To think Stay-at-Home Mum does NOT equal Stay-at-Home Cleaner?!

[SlinkyB]

Just had a shouting match with DH as he was pissed off I suggested we take it in turns to do some long-arm cleaning jobs this weekend, whilst the other looks after the kids.

He works full-time in a local office. I'm a SAHM to a 22mo and 4yo, who's just started school.

During the week I do all school runs, food shopping, cooking, vacuuming, dusting, washing up/dishwasher, change bedding, all laundry and 50% of the ironing.

I do not have time to do stuff like cleaning the oven, deep cleaning bathrooms (x2) or bedrooms (x4) or conservatory.

I think we should share those jobs. He wants me to do them whilst he takes ds1 to the cinema Said "SAHM goes hand-in-hand with cleaning".

Last time I checked, my name wasn't fucking Cinderella

My husband was like you when he was off with our 3 children. I am off now and I do it all as would feel dead lazy if I didn't.

I don't think a SAHM should be expected to do everything in the home. The husband lives in the house and will also contribute to mess so should definintly also do some of the cleaning. You shouldn't suddenly be treated as a slave just because you are at home looking after children.

To be fair, if hes out working all day why shouldnt you have to do the work at home? i work full time, currently off sick at the moment, my partner is not working, so when i am at work why on earth should i come home and do all the jobs as well?

Maybe you should swap over, like you when dh was off he said it was impossible. I have gone off as it just annoyed me too much. I now do everything and I have much more time to myself.

If you honestly, hand on heart, are working for all the hours your DH is at his work (bar a reasonable lunch break) then I don't think it is unreasonable to split the big jobs. By working in thinking being actively engaged with the children, out of the house, cooking, cleaning, dealing with child related stuff.

However, I'd be pretty pissed if I was the DH and my stay at home partner thought that because they had spent 2 hours snuggled up on the sofa with the kids watching a film and hadn't had time to clean the bathroom, so it fell to me.

Guess it's tricky. If he respects you and is generally mucks in then fairs fair. But maybe he's a lazy twat who leaves his dishes lying around because he thinks it's your job.

mayby out could go back to work? Explain to DH exactly how much he will be doing when you're back at work - half the pick ups drop offs, half the cleaning, cooking etc

I do voluntary work, my kids are teens and we have a cleaner! If dh told me what to clean I'd shove the mop up his you know what!

I am baffled why some people think you can't do housework with a toddler? It's the age they love helping! Give them a baby hoover, a duster, a (dry) sponge and they are "cleaning" with you. They love doing laundry and playing with the pegs, and a toy kitchen keep them busy whilst you cook next door.

Yes, it means using more baking soda and lemon to clean the bathroom, and keep stinky chemicals for nap time, but it's a game for them. No-one is suggesting that you plonk them in front of the tv.

I do keep ironing for nap times, sounds too dangerous, but apart from that, you do it together. It takes a bit longer, but so what? If you are looking for excuses, you will find them, but they're only that, excuses.

I have been married for nearly 40 years.

As a SAHM I did all the day-to-day washing/cleaning/ironing, most of the cooking. That carried on when I had part-time work.

My DH always helped at weekends, made the packed lunches, bathed the children and sometimes cooked.

And we always did the bigger jobs together.

It's not unreasonable to expect your DH to pull his weight.

I think we should share those jobs. He wants me to do them whilst he takes ds1 to the cinema.

Whilst he is at work and you're at home, have you ever taken your children to the cinema or another activity which is laid on for them? Or as whois says, have you ever spent time snuggled on the sofa with them? If so, then what he is proposing is perfectly reasonable.

I would have had some sympathy if he had been wanting to go out and play rugby or go to the pub with his mates or something. But it seems in this case that whilst he's been working, you've been doing the childcare. but when he offers to do the childcare so you can "work", he's suddenly a selfish idiot.

Italics fail! The first line of my post was quoting from the OP.

Until I was eight months pregnant with my fourth child I did all the cleaning, washing, ironing, vacuuming etc.

My DH made me get a cleaner then, as I was starting to struggle with tiredness and trying to do everything. He was always hands on as soon as he got home from work.

It's not that hard to do one job a week.

If you regard looking after the kids as "work", then surely if he's looking after the kids for you on the weekend while you clean, that is also "work"?

Therefore he is pulling his weight - working out of the house in the week and working with the kids at the weekend.

I think the real issue here is your dh attitude. I'm a sahm. When the kidd were tiny I officially still did all housework, cooking shopping etc. However I say officially as it was usually a quick run around keeping the worst at bay. Did I do housework at Weekend? No. And nor did he. We accepted mess and had fun together. Now the kids are in school I still do it all but more thorough. I like my evenings n Weekends with dh so it works for us. As a previous poster said though we discussed expectations which was a big thing.

It is obvious that there are mums on here who are envious of the mums who don't have to go to work! Such bitter comments!

Perhaps because some people's toddlers are, gasp, different to yours mrsjanedoe? I know, unbelievable isn't it!

I'm a stay at home mum to 3dc, 1 is a toddler. I do ALL house hold chores including decorating and cutting the grass. This is what I see me job as and I do a full house clean daily it takes around an hour and half we have a 4 bedroom house. If you do everything everyday nothing turns into a big job. By everything I mean everything including wiping the oven round daily after use with hot soapy water, takes a few minutes and the grease never builds up.

I am baffled why some people think you can't do housework with a toddler?
I had a good chuckle at this one.

i've heard some argue that the higher earning potential and higher stress of the working parent's job means that the SAH/working less partner should therefore do more of the home work. Is that what the posters who do everything are implicitly agreeing with?

Blimey! I went off to do some volunteer work and came back to over a hundred replies - my head is spinning after reading them all! I will try and reply to some of the questions now;

1. 22mo is in no formal childcare. I have him 24/7. We go to various playgroups, friends and museums during the week. He does sometimes still nap for 45mins-1hr, not every day though.

2. I have never had a career; just jobs (mostly office jobs, but also bars and restaurants). Going back to work right now would not be financially viable, due to childcare costs. We have agreed I will look for work when the 22mo gets his 3yr funded hours (so 18 months time). He is our last child, so I want to be at home with him and appreciate him. I worked full-time from the age of 16 until I had ds1, then did 3 days a week. Only gave up work this year.

3. DH would never agree to getting a cleaner! Even when I had a newborn, was recovering from a brain injury, and had a 3yr old he wouldn't get one. Not in his nature.

4. I do do most of the cleaning!! I keep on top of the day-to-day stuff, and the house normally looks fairly reasonable. I can vacuum and mop floors and clean everything downstairs when the toddler naps. When he's awake, we do stuff together. DH hasn't done any cleaning for weeks, and I seldom ask for help on the weekends.

By "deep clean" I meant pulling beds/sofas out to vacuum behind, and cleaning mould off the inside of the windows. We try and do this every six months or so. Not been done since spring, and this is the last weekend we have free before the diary gets hectic doing loads of fun things every weekend leading up to Christmas (as it should be).

I keep thinking back to one of the first replies though which said something like DH has a fundamental lack of respect for me. I do feel that some days Maybe we do need to talk about expectations, but he's got a bit of a temper and will probably just go off on one.

I am SAHM to 3 DC (9 months, 4 and 9). I do all the cleaning, cooking, washing, ironing and shopping plus pretty much everything to do with the kids as OH doesn't normally get in from work until 7.30pm, by which time they are all in bed. I get up at 6 so that I can get on without being disturbed and then other than general tidying up, cleaning up after meals and washing the day is pretty much free.

He will help me bath the kids, fold the washing, make the beds etc at the weekend, but I wouldn't expect more than that to be honest.

Tell your dh to try finding a nanny who would do cleaning as part of her nanny salary. They would all laugh in his face. Why are you any different?

Until that day, tell him to eff off.

I am baffled why some people think you can't do housework with a toddler? I had a good chuckle at this one.

Why did you have a good chuckle? How do think most of us manage?

Oh, and I can do housework with a toddler, I just prefer not to!

And let's please try and stop this from turning into a SAHM Vs WAHM argument; we're all different, but we're all awesome!