To think that actually dsd should know the consequences of her decision?

[Cloudybutwarm]

Yes I'm braving aibu for a step related issue....

Dsd is 10.5.

On Saturday, as in 6 days time, we are due to be flying to Florida, her, me, Dh and our two boys, 4 and 1. This was booked and paid for months ago.

Yesterday we had a text from her mum to say that dsd has decided she doesn't want to come as she doesn't want to be away from her mum for so long. In the run up to the holiday she has said a few times she was going to really miss her mum, but she is spent far more time talking about how much she's looking forward to it. We have an ongoing thing with her not liking to be away from her mum so Dh had a few conversations with her about it before we booked and she was adamant she'd be fine.

We have taken her on holiday before, and yes she missed her mum and there was the odd tear but overall she was fine and loved the holiday.

So now with less than a week to go we are probably £1k down, have a heartbroken 4 year old who idolises his big sister and doesn't understand why she won't be coming any more and of course a completely gutted Dh.

There is obviously no point in insisting that she comes as that would probably end up making for a miserable holiday for everyone.

Her mum said to Dh please don't be angry with her, she's really upset. Dh is torn between being angry and feeling that he shouldn't be angry with her. I personally think that 10 is obviously a tricky age as she's still a child and yet not a young child.... And therefore I do think that while it's not like we need to be cross and shouty she does need to understand what she's done, that it's cost us a lot of money and that both her dad and brother are very upset. I think she is certainly old enough to be made to see there are consequences for makings decisions like this right at the last moment.

So as not to drip feed, it came to light last week that she's been experiencing some low level bullying at school which has obviously been upsetting her, I must admit that I struggle to see that she wouldn't then prefer to go to Disney for two weeks rather than be in school but there we go....

So basically aibu to think that in these circumstances actually it's ok to be a bit angry and to spell out to dsd the consequences of her actions?

Poor little girl. :(

You can't make her feel more crap than she must already be feeling. I think it's awful that you want to.

All the people saying 'make her go' and 'she should have no choice' are really not thinking about the implications of that. Forcibly taking a distraught 10 year old away from her mother when she's feeling SO bad that she's said she doesn't want to go to Disneyland? Do you thin they should drag her sobbing through the airport then, posters? You think she'd just buck up and get on with it? So naive. Are you thinking about her long-term mental health? Awful responses. As for the replies about parents being 'entitled' to equal time/holidays - they disgust me. This is not a possession that's being divided up here you know, it's a human. She didn't choose for her parents to be in different places and never getting to be with one without being away from the other.

She's a child. A little girl who is having a lot of anxiety in her life. I'm glad she has a caring mother and am not at all surprised that she's gravitating towards her.

hairy but you're forgetting that if you're a DSC then you're a child and expected to act accordingly same was as a DSP is expected to be far more mature and act as an adult.

I'm not saying there are good/bad DSP and good/bad DSC or not.

I thought I read that mum had said no to term holiday, but dh booked it anyway. So she said ok to the holiday knowing it was during term time and then afterwards said she didn't want her to miss school? Or was it, she said no, and was then told that dd has been told about it and mum would be the mean one saying no and making dd miss out.

If it's the first then I don't understand why she now has a problem with term after after saying it was fine to book those dates.

The second situation she's agreed reluctantly as she was in a unfair situation by your dh. He def should have discussed with her before dd.

I can't see how it's fair that dsd has to face up to the consequences when her father is oblivious to the consequences of taking a 10 year old out of school for two weeks

super if you read the thread properly you'll see it is the mother who has said she's not coming on holiday with us for the foreseeable future, not I, the wicked stepmother.

I've read the first and last and don't know what's been said inbetween but my immediate reaction was .. why on earth was a term time holiday booked for a Year 6 child in the first place. She should be at school. There is no other debate. The holiday should never have been booked. The child sounds wiser than all the adults put together.

I want to see the disney xmas decorations too but it's not happening with a school age DD (actual christmas hols is 10/10 busy parks shutting at capacity at 10am so a no go for us)

You say you are £1000 down but I don't see how.

An off peak child's flight should be £500 maximum. If you contact the airline and explain she isn't travelling you can claim the tax back.

Accomodation/car hire the same whether 4 or 5 go.

Park tickets - she will have unused adult ones (disney children are 9 and under). You can easily sell them on ebay or similar or save them for a future trip if they are not year specific.

Inickedaname he didn't book anything until mum had agreed to the dates, but he had already spoken to dsd about going away before clearing it with mum. So she was stuck between a rock and a hard place.

£1k was an estimate for flights, tickets, about £300 spent on special new holiday clothes, esta, things we've pre booked to do over there that we may or may not get money back for....

* A ten year old doesn't get to choose if they go on a family holiday. In a non step family a child could not just opt out. Your dsd has two parents , her being with her mum is not more important.*

A shocking response. Utterly devoid of empathy, along with being shockingly ignorant and downright thick.

I think a 10 yo should be told which parent she is going to spend time with, not asked, but then I live with my children's father, so maybe my opinion doesn't count.

I bet she really wants to go to Florida, but is worried about missing her mum. I don't think that's a fair position to put a 10yo in. I think all adults should jolly her along once a decision has been made, and suspect has influenced the DD somewhat, even if it's subconsciously.

Any character meals etc are cancellable online in advance 24/48 hours notice. Esta is £9. Like I say any tickets can be sold on.

Whilst money obviously isn't the important thing here you should only be a few hundred out of pocket for the flight. Or don't cancel the seat and let the baby have it/use the luggage allowance.

May make dsd feel better when the dust settles to know she hasn't cost you £1000.

cloudy I feel sorry for DSD but I do feel sorry for you too as this entire situation has not been of your making and also tbh it seemed like a possibility from the very beginning that it might fall apart. I really do think you're trying to do the best for your DSD and your own DC and being thwarted in a way by the other adults.

I know DSD's mum is suggesting putting holidays on the back burner for a while but I think that's a decision you may want to casually revisit with DSD. I would hate her to think she's now banned from holidaying with you because she pulled out of this break. I know that's very much not the case but for a sensitive DC caught between two parents who have very different priorities, it could feel that way.

Also, be careful of your DH's lack of concern for the implications of his actions. I can't help but think if it had been managed better at the beginning, neither DSD or your own DC would be in the current position of having a feeling of disappointment around what had the potential to be a magical break.

It's NBU to be angry with DSD and her mum. But you can't take it out on a 10 year old. That's not fair and she isn't old enough to understand the value of money and the cost of holidays. I don't think anyone really understands the true value of money until they start to earn it imo.

If you want to keep a good relationship going with your DSD and especially for your DH's sake, you need to let this go. Enjoy your holiday, comfort your DH and tell your DSD that you still love her, that you will miss her but will see her soon and you have Christmas to look forward to sharing together. Grace and love not frustration and anger, for your sake as well as DSD.

Plus you won't have to pay the school fine now.

Dixie, how do you know how much th flights cost? Maybe they aren't in economy. And the accommodation cost may well have been higher if they booked a bigger place than they would have if she wasn't going.

Op, regardless of how much money was "wasted" just try to think that you have saved the fine money instead. Isn't that around £240 for two weeks, assuming he would pay both parents fines himself?!

I dont think the mum is banning future holidays in order to be a bitch. I think she is trying to take pressure off her child by making it a 'mum' decision - a way to reduce stress.

Even though the mum was clearly not in favour of the holiday timing, she wasn't obstructive. She went along with it until such time as her dd decided she didn't want to go. She isn't striking me as someone who is deliberately difficult, but as someone who is trying her best to make life easier for a stressed child.

Dixie don't worry, no one has said to dsd that that's 1k up the spout. Dh will investigate tomorrow what he can get his money back on.

morganly very true 😀

aplace thank you for your kind words. I think as I said before, a lot of my frustration stems from seeing this outcome all along. The no future holidays seems to be a joint agreement with dsd and her mum, but obviously I guess we'll just see what happens there.

True they may be flying premium or first class but op doesn't say that to explain £1000 - says ESTA, clothes and tickets.

Accomodation in Florida, babies don't count so they are a 4 with dsd, 3 if not so can fit in a standard hotel room. So no differnce accomodation.

Anyway not about the money but disingenuous to say they are £1k down, extra pressure on Dsd.

Op yanbu, but neither is your dsd. She cannot help how she feels,there is nothing to gain by making her accept any consequences, please don't do this. When I was 11 I begged my parents to let me go on a school trip to Switzerland, they agreed to pay even though money was tight and I really wanted to go even though I had this niggling thing in the back of my mind. I started to really, really worry about leaving my mum, it was irrational and I just kept telling myself it would be ok. I couldn't say I wouldn't go when my parents would lose their deposit, I felt so guilty. The whole week I cried myself to sleep every night, when I look at Photos I feel my heart start beating harder, just like it was beating in my chest the whole seven days. I honestly don't think having my dad there would have helped, it was all about my mum and feeling terrified of leaving her. It passed after a year or two. I get where you're coming from but you just dont know how dsd is feeling

If a child is 'not a possession', how come it's generally the mum who manages to 'keep' the child from having a proper holiday with the Dad/controls these things. That is equally treating the child like a possession!

My ex was an absolute idiot, but I didn't ever let my son opt out of holidays with him. My ex was absolutely entitled to the same chance to have extended time and make lovely memories with my son as I was.

Had I pulled out all the 'mummy's going to miss you soooo much' stuff, and given him the option to not go, it wouldn't have made him feel secure or been good for his relationship with his dad. How is it in any way treating both parents equally?

dixie not disingenuous, firstly, that is currently about how much we've spent - as I said Dh will investigate tomorrow what he can get his money back on. I isn't even thought of accommodation but actually we have a villa, and yes we could have got a 3 bed instead of a 4 bed but never mind.

Dh spoke to dsd tonight, basically just said we were sad she wasn't coming. I don't know (and I don't think he knows yet) if he'll say anything else to her at another time.

LetGo I don't think any of us know whether the mum has been obstructive or not. But imo her reluctance to let her DD miss her (the DM's) birthday ; her constant face-timing on the last holiday, and her regularly telling her DD she was missing her and making her DD say it back - all point to a parent who is creating insecurity, anxiety and co-dependency. Hopefully she isn't doing it deliberately but she isn't helping her DD.

The 'not missing her birthday' - we've had that too. It doesn't work like that for my DH, who generally has to celebrate his birthday with them at a later date, no 'special day' for him with his children.

Your DH is the one who needs to learn consequences. Going against his wife's decision. Going against his ex partner's decision. Going against school rules / law. Going against common sense. Manipulating his DD. Ignoring her request to change the date to be there for her mum on her birthday. Bad luck if he is £1k down.