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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not hosting xmas

170 replies

Winterqueen · 22/11/2015 16:30

We hosted DH family last year for a Christmas meal and day (not actual 25th). At the time we had a new baby plus our 2 older children and I did all leaning tidying up after etc etc DH did cooking ( disasterious meal) and I took the children on 3 walks alone during day to burn off energy and avoid bad behavior (4& 6 year old boys). Nobody in DH family did a thing!
This year SIL has decided her flat is too small to host thus she will do fooling at our house instead. The thing is I am working this year and the only day they can do is one when I am working that night having also worked the night before last (only 1 night off between shifts I am a nurse) I am breastfeeding my one year old and am currently on my knees exhausted. It will mean going to work without sleep yet again, baby waking early and wanting me all the time. I will some how also have to clean and tidy house after a night shift the day before. We do not have a cleaner and with 3 children and a husband it gets messy in hours.
I am not close to DH family and find them very hard work and stressful, so I can't just be relaxed with them.
So AIBU in my exhausted state to find the idea of this family Xmas day some form of hell? Yes probably 😥

OP posts:
CFSsucks · 22/11/2015 23:07

No one would be telling me they are using my home. I'd laugh at them straight away and say "good one, you almost had me there". They are rude so be rude back. Tell them it's your home, not theirs and they aren't coming end of. Clearly your spineless DH won't do it so you are free to do it on his behalf. 😊

LeaLeander · 22/11/2015 23:22

Remove or hide all booze too. Let your husband deal with the day stone cold sober. Grin

VioletEffingham · 22/11/2015 23:27

Yep. No beer, mixers, orange juice, fizzy water. If SIL wants to host in your house she needs to remember to bring all that.

timeisnotaline · 23/11/2015 00:15

Op I agree totally with everyone - you CANNOT be in your house. You need to forget all housework a good day or two beforehand. Also , it's midnight and your dh is probably working tomorrow- isn't it time to wake him up? There must be something that needs doing in the house and now sounds perfect! I'm not kidding, I would do this. He would be absolutely furious but I wouldn't care. I would point out that selfish is apparently the word for people in my marriage who need sleep. (I would also move the most useful pans to my mums with a preagreed reason for why she wanted to borrow them - wouldn't have thought of it myself but great idea)

RideEmCowgirl · 23/11/2015 06:46

OP - what are you going to do?

Ememem84 · 23/11/2015 07:08

Get yourself some nice Christmas snacks and hole up in bed resting/napping while they're faffing downstairs.

Or if you can afford it book yourself a hotel room for the day before you go to work.

Either way having someone demand they use your house is not on.

Mistigri · 23/11/2015 07:21

If people won't respect your right to say no, then you need to arrange to be out of the house the night before and the whole of that day - with your mum or a friend or in a hotel if you can afford it.

While your DH and his family are being unreasonable, you have to take responsibility for yourself - stop letting them walk all over you, draw some hard lines, be assertive.

YouTheCat · 23/11/2015 07:34

Get rid of the husband. That will immediately solve the problem.

Seriously though, if he is insistent (and it's his home too tbf), then do no cleaning and bugger off to your mam's.

If you come back to a mess, put everything in black bags and put the lot in his car.

MythicalKings · 23/11/2015 07:38

It's not too late to just say no and take the flack.

Really, OP, your DH and his awful family have shown they have little respect for you or your feelings. It couldn't get any worse.

They have a month to sort something else out.

tibbawyrots · 23/11/2015 08:06

Go to your mums. Your job is too important to risk. switching the heating off, removing kitchen pans and making sure there were No loo rolls etc might be a step too far but that's up to you 🤓

BathtimeFunkster · 23/11/2015 08:14

Get yourself a proper husband for Christmas.

The one you have now is seriously and dangerously defective.

JumpingJack56 · 23/11/2015 09:11

Take dh out of the equation and message mil and sil direct saying 'dh has told me your plans of hosting Xmas here on X date, unfortunately it doesn't work for me because of working nights that week so you will need to find another venue. Dh should have checked first before agreeing'.

Then once you've done that tell your husband that if he ever puts his birth family over you, your children, your health and your work (which btw supports your family so by default he should be supporting you!) first again he will be out on his ear. That you live and pay for the home as much as him and that any visitors and certainly any events should be agreed between the two of you only as wel as working for the two of you. And as for calling you selfish, unchristmasy etc he wants to take a long hard look in the mirror at the man who is prepared to be that bloody selfish he will send his wife to work a night shift on no sleep just so that he can appear the big man with his family. That this is the same man who happily accepts to host this thing but will leave it to his wife who has worked a night shift and will be working another that night to run around cleaning and looking after everyone just so that his family think how how great he is. So if he doesn't like it he is more than welcome to pack a bag and stay with his family for Christmas and beyond'.

Bunbaker · 23/11/2015 09:16

Well said JumpingJack56

reni2 · 23/11/2015 10:08

JumpingJack nailed it.

OurBlanche · 23/11/2015 10:14

Oh! I normally advise telling any family member to get lost at Christmas but OPs DH is getting a really hard time here. I sort of agree with him... only OP is working and she can go to her mum's. So what is the rest of her family supposed to do while she works and sleeps? Are they supposed to put Christmas on complete hold?

If her DH wants his extended family to have Christmas in his house why can't he? Why is he being so unreasonable to have thought about his sisters suggestion in the first place? It may not be all that much fun having Christmas trying to be quiet cos mummy is sleeping.

OP - just go to your mum's and sleep, let DH and the kids get on with it.

expatinscotland · 23/11/2015 10:18

'but OPs DH is getting a really hard time here. I sort of agree with him... only OP is working and she can go to her mum's. So what is the rest of her family supposed to do while she works and sleeps? Are they supposed to put Christmas on complete hold?'

Have you not read the thread? Because he does FA. He cleans nothing. He doesn't 'register' housework.

yorkshapudding · 23/11/2015 10:44

OP's DH is getting a hard time because he is a selfish man-child who is too terrified of his Mummy to stand up for his wife. He allows his family to treat his wife like shit for the sake of an easy life and manipulates the situation by making out that she is the unreasonable one when she has the audacity to ask that he consider her feelings. It's hard enough working nights in a hospital over Christmas when most people are relaxing with family or out celebrating. Having to come back to a house full of people who treat your home like a hotel, don't clean up after themselves and show no consideration for your feelings is the last thing you need in that situation. It's all very well saying OP can just go to her Mum's but the point is she shouldn't have to!

OP, you really shouldn't have to leave your own home because your in laws have decided to comandeer it for Christmas without even consulting you but it sounds as though being there will be difficult, stressful and potentially dangerous given the nature of your job. If your DH really won't budge then I suppose pitching up at your Mum's is the only solution but the unfairness of it all makes my blood boil on your behalf.

MythicalKings · 23/11/2015 10:45

Of course he's getting a hard time. He's being a dick.

OurBlanche · 23/11/2015 10:51

"Allows" her... or she "Allows" him?

I have read the thread... OPs perspective and even her own words, he cooks (badly), doesn't worry if the place is less than spotless and anyway, his sister can clean up.

Apart from him being less than tidy all I read was a harried woman who has to work Christmas and is martyring herself to all the home/wife work too.

My suggestion would be for her to go to her mum's and get some sleep, let them get on with it with a note - get the place clean before you leave!

Then, when she hasn't got a night shift, she can have a family Christmas on the wrong day - as she said they did last year!

All the responses so far have decided that OPs knackered perspective is a) the only one b) untainted by tiredness and general pissed offness. Maybe she is a saint, but I suspect she just needs some time out and a bit of tlc... which she won't get if she and her dh are at loggerheads!

Banging on about how her DH is a shite and should be shot at dawn isn't going to help OP find a workable solution to this!

reni2 · 23/11/2015 10:56

No, there are two grown ups here whose home this is. Unless both invite, there is no party. I would be mightily upset if dh would organise a party if I didn't want one and he would if I did.

He has to live on his own if he wants to be able do that.

OurBlanche · 23/11/2015 11:20

Whereas, if I were working and DH and the kids were not I'd be quite happy for them to have an extra Christmas with their GPs. It's their holiday too!

Different povs.

reni2 · 23/11/2015 11:22

Yes and if op had been happy, no problem. She's not though.

Petal02 · 23/11/2015 11:30

Agree with JumpingJack. Then the problem is solved!

OurBlanche · 23/11/2015 11:32

Oh! I see. I am supposed to agree with the OP! Thanks... though now I am wondering what the point of posting is, if everyone has to agree with you?

I was offering another perspective. My apologies!

reni2 · 23/11/2015 11:36

Since you don't live with her, no, OurBlanche. But her dh does live with her and should not host a party against her will.

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