To think that actually dsd should know the consequences of her decision?

[Cloudybutwarm]

Yes I'm braving aibu for a step related issue....

Dsd is 10.5.

On Saturday, as in 6 days time, we are due to be flying to Florida, her, me, Dh and our two boys, 4 and 1. This was booked and paid for months ago.

Yesterday we had a text from her mum to say that dsd has decided she doesn't want to come as she doesn't want to be away from her mum for so long. In the run up to the holiday she has said a few times she was going to really miss her mum, but she is spent far more time talking about how much she's looking forward to it. We have an ongoing thing with her not liking to be away from her mum so Dh had a few conversations with her about it before we booked and she was adamant she'd be fine.

We have taken her on holiday before, and yes she missed her mum and there was the odd tear but overall she was fine and loved the holiday.

So now with less than a week to go we are probably £1k down, have a heartbroken 4 year old who idolises his big sister and doesn't understand why she won't be coming any more and of course a completely gutted Dh.

There is obviously no point in insisting that she comes as that would probably end up making for a miserable holiday for everyone.

Her mum said to Dh please don't be angry with her, she's really upset. Dh is torn between being angry and feeling that he shouldn't be angry with her. I personally think that 10 is obviously a tricky age as she's still a child and yet not a young child.... And therefore I do think that while it's not like we need to be cross and shouty she does need to understand what she's done, that it's cost us a lot of money and that both her dad and brother are very upset. I think she is certainly old enough to be made to see there are consequences for makings decisions like this right at the last moment.

So as not to drip feed, it came to light last week that she's been experiencing some low level bullying at school which has obviously been upsetting her, I must admit that I struggle to see that she wouldn't then prefer to go to Disney for two weeks rather than be in school but there we go....

So basically aibu to think that in these circumstances actually it's ok to be a bit angry and to spell out to dsd the consequences of her actions?

Mintyy I can see that time out of school is obviously a big thing to you, and whilst I do agree that it is not good, plenty of people still do it! Dsd's best friend has 1-2 weeks out a year.

keep, I think parents have to judge each issue on its merits, when deciding whether to let their dc have the final say. It is obviously harder in blended families where the parents may not parent in exactly the same way.

grabby that's not true at all. Dh adores dsd, holidays are a big deal to him and of course he wanted her to come.

He spends half his life trying to work around what it is that dsd wants to do. He's really struggled with the situation at times but he loves her and does his best.

WyrdByrd said exactly what I wanted too, only much more concisely here- 'She must be feeling really awful if she's worried enough to turn down a fortnight in Disneyland!'

Please don't hold this as a massive grudge against her for ages. I worry that her Dad may though? I hope you all find happiness, but I guess not through the medium of the forthcoming holiday!

Try to all have a happy Christmas after it though.

And just to add we have no intention of trying to force or persuade her to come.

So Mum said no to going during term time.
You said no to going during term.
Dh booked term time anyway?

Sounds like he did what he wanted and because he already made dd excited, you and mum are the bad guys if you said no. Sounds like emotional blackmail and given that the holiday is going ahead on the dates dh wanted then it's a big clue as to who's feelings matter the most, it's not yours, it's not mums and probably isn't dds.

I know I might be reading too much into it, but if two grown women haven't been able to say no to him and have him respect it then I wouldn't be suprised if dd felt she couldn't either.

The term time thing might not be the issue for dd, but dh totally ignoring you and mum doesn't sound good. Has he done this in other areas?

Sorry if this has been mentioned, thread moves fast.

I don't get all this hatred for dad i read it as he obviously knew dd was going to be difficult so he just booked it Hoping that the pull of Disneyland would be enough for a 10 yr old, I don't think it's fair, or useful for OP to call her Dh manipulative or an uncaring dad

And if it's anything to do with that then her mum should have put her foot down at the start. And yes I do also agree that Dh was wrong to go ahead and tell dsd about it before it was agreed with her mum.I don't myself think that it's part of the current issue though

and what would 'putting her foot down' have achieved? the damage was done? And the Law is very clear that a parent can act unilaterally on these issues. It is highly likely a court would have approved the holiday if it came down to it because the party line seems to be that it is unreasonable to say no to a holiday.

There is a lot going on here:

• a holiday promised and agreed without reference to mum in the first instance
• the possibility of fines which mum (at 4 hours distance) is the one who will be bearing the brunt of the school's frustration at this. It is more than likely that mum and/or DSD's teacher have said stuff that is upsetting.
• the likelihood that DSD will have just started preparing for Xmas in school and realises she will be missing out on stuff
• insecurity over what might or might not happen from a bullying perspective if removed for 2 weeks
• insecurity over world security at the moment (however unlikely it is that she would be caught up in an attack)
• genuine desire to see mum every day
• mum who may have accidentally (or indeed, on purpose) scuppered the holiday through things that have been said or done in recent months/weeks/days.

To be pissed off with a 10 year old for just deciding it's not worth it is...well, unreasonable.

There's no way I'd make dsd go. In all likelihood you will have a genuinely anxious child for two weeks which would be awful for her and also for everyone else. You could end up in effect wasting all the money you'd paid for the holiday as nobody might enjoy it.

She might regret not going when she knows how much fun she could have had but that's irrelevant really. What's important is that dsd knows she was included and wanted as part of this family holiday.

It's her choice not to go and hard though it may be, I think your DH should respect this and then just enjoy his holiday with the rest of the family (try not to think of the money, it's gone now anyway).

I also don't think her mum is ramping things up - probably just trying to support dsd as best she can.

Go, enjoy yourselves, and bring dsd back a nice present.

Thanks button that's how I see it really. I think Dh has good intentions, he just doesn't always go about them in the right way!

inickedaname the dates we're going are the original dates we both agreed on, dsd wanted them changed because it falls over her mums birthday but I put my foot down and said no, and we are still going on those same dates.

Dh only booked the holiday after dsds mum agreed she could go, it's just that he'd already told dsd about it which meant obviously it was much harder for mum to say no.

Why was she given a choice? If she hadn't been given a choice then she wouldn't be feeling any guilt.

I think she is more than old enough to spend 2 weeks abroad with anyone, particularly her dad and you who she has know for as long as she can remember. For FFS I went to boarding school at 7 and enjoyed it. My DP went at 3. My mum died (and his was sick) and there just anyone available for day to day midweek care. No one asked my opinion, why the fuck would they? Kids of divorced parents where I live spend a month at a time with alternative parents during the summer holidays, as young as 2. Not fun everyday, but not actually damaging despite what you might want to think.

My DC and SDC are just not given these kind of choices, they just come with us or with the other parents, and enjoy it. They go on 8 day school and club trips too. They are not given a choice about this, particularly after they agreement stage.

I'm afraid in your shoes I would be furious. This seems so incredibly divisive of the mother too, "we have decided that she shouldn't go on any future trips" - why does she get to make that choice?

I would have DH explain the consequences on this occasion without anger. She has let people down and that is not ok. Either you say no from the get go, or you do as you have promised. I would also say no Christmas presents because the moneys been spent (but then I would regret saying it).

I would also explain that this is a once in a lifetime trip, and that in life we tend to regret the things we didn't do and not the things we do.

I also would generally be stopping the facetiming, its just making it harder for everyone. I have 90 students a year going abroad for 2 - 4 months at a time, and the ones that have the hardest time are the ones with the bloody parents who call, text and facetime all the time. And as soon as the kids stop "needing" them all the time, they then rock up for a visit and upset the poor kid again. This is not about the childs needs its about the parents.

Apologies this kind of thing rather pisses me off.

Sorry, just read you have no intention of making dsd go - the thread is moving quickly!

That's a real shame and a waste. I do feel sad for you and can see why you are upset. It's a lot of money. I feel sad for her dad too, but it's good that he isn't pressuring her into going.

I totally see why a ten year old who is still very attached to her mum might be struggling to leave for America with the other half of her family who she sees much less. Maybe Mickey Mouse just isn't enough to make her not feel very scared and homesick. I remember being that age and staying with my best friend for a week. It felt like an eternity and despite knowing family very well etc, I couldn't wait to be home. I knew you are family, but she will probably feel a bit alienated given she spends (I assume) much more time at her mum's.

Personally I wouldn't push it. I am sure she hasn't made this decision lightly. Just let her make her mind up as late as possible just in case she has second thoughts and that you love her either way. This could be pivotal in her and her dad's relationship for better or worse, so tread carefully.

Do you think she is hoping that her dad will try to talk her into it? Just so she can be satisfied in her own mind that she is really wanted on the trip?

And wow wallywobbles, totally in contrast to my advice but interesting perspective. Maybe being away at boarding school is a bit more like 'normal' though after a while? It's almost harder when you are so used to being attached to mum and not having to be away. I agree if she felt any level of choice, it will have been harder for her too by the way. I must say my mum and dad would have not let me have a say in a decision like this, nor would my children. Harder thou if my and dad aren't on the same page with that.

wally the mum gets to make those decisions because she is the resident parent. She probably wants to prevent her dd from feeling the pressure of being caught in the middle, so is taking this issue 'off the table'. She probably isnt doing it to hurt the OPs dh.

Listening to children is important. Allowing them to have some autonomy over their own lives is important.

*wasn't

lambbone no I definitely don't think that

wally both I and Dh do think that dsds mum doesn't necessarily help with this. Last time we all went away they were face timing multiple times a day and her mum was forever telling her how much she missed her, asking if dsd was missing her, telling her to FaceTime again soon (ie in a few hours!) Dh has to ask her to back off in the end as dsd was far happier and more relaxed when she want constantly speaking to her mum!

Mum has also said in the past that she didn't like us taking dsd away for big holidays as it want fair on her elder son (not dhs!)

Wallywobbles I think your experiences make you lack some empathy for children who don't have to be sent away at a young age. My dd is six and the thought of her being in boarding school is horrible. She would be distraught.

For FFS I went to boarding school at 7 and enjoyed it. My DP went at 3.

I was desperate to go to boarding school as a kid and both DH and I were off doing residential trips from 7/8 for a week or so quite happily. Unfortunately our DD has not inherited those genes from us, which is incredibly frustrating at time and really worries me as I don't want her to miss out on opportunities because of her anxiety, but...

...we respect that although she is 'just' a child, she is also a human being in her own right and as such entitled to her feelings. That doesn't mean 'pandering' but understanding and working with her to overcome her fears and the challenges they present.

Why did your DH book a two week holiday for his DD in term time over her mum's birthday then tell DD before even asking her mum?

That sounds like going out of his way to be a cock.

No wonder she'd rather be with her DM. Maybe she sees through him. You seem to be giving an awful lot of benefit of the doubt to your DH.

I don't understand how you can force a 10 year old to go on holiday when she doesn't want to go.

You're asking for a) a miserable holiday and b) years of resentment

Never mind the fact that she's missing school and her mum's birthday.

She's 10 and clearly in a very bad place, poor child.

Poor poor girl.

Have many of the posters on here even had a ten year old daughter?

It is an extremely difficult time. A very hormonal confusing time , and I totally get why she would prefer to be with her mum. That's just the way it is.

I have had a ten year old dsd and I have a ten year dd.

She deserves compassion and you just need to accept that the next few years are going to be very difficult ones.

I think you're caught between a rock and a hard place on this one. DSD is the main who who will already bear the consequences of her decision as she'll be aware that she's missing out on something she would enjoy. I'd say that was enough of a consequence for her.

In future, maybe you could try and book a holiday and quality family time together closer to home - I think it's easier for nervous kids (and nervous mothers) if you're not overseas so a UK holiday rental or Centreparks type thing might be a safer bet. Plus you'd feel less frustrated if you hadn't spent so much money on her specifically. Book somewhere where she'd be sharing a room with her brothers too if there's a chance she'll pull out, then very little money wasted.

And there is no way my 10 yr old would want to be out of school 2 weeks - she would be highly anxious of how much she was missing - you are yet to understand and experience the pressures and expectations of junior school these days.