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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think Stay-at-Home Mum does NOT equal Stay-at-Home Cleaner?!

302 replies

SlinkyB · 26/11/2015 08:24

Just had a shouting match with DH as he was pissed off I suggested we take it in turns to do some long-arm cleaning jobs this weekend, whilst the other looks after the kids.

He works full-time in a local office. I'm a SAHM to a 22mo and 4yo, who's just started school.

During the week I do all school runs, food shopping, cooking, vacuuming, dusting, washing up/dishwasher, change bedding, all laundry and 50% of the ironing.

I do not have time to do stuff like cleaning the oven, deep cleaning bathrooms (x2) or bedrooms (x4) or conservatory.

I think we should share those jobs. He wants me to do them whilst he takes ds1 to the cinema Hmm Said "SAHM goes hand-in-hand with cleaning".

Last time I checked, my name wasn't fucking Cinderella Angry

OP posts:
flanjabelle · 29/11/2015 09:16

Dp doesn't live with me and dd, but stays over at the weekend and comes over every evening. He is currently in the kitchen doing the washing up and then will give it a deep clean. I didn't ask him to. He did it because he can see I'm knackered from a week with an ill toddler. He always helps out as he contributes to the mess. He will often tidy up dds toys and other bits while I'm making dinner or giving her a bath. I'm a sahm and he works full time. He thinks his job is easier than mine!

flanjabelle · 29/11/2015 09:17

Sorry there should have been a huge yanbu in there!

Senpai · 29/11/2015 09:20

If you want cleaning tips, club soda removes blood stains. Wink

mrsjanedoe · 29/11/2015 09:48

she needs her partner to do a fair share of the work.

which he does... he's working full time!

I really do not understand how someone can't manage to do anything with a toddler, I really don't. (as long as there are no dangerous products involved, and I admire people decorating, I need their tips!)

Safety gate to keep them away from you if you really must, a big box of toys, of plastic balls, give them something to play and job done! I only do chores from 7 to 9am, then 1h at lunch time, and 1h30 in the evening (ironing later) and that includes cooking. That's enough to clean the place properly. I just mop all downstairs on our way out, all done.

Really do not understand the issue here.

ShebaShimmyShake · 29/11/2015 09:56

Jane, the issue is twofold. The OP is talking about a small number of time and labour intensive jobs that she cannot do during the week on top of everything else. (Have you never had to take some work home at the weekend because there was just too much to get done in the week?) And she wanted her husband to HELP with them - not do them all himself, just give her a hand during their joint free hours rather than fucking off to have some fun and saying it's her job because he earns the money.

And the other issue was that he said being a stay at home parent goes hand in hand with cleaning - in other words, that even when they had both worked their full weeks, he should be allowed to swan off to see a film while she's on her hands and knees scrubbing, because he pays for her, damn it. That is disrespectful in the extreme.

Luckily, he turned out to be a decent man and he and OP have resolved the issue, so that is great. But there certainly was an issue to resolve.

nicestrongtea · 29/11/2015 10:11

Well the OP changed the cleaning from intensive "longarm" cleaning jobs to a bit of hovering and mopping that took 45 minutes in total!!!

She totally changed the premise of the OP halfway through- it was just normal cleaning not the extra stuff - did the oven ever get cleaned Wink

Quite frankly I think she just doesn't like cleaning and it suits her for her DH to do it instead.
On top of a 40 hr week at work !

DixieNormas · 29/11/2015 10:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DixieNormas · 29/11/2015 10:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShebaShimmyShake · 29/11/2015 10:21

Oh my God! You mean she wanted him to do less than an hour of light housework on the weekend? You're right, I take it all back. Burn the witch!

NickyEds · 29/11/2015 15:35

jane, no one is saying that you can't do anything with a toddler there-most of the SAHPs have said that they do the lions share of the housework, it's just some things that can't be done during the day and spill into the evenings and weekends. In your example you say you do 1h30 in the evening- I'd be a bit Hmm about doing that if dp was sat doing nothing that's all. I think that if there's 90 minutes of stuff to be done outside "office hours" so to speak there's nothing unreasonable about expecting the working partner to do some of it.

merrymouse · 29/11/2015 18:22

give them something to play and job done!

For some toddlers yes, for some toddlers really, really no.

PoorFannyRobin · 29/11/2015 18:42

mrsjanedoe, I agree with you completely. Been there and done that -- so no theoretical posturing here or trying to be insulting to anyone.

Senpai · 29/11/2015 18:58

Jane

Ok, all things being equal...

It's not fair to make his job a 40hr work week and hers a 168hr work week. The weekends are her days off too. So he either needs to help out with the cleaning or the child care. But OP needs as much free time as he does.

She works the same hours he does during the week. Which means that when he gets home they need equal break time. If that means he needs to do dishes, then that's what needs to be done that day.

I do day to day cleaning during the day while DH is at work. But when he's home, he's on child duty too. I've been working just as hard as he has. Which means that if we have four hours of DD awake, he gets two and I get two. After she goes to bed we both relax.

As I tell DH when he whines about watching her "I just got off work too, so how are we going to split our free time?". He's really good about taking turns because he genuinely likes being a father.

northernsoul78 · 29/11/2015 19:10

The op's dh doesn't want to have the dc at the weekend though. He wants to take the older one out to the cinema and leave op with the (i am assuming) more challenging 22 month old and do the one off chore. He is takjng the piss.
Op does hec do any general maintenance jobs at weekend like cooking and washing up and does he do bedtime at all during the week?
Sorry if this has been covered but not had time to read whole thread.

Original poster
SlinkyB · 29/11/2015 20:23

Senpai Club Soda you say? Wink Thank you and Sheba for sticking up for me and talking sense whilst I wasn't around.

To those saying they don't understand what the issue is and why can't I get everything done during the week...well, I guess I'm not you and don't have your ace skills? Then again, even if I did, I have already stated that I would never be happy with doing 100% of the household chores and cleaning. DH was raised in a traditional household where his Mum did/does all of the domestic drudgery. I was raised by a single Mum, who had to do all of it (but got us kids to help out as soon as we were able).

I have two sons, and a 16yr old stepson who stays EOW. I feel it is important for them to see their Dad chipping in with the cleaning of the house, so that they can learn that it's not just women who do it. DH agrees, but he sometimes slacks off (esp when dss is here, as he wants to spend time with him playing on the PlayStation which I totally understand).

Oh, and our house is open-plan with no stair gates downstairs. Not that my 22mo teething, snotty, constantly-hungry and accident-prone youngest would be content with being shoved in a room on his own with a bag of toys play with whilst I clean. Great that some of you do! I have also previously stated that I do do most of the cleaning during the week with the toddler in tow. Completely agree they need to join in now and then, or even chill in front of the tv with a snack whilst Mummy vacuums or prepares dinner.

strongtea Our oven is still dirty, our conservatory a dump, and the family bathroom hasn't been touched. Happy?! I decided to lower my standards remember, not move goal posts Hmm

northern yeah dh helps with general stuff on a weekend; we take it in turns to have a lie-in/get up with kids. We've always taken it in turns to put the boys to bed, and he helps with bathing. He loves being a Dad and is very hands-on with all that side of things Smile

Oh, and if anyone is interested, he and ds1 had a lovely time at the cinema whilst I took the toddler to soft play yesterday morning!

OP posts:
Original poster
SlinkyB · 29/11/2015 20:29

P.s forgot to say to Senpai yessssss to dh sometimes thinking he only works Mon-Fri then has two days off, whereas I work 7 days a week!? Sod that! I have perfected my "look" when he says "I've been at work all week" when I ask him to do something (why don't men have initiative sometimes, then I wouldn't need to ask in the first place?!).

He also sometimes says "you are very privileged" if I moan about a hard day (kids have both recently been ill). Like he never comes home and moans about his job?! I do know I'm fortunate not to have to work at the moment, but I should be able to whinge to my partner after a crappy day.

He is lovely most of the time though, honest! Grin

OP posts:
nicestrongtea · 29/11/2015 20:37

why would I be happy? Confused you did change your OP half way through - how were we to know why you did that??

Could you pay a one off cleaner to come and blitz it ?

LetGoOrBeDragged · 30/11/2015 07:30

You need to nip the 'you are priviliged' bollocks in the bud. He is as priviliged as you are - a wohp gets a lot of benefits from having a sah partner. He never has to take time off if the kids are sick, or use up all his annual leave to cover school holidays. He is less financially vulnerable in the even of a split and in sah, you drastically reduce the amount of housework he would have to do if you both woh.

Seriously, don't let him lay this shit on you, he's behaving as if you should be grateful for the 'privilige' of getting to mop floors!

Duckdeamon · 30/11/2015 08:15

"You are privileged"?

I don't like that attitude. As a PP days, WoH parents with a SAH partner have big advantages at work over other parents whose partners also WoH. If he isn't happy to be the sole breadwinner that's fair enough but he should have a proper conversation about it.

murmuration · 30/11/2015 09:25

Yeah, the 'you are privileged' sits poorly with me too. You are both privileged that he is able to earn enough that you can stay home and look after the kids, and that he can work at his job without having to worry about childcare responsibilities. Many families with two income earners need to carefully arrange things like dinners out with a client, doctors appointments, etc., to make sure that pick-up can be done and children taken care of around both parents schedules.

ShebaShimmyShake · 30/11/2015 09:33

"You are privileged". What a dick. As others have said, he's privileged to have a free cook, cleaner and nanny - who hasn't bashed a mop over his head for his nasty condescending attitude.

Krampus · 30/11/2015 09:44

You have taken a break in your career and pension so he doesn't have to take any time off for childcare and doesnt have to worry about nursery / school pick ups. As a bonus he gets the majority of his food and cleaning requirements taken care of. HE is privileged.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 30/11/2015 10:29

Completely off topic but a tumble drier has given me hours back in my week. All that time spent hanging up wet laundry and moving it around to dry properly, then ironing it because it looked like shit and was a stiff as board... Best £400 I ever spent. Get one with a condenser and you can put it in the conservatory Grin

DixieNormas · 30/11/2015 10:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NewLife4Me · 30/11/2015 10:46

I think your 16 year old should be helping definitely. You don't say how old your other children are but they too should help if old enough.

I agree that children should see their father helping out hen they work full time.
My dh work is all consuming and runs into most of the day and week tbh.
He is always doing something work related, but he manages to do loads of housework in the time he has spare.
It's what you do, support one another.