To think Stay-at-Home Mum does NOT equal Stay-at-Home Cleaner?!

[SlinkyB]

Just had a shouting match with DH as he was pissed off I suggested we take it in turns to do some long-arm cleaning jobs this weekend, whilst the other looks after the kids.

He works full-time in a local office. I'm a SAHM to a 22mo and 4yo, who's just started school.

During the week I do all school runs, food shopping, cooking, vacuuming, dusting, washing up/dishwasher, change bedding, all laundry and 50% of the ironing.

I do not have time to do stuff like cleaning the oven, deep cleaning bathrooms (x2) or bedrooms (x4) or conservatory.

I think we should share those jobs. He wants me to do them whilst he takes ds1 to the cinema Said "SAHM goes hand-in-hand with cleaning".

Last time I checked, my name wasn't fucking Cinderella

I agree with tattydevine lucky that my DH feels the same, and yes mrsjanedoe I do have a strong opinion on it despite having no experience, although I don't see what that's got to do with it, we're thinking of having babies soon it's something I've been talking about with DH, he's perfectly happy still doing his side of things once I'm at home.

Perhaps you misunderstood my issue. OP is doing most of the general day-to-day cleaning and tidying, as I would do, she's just asking for some more help at the weekends particularly with the larger stuff, and been told she can't expect any help at all, what is that?! I wouldn't expect OH to come home and do ALL the housework no, but he should be contributing something.

Interesting to say he wants to 'spend more time with the kids' to get out of it, but how about helping a bit to free up some of OP time so they can all enjoy 'family time' together instead, rather than OP feeling resentful and put upon.

If my dh behaved like this, im afraid id be putting my feet up during nap time and do fuck all, see how he likes living in a shit tip

My DH does a lot round the house but we don't really "deep clean" anything... Maybe that's the trick?

Once in a blue moon I pay £40 for someone to come over and blitz a few rooms. Could you do that?

i don't think sahm goes hand in hand with cleaning, but I do think most of the cleaning could get done in the week by both of you. DH & I both work ft, have 2 dc, 5 and 1 and we don't often do big cleaning jobs at the weekend, so maybe you both need to organize time better in the week so that your weekends are more fun.

Lower your standards. Sorry I know that sounds facetious but really you're priority is the child at home, not your home. Really no one else cares how clean your house is.

It helps that my DH gets that I do everything at home, the finances, the gardening, the school and hospital stuff. I have a child with SN who has a lot of appointments and needs me to argue with LEA etc to get her the support she needs. Thats my priority, not my house.

I do my best to keep on top of everything but things do slide a bit - especially during the holidays when the kids need a lot of my time and my youngest needs constant supervision. It does irritate me because I like order but you know, we manage.

Nobody has died here (yet).

I had four DC within 6 years so I totally get that it is tiring and there are times when it all seems a bit nuts but I still think it's better if the stay at home partner does most of the cleaning. My DH worked long hours and didn't get to spend enough time with the DC so i thought it was best for him to hang out with the DC when he wasn't at work. He would read to them at night or take them out if I had a big job I wanted to tackle.

He wouldn't have dreamt of making any arsey comments though.

My DH was always very apriciative and has never treated me as a skivvy. He has always worked hard for our family and if you totaled up how much he has worked over the years compared with how much 'work' I have then he has done a massive amount more than me. Its harder when the DC are young but that stage doesn't last for long.

I don't know how long you spend deep cleaning the bathroom but surely it doesn't take that long? It's a boring job but not that hard

We always shared about 50/50. By the end I earned 10x what he did. We both worked full time. Why not go back to full time work and develop a career? It tends to be most fun. It beats cleaning into a cocked hat for sure.

just and mrs, being a sahp is not without sacrifice. Women who do it often lose out on career progression, pensions, earning potential. And that's before you get into the self esteem issues of being perceived as sponging off the working partner! Believe it or not, having a sahp makes life massively easier in day to day terms for the wohp. Don't be thinking the poor oppressed husband gets nothing from this deal - he gets to go on work trips, thus progressing his career, not be hindered by sick kids or school holidays. And in the event of a divorce, he is financially advantaged.

The down side is that he has the pressure of being the sole wage earner. A sahm gets to be with her dc and not balance childcare with work, which is lovely,but, as I said, not without risk!

I think a weekend is long enough to enable a father to both play with his children and help out at home!

Top tip though, I have found the best way to clean an oven is whilst it's still warm from cooking :)

Short term remind him that you are not his member of staff, cleaner or servant. I like what the poster said about sex appeal, point out to your DH that if he helped more you would view him as a partner and possibly want to have sex with him more? Also can you give him things that are exclusive to him? men seem to like that, Bins/Recycling, Shop on way home from work, sort bathroom etc?

We both work FT and I still most do of the chores as he has a long commute and longer working hours. I have a cleaner for 2 hours a week.

The rate for a cleaner where I am is from £10 - £15 per hour, suggest this to your DH.

I feel like I am neglecting my DD if I cook a meal and clean every evening, so I cook ahead where possible to spend time with her after nursery. Plan ahead meals and shopping online is good. Its my New years resolution to not grocery shop but to do it online.

I haven't read the whole thread but do your DC qualify for some free nursery time? if so use the time for you, gym? see friends etc.

Deo

. Thanks for telling us that because we haven't heard it before.

There is a notion by some people that women who stay home through choice are either bored shitless or swanning about going to toddler groups eating cake there is no inbetween the op isnt expecting 50/50 she is just needing a hand from her husband to do a few jobs round the house and he thinks by taking a child to the pictures is helping I think his attitude stinks of me man she wife its 20015 fgs and this crap is still happening and it is still womens fault for not having a job

YABU and so is he

Your role as a SAHP depends on what you all agree it is.
It is different for every family.
If you think it is one thing and he thinks it is another neither of you are right
Talk to him about it. Tell him your expectations ,ask for his expectations.

Ditto with his WAHP. He obviously thinks it is one thing and you another.
Discuss your expectations, listen to his.

Make an actual agreement that works for your family

I thought the whole point was about the children!

It's not about fault, or anything it is about a fair share of work! I do believe it is fair to get all the housework done during the week, there's more than enough time for that, even with kids (maybe less during school holidays, but no-one wants to deep clean an oven during half term!).

Both parents have a job! one earns money, one takes care of the house, you can't make it any simpler. Free time you enjoy your kids, and the stay at home parent gets more than a fair share of that.

We have a choice in this country: woman can stay at home, they can work, no-one is a victim, we have exactly the same rights than men. Why do people always want to create division and inequalities when there are none.

I still think it's unreasonable to demand that someone spend time from a short weekend to deal with cleaning, when he should be enjoying his kids.

^During the week I do all school runs, food shopping, cooking, vacuuming, dusting, washing up/dishwasher, change bedding, all laundry and 50% of the ironing.

I do not have time to do stuff like cleaning the oven, deep cleaning bathrooms (x2) or bedrooms (x4) or conservatory.^

Really. Sorry to be putting you down. Your DH has a point. But you have one school aged child and a 22mo and you don't manage all that? You are terribly inefficient. You need to look at what you are doing each day and time sheet yourself. That's what you would have to do at work. I managed to do all that last year on maternity with a 3/4yo who's at nursery 3 days a week and a baby. And most of the day I just bump around watching TV.

Just curious, how long does it take you to clean? Now I'm back at work, we have a cleaner. She takes 2.5hours to clean a 4 bed house with 2 bathrooms, one toilet and conservatory. It took me 3 hours a week. I spread it out over three days when DD1 was at nursery. That's 1 hour a day! Grocery shopping I still do now I'm working full time. It's 1 hour a week at most. We still do a load of laundry every day in the evening after work. Bedding we change once a week in the weekend. So actually all you are doing more is that three hours of cleaning a week. If you can't get it done when your older is at school, you seriously need to look at how you do things.

Even in the 1960s my father hoovered at weekends, emptied bins around the house, including the sanitary towel bin, never mind doing all the night bottle feeds (as he was used to being up in the night (doctor) and my mother wanted sleep). If men could do that in the 60s and earlier I don't see why they can't now,. Never tolerate sexism even for a day.

But that is still saying the op should find a way to do all the cleaning so the dad can enjoy his children if he cleaned say 1 room then the op could do another then they both could do stuff together as a family the jobs still need done and the op still needs help

Fair division of labour is important - everyone should have some leisure time, and the family should spend some time together. You can't really say - I do all this as as SAHM, therefore you should too. Some children will play happily on their own, others daren't be left for a moment, or won't leave your side. Even laundry for a family of 4 can be different - some kids are neat, others wear their food, some men can go to work in T shirt and jeans, others need neatly ironed shirts, etc. (love the comment of 'they're my shirts to hate'). My dh had no clue how much work it was running a house; now we're empty nesters and he's retired, he sees how much work it is, and does more than he's ever done - tho I'm broken, so can't do it any longer!

Sod the deep clean. Go to the cinema together.

And if it is your DH wanting the deep clean done show him the mop.

Ronald I'm struggling to see how the OP could be unreasonnable to have her own idea of what being a SAHM means, and that it doesn't include being the cleaner.

As you say, everyone has their expectations and this is the OP's expectation! There is nothing wrong about it.

Clearly her DH has other expectations and he is completely wrong to try and impose it to the OP wo taking her pov into account. (And this is what is happening as I suspect this isn't the first time the OP is explaining to her DH this isn't working for him but he still goes on about how 'SAHM=being the cleaner').

AS far as I am concerned, everything that happens when we are all at home was shared 50/50.
When I was at home with two dcs the age of the OP's dcs, my role was to be a MUM, not a cleaner. That means my time was directed towards the dcs, ensuring tht they have the right sort of activities, eat well etc etc. ie I took what a CM does or what they do at nursery and refused to do more than that (ie NOT the ironing, the full on cleaning of thre house etc etc).
I'm not expecting a CM or a nursery worker to clean their bathroom so I'm not. I'm expecting them to do some messy play or painting or a walk at the park so that's what I did.
Because my WORK was to be a MUM/CARER to my dcs.
And cleaning was chores to do together as a family.

letsgoandbedragged "just and mrs, being a sahp is not without sacrifice. Women who do it often lose out on career progression, pensions, earning potential. And that's before you get into the self esteem issues of being perceived as sponging off the working partner! Believe it or not, having a sahp makes life massively easier in day to day terms for the wohp. Don't be thinking the poor oppressed husband gets nothing from this deal - he gets to go on work trips, thus progressing his career, not be hindered by sick kids or school holidays. And in the event of a divorce, he is financially advantaged.

The down side is that he has the pressure of being the sole wage earner. A sahm gets to be with her dc and not balance childcare with work, which is lovely,but, as I said, not without risk!"

I don't disagree with any of this. I agree that anyone who becomes a SAHP makes a sacrifice. However, I still think that if you are kicking around in or near the home all day, then it's reasonable that you do the lion's share of the housework

Sorry but if he expects you to do serious cleaning jobs with a 4 year old and 22 month old, he is a dick. We have a very traditional setup here and I'm super-domestic but my house looked like a tornado had hit every evening when my kids were toddlers.

I think you need to outsource this because it's an easy way of not only avoiding disproportionate work in your marriage but also putting a price on his laziness.

Deo Exactly.

Isn't this about the OP's DH and his attitude to the division of the household chores, rather than whether she should be able to manage them or not?

My DH is entirely the opposite. He couldn't even give a monkeys if I didn't work at all (I do btw) and certainly wouldn't expect me to spend my time doing household chores.

Therefore, I don't actually mind doing the lions share, because it's not expected iyswim?

Tbf it sounds like the op does the lions shareall she has done is asked for help and he has basically told her to piss off he is taking the kid to the cinema leaving her with the toddler and the cleaning imo that is unfair if my dh did that when my dc were young i probably would have gone to the cinema and left him with the toddler

I apologise if you've already answered this OP, I may have missed it, but it is pretty important IMHO - does the 22 month old go to nursery, have time with GPs etc.? Or is she in your care all day everyday?

If you've got a toddler ever present, then YANBU to expect to not have to do all of the housework. If the toddler goes to nursery or similar then you probably should be taking on all of the household cleaning.

I have done both, I have worked full-time & been a SAHP. I am currently a little of both as employed but have been off sick for a while, following an RTA so have time on my hands. I do have some help from DH as a I have a back injury (which is why I can't work at the moment) so some cleaning jobs are unmanageable - but I do everything else. My youngest is 4, so at school now.

I don't agree with the notion often seen on MN (but not in RL I find), that partners should always be sharing housework 50/50 irrespective of who's working & who isn't. IMO things should be shared depending on who has the most free time not spent at work and not spent looking after pre-school age children. Social engagements, gym, golf etc. don't count as reasons not to do your fair share either (sorry DH) .