To think Stay-at-Home Mum does NOT equal Stay-at-Home Cleaner?!

[SlinkyB]

Just had a shouting match with DH as he was pissed off I suggested we take it in turns to do some long-arm cleaning jobs this weekend, whilst the other looks after the kids.

He works full-time in a local office. I'm a SAHM to a 22mo and 4yo, who's just started school.

During the week I do all school runs, food shopping, cooking, vacuuming, dusting, washing up/dishwasher, change bedding, all laundry and 50% of the ironing.

I do not have time to do stuff like cleaning the oven, deep cleaning bathrooms (x2) or bedrooms (x4) or conservatory.

I think we should share those jobs. He wants me to do them whilst he takes ds1 to the cinema Said "SAHM goes hand-in-hand with cleaning".

Last time I checked, my name wasn't fucking Cinderella

I have a SAHP - we have a cleaner - because he is a bloke he is then called a c*cklodger/lazy so and so etc.
I can understand that a toddler makes it difficult- but there are some posters who have schoolage children and still don't think they should do the cleaning (or rather it should be them rather than the WOHP) - that baffles me.
Also a wohp who wants to spend time with children at weekend is regarded as having fund - whereas if the SAHP has the children that is considered work?

Your dh probably has an idea that you have more free time than you do, so he has unrealistic expectations. How to change that? Maybe he can try it for a day or two and see how much he gets done? or you can give him a run down of your day each day so he can understand what you do and how long all these things take, including playing with your dd and walking to and from places.

Well if you're reluctant to speak to you DH about this as he will 'go off on one', then that is the problem you need to tackle, rather than the cleaning tbh

I work part time with 3 children and do all the big cleaning jobs, he'll wash up when I'm at work. He also does all gardening car maintenance etc
With 1 at school and a 22 month old I don't see why you can't do them jobs during the week leaving weekend free.

Didn't read the whole thread ... has someone mentioned that you could ask to be paid? You are looking after HIS children.

If you calculated the wages for a nanny AND a cleaner, and the hours you work (complete with increased pay for nights) that would likely still be less than he earns, because women's work is not valued, but it might give him an idea on just how much work he expects you to do unpaid.
(I also think you should totally have your own bank account and be paid, because it is safer in case of divorce. Women usually do not get reimbursed for all the unpaid work they did.)

It is obvious that there are mums on here who are envious of the mums who don't have to go to work! Such bitter comments!

There is some truth in this I think.

I am wohm btw.

well it sounds like you are doing a great job and he doesnt appreciate you. Not entirely sure what you do about that - a good talk, without shouting, would be a start but he doesnt sound like he wants to listen.
Weird question but did his dad help out at home? I ask because it became clear that my DH's dad didnt and therefore his vision of homelife was quite different to mine (my parents split lots of chores - even before my mum went back to work.) I have tried shifting things to my way but its been a very, erm, gradual process. What i have got him to do though is stuff with the kids - he's bloody good with them, not so much with house & garden and now we sort of have a routine. It's not entirely of my choosing when I am stuck dong yet another load of laundry I do feel hacked off but then he doesnt always want to spend hours drawing houses and princesses with our youngest but he will do it.

I would consider taking a child who is old enough to sit still to the cinema fun.

I would consider looking after a toddler all day and doing the school runs day in day out work.

However, I think what has come out about me in several threads is I am much better with school aged children than toddler so perhaps ignore me!

It sounds like you do quite a bit of housework with your toddler in tow, and YANBU to expect him to pitch in with the bigger jobs.
I WOH fulltime, and DH also works. There is no money for a cleaner so we have no choice but to do housework (the bare minimum) in the evenings and weekends.
Having a job doesn't automatically mean you are exempt from all the donkey work involved in running a household.

OP - I am with you. It is impossible to properly clean with a toddler running around the place.

Your DH is being an arse. Leave him for the day with both DC and come back to see what sort of state everyone is in. Look at him with a dead set face and ask him if he got to the bathroom. When he says no - join the dots for him.

DH is in senior management and cleans his bathroom. I clean mine. He does 50% of his 100% which is about 25-30% of the actual housework that needs to be done. Not great but it is a start. Its also part of the reason why I work.

I am the poster up thread who said your h doesn't respect you. Reading your subsequent posts, he comes across as thinking he is in charge of you and as if he has a right to the final say on family decisions. It is not his sole choice as to whether you get a cleaner for example. You don't need his permission .

I think your problems are bigger than housework and whether a sahp should be doing more domestically.

I think you need to go back to work now. He isnt a man you should be financially dependent on and even taking the next 18 months out will disadvantage you, if only by solidifying his attitude to your role.

I think you need to go back to work now. He isnt a man you should be financially dependent on and even taking the next 18 months out will disadvantage you, if only by solidifying his attitude to your role.

As she probably won't get him to pay her a wage for housekeeping, yes, I think that'd be most sensible.

And have HIM pay for at least half of the childcare and cleaner, etc. (more if he doesn't take care of the children on weekends and evenings)

You shouldn't have to make sure the weekends are clear of household chores so your DH can spend 2 days being a carefree fun-only dad. But it is the same for him - he shouldn't have to clean all weekend so you can spend 5 carefree days in the week with the DC either.
Sounds like you and DH need to sit down and agree how this is going to work or you will have years of conflict ahead of you.

I have never understood this attitude of grown adults deciding they don't have to do any housework in their own home.

What the fuck did they do before they had wives to run around after them?

DH and I have always been of the attitude 'Get on with what needs done'.

That could mean some nights he came home to a spotless house, hot meal and two angelic children OR being rugby passed a screaming baby covered in custard while I run for my life. :o

But the normality is just him coming home and jumping into what's happening. He would never have a problem sticking on a load of washing while I was plating up dinner. Why would he?

As for deep cleaning, would your DH really sit back and do nothing while you ran around all weekend deep cleaning ovens and shoving you hand down toilets without even offering to help?

Was he very spoiled as a child?

I think that a good rule of thumb is to think in terms of hours, i.e. you spend 40 hours a week looking after the children, during which the cleaning is your responsibility to the extent that you are not leaving the DC unstimulated all day to do jobs but the house stays at least clean and tidy, the DC have clean clothes and decent food just as you would expect a nanny with housekeeping to do if you were paying them. Outside of that you divide things equally.

"DH would never agree to getting a cleaner! Even when I had a newborn, was recovering from a brain injury, and had a 3yr old he wouldn't get one. Not in his nature."

So, who did it then? Not him, I bet. He waited until you could get back to it. Dh and I had this row conversation about gardening. He has a psychological block about paying someone to come and do it when "we" could do it ourselves. By "we," he does, of course, mean me. I told him in no uncertain terms to shove it, and hey presto, we have a gardener.

I have never understood this attitude of grown adults deciding they don't have to do any housework in their own home. What the fuck did they do before they had wives to run around after them?

You can simply turn it around and say. I never understood this attitude of house wives. What the fuck did they do before they had husbands to go out and earn the money for them?

There's really not that much to do to run the house. I don't understand why you even need to do it in the weekend or evenings. You know, people managed before without washing machines, dishwashers, tumble dries, vacuum cleaners, steam mops etc.

My mum is a 'sahm', even though her DDs have now all flown the nest and have DCs of their own. My dad still does his share when he is home.

Your dh is being an arsehole.

In fairness, women didn't really work back then HeadDreamer.

Probably had jobs of their own and no children to look after, Head.

I always feel a bit of a slattern reading these threads.

We have a cleaner once a week who comes for 2hrs a week and does the main cleaning - hovering, cleaning bathrooms, kitchen floor and surfaces etc. I'll run the hoover in between visits if needed and DH is a bit tidier than me. But I'm not spending swathes of time doing cleaning outside of that.

Laundry is probably a couple of hours a week, grocery shopping another, food prep another couple.

Yes our oven could do with a "deep" clean ( or any clean to be honest) and the inside of the windows a wipe, but the house looks basically ok.

I don't believe any adult should do nothing around the house, but as he is out at work during the week it might be better to focus your efforts on getting him to take the DCs out as that is novel and different for him and good for your DCs and for you to do these big cleaning jobs in peace and quiet which will be unusual and therefore easier for you.

I want the TV series "wife swap" to come back, but in a "swap with your partner" format. SAHM (or dad) goes to work for 3 weeks, working partner stays home for same amount of time.

It would be very interesting to see how people reconsider their position after that.

(and I'd love to watch it!)

YANBU it fecking feels like I'm the cleaner

I find the get a job comments a bit daft. Perhaps op doesnt want to work but be a sahparent?