To think this is inappropriate and make a complaint to the school

[limcelloinprosecco]

My Dh and I split up in August. I suspect he had an affair with a colleague who is now is gf. Both he and the new gf are teaching assistant at dds school. We had an agreement that the gf would be introduced (out of school as they know each other in school) gradually and they would only do what I felt comfortable with. I have found out that when dd went to stay with her dad the other day the gf was there too and they all shared a bed. This has happened on s coupe of recent occasions. My dd was also told to keep it a secret from me . I'm obviously fuming but my question is could o formally make a complaint to the school for the inappropriateness of it and what action is the school likely to take?
X

This scenario is outrageous. I actually knew a person in a similar situation, both TA's in a school and one was married. (no kids involved, thankfully)

The thing was, everybody knew and everybody judged. The head wasn't fussed, but the staff and parents were all well aware and gossiping. Even if people weren't being nasty, it's hard to hold your head up under that kind of scrutiny for long. Both ended with nervous breakdowns and careers in tatters.

In your case, I think it probably doesn't matter what you do. Your dd will mention it to someone, who will tell someone else, word will spread and people will react in just the way you've seen here. In my school, parents would be happy to tell the TA exactly what they think of their conduct.

But as her parent he is able to make decisions. And children ate quite adept at understanding that adults have different roles in different settings. When my kids have friends over for tea their friends call me by my first name and the relationship is different. It's not beyond children to see adults that are not their physical parents as having different roles at different times.

If you really think it's inappropriate then complain to SS and stop unsupervised contact. Otherwise, just stop regulating what your ex does.

parent would be happy to tell

Some people will try to meddle in things that are none of their business. Staff in school are usually quite good at cutting off such conversations.

Yes, but it's up to the adults to set those boundaries first, and it's not clear that's happening here.

If your child had a friend to sleepover and both wanted to get in and sleep in your bed, what would you do?

But as her parent he is able to make decisions.

Not very good ones. If my husband had my kids sharing a bed with him and his new woman within three months of a split I'd be going to court to get an injunction.

I don't even know what I'd do about this TA, I wouldn't trust myself around her. What a twat.

Alan, I've also worked in the same school as my DD and the children all knew and would at times ask my DD personal questions about our home/life etc. They also would look at me/give an extra smile or clap if DD got a prize or did something in assembly. That was nice, but totally different from one TA going off with another/breaking up a family.

I was also extra careful about not having children from school in my house as they knew where I stayed and would turn up to play with DD. I would let them play in our garden, but not in our house unless I knew the parents well/it was prearranged.

This was not only to protect myself as a teacher but also because I felt that both DD and myself were entitled to privacy away from school.

If your child had a friend to sleepover and both wanted to get in and sleep in your bed, what would you do?

That's not a comparable situation at all, OneMore. In the OP's case, the child's parent was present and happy with the sleeping arrangements.

If my husband had my kids sharing a bed with him and his new woman within three months of a split I'd be going to court to get an injunction.

Do you really think you'd get one?

Ok, cel, let's say that Alan called the child's parent and asked if it was ok - would she do that?

Personally, I wouldn't do it as a TA - I think it blurs boundaries.

Having done a safeguarding course myself, if a six year old told me that she was sharing a bed with her dad and his new girlfriend and told to keep it a secret, I would be obliged to report it. I would expect that the school would be taking it seriously.

I think there are two issues of concern:

The co sleeping and being told to keep it a secret.

The lack of a separate bedroom space for the child, lack of privacy too.

I would advise a chat either with CAB or NSPCC. Be calm when speaking to these organisations and keep it simple. Then report it to the school, and tell them you have had advice from outside children's organisations.

I would talk to the Head, not necessarily to make an official complaint. Just to get it untangled and so you know what boundaries you want to enforce, and so the Head can tell the TA what is and what is not acceptable in this situation. Head can also have a quiet word about the alleged remark and remind TA of how far she can encroach on her pupil relationship.

How can this end well?
You complain you look vengeful
You leave it and if the 3rd party TA is right she shit stirs, but you can't complain as it makes you look vengeful.

Your ex is a dick for putting your daughter in this position.
If the relationship goes tits up, it's bad enough for adults to deal with when they work together let alone a 6 year old.

If they end up happily ever after and the TA is respectful of boundaries and awkwardness of working with her step daughter, not to mention dealing with her mum on a daily basis - great. But it's not sounding like it's going that way.

Depending how you get on with the head I'd maybe looking at an off the record chat to explain your concerns. Depending on the school size id also be thinking of moving your daughter as it just sounds overly messy, distracting and unprofessional.

The 3rd TA relaying what she said suggests to me that all is not rosy in the staffroom about this situation. It certainly wouldn't have been in my last school, staff would have been really uncomfortable with this and judging big time.

1. DD sharing a bed with her Dad and his new gf. Fine to be a bit unhappy - can't he at least buy a Ready Bed so she has a choice?
   But: the new gf being a TA at DD's school - I would be concerned about the blurring of boundaries. What if Dad and gf split, would a 6 year old know it was now wrong for her to share a bed with gf?

2. keeping secrets about this kind of thing is wrong. A Nanny I knew used the terms "surprises and secrets" to differentiate the things you don't have to tell your parents from those you do.

3. the gf making comments about you in school - I would complain about any TA making such comments. It's totally unprofessional.

Seeing that you have someone impartial to the issue telling you that the gf is using your dd to have a go at you (esp the 'moaning AGAIN' rings bells to me, I would tell the school.

The HT is aware about it anyway and I think you can really mention it to her in a not aggressive way, something like a question about boundaries between the pupi;s and the TA in that unusual situation and report what has happened.

Of course, another solution would be the change school which could be a good solution for all concerned.

Not for the little girl whose parents have split up - moving school too would be a double whammy. Not maybe for the OP, who probably has friendly faces in the playground, and may also live nearby. Why on earth should the OP/DD have to move schools? If anyone should move it's one (or both) TAs.

Thanks for all taking the time to comment , I am now even more confused about what to do for the best! X

I would go and speak to HT, not to make a complaint but just to seek reassurance that the school will support your child as best they can during what is a very difficult situation for you both. I would also express your concerns about professional boundaries and that you're worried about your child being the target of playground tittle - tattle especially given situations like the bed sharing.

It's not unusual at all for parents to go in and talk to HT in confidence about a difficult home situation e.g. separation/bereavement/pet dying, because they want school to be aware and to keep a wee eye on their child at school in case they're struggling/upset. The thing that's preventing you doing this is that they work there. You are as entitled as any other parent to seek support for your child from the school.

I personally don't know how you're having the restraint to not tear this pair of absolute arse limb from limb.

I think you need a proper chat with your ex about the sleeping situation and encouraging your daughter to keep secrets from you.

If you can get those issues sorted would you feel happier?

*arses

The school would be unable to take any action, as the events concerned took place outside school. As to members of staff committing adultery, likewise; at one time your husband and his girlfriend would have found themselves working at opposite ends of the Borough, at the very least, but not any more. Morals don't count.

As a parent, you are certainly within your rights to apprise the Head of the situation, that is the marriage breakdown and how it might affect your child in school. S/he will undoubtedly know anyway, and won't be impressed; this sort of behaviour splits school staff and starts factions, and the pupils will be aware.

The most upsetting thing is that your husband and his girlfriend, both people working in a position of trust with young children, told your daughter to lie; this would concern me most, although I definitely would not be happy with them all sharing a bed so soon into a relationship. Neither of them sounds appropriate TA material; they see at first hand the damage and distress marriage breakdowns cause to children, but are not prepared to moderate their own behaviour.

Excellent suggestion from keeptrudging I would follow her suggestion.

I think I will do this, my only question is especially to those who work I schools is there danger that I speak to the head, informally but then whether I like it or not that have to make if formal, discipline the staff, involve safeguarding / SS like some of you have said.If this is a possible outcome I need to know as no going back once it's done.