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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that actually dsd should know the consequences of her decision?

365 replies

Cloudybutwarm · 22/11/2015 16:41

Yes I'm braving aibu for a step related issue....

Dsd is 10.5.

On Saturday, as in 6 days time, we are due to be flying to Florida, her, me, Dh and our two boys, 4 and 1. This was booked and paid for months ago.

Yesterday we had a text from her mum to say that dsd has decided she doesn't want to come as she doesn't want to be away from her mum for so long. In the run up to the holiday she has said a few times she was going to really miss her mum, but she is spent far more time talking about how much she's looking forward to it. We have an ongoing thing with her not liking to be away from her mum so Dh had a few conversations with her about it before we booked and she was adamant she'd be fine.

We have taken her on holiday before, and yes she missed her mum and there was the odd tear but overall she was fine and loved the holiday.

So now with less than a week to go we are probably £1k down, have a heartbroken 4 year old who idolises his big sister and doesn't understand why she won't be coming any more and of course a completely gutted Dh.

There is obviously no point in insisting that she comes as that would probably end up making for a miserable holiday for everyone.

Her mum said to Dh please don't be angry with her, she's really upset. Dh is torn between being angry and feeling that he shouldn't be angry with her. I personally think that 10 is obviously a tricky age as she's still a child and yet not a young child.... And therefore I do think that while it's not like we need to be cross and shouty she does need to understand what she's done, that it's cost us a lot of money and that both her dad and brother are very upset. I think she is certainly old enough to be made to see there are consequences for makings decisions like this right at the last moment.

So as not to drip feed, it came to light last week that she's been experiencing some low level bullying at school which has obviously been upsetting her, I must admit that I struggle to see that she wouldn't then prefer to go to Disney for two weeks rather than be in school but there we go....

So basically aibu to think that in these circumstances actually it's ok to be a bit angry and to spell out to dsd the consequences of her actions?

OP posts:
LineyReborn · 22/11/2015 20:38

Your DSD having an older brother who doesn't have holidays could be an issue.

Did you DH take him on holidays when he was with his mum and he was his step-dad? Does he not still consider himself to be his daughter's brother's step-dad?

Original poster
Cloudybutwarm · 22/11/2015 20:41

run that's not exactly how it happened! Nothing was actually booked until it was all agreed.

OP posts:
AndNowItsSeven · 22/11/2015 20:44

A ten year old doesn't get to choose if they go on a family holiday. In a non step family a child could not just opt out. Your dsd has two parents , her being with her mum is not more important.

Senpai · 22/11/2015 20:45

I think you need to put yourself in her shoes:

If she goes, she will be guilt tripped by her mom, by telling her how very much she will miss her, and how sad she is that she won't be there on her birthday -oh but she does so hope she has fun-, and asking if she'll miss her.

If she doesn't she will be guilt tripped by her father about how she wasted money and hurt everyone's feelings.

You guys have all put her in a shitty situation, which is not her fault in the least. Of course a girl is going to choose the mother she lives with, after a round of subtle chinese water torture about how much she'll be missed and feeding into her already existing anxiety.

The mom's a bitch. The father is inconsiderate. The poor girl never asked to be caught between any of this.

The best thing you can do to make this easier is to just let it go with no guilt and next time schedule a trip without her.

SuperFlyHigh · 22/11/2015 20:47

Just had the update and I think your DH is actually is BVU booking the holiday, ignoring his DD wanting to be with her DM on her DM's birthday etc.

Bit of a drip feed especially to those who haven't read the previous post.

Poor DSD she must wonder who to please, she is being bullied and then you're putting the boot in saying she's being a bit pre-teen moody etc. I wonder why that is?! I'd put yourself in her shoes. Poor girl.

INickedAName · 22/11/2015 20:48

Sorry OP, I didn't read your other thread,

I read it as mum agreed to holiday but asked for it not to be in term time, and dh then went and booked term time.

Was the holiday booked without asking mum at all? But with dh already talking about it to dd? Sorry if sound dense.

Does mum realise it won't be just dh who is fined but also her. I'm almost certain it's both parents.

I hope you find a solution.

SuperFlyHigh · 22/11/2015 20:49

I agree with Cockwomble too.

I think children are under immense pressure when they're taken out of school for holidays without the bullying that may come from envy at a Disney holiday.

Totally unthought out.

christinarossetti · 22/11/2015 20:51

It's your dh that you should be cross with, if anyone.

If you predicted this happening from the outcome and he knew this, he should have taken notice of your concerns and reconsidered a shorter, possibly not term time holiday, that didn't fall over his dd's mother's birthday.

On the other hand, why did you put your foot down to insist that the holiday fell over dsd's mother's birthday, when she's already expressed ambivalence about this?

I don't blame you for being annoyed as the waste of such a lot of money and the disappointment for your ds, but the 10 year old child isn't the cause of this.

reni2 · 22/11/2015 20:52

Well, with the new information it looks different. Unless you sat down with her and her mum saying we want to go at x dates, you appreciate that covers mum's birthday and the school play? If she then said yes, fine, be a bit miffed. If you didn't point that out, it is mean, you and dh knew these dates, 10 yo won't have clicked.

mintoil · 22/11/2015 20:53

Bloody hell just read it was her mums birthday!! I cannot imagine there are many 10 year old kids who would want to miss school for two weeks and miss their mums birthday - why on earth did DH book this?

SuperFlyHigh · 22/11/2015 20:55

This reply has been deleted

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maybebabybee · 22/11/2015 20:57

Can't believe your DH thought it was OK for him to take her away on her mother's birthday! That is really mean!

Original poster
Cloudybutwarm · 22/11/2015 20:58

The holiday dates were dictated by the time Dh could get off work and the fact we wanted to go when the Christmas decorations were up.

The birthday is a non issue. After we spoke to dsd about not being able to change the dates (as it would have meant going in September and not being there for the Christmas stuff) she was fine with it, as was her mum.

liney they were only together for maybe 8 months or so. Bm is remarried and her eldest calls her husband dad. They've been on holiday twice this year (uk holidays)

OP posts:
Original poster
Cloudybutwarm · 22/11/2015 21:01

Dsd was fully aware of the dates thank you.

inickedaname nothing was booked until mum had agreed.

The other thread I posted covered the birthday issue and the reason why we needed to go then in more detail and it was generally agreed we were not being unreasonable to go on those dates despite it falling on her mums birthday.

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 22/11/2015 21:02

OP sorry but I don't believe you re the birthday being a non issue. Maybe you didn't spell it out to her but most girls her age wouldn't want to be away for their DM's birthday Disney holiday or not!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/11/2015 21:03

"run that's not exactly how it happened! Nothing was actually booked until it was all agreed."

But, if I have understood correctly, your dh didn't consult his ex until after he had told his dd about the holiday - so if his ex had said 'no', she would have been the bad guy?

Does he now realise that that was the wrong way to go about this? Does he see where he could do things differently another time? Will he do things differently another time?

Ie. consulting his ex about any plans before talking to his dd? "Avoiding school time"?

Original poster
Cloudybutwarm · 22/11/2015 21:04

Well you will just have to trust me on that one then. If she wanted to stay for her mums birthday she had the option to do so as obviously nothing had been booked at that point.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cloudybutwarm · 22/11/2015 21:06

Yes SDT that is also correct. He spoke to dsd about it first and he is an idiot for doing so. I am sure that is not a mistake he will make again (or irrelevant as we probably won't be taking her away again!)

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 22/11/2015 21:09

You do realise OP (and I've been one myself) that being a DSD you often try to please everyone, all of the time?

She may not also (part of being a 10 year old) have properly thought through when/where etc this holiday entails and just said yes to please her DF. Is it really her fault if her DM is putting pressure on her etc?

Like I said before if you really do want her to come the best way is kindness, understanding, talking to her about it, not just a "well you're coming and that's that" or "you're not coming I'm really upset with you, look who youve spoiled it for, money wasted etc".

She really still is 10 not older than that and trust me I know kids that age and older who don't fully realise/understand etc.

maybebabybee · 22/11/2015 21:11

Yeah you didn't exactly offer her a choice on dates, did you? Just told her that was the way it had to me.

You still wouldnt catch me going on holiday during my mum's birthday and I'm 26.

SuperFlyHigh · 22/11/2015 21:12

Again OP you're blaming your DSD when it's your DSD you shouldn't be blaming.

Like I said you COULD just could salvage this if you met up with her beforehand. Would that not be worth a try rather than your "oh so the little madam isn't coming, ungrateful etc, she won't come NEXT time" etc..

You really really are setting yourself up into evil DSM mode here.

Hairyfairybumscary · 22/11/2015 21:12

I think everyone saying that she wouldn't want to miss her mums birthday are being a bit precious to be honest.

I feel for the girl because her DM
could well be stirring it, she's being bullied and school and is probably feeling pretty vulnerable right now.

Is it possible that she's got wind of these awful terror attacks esp regarding them downing planes etc?

I really wouldn't be too down on her but I feel your disappointment! Maybe try and communicate more clearly next time and iron out any issues that may arise.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 22/11/2015 21:14

I'm not surprised your DSD mum didn't make more of an issue of your DSD missing school at the time - I'm sure she (like you) predicted her DD would change her mind, with or without some gentle pursuasion.

I think your DP is suffering the consequences of his choices, tbh - he was at best clumsy, and at worst manipulative, and it's backfired.

I think your DSD mum can be criticised for 'banning' DSD from going on future holidays with her Dad, but other than that, I think you and she are probably on the same page in as much as you both predicted this would happen but couldn't stop your DP from blundering into this situation.

Hairyfairybumscary · 22/11/2015 21:15

super being a DSM you try to please everyone all of the time and get a bad rep for it no matter what!!

I'm a SD and a SM so I've been at both ends of the spectrum! My SM hated me and turned my whole family against me, they still don't speak to me now years down the line. Being a SM is still so much harder than being a SD! Mark my words!

TheHouseOnTheLane · 22/11/2015 21:15

I have a clingly 11 year old DD and I wouldn't make her go. I would feel bad about the money but at this age it's important that they get to make big decisions and stand by them.

In your shoes I would simply sympathise and tell her you will bring her something wonderful back and that maybe next time she can come if she's ready.