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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think Stay-at-Home Mum does NOT equal Stay-at-Home Cleaner?!

302 replies

SlinkyB · 26/11/2015 08:24

Just had a shouting match with DH as he was pissed off I suggested we take it in turns to do some long-arm cleaning jobs this weekend, whilst the other looks after the kids.

He works full-time in a local office. I'm a SAHM to a 22mo and 4yo, who's just started school.

During the week I do all school runs, food shopping, cooking, vacuuming, dusting, washing up/dishwasher, change bedding, all laundry and 50% of the ironing.

I do not have time to do stuff like cleaning the oven, deep cleaning bathrooms (x2) or bedrooms (x4) or conservatory.

I think we should share those jobs. He wants me to do them whilst he takes ds1 to the cinema Hmm Said "SAHM goes hand-in-hand with cleaning".

Last time I checked, my name wasn't fucking Cinderella Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
SlinkyB · 30/11/2015 14:01

Eh strongtea, how on earth did I change the OP? Didn't even realise MN had that function. I did, and would still like, my OH to help out with cleaning on a weekend now and then.

NewLife I mention in my OP that my kids are 4 (in Reception) and 22mo. I posted in Step-parenting a while back asking whether the then 15yo should be helping with cleaning. The general consensus was that he should, for eg, empty the dishwasher, set the table, and keep his room clean and tidy (I wish!) but that as he doesn't live here full time, that should be about it. Seems fair enough if he's only here 4 days a month. I do try to foster an ethos of all mucking in together and working as a team. You're right about supporting one another, and your dh sounds fab Smile

Lots of you talk sense re: explaining to dh that he is also privileged to have me at home. I never really thought about how much I'm sacrificing by not working for a couple of years. Guess I'm just surrounded mostly by people who have to work, so feel lucky I don't have the pressure right now.

We don't have anywhere to put a tumble drier unfortunately! (No garage or utility, tho we might build one one day). Can't see dh agreeing to putting one in the conservatory either - it's not especially big, and currently houses all the bikes/trikes/golf clubs etc one day we're going to reclaim it and make it into a relaxing room, as it has lovely views.

OP posts:
LetGoOrBeDragged · 30/11/2015 14:40

Why is it up to your h to agree to a tumble drier in the conservatory? Maybe when he does all the laundry, he can have final say. It's not going to look any worse in the conservatory than storing all the bikes in it!

My impression from your posting is that you seem to ask his permission a lot. If something affects you more than him, then you should get to make the decision and vice versa

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 30/11/2015 15:19

Mine is in an understairs cupboard.

HeadDreamer · 30/11/2015 16:39

But he's not doing the laundry. Why do you need his permission? I agree it's not right. A tumble drier will save you so much time and surely it's more important than bikes/trikes etc.

Similar to a dishwasher. And all other gadgets that help with getting housework done.

captainfarrell · 30/11/2015 16:49

Yanbu. I do think the parent(mum or dad) at home should do most of the chores because you can fit then in around childcare/naps etc. I was a SAHM for a few years. Occasionally I asked for help with bigger jobs and my husband was always happy to help .Yours needs a poke with a stick!

nicestrongtea · 30/11/2015 19:10

You changed the chores from the original OP-stating you did all the laundry, cooking, hovering, cleaning etc and wanted to your DH to do the one off "long arm" chores but actually he did the normal chores and the others remain undone- a bit sneaky to suggest you do all the normal stuff when you quite blatantly don't and make out he is the unreasonable one.
It sounds like your house is a tip tbh.

ShebaShimmyShake · 30/11/2015 19:25

Well, nicestrongtea, I am in awe!! I already knew that you could consistently do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, errand running and child rearing a household needs in 40 hours a week, including intense deep cleaning jobs. But now it turns out you've also got psychic powers that tell you what other people's houses look like based on whether or not they've annoyed you on Mumsnet.

Is there anything you CAN'T do?

nicestrongtea · 30/11/2015 19:32

Im not annoyed- just not jumping on the men are wrong bandwagon that rolls on MN.

Op has written it all out above - sounds like its a messy house if they cant even use the conservatory- ah but its all her DH fault Wink

LetGoOrBeDragged · 30/11/2015 19:52

nice you are not contributing anything positive to this thread - you seem to just want to pick holes in the OP and 'win', even if you have to make shit up in order to do so!

nicestrongtea · 30/11/2015 20:01

Nope not making it up- read the thread.
She changes it from "longarm difficult chores to him doing basic hovering and mopping.
OK the OP just wants her DH to be slagged off as lazy - when he works 40 hrs a week and then does basic chores that she "doesn't have time to do"

LTB !!! Grin

NewLife4Me · 30/11/2015 20:07

Slinky

If you can sort your conservatory out, it will make a nice laundry room.
Ours is tiny but houses the washer and drier.
There's room for one set of shelves too that we keep DIY stuff on.
It's also our smoking room though so clothes don't stay in there.

merrymouse · 30/11/2015 20:15

I bet the OP doesn't wash her front step properly either! In the old days you could just tie your toddler to a chair and they thanked you for it!!!!!

northernsoul78 · 30/11/2015 20:19

So a sahp should be able to spend household money on a large appliance without discussing and agreeing with her dh? Surely things like this should be discussed 1st. Or have I misunderstood?
Incidently I also think op is doing 40 hours with the childcare and everyday housework. Therefore tasks which can't be covered should be shared.

Original poster
SlinkyB · 30/11/2015 20:28

Grin Grin Merry! I've just sat down with a can of cider, but now feel I must go and grab my brush and head outside to scrub my front door step...it's the one thing I forgot to do today!

Sheba I'm also in awe of WonderWoman Hyacinth nicestrong. I'd be jealous of her perfectly clean and tidy home (I have psychic powers too), but then again I'd rather have a "tip" and some basic fucking manners!! Why are you so argumentative and hell-bent on picking every little detail apart? Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
SlinkyB · 30/11/2015 20:35

Newlife thanks for conservatory tips! Smile Ours is also a through-route to the garden though, and feel turning it into a laundry room would spoil it. We're hoping to build a side-extension in the next few years, which will be a cloakroom/laundry/utility/bike storage area!

northern I thought that too. A household appliance costing hundreds would have to be a joint decision. We tend to talk about big purchases together and work something out. I'd never just buy something, nor would he.

Oh, and for the record, I've done nothing but housework all day. You could eat yer dinner or any of my surfaces thanks! Wink

OP posts:
nicestrongtea · 30/11/2015 20:37

Yep my house is lovely, clean and homely.
You should try it make your DH do it Wink

LetGoOrBeDragged · 30/11/2015 20:43

northern, I don't consider the OPs sah status as at all relevant when it comes to spending money. But that is beside the point - I was saying that he shouldn't have right of veto when it comes to something that OP needs, just because he doesn't famcy having a drier in the conservatory. If it's okay to store his stuff in there, then why isn't something the OP needs, seen as equally important. It seems to me that the h thinks he is more important on the basis that he woh.

I am a sahm and if I wanted to buy a tumble drier, or anything else for that matter, I would. It wouldnt occur to me to run it by dh - I know whether or not we have enough money because I do all yhe budgeting. I certainly dont think I need his permission on the grounds that he woh in order to get money - it's my money too!

Original poster
SlinkyB · 30/11/2015 20:50

Whoops, eat yer dinner OFF any of my surfaces, that should say!

LetGo I know what you're saying, that I should be thinking of it as our money more (I guess I don't, as I don't have access to any of the accounts, so have no idea how much we have), but I would still never just go out and spend hundreds without mentioning it. Everyone is different tho!

OP posts:
LetGoOrBeDragged · 30/11/2015 21:02

I'm not saying it's wrong to discuss it. There's stuff I wouldn't just buy because I think dh would be more knowledgeable and could choose better.
But, I am concerned that you don't know what money your family has, that you don't have access to any of the accounts and that your h seems to have final say. It really is your money too but of course you don't feel that way when you have no knowledge or access regarding it.
I think it is infantilising - you don't come across as being an equal partner in this relationship and that is not good. You have to remember that your h is gaining from this set up, he's getting such an easy life that he instinctively doesn't feel that the domestic stuff is his responsibility and he is keeping control of the money.

If you were working, it wouldnt matter so much because you would have your own money, but as a sahp you really are very vulnerable.

My serious advice is to reform your financial situation in the light of your new circumstances. If your h is unwilling to do this, it tells you a lot about his fundamental attitude to your role. I hope that this is just something he just hasnt thought about but is willing to adapt.

NewLife4Me · 30/11/2015 21:07

We too discuss buying white goods. I thought most couples did Grin
We research the best and prices, features that sort of thing and then agree on one.

slinky

I have no idea why some people have given you a hard time, but hey ho the power of Mnet, hey?

FWIW, it sounds like you do more than enough and YANBU to expect your dh to help once in a while and for you to have some time off.

ShebaShimmyShake · 30/11/2015 21:14

Over on another thread, even as we speak, the tea drinking one is haranguing an OP who asked for a bit of comfort and support because she's been made to feel so bad about formula feeding. It seems that Tea Lady schedules sniping at lesser mortals between her perfect parenting, homemaking and rather creepy psychic assessment of other people's houses. As I said, there is simply nothing she can't do.

northernsoul78 · 30/11/2015 21:30

Her sah status isn't relevant. I would be pissed off if my dh who in the main earner in our family spent £400 on something which I didn't fully approve of. He has done it for smaller amounts znd even that is annoying.

nicestrongtea · 30/11/2015 22:12

Nope im not haranguing anyone just not putting up with the usual "you are all BF Nazis" type of crap.
Nice stalking though.

ShebaShimmyShake · 30/11/2015 22:19

I'm on two threads, you're on two threads, being unkind and insulting to OP on both. If anyone's a stalker, it's the one who uses her psychic abilities to peer behind other people's curtains.

Personally if I had your powers, I'd find out where Daniel Craig's sleeping tonight and stalk the hell out of him.

nicestrongtea · 30/11/2015 22:20

Im out- not going to be stalked by some nut job around the boards.

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