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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not hosting xmas

170 replies

Winterqueen · 22/11/2015 16:30

We hosted DH family last year for a Christmas meal and day (not actual 25th). At the time we had a new baby plus our 2 older children and I did all leaning tidying up after etc etc DH did cooking ( disasterious meal) and I took the children on 3 walks alone during day to burn off energy and avoid bad behavior (4& 6 year old boys). Nobody in DH family did a thing!
This year SIL has decided her flat is too small to host thus she will do fooling at our house instead. The thing is I am working this year and the only day they can do is one when I am working that night having also worked the night before last (only 1 night off between shifts I am a nurse) I am breastfeeding my one year old and am currently on my knees exhausted. It will mean going to work without sleep yet again, baby waking early and wanting me all the time. I will some how also have to clean and tidy house after a night shift the day before. We do not have a cleaner and with 3 children and a husband it gets messy in hours.
I am not close to DH family and find them very hard work and stressful, so I can't just be relaxed with them.
So AIBU in my exhausted state to find the idea of this family Xmas day some form of hell? Yes probably 😥

OP posts:
Original poster
Winterqueen · 22/11/2015 20:06

DH does not even register the cleaning, he says it's not nescessary. We have small boys who miss the toilet so I like to always clean when we have visitors, maybe I am OTT?? I guess I will skip cleaning before the visit 😳 But feel it reflects badly on me if house dirty. No problems going to my mums we are there Xmas day and despite working Xmas night I know I will get a sleep and have a very rested day. She will happily let me sleep whilst she plays with DD. I hate being seen as rude but this time I simply have no choice but to walk out. I find it so rude they chose to live in a small flat in London we chose to move out to afford a decent size house for our family then they use our house??? We also get the mess and they keep the flat perfect over Xmas ! SIL is a sahm for 1 baby she actually has time to clean!! I am a working mum of 3 I don't have time to pee let alone present the perfect Christmas house for her to play Christmas host in arrrr. Thanks for people commenting at least I know I am not the complete bitch I am being painted as.

OP posts:
reni2 · 22/11/2015 20:09

Don't do any prep, either. He needs to order the turkey, the booze and all the rest. Stay at your mums. This will be the one and only time if he does it.

reni2 · 22/11/2015 20:12

Do only the housework you would have done without visitors, you planned no party you don't prepare the house for a party. Make sure he knows he needs to clean after.

mintoil · 22/11/2015 20:12

yes that's right - DH is doing Christmas - isn't that great? You can just concentrate on work and leave him to sort it all Grin

keeprunninguphill · 22/11/2015 20:14

don't insult his parents. Ever. No matter how awful they are. Bite your lip. You wouldn't like it if your DP insulted your parents.

Original poster
Winterqueen · 22/11/2015 20:14

Apparently sil will bring and cook food. I damn well hope so as we did it last year! DH made a complete mess of the dinner last year and served them undercooked partridge 😂 Served him right for showing off! (I'm vegetarian 😉)

OP posts:
Mumoftwoyoungkids · 22/11/2015 20:14

does not even register the cleaning, he says it's not nescessary. We have small boys who miss the toilet so I like to always clean when we have visitors, maybe I am OTT?? I guess I will skip cleaning before the visit 😳 But feel it reflects badly on me if house dirty.

Excellent. We can take mumsnet bets on who will be the first to stand in a big puddle of wee!

Who cares if it reflects badly on you - you don't seem to like each other anyway!

Bunbaker · 22/11/2015 20:14

What don't they understand about the fact that you are working and you cannot host them?

I agree that you should just take your baby and go to your mum's. Tell your husband that if he hasn't got the balls to stand up to his family he deals with it all by himself - shopping, cleaning, prep, cooking and clearing up, without any input from you.

You do such a worthwhile job that your sleep should not be compromised.

HazelOrBigwig · 22/11/2015 20:15

OP Please, for the love of all that is Merry, Christmassy and Bright, listen to expatinscotland and take her excellent, clear and sensible advice.

expatinscotland · 22/11/2015 20:16

'But feel it reflects badly on me if house dirty. No problems going to my mums we are there Xmas day and despite working Xmas night I know I will get a sleep and have a very rested day. She will happily let me sleep whilst she plays with DD. I hate being seen as rude but this time I simply have no choice but to walk out.'

Get rid of that idea right now. And he needs to be told he has to clean up the kitchen or you'll throw out all the shit and get new stuff. And then do it. Can't abide lazy people like this, tbh. Tell him you are off to your mother's as you need to sleep. And then you do nothing. No shopping, no prep, no cleaning. And I'd go fucking ape at your SIL. She cleans up after herself.

Strokethefurrywall · 22/11/2015 20:19

SIL can bring and cook all the food and can damn well clean the place up afterwards! Do NOT lift a finger.

RandomMess · 22/11/2015 20:20

Well cleaning is all part of doing Christmas at your house - surely SIL can turn up super early and do that too????

Just tell DH you'll be going to your Mum's so you can sleep and then do it , no PA, no anything just do it and leave them all to it 100%

eddielizzard · 22/11/2015 20:20

no no no and no. who in their right mind thinks this is ok??? who invites themselves to use someone else's house, and clearly on sufferance?!?!

if this really is going ahead you absolutely must not lift a finger.

HazelOrBigwig · 22/11/2015 20:22

Also, the fact that your DH is obviously not willing to share the housework, this would put me off him so, so much. It's not about him 'not registering' or feeling that cleaning is 'unnecessary'; it's about a fully grown adult, sharing your house, and not pulling their weight at all. It's about selfishness on his part. Sorry to be blunt.

Does this not piss you off in a big way? Sad

I think he needs to step up to the plate and actually do some housework, in the house he lives in, as a partner, as a dad. Because that's the decent thing.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 22/11/2015 20:28

Let them see the mess, nobody knows what I do, until I dont do it springs to mind.
You`d want to see my house when I go on strike (three kids, work, but not nights) and DH helps to some degree.

pluck · 22/11/2015 20:51

If you've left far enough in advance, he could be responsible for a buildup of days' worth of grime, urine and clutter! Take some before and after pictures! First one a selfie as you are "leaving home for Christmas, pulling x shifts until x day, just crashing at Mum's." It will look homely in the background of your selfie. Then "aftermath" pics, in which you shame the pigs who have used your home instead of their own as a sty!

Hopefully the above is just a harmless AIBU fantasy, as your H mustn't let this happen!

Bodicea · 22/11/2015 21:15

I think you will still end up getting stressed out over it. And cleaning etc. You will start with good intentions to leave them to it but you will still end up doing loads. I don't think anyone can help that when people are visiting your home. Personally I think you need to put your foot down and say no you are not hosting. It isn't fair when you are working. Make it clear to your dh why. Show him this thread if needs be.

BlackeyedSusan · 22/11/2015 21:37

pack any of your special treats too so they do not get eaten.

2rebecca · 22/11/2015 21:52

Don't other parents teach their small boys to sit on the toilet to wee and press down on their penis until they can aim straight? Plenty of men sit or kneel/ crouch to wee in toilet cubicles. Pretending the toilet is a urinal is pretty gross.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/11/2015 22:18

Your 'dh' is the problem here, he is allowing this, and disrespecting your feelings and you as his wife. He sending out messages to his family, that you can be walked over. I woukd be ripping into him, and go to your mothers with no regrets. Leave him with the work, he deserves it! Don't worry about his family perceptions of you, they don't like you anyway. You do what is best for you.

Jhm9rhs · 22/11/2015 22:20

I can't believe MIL just volunteered your house!

Inertia · 22/11/2015 22:31

As usual in threads like this, your husband is a major part of the problem. A man who calls you selfish because you refuse to be ordered about in your own home by his relatives is not a caring partner. In the longer term, you may need to consider whether it's workable to remain in a marriage in which your own wellbeing, and your ability to work safely in a critical lifesaving healthcare, are trampled over.

If he insists on going ahead with this, it seems that your only option is to decamp to your mother's for the relevant time period. (You might find that she needs to borrow all of your pans,roasting tins, plates etc to cook for you,meaning that SIL/ MIL will have to bring their own so cannot leave a mess behind).

LeaLeander · 22/11/2015 22:55

OP, outraged on your behalf. Take your baby and go to your mother's.

And figs let us know how it all plays out!

And thank you for being a nurse Flowers

VioletEffingham · 22/11/2015 22:57

I'd be hiding the cinnamon and making sure there was no tinfoil.

bloodyteenagers · 22/11/2015 23:02

Short term go to your mums for the day.
Leave him to do everything. Let everyone know you won't be there because you are working.

Long term look at what you are getting out of everything. Personally if I had a partner who didn't support me. Who called me selfish for wanting to sleep as I worked nights and in charge of a high needs
Ward, he would be an ex unless he bucked up his ideas. This would involve for starters being kept up over night with no sleep during the day and not be lounging around on his arse.