AIBU not hosting xmas

[Winterqueen]

We hosted DH family last year for a Christmas meal and day (not actual 25th). At the time we had a new baby plus our 2 older children and I did all leaning tidying up after etc etc DH did cooking ( disasterious meal) and I took the children on 3 walks alone during day to burn off energy and avoid bad behavior (4& 6 year old boys). Nobody in DH family did a thing!
This year SIL has decided her flat is too small to host thus she will do fooling at our house instead. The thing is I am working this year and the only day they can do is one when I am working that night having also worked the night before last (only 1 night off between shifts I am a nurse) I am breastfeeding my one year old and am currently on my knees exhausted. It will mean going to work without sleep yet again, baby waking early and wanting me all the time. I will some how also have to clean and tidy house after a night shift the day before. We do not have a cleaner and with 3 children and a husband it gets messy in hours.
I am not close to DH family and find them very hard work and stressful, so I can't just be relaxed with them.
So AIBU in my exhausted state to find the idea of this family Xmas day some form of hell? Yes probably 😥

YANBU - Tell MIL where to get off. Actually, strike that, get DH to tell MIL where to get off.

Outrageous behaviour - I assume they have form for this?

DH will have to put you first won't he?

And so what does your DH say to his mother's 'commands'?

Because if he hasn't already called and told her no, I'd tell him that I'll be booking myself a hotel room near work for the night before AND the night of. And I'd be telling him that the house better be spotless when I get home the day after or I'll be scheduling a cleaner to come in, too.

I'm a MiL. I cannot imagine calling either my son OR my DiL and 'announcing' that I've volunteered their house for a party! And if I did have the effrontery to do such a thing, my son would pull me up short on it before my (lovely) DiL had time to draw breath to tell me herself, I assure you!

Op - what are you going to do?

'Mil has informed us that our house will be used! I assume this has come from SIL saying her flat is too small for 6 adults and 4 children (she also has a baby). Mil will not host as does not want Fil (her ex husband) in her home. Must be the 27th as Bil back at work 29th etc etc. I am so fed up of this family they apparently are also planning on seeing us pre Xmas to go to our towns Xmas market so it's not like we will not be seeing them other times and feeding them! They are in London and we are in Hampshire.'

You say NO. Even if your husband is spineless, sounds like it, you say, 'No, that doesn't work for us. Too much on then.'

"Mil has informed us that our house will be used!"
Not her house, not her call.

What has your husband said about this?

err she can fuck off! who would expect that?? yanbu and should absolutely not have to deal with this.

It's either a no. Or yes but on that date that you are working all day.
You cannot stay awake and do a night shift. If something happened it would be your fault. And no job is worth loosing because of family.

Obviously you just say no. But DH should be the one sorting and this and tbh he should have done it at the time.

Do they stay somewhere overnight or do they come for the whole day? Would it be an option to go to a resturant for a meal at lunchtime so you could be home by teatime to get to bed on time?

"Not possible I'm afraid. If anyone had have asked us we could have told you earlier "

The answer is, 'I'm working nights so no'. I work night shifts you have my sympathy, there is no way you can physically go without sleep for that length of time and not do yourself damage. Failing to see how any of this is your problem anyway.

It appears no other date works for them. Had big argument with DH I am difficult and selfish and not being Christmassy apparently. (He is more scared of his mother than of me)
I think I will either spend day upstairs ignoring them and napping or decamp to my mothers with a cheery "sorry but working tonight and need rest, cleaning things under the sink for when you are done" kind of comment on way out. I am furious about this but it's not new for this family and no I will not take risks in my job! 😡

he is more scared of his mother than of me

This is your problem OP. And it isn't about being scared is it, it's just that he would rather upset you than upset her. YOu do not have a MIL problem you have a DH problem.

Your DH is being an arse. Go to your Mum's and make sure DH knows you expect to come home to a clean house.

Yes - go somewhere else or get a hotel room.

Dangerous for anyone to try to work at night after zero sleep during the day. Oh and I wouldn't believe a word of SIL hosting at your house - you'll be drafted in for any drudge duties of which there are many on Christmas day.

No they don't want to go to a restaurant (I had suggested we do that half way). They come for the day and go normally when I start dropping hints. SIL wants to cook.

That sounds appalling, although if your husband's parents are divorced it seems odd to invite them both if they don't get on. I doubt my kids would invite my ex and I for Christmas unless we were both happy with the idea, it sounds too strained to me.
I'd be livid at someone else deciding my house was to be the venue for their Christmas dinner. At least it's not xmas day though so you can have a quiet "real" xmas and let your husband and his family do their thing whilst you visit your mother then work. I wouldn't hide upstairs I'd go out.
I don't see why you and your husband have to be involved. What about your extended family? it does seem as though MIL just sees you as a tag on to her family rather than an adult with a family of her own.
Why can't SIL just host her parents if that's what she wants to do?

This is just awful. Your DH needs to grow a pair and tell his mother that it just isn't possible. He surely realises that you will be in between night shifts? Your mother in law is a massive bitch by the sounds of it!

you have to make it more difficult for your dh to manage the day then. and make him realise his life is not going to be easier if he upsets you.

he either pulls his finger out and works with you as a team or he buggers off.

Just let them come round, say you are on nights and to be safe to go to work that night you need to take yourself off to bed (with some good ear plugs). Then let DH deal with it all.

Id say to SIL that you and her should swap houses - you need to sleep that day, so as they are all at yours, you will need to go to hers to sleep between nightshifts.

Yes mil is a bitch and yes I am a second class citizens as far as she is concerned. I was trying to miss out my mil issues in this post, but they shine through it appears. They really really don't understand what I do, I think they must believe I go to work and then snuggle up and sleep all night? I run an icu fgs!

Then I would tell them both, MIL and SIL, 'You all made a huge mess and expected me to clean it all up like a skivvy. I have to work nights and I can't be doing that. So you need to find somewhere else to go because I am NOT doing this anymore.' And if it offends your DH, fuck him. He cares more about them than you. He's a dick for leaving you to clean up. I wouldn't do it, tbh. Or take the kids out, or FA. Worst comes to worst, I'd take the baby to your mother's, go to sleep and leave them all to it.

You must do nothing to enable this event. DH does every last shred of prep (for all the days beforehand) and clean up. You sit on your arse with a glass of wine all day on 27th while SIL and DH wait on you. Sacrifice no sleep. Make DH feel the pain of failing to stand up to MIL, make sure you get any benefit to be had.

I love the idea of you fucking off to your mother's!

YANBU.
You absolutely cannot go to work in an ICU acing had no sleep.

Does your DH not understand this? Tell your MIL to go to her dd's and you will all stay put. And why does BILs work schedule take precedence over yours?