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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Offered a lift, everyone assumed it would be free...now what?

281 replies

liftissues · 25/11/2015 20:07

I've been on here for years but have NC for this thread as it's pretty identifying (if any of my friends are on MN - possible - and I'd rather they didn't know my normal posting name!)

I'm out with some female friends this weekend - we're going for a few drinks/meal etc in a nearby town, about 5-6 miles away. A cab would be a minimum of £15. There's about 8-10 of us going in all.

Anyway, I mentioned it to my boyfriend, who said he'd give me and another 3 friends (he's got a normal 5 seater, so that's all that will fit) a lift into town. He's not working at the moment, and hasn't been for the last 6-8 weeks - he's waiting for a contract to start which should be early in the NY, and although he has some savings, obviously they are starting to dwindle away slowly, especially with Xmas coming up - so he said could we give him a tenner? (so still a lot less than a cab) which seemed fair to me.

I dropped the 3 friends who live nearest a group text letting them know about the lift - but I didn't mention the £10. Now they've all assumed it's free, and have said they'll split cab fares with the others who have to get a cab (but that I don't need to chip in).

In a sense it's not an issue, I can afford to give my bloke the £10 myself - and not mention it to either him or them - but I'm just thinking what if they mention it in the car? I don't want them to feel bad for not offering him any money, or him to feel bad for asking, but I think if I go back now, when they've told all the others and agreed to split their fares it's just going to be a right mess.

WIBU to keep quiet? Or what else should I do?

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 25/11/2015 20:46

It all sounds so embarrassingly tacky, op Hmm. There is no way I'd think to offer you "a couple of quid" as I got out of the car, it seriously wouldn't enter my head.

AssembleTheMinions · 25/11/2015 20:47

Does it really take 25 mins to drive 6 miles? Confused

I would just give him the money beforehand. I doubt anyone would say anything other that 'thanks for the lift' so you should be ok.

I know you didn't ask, but it's a but off to ask you girlfriend for £10 for a journey that probably won't cost much more than £3.

Inertia · 25/11/2015 20:47

Do you ever do any favours for him? Do you ever drive him anywhere,cook his meals, let him shower at yours etc? Because if it's the kind of relationship where you're pretty meticulous about splitting costs equally then fair enough.But if you regularly give him lifts, or buy his meals , then it does seem a little bit tight.

Original poster
liftissues · 25/11/2015 20:48

I'd rather pay the money myself. If I say don't give us a lift, I have to

a) explain to boyfriend that I hadn't asked anyone for money and they'd arranged to split other cab fares

b) cancel the lift arrangement with other friends, which then involves them contacting the rest of the group, and rearranging what THEY'RE all paying for cab fares.

It's just a total palaver. And as I said, now that's how it is, I don't mind paying it. I'd just rather he didn't know I was giving him the money from my own pocket.

If he thought we'd all given him £10 (or they'd bought me a couple of drinks in lieu, and then I'd paid the £10 or whatever) that's fine.

I know him well enough to know he wouldn't want me to pay it all myself. not a question of him not 'charging' me - just that he wouldn't want me to give him the whole tenner purely from me.

OP posts:
SeldomAthleticFC · 25/11/2015 20:49

Can't you just tell your bloke what's happened? You could offer to give him the tenner anyway, if you're happy to do that. Then you won't have to get all stressed about someone saying something because he'll already know and you can just enjoy your evening.
It's hardly a dumping offence that your poor skint bloke thought he might get a few quid out of the deal. Some posters are a bit harsh!

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 25/11/2015 20:49

Unless he has a super sports car, a 12 mile journey will use hardly any petrol let alone £10.

I'd never dream of offering such a short lift then charging and would be Hmm if my partner asked me for money for a lift.

AnyFucker · 25/11/2015 20:50

Profiteering...not very sexy is it ?

SeldomAthleticFC · 25/11/2015 20:50

X post. Still, just tell him!

NoSquirrels · 25/11/2015 20:52

You've offered them a lift (= free) and your bloke has offered you a paid-for favour (£10). You made the agreement with your DP, so you pay him the tenner, no one else is any the wiser. Lesson learned that you should have mentioned it at the outset.

I would personally be wanting the lift on the way back too, for a tenner!

From your friends' point of view, between 4 of you a saving of £5 on the usual taxi fare is nothing, only just over £1 each, so of course it would seem totally odd to be paying your DP instead of the taxi.

It would only be worth it if you were going to need 3 taxis, but you'd all have fit in 2 taxis anyway I presume (a six-seater and 4).

MoriartyIsMyAngel · 25/11/2015 20:56

It all sounds reasonable to me. And like the OP says, he wouldn't take money from his partner, he's just basically thinking he can earn a couple of quid and save her friends a couple of quid too.

But there is a chance it'll come out instantly. 'Thanks for the lift Mr liftissues!' 'Your're welcome, and thanks for the tenner!' 'WTF?'

Good luck! Grin Maybe distract them with soem juicy gossip straight from the off!

Original poster
liftissues · 25/11/2015 20:56

25 mins is the least it takes. It's a local route, a few 20mph roads, and there's always at least some traffic. At busy times I've taken an hour to get there!

We tend to split costs fairly equally - we don't live together as said so our finances are separate, but we tend to take turns paying for things when we're out for meals or drinks. He eats here more than I eat at his, but he often gives me money towards food shopping, and doesn't let me pay for anything when I'm at his.

Honestly I think he's just a little worried about Xmas coming up, no money coming in, he's given me and friends lifts to places before (when he was working) and not asked for a thing.

OP posts:
reni2 · 25/11/2015 20:57

Tell the others you won't take part in the sharing of the cab fare because you paid for his petrol?

Devora · 25/11/2015 20:57

It just seems a bit odd that you can't discuss this with him, as you're in a long term relationship OP. Just say, lightly, 'I feel a bit odd asking friends for money, so I'll give you the cash myself, ok?' If he says, "oh no, I don't want you to pay it all', just repeat that you feel odd charging friends, and say, 'If it's easier, we can just get a cab'.

it doesn't have to be a big deal.

Waltermittythesequel · 25/11/2015 20:57

OP how can you say he's not profiting from it?!

He has a bloody nerve!

NoelHeadbands · 25/11/2015 21:03

I think you're worrying unnecessarily tbh.

Without wanting to sound like I'm piling in, I doubt your mates would even consider that he might have asked for money for such a short trip so they won't say more than 'thanks' surely? And anyone who has asked for money tends not to want to dwell on it, so he won't mention it either.

But if it's really bothering you, just say I'm giving you the tenner cos we've agreed that the others are all going to split cab costs, that way we're all contributing something and then change the subject!

NoSquirrels · 25/11/2015 21:04

YY to what Devora said.

GloGirl · 25/11/2015 21:05

My DH gets reimbursed 40p per mile for driving in work expenses. It's supposed to cover ear and tear as well as petrol. Making the round trip a fiver in petrol. He's charging 2/3rds of a taxi which is very high.

To me it sounds like he's doing it to make money not be helped out so he's not spending his last pennies on taking you out.

XiCi · 25/11/2015 21:05

He's not much of a partner if you can't talk to him about this. And him asking your friends for a tenner for a 2 quid journey is fucking awful. Either he wants to do you a favour or not.

YoniMitchell · 25/11/2015 21:05

I just don't get the whole:

*If I say don't give us a lift, I have to

a) explain to boyfriend that I hadn't asked anyone for money and they'd arranged to split other cab fares*

This whole charging you/your friends having offered a lift is just bizarre IMO.

I would just decline his offer as you don't want to put him out given the time it can apparently take to make the round trip.

I'm sure your friends would be flexible with the wider group arrangements if he was 'unexpectdly/now unable' to give you all a lift.

DickDewy · 25/11/2015 21:06

Blimey.

He's offering a lift and expects to be paid for it? He sounds like a catch.

aWowChristmasGuna · 25/11/2015 21:07

bit of a tightwad to charge you!

I'm not married but sometimes friends' partners pick us up if we're out (with a few others) and they certainly don't expect to be paid for collecting their own gf/wife from a restaurant. Wow.

AnyFucker · 25/11/2015 21:07

You are tying yourself in knots

Do you always have to double think and tread very carefully in how you word things in relation to him ?

Dogsmom · 25/11/2015 21:10

I think you're worrying too much, on the way there it's not likely to be a topic of conversation and I assume he's not going to ask for the money when he drops you off like a real taxi driver.
Just give him the tenner now and say you'll sort it out with your mates while you're out with them.

chinam · 25/11/2015 21:12

I'd be mortified if my DH wanted money to drop me and a few friends to town. Take the hit on the £10 and stick with official taxis in future.

Naicecuppatea · 25/11/2015 21:13

Under no circumstances would I even think of offering to pay a friend or friend's boyfriend for a lift somewhere. I would thank them profusely and that would be it. I am sorry OP but I find the charging a tenner very a bit odd.