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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that I must be the only mum in the country who's never had a night off?

255 replies

VondaRedbush · 21/11/2015 18:28

DS is 2.4 and I've not had a night out/off since he was born. I recently had a milestone birthday and was only able to go out for lunch with DH. Everyone else I know of has, for their birthdays, been out for meals/drinking or gone on whole weekends away.

(The reason I've not had a night/evening off is that I'm the only one who can get DS to bed - he's still breastfed AND we co sleep. I'm becoming more and more fed up with it but can't see a way out. )

So, am I really the only mum to never ever get an evening off??? I'm starting to feel so isolated and socially inept Sad.

OP posts:
Justremember · 21/11/2015 23:05

My dd is 3 and I haven't had a night out at all, but I don't want one either. I like being at home.
I'd quite like a Saturday or Sunday afternoon to myself but I can easily make it happen (give dd to DH) if I wanted it badly enough.

fusionconfusion · 21/11/2015 23:09

God, it's like the fucking moral police on here.

You can whine about not being able to find a particular advent calendar or shade of lipstick with impunity on MN but God forbid you might have a very normal moan about feeling touched out and wishing you could have a night out because in doing so you're clearly just being an arsehole to all the single parents with no support and parents of kids with special needs.

I've been there OP, not at 2.5 but it did happen with my first up until about two and I have a friend who experienced it more with her second.. and we all lived to tell the tale, but found it hard going at times. It can seem a much bigger deal when you're going through it because usually the reason people end up bfing and cosleeping is because they have babies who resist sleeping without that and yet still somehow create massive sleep deprivation even with that.

This will pass.

Headofthehive55 · 21/11/2015 23:13

baroness co sleeping does not mean lack of sex! Grin

Original poster
VondaRedbush · 21/11/2015 23:18

I've read back through my OP and it does sound whingey and martyrish, for which I apologise. (But I've had a shit day and am feeling sorry for myself).

Thank you to everyone who has written supportive or constructive replies.

My main reason for bf/cosleeping is exhaustion - it's the only way I could get any sleep. Other reasons - DS has medical condition for which breastmilk is (or was) very good. Despite my OP I am actually very pro bf and cosleeping. Also, DS had a very traumatic first 3 months of life and even now I find it hard to do anything that might really upset or traumatise him. Reading some of these posts makes me realise DH needs to step up a bit - there's no way he'd cope if I left him with DS.

DS still wakes frequently at night, even just an hour after I've put him to bed asleep - I think this is because he can't settle himself, has bad dreams and also eczema itching.

Bf and co-sleeping feel like the right thing for me to do - I'm just a bit resentful at the moment as I'd like to be able to do something one evening.

OP posts:
Headofthehive55 · 21/11/2015 23:21

There is one good cure for most childhood niggles. Patience.

Fatmomma99 · 21/11/2015 23:24

was going to write "stealth boast", but just seen your update. I do understand your reasons.

I would now say - make the most, because time passes far, far too quickly, and once they've moved beyond it, we don't get it back!

KatieLatie · 21/11/2015 23:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Mozzereena · 21/11/2015 23:25

You can breastfeed and co sleep if that is what works for you and your child. You can also have nights out and work/study full-time if you want to. Maybe you don't do these things because you don't want to, and that's fine. Be happy with the choices you made. If you can't be happy about it you can easily change it.

DixieNormas · 21/11/2015 23:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BumpTheElephant · 21/11/2015 23:35

It gets easier op. I was the same, ds2 breastfed to sleep until 3yrs 4 months. He was a very needy baby and I had no choice in the matter if any of us wanted to sleep!
As soon as he was weaned I took up a hobby that takes me out of the house one evening a week and also do voluntary work on another evening. Those two evenings are times where I get to be me and not just someones mum (I'm a sahp), they also provide much needed adult conversation and give me a break from being constantly in demand.

MissMoo22 · 21/11/2015 23:36

Jesus Christ the replies here are shocking.

OP, I am currently sat here while all my friends are off on a night out with our old group of friends who I would have really loved to have caught up with. I am gutted. This is because my 14 month old only settles for me. I'm sure she would eventually scream herself to sleep if I left her with her Dad. She might scream for 2 hours, vomit everywhere and be inconsolable but hey, she'd fall asleep eventually! So, while I COULD go out, I would rather not put her though that. We keep saying we are going to work on this bedtime routine but no, we never get round to it.

She also only settles for me when she wakes in the night and then sleeps with me. DP has tried to settle her when she has woke but the screaming is so bad we give in. Oh, we're probably terrible parents for just giving in but hey, I like to sleep and I like my baby to sleep.

Yes, it's our own fault so on nights like this I just tell myself it's not forever and they're only babies for a short while.

ArriettyMatilda · 21/11/2015 23:47

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread as found some of the first few comments were difficult reading for me. I breastfeed my nearly two year old to sleep every night and then transfer her to the cot, where she stays a few hours and then comes back to our bed. I can't believe how many people told you to stop! I've had a few nights out, I just make sure I feed dd before I leave. If she falls asleep that's great, if she doesn't then at her age it's just tough and daddy or nanny will have to cope with getting her to sleep. Sorry if that sounds harsh but we are talking once a month if that and she is with people she knows and loves, they are just not me. She still feeds in the day when I'm around but I have recently started a Saturday job and she is happy to spend the day with daddy and make up for it when I get back. From your update this may not work in your situation, they are all individuals. But I wouldn't have known dd (and dp) would survive until we tried. Let us know how you are getting on op, it must be tough for you. And really lovely too that your ds gets great comfort from you.

OnTheEdgeToday · 22/11/2015 00:00

Do you think maybe you have a bit of seperation anxiety, too?
Have you tried expressing (sorry if already been covered), and giving a bottle to your oh and letting him do some feeds?

A way of helping your oh learn to be able to cope with your ds. He should be able to cope with your ds, he is his as well. I would suggest you go out for an hour shopping or something. Go out for a coffee with a friend and leave him to it. Gradually build the time frame up

MistressoftheYoniverse · 22/11/2015 00:04

Breast pump anyone?....it's important to give yourself a night off I breast fed till 12 months both children a year apart and co-slept too..don't be a martyr you deserve to have time to yourself as a woman and a couple...crying does not kill and I'm a softie used to get let down even when I heard someone elses baby crying take care x

PiperChapstick · 22/11/2015 00:06

The advice to stop BFing and co-sleeping is truly excellent, because we know both can just be turned off like a tap Hmm

MrsLeighHalfpenny · 22/11/2015 00:28

I don't think anyone has implied the OP can turn off either breastfeeding or co-sleeping like a tap Piper

Charleymouse · 22/11/2015 00:44

No you are not the only one.
I natural term BF all of mine, only 1/4 ever had a bottle (whilst in SCBU) and I used to put them to to bed the majority of the time. I was tandem feeding for a time as well. I eventually had a night off when the youngest was at nursery when she was almost 3.
It was only then that i realised that nursery staff got my DC to nap every day without BF and co sleeping.
Have you tried getting completely out of the way so your DC can not smell your milk? Do they nap for anyone else, are they at nursery, if so ask a nursery member of staff if they do babysitting so it is someone you and Dc are used to?
You are allowed to have a moan when you do not get a break and you can choose to co sleep and BF. A lot of these posts who say just stop what a lot of nonsense, they are as bad as victim blaming, can no one make a choice they believe in but still find it hard sometimes. if you want to stop fine stop; if you do not want to stop carry on and have a moan when you feel no one helps or appreciates what you do.
You are allowed to feel sorry for yourself sometimes.
You are doing your best for your child and sometimes it is hard-work and often you get no thanks or appreciation.
Good luck with finding a way to have a break. I found lunch or an afternoon out was a great way to accommodate this.
As one of the co sleeping natural term BF loonies you have my admiration and sympathy.

munchkinmaster · 22/11/2015 06:38

I think it sounds like he was ill as a baby and still has a medical condition. That can be incredibly traumatising for parents and then influence their parenting and rel with their kids long term.

I wonder if those experiences makes it hard to let your dh take over and what seems to the readers of this thread as normal toddler stuff (fussing at bed time) makes you worry you are traumatising him? I'm guessing you feel pretty anxious about all this.

If he still attends a paediatric hospital I would ask if they have a psychologist attached to his medical team to talk some of this through with.

PenelopeChipShop · 22/11/2015 07:17

OP you've had a rough ride here - not surprising as many people just don't understand natural term breastfeeding and co sleeping and automatically label you a 'mummy martyr' - well I've been there and I understand how you feel. It's isually something that starts out of your OWN desperate desire to get any sort of sleep at all, not because you think it's 'best' or wouldn't dream of settling your baby in a cot - they just bloody won't.

My DS is now 3.5 and sleeps through most nights in his own bed, and has recently self-weaned - a sentence I never thought I'd see myself type on MN! But at 2.5 I was in a similar position to you with the crucial difference that I DID go out.

My practical advice:
With a kid used to constant comfort you need a softly softly approach. Tiny tiny changes that he'll hardly notice. The most crucial one will be feeding to sleep. If you can change this one thing and get him falling asleep in his own bed - with you there, but not cuddling or feeding - you will almost certainly find that he'll stay asleep for a longer period (enabling you to go out without worrying) even if he wakes up later.

You work on this until you see an improvement then calculate the time you have - soon h'll settle at 7.30 and reliably sleep till midnight or 1am - plenty of time for the cinema or drinks!

It will take patience but think about other things he really likes - my DS went through an absolute obsession with Mr Men books for example so I bought a stash and for a period of a couple of weeks whipped out a new one at bedtime, then insisted he had to sit in bed to hear it - this distracted him from the bedtime feed and hey presto it was gone! Find a solution based on your son's enthusiasms.

Dropping feeding at night if you still do that is harder but often this is where dads need to play a role.

Mehitabel6 · 22/11/2015 07:28

It seems quite common to me that some women have exclusive care from the start and shut out DH- they make him secondary parent who is assistant, under guidance- and then when the child gets to about 2 yrs they get resentful that they are doing it all.
It is all so unnecessary. He is just as capable from the start and can do it all, apart from bfeeding. It is his baby too- you do not need to issue instructions - you merely leave him to do some bath times etc and remove yourself from the room.
That way the child has 2 parents who are interchangeable ( apart from the bfeeding) and by 2 years they can be offered an alternative for one evening.
Grandparents have managed to bring up children- let them do some baby sitting early on. I had it so that it was home from home with the child.
If you haven't got family join a babysitting circle or find a baby sitter to pay.
It is now rather difficult that you have made this child's bedtime routine totally dependent on you, so much so that he is distraught if you are not there. Just start to make small changes so that gradually DH is doing more - and get him to make it fun so that the child starts to actually really love daddy doing it and looks forward to it.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 22/11/2015 07:32

Co-sleeping is a terrible idea. My DS must have still been in with me tithe was about 5 BlushIn the end, I chose a date and spent the week introducing the idea to DS. The first night was awful, he screamed and yelled and none of us got any sleep bit by the third night he was fine. Do it now!!

Narp · 22/11/2015 07:51

munchkin

Totally agree with your post.

Understandable reactions to things in the past need to be re-evaluated so that they don't continue to affect parenting choices

ShowMeTheWonder · 22/11/2015 08:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BalloonSlayer · 22/11/2015 08:28

Just a thought from a fellow mother of a baby with eczema. . . the extra heat/dust of being in bed with you might actually be slightly to the detriment of his skin.

I just mention that because I think that if you could feel that you are ending co-sleeping for his benefit it might make it easier for you.

I do sympathise - I let all my DC decide on when BF ended, obviously I asked them "would you like x instead?" to encourage them but I don't think I could have coped with a child wanting a BF and refusing them.

Only1scoop · 22/11/2015 08:45

seems quite common to me that some women have exclusive care from the start and shut out DH- they make him secondary parent who is assistant, under guidance- and then when the child gets to about 2 yrs they get resentful that they are doing it all.
It is all so unnecessary. He is just as capable from the start and can do it all, apart from bfeeding. It is his baby too- you do not need to issue instructions - you merely leave him to do some bath times etc and remove yourself from the room.

Mehtibel agree 100 percent

The amount of threads where the father is some background assistant on skeleton duties now and then shock me,