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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not hosting xmas

170 replies

Winterqueen · 22/11/2015 16:30

We hosted DH family last year for a Christmas meal and day (not actual 25th). At the time we had a new baby plus our 2 older children and I did all leaning tidying up after etc etc DH did cooking ( disasterious meal) and I took the children on 3 walks alone during day to burn off energy and avoid bad behavior (4& 6 year old boys). Nobody in DH family did a thing!
This year SIL has decided her flat is too small to host thus she will do fooling at our house instead. The thing is I am working this year and the only day they can do is one when I am working that night having also worked the night before last (only 1 night off between shifts I am a nurse) I am breastfeeding my one year old and am currently on my knees exhausted. It will mean going to work without sleep yet again, baby waking early and wanting me all the time. I will some how also have to clean and tidy house after a night shift the day before. We do not have a cleaner and with 3 children and a husband it gets messy in hours.
I am not close to DH family and find them very hard work and stressful, so I can't just be relaxed with them.
So AIBU in my exhausted state to find the idea of this family Xmas day some form of hell? Yes probably 😥

OP posts:

Wineandrosesagain · 23/11/2015 16:59

Time for you to communicate directly with MIL/SIL if your DH won't. Maybe they'll decide not to see you over Christmas at all (bliss ).

AcrossthePond55 · 23/11/2015 17:02

I think then you'll have to deal with the situation 'as is'. If you know for a fact that, no matter what, DH isn't going to have words with his mother and you know for a fact that you are better off not doing so yourself, then you are left with the only alternative being making your own plans to absent yourself. And it sounds as if you've already done so.

But, this won't solve next year. Nor the year after that, nor the year after that. But again, it's your decision as to whether or not you want to live with your MiL riding rough shod over your wishes and your DH's not reining her in. And I'm sure if you look at the 'big picture' it probably isn't just at Christmas that this happens.

Petal has a point….what would happen if you spoke to MiL directly? Or is there a possibility of email or text?

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 23/11/2015 17:29

I dont think it will happen again. DH has no idea the lenghts I go to when we have visitors. Shopping, money spent, all tastes catered for any soy sauce?
Then the cleaning, etc and this is for people I like! OP clearly dislike her MIL!!
Let her get on with it, and let DH deal with her comments.

rookiemere · 23/11/2015 17:32

I do feel for you, you're in a difficult position.

So go to your DM's with your baby, get some sleep and enjoy a peaceful Christmas.
Tell DH - not your SIL, not your MIL - that your house needs to be cleaned up before you return. If you come back after your second night shift after christmas and the house is a tip because people haven't tidied up after Christmas, you will take the boys and go to your DMs until it is clean again. It's up to your DH to facilitate how that cleaning and tidying up happening.

Original poster

Winterqueen · 23/11/2015 17:47

Why not confront MIL? I have stood up to her in the past over some truly awful things she tried to do and did. I'm no walk over I stood firm and it got very very nasty. Her screaming outside our London flat at all hours demanding I apologize for my behavior ( reason we moved away from the london). I called the police in the end for which I have never been forgiven. She now avoids me and we don't directly communicate. I am probably the only person to ever turn round and say no to her! It's polite and distant at the best now. I will not engage in arguments with her as she is not stable, perhaps the reason why DH is not being firmer. She go's to his work place to tell him off when she is in a state. He still works in London. This is why it's not me phoning mil up to say sorry can't do that date. I agree I will just go to my mums and come back at bedtime to put the baby down and get ready for work. Another black mark against me ☹

OP posts:

Inertia · 23/11/2015 17:54

Bloody hell, I don't know why he wants to have anything to do with any of them! I wouldn't want someone like that in my house whether I was there or not.

Your husband is behaving pretty shabbily here, even if you don't think he's doing it maliciously. He won't /can't stand up to his mother, so he is using you as the sacrificial lamb in this situation.

JeffreySadsacIsUnwell · 23/11/2015 17:55

I wouldn't take the 'essentials', OP. That's a bit too obvious and looks petty, IMO.

Much better to have a bit of a pre-Christmas clearout this weekend and reshuffle so that things are merely in a better place than before... which may or may not take a while to find, but surely that's why we all start the preparations for hosting Christmas several days in advance, making sure we have the right dishes, that knives are sharp, that there's enough kitchen roll to last... It would be awful if, e.g., we were ready to pour the gravy into the gravy boat and then spent half an hour looking for it to no avail. Or that turkey baster which used to live in the kitchen drawer is located after two hours in a plastic box on top of the cupboards... Or the 'spare' cutlery (I.e. Cutlery only required if more than four adults are present - think your MIL, FIL, BIL and SIL would all be joining your DH??) has been cleared out of the cutlery drawer for efficiency. If MIL particularly likes candles or something, make sure the candles are easily found but the candleholders are missing. Nuts visible, nutcracker relocated.

I'm sure the remote control would need tidying away just before you left too!

rookiemere · 23/11/2015 18:08

Yes but if OP stands up to the MIl then her DH doesn't have to, and ultimately one day he has to choose who he's going to make happy.

By removing herself from the situation OP refuses to put herself in the middle any more and hopefully forces DH to see how ridiculous his DM and Dsis are being.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/11/2015 18:26

Op, you have a dh problem here, it is something that needs to be addressed. He cannot let his mother treat yiu like that, he cannot allow it. This unfortunately cause a rude in your marriage. He has to be given a choice, either he has his wife's back, or not! If not, it will speak volumes and would be a massive dealbreaker in the marriage.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/11/2015 18:26

Rift not rude, doh.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/11/2015 18:41

Do you think it's at all possible that MiL is insisting on this because she knows you'll absent yourself rather than deal with her? Could it be her way to have what she considers 'her' family and 'her' family only around her at Christmas?

God, she sounds a real nightmare. You'd think DH would want to be rid of her in his life and I don't blame you for one instant for not wanting to call her. Why subject yourself to that abuse?

clam · 23/11/2015 19:30

I was just coming on to post what AcrossthePond has. You're making it very easy for her - she gets to have her perfect Christmas, in your house, but, YAY, with you out of the way! She wins. I'm not sure I could let her get away with that.

tomatotoad · 23/11/2015 19:40

Can the baby sleep at your mum's house? You can put her down there and then go to work.
I think MIL would hate it if you sat about in your pj's with a glass of wine ignoring SIL and the preparations.
She would probably do her best to wake you up though so that wouldn't work.

RandomMess · 23/11/2015 19:41

I think you make DH say no and suggest if that is the only day they can all do then they have at SILs without you all so they will fit.

If they want DH included then they will have to compromise on the date.

DH is giving your MIL 2 options then - her decision as to which she wants.

SolidGoldBrass · 24/11/2015 17:06

I'm actually starting to feel a bit sorry for your H. From what you have posted, his mother is a truly vile, abusive bully, and the children of people like her really do struggle to stand up to them. (Initially I thought this was the more usual case of a lazy man-child putting his mum before his wife because domestic stuff is all women's work anyway and it doesn't make much difference to him...)
Hopefully one day he will get the strength to tell her to fuck right off, but it may take a while. In the meantime, your best option really is just to take the baby and go to your mum's. If you're stuck with a bully and don't have enough back up to confront the bully (because you know your H will be frightened enough to cave in once she starts yelling) the best thing to do is avoid her.
But maybe try to gently steer your H towards some sort of counselling/therapy to break her hold over him? Otherwise, his passivity and fear of her, however understandable, will eventually poision your marriage.

HortonWho · 24/11/2015 17:15

Agree with solid... To have needed to call the police... And she'd have no qualms doing this to her son at his place of work? Bloody hell, poor man.

SwedeDreams · 25/11/2015 08:43

My partner works night shifts, and between nights I wouldn't agree to host. He has to be able to function at work, it wouldn't be fair.

I think your husband needs to find a compromise (different date/venue) or you agree to stay elsewhere and sleep and he sorts any mess. I wouldn't personally hide stuff as that just seems unnecessary.

Good luck op, night shifts over Christmas suck

RideEmCowgirl · 26/11/2015 08:05

OP - how are thing's currently?

Petal02 · 26/11/2015 10:23

Can we have an update OP?

Anotherusername1 · 26/11/2015 13:01

His family are not medical and quite simply do not have a clue.

I am not medical but I have enough common sense to realise that a nurse needs her sleep and needs to be on top of her game when looking after patients.

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