject.

I think it's taking the P** to stay home, chose not to have a job, and refuse to work in the house! Working mums have to do the same (shopping/ cleaning/ cooking/ washing etc..) and they manage. They sacrifice their free time unfortunately. A SAHM has A LOT more free time!

I would not subsidise my partner to have a life of leisure and play with the kids all day when I work my bottom off at work! Expecting someone to pay the bills and do the housework? Really?

It's not for everybody to be home, but if you don't like it and make everybody's life a misery, then get a job, then it's back to 50-50 of the housework.

I'm with you mrsjanedoe - I'm often surprised how many SAHM's on MN seem to have DH / DP doing 50/50 housework / cooking etc.

Around here, lots of SAHM's get a dog when their youngest goes to school, to justify not working

I guess it depends on whether you consider the care of your own children work.

I love spending time with my lot, taking my toddler swimming, to messy play, the library does not feel like work! Sure there are some elements that are frustrating and dull but I feel really lucky to be able to be at home with my kids.

I do probably 90-100% of the housework, but my husband is frequently away for long periods, works long hours (maybe 12 a day) and when he is home I would rather he spent time with the children.

He does do most of the gardening and car maintenance and some ironing and other bits and pieces as required but I would rather he came home, helped with the kids than cleaned an oven or deep cleaned the bathroom!

This may well change as circumstances and the children age.

Soo he gets a afternoon out with a child and you have to scrub the oven bugger that !you do tonnes during the week but need to do the rest at the weekend he needs to have a word with himself. He is basically saying well i pay for the house the wife can at least clean it

Yanbu

Men don't realise how hard it is looking after a child 24/7. I would write down a list of your schedule for the whole day so he can see exactly what you do. If you didn't have a child at home with you then that's a different story but childcare takes up the bulk of the day. Another idea, if you haven't already is leave him at home for the day with your DC and leave dishes in the sink etc. If he's still being lazy/ignorant then I suggest you get a cleaner to help you out some more.

This is how I clean my oven. 15mins before bed coat the oven in chemicals Get up 15mins earlier, clean it all off! IME it is hardly a job that requires additional childcare.

to be honest these are the sort of issues you should have hashed out before you became a SAHM.

I am a SAHM to 3DC and expecting DC4. When we decided we wanted me to stay at home with the DC we also made the decision that part of that job would be the day-to-day household work. I do all the cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, budgeting etc etc. but we AGREED beforehand that this would be what works for us.

But the crucial thing is its not my DH being 'lazy', this is how we agreed to divide things. DC do not need my attention 24/7 - babies/toddlers nap or even once they drop the naps I have made sure mine are able to entertain themselves for an hour or so at a time - I can get jobs done and I feel its importnant for their independence and imagination that their whole day isn't micromanaged. so I have never found a problem making enough time to do the chores.

Sorry, I've rattled on a bit, I'm trying to explain that if you've never had a conversation about what your definition of SAHM is then I don't think your DH is unreasonable to think it includes household work - traditionally that was the role, if you want it to be different to the perceived 'norm' (sorry but you have to accept that equality is still a work in progress and it takes a very long time to change expections) then you need to have a conversation about it. so YANBU to not want to do 100% of the household tasks but YABU to expect your DH to have known this beforehand without a conversation.

Also ask yourself - if your DH is prepared to be the sole breadwinner in order for you to stay at home, why is it unreasonable of him to want you take on the household tasks?

YABothBU for not discussion your expectations before deciding for you to be a SAHM!

Waiting for martyr comments to start - eg

hardest job in the world
on duty 24/7
never go the toilet in peace
can't manage a cup of tea

You can only do what you can do in the time you've got. As long as you know you've been working constantly in the house or doing stuff with the kids (other than time out for drinking/eating) then you can't do any more. Keep a list of what you do and when for a few days and then have another chat with him so he can see you're genuinely busy. It could be that it bothers you more than him if it's dirty or things need doing - ask him if he things a certain area really needs doing. My DH is more concerned with having food in the house and having clean clothes for work. It doesn't seem to bother him if bathroom needs cleaning, there are bits over the floor, a thick layer of dust, stuff is untidy.

When kids were little, my DH was out 7am-6/7pm for work. I was aware he worked long hours & travelled, so I did what I could and generally got it done by the time he came home (some things like conservatory weren't done weekly, but they were fine), but I suspect my DH was out longer than yours. When DH came home, I'd try to have tea on the go (which he appreciated) and once he'd got his coat off he'd always offer to continue with tea, or bathtime. Afterwards he'd do the washing up and put little ones to bed. He'd do his share of the gardening at weekends and diy, help out with lunch at weekends and the odd cooked meal.

Oh and I do think a SAHM should do the bulk of the cleaning, I don't by any means think it should be 50/50 but how is him having a fun day out with the kids and you deep cleaning the house a fair split of things?

I too, would rather a father spending the weekend playing with his kids than cleaning the oven.

That's the most important thing after all.

I do everything in our house. It does my head in!! DP is a farmer and believes that because he works long hours he gets away without having to do any housework. I Hoover, do all of the washing, washing up, clean kitchen bathrooms bedding, cook every meal, light the fire every day after carrying three bags of logs to the house!

The thing is, I feel as though I'm neglecting DD as I spend most of my time cleaning and doing housework which is sad really. The house never seems to be clean either even though it seems to be all I ever fucking do!