To think Stay-at-Home Mum does NOT equal Stay-at-Home Cleaner?!

[SlinkyB]

Just had a shouting match with DH as he was pissed off I suggested we take it in turns to do some long-arm cleaning jobs this weekend, whilst the other looks after the kids.

He works full-time in a local office. I'm a SAHM to a 22mo and 4yo, who's just started school.

During the week I do all school runs, food shopping, cooking, vacuuming, dusting, washing up/dishwasher, change bedding, all laundry and 50% of the ironing.

I do not have time to do stuff like cleaning the oven, deep cleaning bathrooms (x2) or bedrooms (x4) or conservatory.

I think we should share those jobs. He wants me to do them whilst he takes ds1 to the cinema Said "SAHM goes hand-in-hand with cleaning".

Last time I checked, my name wasn't fucking Cinderella

Wood

Those are your opinions on how parenting works. I'm glad they work well for you. They aren't universally applied rules.

Obvs the OP and her H didn't discuss what way things would work for them. They possibly both harboured v different ideas of what their roles meant and this is where the problem stems.

Therefore it is unreasonable to say SAHP is what the OP wants it to be end of story or what the WAHP wants it to be, end of story
It must be what they both agree to. Both are being unreasonable as both think they are right when actually there needs to be understanding, better communication and give and take on both sides.

I think he should do a bit of cleaning at the weekends. Certainly don't agree with him taking DCs to cinema while you clean. That's incredibly cheeky. It sounds you have very high standards as regards cleaning with all this deep clean stuff. If you can afford it get a cleaner. The one of cleans by agnecies are expensive but worth it IMHO.

To those posters defending op's h - you do realise you are saying that a SAHM isn't entitled to any leisure time at weekends. Yes, op should do the bulk of not all the housework during the week. And she does. This does not mean her h is exempt from doing his bit when he is not working. He isn't some kind of providing deity, he is part of the family. He doesn't just get to do the fun stuff. YANBU, OP and you h needs to straighten up and do his bit.

Oh yeah...I had this a few months ago.
I told DH I no longer felt like his wife, but felt like an employee instead. Chef, nanny, personal shopper, cleaner and laundress all rolled into one.
We each made a list of the jobs we do around the house. Mine covered to sheets of a5 note paper....DH's read:
-take out bin
-take out recycling
-cut grass
-iron uniform

He then realised how much I actually take care of without him noticing.
I've just started a new job which is all evening shifts, so while I'm working, he now does the washing up from dinner, bathes DD and puts her to bed, and puts laundry in the machine....that I can deal with.

Ugh. YANBU. I would stop doing food shop and cooking for him, as well as his dishes and laundry.

I cannot believe anyone would stop doing their partners food shopping, dishes, laundry and cooking when they are at work all day earning a wage so that their partner does have the "luxury" of not having to work and stay and look after their children (and the home, there I've said it) - there are millions of women (and men) who would love the opportunity to do so.

DH's remark was not the best worded but leaving that aside, I actually don't see the problem?

OP by her own admission seems to get most of the miscellaneous day to day stuff done ok. I would say this should be shared at weekends - is it?

The rest seem to be rather one off cleaning jobs that aren't urgent - does DH actually think they don't need doing at all? I can see why he'd resent having to do a job he thought was unnecessary.

Also, why is DH spending time with 1 child considered to be a jolly, whilst OP doing it considered to be work?

Well.... I do think you should do the lion's share of the housework if you don't work during the week. He is out at work all day.

But I agree at the weekend it should be 50/50.

I cannot believe anyone would stop doing their partners food shopping, dishes, laundry and cooking when they are at work all day earning a wage

Me neither, hugely childish and petty.

It's the expectation in my view. I do pretty much everything during the week, but I am not expected to iyswim?

YANBU

If you are a SAHP and DC are at school, I do think that housework should be done in school hours to a certain extent if this means it can leave both parents with an equal amount of 'leisure time'.

But with a 22 month old? No way!!

I agree with what everyone else has said about how YANBU and he is being a nob.

There might be some sense in one of you (it doesn't matter who) doing the cleaning jobs while the other takes the kids out. But the key is to take the 22 month old out, not the 4 year old who can sit quietly and watch a film. If you had no 22 month old, the 4 year old could sit quietly and watch a film at home while you both did the cleaning. It's the little one you need out of the way in order to get anything done.

I agree that the main issue is one of respect. If my DH made comments like that I would stop caring what he thought.
When I worked he was hugely respectful of my career even though it was far less 'prestigious' than his.
I liked making sure that there were little or no chores to be done over the weekend. Weekends were for hanging out together and enjoying ourselves and if that meant I worked hard during the week at times then that was fine by me

What makes OP's life easier depends on her children surely lots of people here are making broad assumptions!)? My children were not quite that age gap, but whilst at almost those ages 4 year old DS was considerably more of a handful than 2 year old DD who would sleep for long periods and happily amuse herself while awake. I pretty much insisted that DH took DS out at weekends, wasn't particularly fussed about whether he took DD or not. If OP has a toddler like my DD, then that's very different to a child that never sleeps, wants constant attention and tantrums every other minute.

I don't think it's up to a sahm to do all the cooking and cleaning at all.
Of course the working partner should do his share.

We managed it by heavy jobs dh would do when he had time, he did gardening, decorating, cleaning car, some shopping, some cooking and cleaning, some running errands, some taking dc to activities.

When you are at home with dc you are there to provide entertainment and to educate, not stick them in nursery or in front of tv while you clean

No wonder so many women want to return back to work if they think its all childcare and cleaning. Maybe that's where comments come from such as "I like to use my brain" You need time for yourself, to follow your own hobbies and interests. To come and go as you please not to be tied to a house and cleaning.

janey having a partner sah ( through choice and not because of prohibitive childcare costs ), is a "luxury" for both parents, not just the one who sah! See my post above regarding the benefits for the wohp.

A lot of the tasks involved in looking after dc are really boring and repetitive. It's not all fun. I know lots of wohp might like to sah. Equally lots of sahp would like to return to work. Nothing is perfect all of the time. There seems to be an idea that sahm are sitting around all day eating bonbons. Not true of people I know who have toddlers.

What is with men taking out the bins? People on here always say that this job is one done by their OH but surely this takes 2 mins, once or twice a week?

Anyway, I digress. TBH I agree with your husband OP. Being a SAHM to two kids when one is at school gives you plenty of time to keep on top of things. If I was the one working full-time, I wouldn't fancy doing the cleaning at the weekend when my OH had been off all week. And yes, you will get time "off" when you only have one child at home with you during school hours.

However, I still think that if you are kicking around in or near the home all day, then it's reasonable that you do the lion's share of the housework

OP isn't kicking around in or near the home, though. She's looking after a 22 month old all day while her DH is at work and for some of the time also a 4 year old. So that doesn't actually have anything to do with this scenario.

While I abhor the comment, did the jobs actually need to be done? My DH is the SAHP and tbh I don't want to spend my weekends doing unnecessary cleaning it helps that I have extremely low standards. My DM often spent her weekends cleaning, doing things like wiping down the skirting boards, when really we could have been out having fun.

My bedroom gets a very occasional hover and that's about it. What's a deep clean of a bedroom and how often is it needed?

Oops, strikeout fail

I have never seen spending time educating and caring for my family as a luxury.
How is that luxurious? Most luxuries stopped for us because we had a sahp.
It's fine to use childcare to enable you to work and the right of every parent.
Heaven help us if we went back to thinking women shouldn't work.
However, it's just as dangerous to presume having children equates to using childcare as the default, and if you don't it's somehow a luxury.

When you are at home with dc you are there to provide entertainment and to educate, not stick them in nursery or in front of tv while you clean

This^^

Although of course they get entertainment and education in nursery for those of us who woh. But I agree with the TV bit. Or expecting them to "entertain themselves" for hours while you clean.

Obviously some cleaning and household tasks need to be done to stop everything descending into total chaos during the day, but it's not the main job of a sahp.

The jobs the OP is talking about aren't everyday cleaning jobs anyway, they are once in a while extras. Not part of either person's "job".

Also - I agree taking out the bins is a tiny job that takes very little time. It's one I don't particularly like though, so I prefer it not to be one of mine.

Also having a sahm is a massive luxury for the working partner. I once took DD and stayed with my parents for a week while I was working. They looked after her all day and made the dinner etc, plus it was their house so they were doing most of the housework. My jobs were to go to work (quite a long day) and put DD to bed at night (she was a toddler), plus obviously helping to clear the table etc. It was amazing! So easy. And you get partners of sahms on here saying they can't muster up the energy to put DC to bed after work???

sorry, I think a SAHM absolutely should do the cleaning.

Especially as the 4 year old is probably in some sort of childcare, if not the 22 month old too.

I'm with the OP's DH. I do think that part of the SAHP role should involve cleaning. My DP works term time only and does so during the school holidays.

I think that a nearly 2 year old can be entertained fairly easily and also presumably naps and goes to bed at 7/8pm. A SAHP must have so much time to be able to fit in the cleaning around their playgroups etc.