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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that I must be the only mum in the country who's never had a night off?

255 replies

VondaRedbush · 21/11/2015 18:28

DS is 2.4 and I've not had a night out/off since he was born. I recently had a milestone birthday and was only able to go out for lunch with DH. Everyone else I know of has, for their birthdays, been out for meals/drinking or gone on whole weekends away.

(The reason I've not had a night/evening off is that I'm the only one who can get DS to bed - he's still breastfed AND we co sleep. I'm becoming more and more fed up with it but can't see a way out. )

So, am I really the only mum to never ever get an evening off??? I'm starting to feel so isolated and socially inept Sad.

OP posts:
starlight2007 · 21/11/2015 18:42

Well I B fed Ds till he was 2..A terrible sleeper I was exhausted..

Reality is he showed no signs of wanting to give up breast milk I was tired and exhausted..So yes I weaned him off the boob...By 2 you are a habbit like a dummy really..DC has to be taught to self soothe to sleep at some point..

There is nothing wrong if you want to continue but it sounds like you have had enough..At two there is a lot more to parenting that feeding and sleep.

I don't think you are alone but I do think you are starting to sound very resentful

Gottagetmoving · 21/11/2015 18:43

If you are the only one who can get him to bed, then more fool you! You must have created that situation. I breastfed but had nights out,..lots of mums do and I didn't make my child totally dependent on me.
Obviously there is a way out even if you are not prepared to change what you do right now,...You surely win t be breastfeeding and co sleeping when he is a teenager will you?
Up to you how long you are prepared to carry on like this.
You could change it starting tomorrow.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 21/11/2015 18:43

I was expecting this thread from a lone parent with no family or friends to baby sit.

You have the choice to continue extended breastfeeding and co sleeping or to stop co sleeping and get your child to sleep in his own bed.

Pipestheghost · 21/11/2015 18:43

I didn't have a night out for 6 years when I became a single parent, with no family near by.
As pp have said stop bf and co sleeping and get family round to put ds to bed to get him used to it.

TheFairyCaravan · 21/11/2015 18:44

DS2 was 5 when he was first left with a babysitter. I didn't expect a medal that's just the way it was.

You've got 2 choices, carry on as you are or change it. It's up to you.

MushroomMama · 21/11/2015 18:44

Does he drink out of a cup/sippy cup? If so express!

You do need to find a routine that works for everyone atm it doesn't

helterskelter99 · 21/11/2015 18:47

Mine is nearly 3 and much the same I left him for the 1st time with his dad in Mid Sept, he was fine went to bed without me, we both went to a wedding last weekend and he was fine too for his aunt you and uncle.
But he's been rubbish for this week as he obviously didn't like being left but he can do it.
If I go out in the week we tend to tell him and he goes to bed, late but he goes and wakes as normal at 1
I don't talk about it because of comments like this, I waited a long time to have him, I can't have any more and he won't be like this forever so I embrace it and it's fine BUT if I felt hard done by then it would be time to reassess and look at alternatives
X

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie · 21/11/2015 18:48

Lots of lovely supportive posts here I see. Hmm

Op have you ever tried to leave your ds to settle with your partner? You may be surprised.

You do not have to stop co sleeping and breastfeeding if you don't want to and anyone suggesting it is an easy solution is not taking the 2 year old's feelings into account.

ruthsmumkath · 21/11/2015 18:48

I bf and co sleep - lo is 17 months - I'm not out all the time but have been maybe 5 times. They will go to sleep eventually and the first time is the worst. Wouldn't worry be a joy now although I'd only leave him with someone I knew.

unicorn501 · 21/11/2015 18:48

I BFed DD until she was 3.5, and coslept, nothing wrong with that! But I did still manage to go out every now and then. Either I got her to sleep first, or she just had to deal with it. I realised if I wasn't in the house she was generally ok, and let her dad or grandma put her to bed, with lots of stories and cuddles. Give it a try!

Headofthehive55 · 21/11/2015 18:49

You can still co sleep, and breastfeed. Just not the night you go out! We've co slept children for nearly twenty years. Not the same child obviously! They grow out of it eventually!

I've never had many nights off in a going out sense, but not really bothered in that respect.

Narp · 21/11/2015 18:49

Mushroom
Doubt he'd find a sippy cup rewarding. The breast is a comfort, not serving his nutritional needs, so I don't think expressing would be worth it.

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie · 21/11/2015 18:50

And he really won't be breastfeeding and cosleeping when he is a teenager, even if you carry on as you are.

Saukko · 21/11/2015 18:55

Don't necessarily expect it to get better if you wean, though. When my son was born my mother declared "I'm not looking after it. I did my time." And that was that. No babysitting at Nannie's for my kid. If I ever brought up the idea she might, god forbid, watch him for an hour while my husband and I went for lunch, she said "You had him, you look after him."

No days off, no nights off. Barely exchanged three words with the husband that hasn't had a child shrieking over us.

It's insanity-inducing.

I fear that if you've gone this long without any relative stepping in to say "Let me help you", they're not going to step in once you wean. You might need to make it very clear to those you want to babysit that you'll be doing this and want the support.

Narp · 21/11/2015 18:59

Saukko

Sorry about your mum, but the OP has given no indication that she's not been offered help.

Saukko · 21/11/2015 19:01

No indication she has. She feels confident she has relatives she could leave him with, but not one has offered to take the kid? Have any conversations been had about it or has she kept it quiet that she'd like to? She'll need to put the word out she's willing to do this - if they got turned down, relatives may have stopped offering.

All I'm saying is don't necessarily wait for the offers to roll in when she weans - she'll need to make it clear and ask people.

dietcokeandwine · 21/11/2015 19:02

I doubt you're the only one, OP, but really and truly you could change this if you wanted to.

You don't even need to stop bf or cosleeping if you don't want to.

Just arrange a night out and leave your DH to it. What's the worst that can happen? DC cries and screams for you. And? They'll have ^their other parent^ there to soothe and comfort them. And offer drinks in another form. So they might not settle like they'd settle for you. So what's the problem? You know what, they'd settle eventually. And gosh get a night off.

These sorts of posts always frustrate me because of the extreme degree of martyrdom that so often seems to accompany extended bf and co sleeping. I've yet to read a post from any parent (in over 11 years of parenting) that has ever convinced me that the pros of it could ever outweigh the cons. But really and truly you could just change this situation. The fact you might choose not to would be nobody's fault but yours.

PegsPigs · 21/11/2015 19:03

You're comparing yourself to people who have made different choices to you. You're still breastfeeding.
That's fine and that's your choice but obviously you can't have a weekend away.
Only you can get him to sleep.
You've chosen not to let other people learn what you've learnt. My DD1 was a bugger to get to sleep so I would always do it but made a rod for my own back so let DH and DM have their turns. Do you know what? Nothing bad happened and she's 2.8 and goes to bed pretty easily now.
You co sleep.
Your choice as making him sleep in his own bed was a battle too far and you chose sleep over battles. That's fine but it's just delaying the inevitable when he'll need to sleep in his own bed. A full sized single will be fine for him at 2.4 and not feel restrictive like a cot might have done.

So in summary you can't have what other people have and do what other people do because you have made different choices to them. If you want what they have you need to stop breastfeeding and co sleeping and let other people put him to bed. Until then you will not be able to have a night out or away.

Livvylongpants · 21/11/2015 19:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

m0therofdragons · 21/11/2015 19:05

I don't get this. Even if you're still breast feeding you can do a feed and go out for the evening. Surely a dc over 2 doesn't feed in the night? Dh and I managed to go for an evening meal when I was breast feeding twins. Also, re co-sleeping, do you go to bed at the same time as your ds? Otherwise why can't you feed and put to bed and go out for dinner once he's settled? I have 3dc and don't ever expect a babysitter to get them to bed. Dh and I get them settled then leave babysitter to a quiet night in front of the TV. Not that we go out often but you seem to be refusing to find simple solutions.

Narp · 21/11/2015 19:06

Saukko

I expect she doesn't feel she has the power to change it, because it's been going on so long. For a while there's a lot of satsifaction in being the only one who can soothe the child, and others maybe aren't encouraged to get in the middle of that.

dietcokeandwine · 21/11/2015 19:06

But Saukko why does it need to be a relative?

You could pay for a babysitter? Plenty of lovely babysitters about. Ask for recommendations. Use an agency. Doesn't need to be family...

nf1morethanjustlumpsandbumps · 21/11/2015 19:07

DS is 8 I've never had a night off. He has complex special needs. No one wants to deal with the health complexities at bedtime nor the responsibilities it brings. We're on the list for respite though at last. We're hoping to start off with a weekend lunch etc building up to a night away. If anyone offers help take it because believe me 8 years down the line I'm at breaking point.

WhenTheDragonsCame · 21/11/2015 19:07

Can you put him to bed and then go out or do you need to stay in bed with him so he doesn't wake up? In the past when my parents have had my DC I have put them to bed so my parents don't have to do it and then gone out.

Headofthehive55 · 21/11/2015 19:09

dietcoke FB and co sleeping is lovely, however not sure if there is any cons? as I said doesn't stop you going out. I've bf for extended periods too. Couldn't do it every night, as I worked. all good.

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