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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not hosting xmas

170 replies

Winterqueen · 22/11/2015 16:30

We hosted DH family last year for a Christmas meal and day (not actual 25th). At the time we had a new baby plus our 2 older children and I did all leaning tidying up after etc etc DH did cooking ( disasterious meal) and I took the children on 3 walks alone during day to burn off energy and avoid bad behavior (4& 6 year old boys). Nobody in DH family did a thing!
This year SIL has decided her flat is too small to host thus she will do fooling at our house instead. The thing is I am working this year and the only day they can do is one when I am working that night having also worked the night before last (only 1 night off between shifts I am a nurse) I am breastfeeding my one year old and am currently on my knees exhausted. It will mean going to work without sleep yet again, baby waking early and wanting me all the time. I will some how also have to clean and tidy house after a night shift the day before. We do not have a cleaner and with 3 children and a husband it gets messy in hours.
I am not close to DH family and find them very hard work and stressful, so I can't just be relaxed with them.
So AIBU in my exhausted state to find the idea of this family Xmas day some form of hell? Yes probably 😥

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 22/11/2015 19:14

'You sit on your arse with a glass of wine all day on 27th while SIL and DH wait on you.'

They won't. So leave them to it. He leaves all the cleaning, fuck it. Do FA of it.

mamas12 · 22/11/2015 19:15

Yep it's a dh problem if he's more scared of her than your reaction
Ok so you need to sit him down and go through each step of prep for the 'royal' visit from
cleaning
meal planning
shopping,
making the beds
cooking
Cleaning up
Child entertainment bed times food etc.
Because you won't be doing it you will be expressing milk for the baby (this could just be a threat at the moment) and after your night shift you will be going straight to your sis/mums to sleep and hope they all,have a good time.
Or
Rearrange a date/venue which suits you

expatinscotland · 22/11/2015 19:17

And no prep from you. If the house is a mess, fuck it. If he says anything, shrug, 'You wanted to host them, you do it.' Just fucking leave so they cannot guilt you into doing shit, and turn off your phone.

Wolpertinger · 22/11/2015 19:17

Have you ever properly lost it with your MIL? I mean really shouting and telling her to fuck off?

Because I don't normally advocate this behaviour but this may be the only way.

Do not lift a finger to help with this event. Leave home, stay with your mum announcing how important your work is on the way out. On your return do not clear up one thing.

My ILs are forever mystified I might be working over Christmas maybe all the sick people are cured by the baby Jesus on Christmas Eve but they would not pull this shit.

RandomMess · 22/11/2015 19:18

Well DH has left you no choice, you will be off to your mum's to sleep and leaving them all to it...

mintoil · 22/11/2015 19:18

I agree with PP, you cannot even be there as you won't be able to rest or sleep. YOu will have to go to your mums.

I wouldn't run through it all with DH either, I would just let them get on with it. Actually I wouldn't as I would tell DH it wasn't happening, as I would be sure I would be coming back to an almighty mess.

expatinscotland · 22/11/2015 19:19

'Ok so you need to sit him down and go through each step of prep for the 'royal' visit from
cleaning
meal planning
shopping,
making the beds
cooking
Cleaning up
Child entertainment bed times food etc.
Because you won't be doing it you will be expressing milk for the baby (this could just be a threat at the moment) and after your night shift you will be going straight to your sis/mums to sleep and hope they all,have a good time.'

Why? He won't do it. And he's an adult, not a puppy. It's not rocket science to figure it out. He uses his brain at work, he can use it at home, too.

She said her mother will look after the baby whilst she sleeps.

Never threaten, just leave.

Littlef00t · 22/11/2015 19:22

I would honestly just not be around at all that day and leave it all up to your DH. He'll not want to do it again.

itsmeohlord · 22/11/2015 19:23

Am I missing something here? Did SIL really just announce she would be using your house to host Christmas?

Why on earth is your DH allowing this - he is the root of the problem. Why on earth is he not putting you first and telling his mother and sister to "do one".

I can't believe that the MIL/SIL think they get to dictate what goes on in your house?

HortonWho · 22/11/2015 19:27

They're dictating what's going on in son's/brother's house. OP is not a factor. Expat's idea is brilliant - you don't agree but it is also your DH's home. So he can use it to host his family and you will go to yours. But I would warn him about the fucking shitstorm of embarrassment that will be raining all over FB with pictures if they leave the house in a bigger mess than they found it.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 22/11/2015 19:29

Hang on its can't be done another time because of BIL works, but you will be actually working and this is fine < confused>

I understand the pressures of working Christmas and have done for the past few years, that's part of being front line NHS worker.

Put your foot down and until any of the in laws are on the deeds or rental agreement they don't dictate what happens in another adults home.

RideEmCowgirl · 22/11/2015 19:31

Well I really really do hope that you leave them to it to go and sleep at your Mums.

Our local General has a huge bed crisis already and it is not even classed yet as the "winter crisis".

If you are running or even the senior nurse on for ITU then knowing how ours is, you will be the most or one of the most experienced nurses on and so won't just be covering ITU but also the severely sick on HDU and the wards.

When our ITU is full the patients are ventilated down in Theatre Recovery with non-ITU trained nurse. Even more pressure.

If something happened to a relative of mine that was due to an error of an unnecessarily sleep deprived doctor or nurse, I would not rest until justice had been carried out.

You have really got to think about this. If you can afford to run on only one wage if you loose your job or the utter devastation of guilt then be a martyr and stay at home and do everything like usual. If not please think about standing up for yourself and your families future security and sort this situation out.

RideEmCowgirl · 22/11/2015 19:34

Also by staying upstairs you won't stay out of the way as you will be disturbed either by the kids, adults, DH etc or by the shear guilt that you are upstairs and they are all down stairs

TheOriginalMerylStrop · 22/11/2015 19:35

Go to your mums (sounds nice). Don't threaten, just do it.

And tell your (D) H in no uncertain terms that you Just Cannot Do It. You are working, your work is too important to piss about with no sleep, and you are happy to host them early January for a post Christmasness nice time (if you are, but not if you're not). He is being an arse for not supporting you.

pepper30 · 22/11/2015 19:35

Uhhhh so infuriating reading this - I have parents in law who are very similar to this.

Ask your DH to explain and if they don't understand then does it really matter. You have 3 young kids and working, you should not be hosting to family who are acting like guests in my opinion... Don't do it!

Manamanah · 22/11/2015 19:36

YANBU! Make no effort to make this easier for them. And as you suggest, decamp to your mum's.

mamas12 · 22/11/2015 19:37

Yes you're right expat
I only thought he may not know exactly what's in store and need it laying out for him because it's been the op as the default host before
Yes just say it's another date or you're going straight to your mums in between the two night shifts and in all probability won't even see them.

cleaty · 22/11/2015 19:37

Tell your DH if he wants this to happen, he does all the work. And then do nothing.

Katiekatiekatiekay · 22/11/2015 19:39

Yanbu

Also, how are you using those emoticons?! 😢

Maryz · 22/11/2015 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Katiekatiekatiekay · 22/11/2015 19:40

Oo 😁😜 😦
Sorry

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 22/11/2015 19:41

To be honest this would make me question my relationship.

How could a loving partner expect this.

Dh is working tonight so I have been up with our kids, taken them out and done the basic of cleaning and cooking. This has enabled him to get the best rest as possible.

The same applies when I am working weekends as dh will do the school run in order for me to have a lie in during the week.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 22/11/2015 19:42

One thing is not clear to me, does your DH actually expect you to do any of the work for the event? Was he planning to take care of it all anyway? Did he discuss that aspect with you?

BlackeyedSusan · 22/11/2015 19:47

tell him that if he wants it to happen when you are working then he will have to organise it himself and clean up. pack a bag and go to your mums house. take baby if necessary. leave the boys for him to look after. if he has not tidied up when you get back make it in his interests to tidy up. (will take some thought as to what has an impact on him without affecting the children.)

I can not see how this marriage is going to last if he is putting his family first. it wil be eroded gradually. marriage has to be worked at by both parties. he does not seem to be working at it, or putting you first, nor considering your needs. it all builds up to a decline in the relationship.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 22/11/2015 19:52

Hide the baking trays and cutlery ... then strike. I think your DH has to experience the work to appreciate it.

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