To think that I must be the only mum in the country who's never had a night off?

[VondaRedbush]

DS is 2.4 and I've not had a night out/off since he was born. I recently had a milestone birthday and was only able to go out for lunch with DH. Everyone else I know of has, for their birthdays, been out for meals/drinking or gone on whole weekends away.

(The reason I've not had a night/evening off is that I'm the only one who can get DS to bed - he's still breastfed AND we co sleep. I'm becoming more and more fed up with it but can't see a way out. )

So, am I really the only mum to never ever get an evening off??? I'm starting to feel so isolated and socially inept .

I haven't had a day/night off in 14 years!Im a single parent, disabled, DC disabled, no help, no support at all.

count yourself lucky OP.

(BTW Im not complaining about lack of free time, I love DC more than anything and love every minute with her, )

How is that helping the op?

I haven't had a night off in TWENTY YEARS so you're moaning about nothing!! (Not really, I went out when dd was 4 weeks).

Spectacularly unhelpful.

Probably not something that you want to hear, but the eczema might improve when you stop feeding, especially if it's on his face and/or where he has skin on skin contact

pretend

I think that Becker is making the point that the OP has the power to change things a little more easily than many other people do.

The answer is for DH to do his own bedtime routine and make it fun so that DC really looks forward to it and so isn't bothered as to what OP is doing and she can put her feet up and have a rest!

If her little one was still on formula/bottles no one would raise an eyebrow..

Yes they would so this isn't a relevant comparison. There's just as much feeling that babies after 12 months don't need bottles.

Anyhoo, OP carry on bf/co-sleeping if you want to but hand him over to your DH and go out. They will cope.

Just go out, leave your DH to it. I would be ashamed if my own DH couldn't look after his own child. Stop enabling this situation.

Seriously, you are not doing your child any favours in the long run, what if you drop dead? Your child will have to cope.

I honestly think some mothers love to be 'needed', my baby had a traumatic birth, serious health issues, needed major surgery etc etc - but I felt no need to martyr myself - and I fully recognised that my DH is more than capable of being an 'equal' parent.

It may sound ridiculous to a lot of you but I really can't bear the thought of leaving DS and him getting so worked up that he vomits repeatedly from crying (this has happened before). I would rather never go out again than have this happen. DH does do a lot, but he's never (despite trying) managed to settle DS alone. I'm hoping this will get easier as DS gets older.

So, I look forward to possibly the next few years without an evening off - and I promise I won't complain about it again (not on MN anyway). My choice.

You likely aren't helping your DS, yourself or I'd imagine your marriage. Your choice though of course.

I also meant to say thanks AIN, that sounds like a really good way of stopping bf to sleep. Will definitely try it.

I remember not going out for a couple of years when the kids were small due to them never settling without me.

Its hard going op, but it doesnt last forever, honestly!

I genuinely do understand, and I don't think you should stop bf unless you are both ready. My DD used to get completely distraught if I couldn't put her to bed, however I work night shifts every so often and needed to be able to leave her and know she would be ok. So in the month coming up to my first set of nights I started feeding her while my husband sat beside us reading stories. I would then unlatch while still awake and cuddle her. Then after a few days I would leave her with DH to cuddle her with a story, and eventually I would feed her downstairs and he would take her upstairs. Now she's 19months, and I give her plenty warning that I'll be working that night, and daddy will be doing bedtime. She has her last feed before I leave and is ok with that. Most of the time DH and I alternate bed time now and it's fine.

This problem is of your own making. Why on earth would anyone BF a 2 year old?? You can't moan when this is all of your own making.

ILive what an odd thing to say! why wouldn't someone BF a 2yo? It's WHO/NHS recommended

I can understand it if you are a lone parent, but if you have a DP you should never have got into the position where the child is distraught if you are not there at bedtime. It is DP's child and from day 1 he should be left to do half of it, without interference. He will cope if you just disappear and he is left.
It isn't a healthy situation for any of you.

You know there are loads off us who bf and cosleep with toddlers, non of mine have moved out of our bed until 3.5 and all were still bf. Change things if if you want to, Dh could get better at nights if he does more or wait it out and grumble to those that get it.

When you get your social life back you will miss the night snuggles, we are contrary like that:)

The co sleeping and bf aren't the problem. It's simply child has never been left to go to sleep without op/ or bf. You can still do sleep and bf for years but have your dh and babysitter or your parents take over bedtime half the time.

Bf a 2 year old is normal and healthy??? It's what the NHS reccomend... Perhaps Google 'nct reasons to be proud' leaflet if you aren't aware of the health benefits for child and mum

You're doing a great job. You're not the only mum Breastfeeding a toddler/preschooler and cosleeping.
I haven't read the other posts so apologies of you have added anything more.
This part of your child's life won't last forever but they will relish the security they felt with you. If you want to night wean there are lots of gentle ways to do it (Sarah Ockwell-Smith, Kellymom.com, Dr James McKenna, the Milk Meg for starters).
I tend to take my baby out wherever I go if they are boob reliant for sleep. As they get older and are happy for daddy to settle them then we vary it but bf is the guaranteed knockout magic for bedtime. When you are both ready to wean then it will all scale back and stop.
You'll find some lovely, supportive groups on FB if you want to pop over. You're doing great :)

The only mistake you've made is expected support from a bunch of unhelpful unsupportive woman who don't understand your method of parenting. Leave, find an attachment / gentle parenting group and you'll get some real help.

Dear OP, I am stunned by the amount of "rod for your own back", pro weaning comments you have received.

You are not alone, I have not had a night out for a long time. It's not an issue, I like being here for my kids, I natural term nurse, I co sleep and I don't sleep train children. you are not alone, you sound like a very lovely person.

The society we live in places expectations of living the same life pre parenthood, it encourages parents to detach themselves from their child, it's not what nature intended, but what a one driven society expects and demands.

Chin up, you are an amazing strong woman, who despite the crazy pressure to ignore instinct, you are trusting your child. I for one think your little one is very lucky. xxx

fusionconfusion It's not about the OP asking for support (totally fine, I often feel the need to do it myself but personally more often do it with my friends in person than on the Internet), it's about it being on AIBU. In my opinion - yes she is BU to whinge about it and ask if she's "the only woman ..." etc. Sure that was a tongue in cheek comment but you can't fault people saying "Yes actually YABU because I cope with xyz and actually if you did abc you would be able to go out".

OP - I agree with the posters saying how sad that your husband can't be more involved. Even if he keeps your DS up later and watches a movie with some popcorn, plays some special games etc, ok it might not be his usual routine but perhaps staying away from trying to settle him to sleep would be more successful. Similar could be tried with a babysitter or grandparent.

Also I don't think anyone wants to (or does) leave their baby/toddler crying to the point of vomiting. But most of us manage to make sure they have a certain level of independence by the age of 2, which enables them to be left with a safe and trusted adult.

Developing a secure attachment to their main caregiver would usually promote them being able to develop secure relationships with others around them and personally I see that as quite a key part of bringing up my child, particularly being able to be left with my DH, my DC's father. It sounds like this isn't particularly relevant as your child is happy to be looked after away from you during the day but it really isn't a massive step to get to someone else putting him to bed. Of course, if you're not really that bothered about going out then don't worry. But if you are, then why don't you try different strategies to settle your child. The problem is that by 2 behaviours can be fairly entrenched, but you will find it is not long before he will understand rewards and explanations so that you can leave him more calmly.

If you start using regular babysitters your child develops a special relationship with them. DS used to love it, we had a babysitter who became like an extra grandmother.

Well done for meeting your child's needs. This really isn't an appropriate place to get support for attachment parenting, natural term weaning and co sleeping. So are you being unreasonable? To expect support in a mums net AIBU board? You sure are! Are you on Facebook? If so I recommend the Breastfeeding Older Babies and Beyond group. There are thousands of women like you on there.
I have a 3.5 year old and I bf and co sleep but he also settles with his dad so I'm not in the same boat but I can see where you are coming from.