AIBU not hosting xmas

[Winterqueen]

We hosted DH family last year for a Christmas meal and day (not actual 25th). At the time we had a new baby plus our 2 older children and I did all leaning tidying up after etc etc DH did cooking ( disasterious meal) and I took the children on 3 walks alone during day to burn off energy and avoid bad behavior (4& 6 year old boys). Nobody in DH family did a thing!
This year SIL has decided her flat is too small to host thus she will do fooling at our house instead. The thing is I am working this year and the only day they can do is one when I am working that night having also worked the night before last (only 1 night off between shifts I am a nurse) I am breastfeeding my one year old and am currently on my knees exhausted. It will mean going to work without sleep yet again, baby waking early and wanting me all the time. I will some how also have to clean and tidy house after a night shift the day before. We do not have a cleaner and with 3 children and a husband it gets messy in hours.
I am not close to DH family and find them very hard work and stressful, so I can't just be relaxed with them.
So AIBU in my exhausted state to find the idea of this family Xmas day some form of hell? Yes probably 😥

Blanche the OP hasn't actually responded to you, only other posters so far, so I think your comment is a little unfair to her!

Really? OK.

a) this is AIBU and I think that, as stated, she is BU. So is he - so they both need to back off a bit
b) I have only said that OP, in her own words, is martyring herself to the wifework of Christmas, how is that harsh? She can choose not to.
c) No one here lives with OP, so that surely that logic negates everyone's opinions!

This is AIBU for god's sake. I think all the previous posters ABU in their blanket condemnation of OPs DH. That gives her nothing to think about and a lot to be aggrieved over. It will be of absolutely no help to her in finding a way to ensure she and her DH get to talk this through and come to a compromise that will work.

All she has got so far is 'he is a bastard, do what you want'. Maybe she too is being unreasonable and her DH has a point. We don't know because, as reni2 points out, we don't live with her.

Habari are we only supposed to post when invited to by the OP or responded to directly? That would make for some very, very short threads.

Well if I was working nights over Christmas, there's no way on earth I'd want a crowd (family or otherwise) descending on my house for the day, causing mess and depriving me of sleep.

Keeping someone up all night when they're working the next day would be unacceptable, so why is it any more appropriate to keep a night-worker up all day?

What OP's husband suggests is the equivalent of an all night party on a school night midweek for a 9-5 worker partner.

You go off and sleep at your mums dw, I have the jukebox out until 6am!

That is the curse of night work. Sometimes you have to make compromises so that family life and work patterns can both be accommodated.

Which why I don't think the blanket responses are all fine and dandy. That just leaves OP angry and feeling 100% justified. It is possible she is not. They both need to calm down and have a sensible grown up conversation, not OP needs to tell him to pick up his family and fuck off!

Ourblanche ... if you dont mind, ill come to you on the 27th, ill cook, if you could have a good clean up before we come, but hey, i dont do cleaning ... so.you can do that after a full on night shift ... OH and ill bring the in-laws!! .. and BIL as iys the inly day he can do ... dont worry you get all the crud, and we`ll have a nice time without you. X

Well, you could, but as I hinted in my first post, I told all family to sod off, many years ago.

DSis has had a birthday party at ours, when we weren't here, though!

Why all the angst at me? Is offering A N Other perspective so very bad?

As far as you all know OP hasn't even read my horrid suggestions yet. Or she might have and decided to tackle her DH, when they are both less fraught, and sorted it all out, amicably.

There really are only 2 choices: a) sort it out like adults or b) let it cause an argument.

The outcome doesn't really matter, what does matter is that OH and her DH come to an agreement. At the moment they have both let their ire be known, MN has told OP he is a shite of the first order and she should put a stop to his thinking he is an equal partner.

They are BOTH wrong at the moment.

Hes not equal is he? He is not making preparations, hes not thinking about food drink supplies, hes not thinking about his wifes need to sleep/function, and is expecting her to do everything, orgainise tidy, before and after an event she can not go to (ie need sleep)

OP - I'm just about to go into a meeting, and by the time I'm back at my desk, I expect to read that you've messaged your MIL and SIL as per JumpingJack's suggestion, and told them that its not convenient and will not be happening !!!

OK. You are right, Without ever having met him and only having an obviously overwrought OP to go by... he is a class A bastard with no redeeming features.

How does that help OP?

Would it help to have your DP described like that? It wouldn't would it?

Ooops! Sorry, this is MN after all. Where, along well defined gender lines, helping comes second to hating!

Well, tell them they can come but they will all have to muck in because you will be in bed all afternoon. So DH will need to cook dinner with MIL's help and look after the kids. Just tell them the truth - that you will need your rest so the house will be messy unless DH cleans it and you'll be in bed resting.

And stick to it. If it all goes to shit your DH will have to sort it out because you will be in bed, like you should be. Then suggest they all go off to your SIL's for the evening whilst you get ready for work.

Telling them how it is is much better than a) having them all turn up and you having to deal with it all again or b) having them turn up and question you/guilt trip you into doing it all. You just need to be totally straight with them all, including your DH.

I'm back!
Had a damn good moan at work I am not alone in this situation! Doctors and nurses across the county have family issues it appears.
Still furious with DH and he is well aware he is in trouble! If they do insist in coming, DH has not confirmed this yet (coward).
I will not be perfecting house should they come it will be normal state (clean but messy due to children) for guest it would normally be perfect. I will ensure lack of basics like tin foil and sudden loss of essential cooking equipment ( thanks for that idea). I will be going to bed that day and I will have a long lie in so DH has to sort children alone in morning pre visitors. I will make it crystal clear I expect kitchen cleaned after. I can't decide if I shall stay upstairs in my own home or go to my mums. If I go to my mums I would still have to come back to put the baby to bed before I go to work so it's easyer for me to stay in my own home really.
My DH is not a bad husband but he lacks common sense and has a very selfish family. I am not going to rush to the divorce courts for this! We both work, he is the much higher earner btw so he does have a right to use house also. He has been incredibly stupid and inconsiderate by letting his family turn down every date we offered that I was not working. But that's his mother manipulating. Thus I do feel if I am put in this situation when I HAVE to work (I don't get to choose when I work Christmas week ) it will be made clear to his family how unfair they have been. What else can I do? His family are not medical and quite simply do not have a clue. We are free New Year's Day but apparently that's too far away from Xmas for them. I really give up with that family I just want it over with and I no longer care if I make them uncomfortable. Thanks for everyone's views x

You should go to your mum's. If you're in the house you won't relax, you'll have over-excited children shrieking outside your door and wanting to show you their presents, and you will get people continually knocking at your door asking where the kitchen foil is etc. Escape!

'I will be going to bed that day and I will have a long lie in so DH has to sort children alone in morning pre visitors. I will make it crystal clear I expect kitchen cleaned after. I can't decide if I shall stay upstairs in my own home or go to my mums. If I go to my mums I would still have to come back to put the baby to bed before I go to work so it's easyer for me to stay in my own home really. '

DON'T stay there. They will never let you sleep. It's not easier for you to stay in your own home with all of them there.

I think it's ridiculous they get to turn down lots of dates but you can't turn down 1 date when you are the ones hosting. You should get priority.
The possibility of them coming on that day should have met with a flat no. If they don't have a family christmas party then they don't have one or they all go out.
I don't think you have to be medical to understand that if someone is working 2 nights in a row they won't want a party at their house in the day in the middle.
How come your SIL learned to manipulate from her mother but your husband didn't?
I would be telling him that this episode will affect how you see his family and how much they all (including him) value you and your opinions in the future and that this is not a Christmassy way for them to behave at all (although sadly Christmas brings out the worst in many people) and suggest the meal is changed to another week if no other days that week suit them but that if it's at your house you should be the main ones getting a say.

You sound in a much better place now, op. He will grow a backbone over this, only way to learn is doing this so he knows how much work it is. Next year, watch him put his foot down ! I hope your bedroom has a lock and do wander around freely in PJs brushing your teeth and later uniform as you get ready, put on the news before you leave as you normally would, sing in the shower... Oh, do make sure it's all tidy when you finished your bash, won't you, SIL?

Blanche, you're being a twat for the sake of it. The OP has offered to accomodate this family of bullies on several different dates and tried to compromise, but they will not accept anything apart from the date of their choice and OP's obedience.And this is not about 'the children's Christmas' because it isn';t even Christmas day, just a day close to Christmas when OP is working.

Winter, definitely don't stay in the house. Your MIL and SIL will make a concentrated effort to ensure you don't get enough sleep, either by sending the children up to your bedroom every five minutes or barging in to ask where the napkins are or if you have any cranberry sauce, etc. Or they might literally order you to remain awake and 'be welcoming', which is genuinely dangerous for your work.

he is the much higher earner btw so he does have a right to use house also

His right to 'use the house' has nothing to do with who earns what. Just sayin'. Was that something he said to justify his family coming, btw? Because it sounds like it. Listen, I agree it's his house too. But that doesn't mean he's entitled to run rough-shod over what you need to do in order to perform your job with the safety and care of your patients as your first priority! ICU personnel saved my DH's life and I thank God for your dedication to safety and to your vocation. But it wouldn't matter if you were Josephine the Plumber. You've said it doesn't work for you because you need to be well rested. He needs to grow a pair and just say 'No!'.

I'd still be making plans to go to my mum's. There's no way you're going to get any decent sleep with all that racket going on plus you KNOW that someone, at some point, is going to tiptoe upstairs with a 'Sorry to disturb you but……'. If you aren't able to leave your 1 yr old at home (can you pump a few bottles & let DH get on with it? It'd be rather a good lesson for him), can you put baby down at Mum's & would she be able to take care of baby for you while you're at work?

Sorry but I just don't get this - it is YOUR house, why can't you just say NO I AM WORKING!!! Why does your DH's decision to give in to his selfish family trump your right to say NO, IT IS MY HOUSE, I NEED SLEEP, THEY WON'T BE COMING HERE!??? In my wildest dreams I can't imagine accepting this. Confused . Which is probably why I wouldn't be in your situation. These people know that if they pressure you enough, you bend.

SolidGold - thanks for that! I suppose you really did mean to be so rude, it being an anonymous forum and all. But that really was uncalled for. I just have a different perspective from you.

Agree with WineAndRoses - why can't you just say NO ????? If I understood this correctly, you offered them other dates, but MIL/SIL elected to go for the one date that didn't work for you. JUST SAY NO!

I have said NO! I have said it lots, I have had a foot stomping tantrum about it in fact!!! Actually I hate my MIL who I'm sure is being nasty deliberately. DH has been left to deal with it but strangely they will not do any date we are free!
DH is not some evil beast holding rank because he earns more, I really do feel I have to point this out. I once earned more than him we are equal. I only pointed out he is the higher earner as some posters implied they thought I was the main earner when I'm not. He is a lovely but soft person with absolutely no backbone when it comes to his mother. This is why I am so cross with him as he should have stood firm. Btw I agree with most posts he needs to grow a pair and tell her no. My yelling this is not helping and believe me I can't communicate directly with her without it getting nasty. History means I never directly deal with her. I am cross with SIL who also lacks backbone with the mother but have a feeling that she will not be the main problem. Rant over BREATH I hate Xmas and family!

Playing devils advocate here - what's the worst that would happen if you DID communicate directly with MIL, saying "no, it's not going to happen"? Even if there were 24/36/72 hours of mayhem, wouldn't it be worth the pain, just to ensure they didn't turn up as planned? Would the world really end?

Gosh op, I would relax more away from it, in your mums house, and just come home, put baby to bed and go to work. Yes he is very selfish and a coward for putting his families needs about his wife.