To think that I must be the only mum in the country who's never had a night off?

[VondaRedbush]

DS is 2.4 and I've not had a night out/off since he was born. I recently had a milestone birthday and was only able to go out for lunch with DH. Everyone else I know of has, for their birthdays, been out for meals/drinking or gone on whole weekends away.

(The reason I've not had a night/evening off is that I'm the only one who can get DS to bed - he's still breastfed AND we co sleep. I'm becoming more and more fed up with it but can't see a way out. )

So, am I really the only mum to never ever get an evening off??? I'm starting to feel so isolated and socially inept .

The reason I posted on AIBU is because it was a fairly lighthearted moan and I really was wondering if I was BU - I wanted to hear different perspectives. However, I expected to get more replies along the lines of 'YABU because I can't go out because of xyz' or 'YANBU I'm in the same position'.

I didn't expect the anti-bf, anti-cosleeping comments from people who don't have a clue what they're talking about. I thought MNers (even on AIBU) were a bit more aware that there's lots of parenting styles and they're all acceptable.

However, my OP clearly wasn't taken in the spirit it was meant (which is my fault as I should have worded it differently).

Thank you to Norisca, Buntcadger, Mrsmonkey katsuyama and all the others who've been supportive. I'll definitely look up those pages/groups you've mentioned. And I haven't just ignored some of the less positive posts ( Mehtibel, mrsplum etc) - they have really made me think about some things which do need to change.

Not everyone has friends to whinge to (or wants to) in real life.

Not everyone realises what a vipers' nest AIBU really can be, especially on their first.

And yes, it's all about choice. And one choice being made by many, in this context, is to stick the knife in to shame and belittle someone rather than be helpful. That's a choice many people seem to want to make on AIBU, to air those "opinions" that are mean, judgemental, belittling and shaming.

So I agree with whoever said the real "U"ness here is expecting you're going to be treated like a human being on AIBU!

AIBU can be a very unkind place at times. You'd probably have got more supportive or understanding replies on other parts of mumsnet.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with natural term breastfeeding or co-sleeping. And it's certainly not impossible for co-sleeping breastfed toddlers to cope without their mum for an evening, which makes it a bit frustrating to see so many posters giving anti-bf and anti co-sleeping advice.

DS2 (2.2. years) is still breastfeeding and showing no signs of wanting to stop any time soon. I'm not on the FB group Norisca mentioned, but I'm in 2 local La Leche League groups (one of which is specifically aimed at mothers of toddlers), and I've found them great places to get supportive and constructive advice on breastfeeding issues. Plenty of co-sleepers on there too. And it's a safe place to whinge about the difficult bits without having to worry about a tide of people saying you should quit breastfeeding.

The downside of attachment parenting. You chose this!

I may not have agreed with you OP but I kind of resent the fact you have referred to me as being particularly negative. I haven't shamed or belittled you about your parenting choices, just pointed out that several people don't get a break and often for more of a systemic issue than yours. Also, you can and do leave your DC during the day, some people can't.

Tbh the fact you attachment parent is irrelevant to me and my advice indicates that I don't think you need to give up co-sleeping or breastfeeding to go out. I just think you need to make your choice - either accept you are doing what you believe necessary and need to stay in as a result, or make changes and go out for the evening. Either way I think you are very lucky that you have a husband - and presumably other childcare options - and therefore just be careful how much you complain (about issues that have arisen from you making choices to parent in a certain way).

Mehtitabels post was also excellent.

I think it could be used for many threads I've read on here over the weekend.

Norisca

My own belief is that we meet our children's needs by ensuring that they develop attachments to people other than their mother, as they grow, and that they can

a) experience mild anxiety and survive it

and

b) overcome it with the help of other trusted people

and therefore become resilient children and adults

Your narky comment implying other people do not meet their children's needs is what some find annoying about your version of 'attachment parenting'

My son has topical eczema on the back of his knees which flares up occasionally. I have never done anything more than apply the creams the GP gave me. It comes and goes - some nights it causes him to scratch.

some people seem overly invested in wanting to accuse the OP of some kind of medical neglect on top of making sarky comments about breastfeeding and co-sleeping.

But surely a child's father is just as capable of dealing with itchy skin condition? To not go out for years because your child has eczema is bonkers. Parents should work as a team and both be competent to do a bedtime or put cream on! There are absolutely no good reasons why only one parent should be capable of doing bedtime.

I really don't think people were meaning to be snarky about co sleeping and breastfeeding. I'm sure everyone agrees that choosing to feed age 2+ and not having your husband help is a choice you have made and it seems daft to moan about not going out when you have made the choice.

What I find snarky are the posts that go one about 'well done for meeting your child's needs' and the like. I don't label the way I parent as I have made choices along the way based on evidence, my child and our family and I think that's what most people do. I find the whole attachment and gentle parent group very intimidating even though there are some aspects I agree with I would never dare engage just in case I was accused of not putting my child first for letting them sleep in a cot or something.

It is the mothers needs that are not being met, her need to go out and socialise or celebrate birthday. That's why it's so peculiar that she has chosen the current arrangements where she is in effect sole carer and dad is excluded.

A choice to not let a father help out at bedtime is different to a choice to breastfeed / co-sleep with a toddler.

OP I hope you are okay? I am baffled by the way you've been spoken to by some

We all choose to parent the way that fits in with the needs of our children and ourselves - and it's important to realise that over time, those needs will change, and that's OK.

I don't think people are criticising bfeeding or co-sleeping. Rather it is questioning why the OP has chosen a way of doing things and then is complaining about the consequences. And the 'rod for your own' back comments have been as much about being the only one who can get the child to sleep, and not letting the father get on with it.

It is incredibly easy to get into a routine out of what feels like necessity. I know someone's DD who would only go to sleep with a dummy. And when the dummy fell out she would cry, so her mum would go and put the dummy back in. This could happen up to 10 times a night, and went on for over a year. Despite people advising them to get rid of the dummy they insisted it was necessary for her to sleep otherwise she would get upset. And they had tried putting her to bed without the dummy a few times but she had started crying straight away. Finally they did it one night and didn't give her the dummy at all. She cried for 15 minutes (which I'm sure felt like an eternity for them) then went to sleep. And didn't need a dummy again. So they'd had a year of incredibly disturbed sleep for all of them, because they found it too difficult to try and change the routine.

Good for you vondaredbush. I used to be on mn fairly often and made some lovely fried s here. However I tend to avoid nowadays for reasons fairly obvious on this post. Not in the least those who post to 'speak for all'. The egos are eye watering. Again I applaud your determination, you are not alone, and it is ok to have a moan, but instead of somewhere like this, where you are sadly faced with embittered opinions being thrust at you with as much kindness as spider gives to a fly please go onto a group with other parents with similar parenting ethos to your own and not a general page like this where it literally a hunting ground. X

Friends*

Bunt

I don't think the OP has a 'parenting ethos' does she? She says she did what was expedient at the time, like most of us do.

I don't see who is embittered. An there is literally no hunting going on

Come and join Natural Mamas- another lovely group where you can have a light hearted moan and be taken at face value.

MrsPlum - why should I not be able to moan about the downside of things I may well have chosen to do? AIBU wouldn't exist if people were only allowed to moan about things they had no control over. I never said negative, I said 'less positive' and I was actually trying to say that I valued your input as a point of view on my situation.

BTW for those who've suggested it, my DH isn't excluded from bedtimes. He's very much involved but doesn't have boobs for the final stage! [a likely useless attempt to lighten the thread. Oh well].

Narp and nerr, I really don't think anyone was implying other people don't meet their children's needs. The poster was just saying that I've met MY child's needs.

Thanks Freezing , I'm fine, just a bit disappointed...

Bond, Bunt & katsu - thanks. Some great info, suggestions and support

I'm on Natural Mamas too, lovely place.

OP- I'm sorry you feel a lot of the replies here are anti breast feeding/ anti co sleeping. I breast fed my ds who woke up every couple of hours for a feed for what seemed like ages. However, there comes a point when Children don't need breast milk and they are able to get what they need for food. To continue to allow your ds to be dependent on your breasts is not ideal; there must come a point when you needs to be weaned. This might not be the same for every child but everyone has to be weaned at some point. Could this be the time for your ds?
We've got to encourage our chn to move forward and develop some independence. I bet he will soon become aware that other boys his age aren't being breast fed and it will become a cause for embarrassment for him.

I'm currently bfing my 4 year old and my 2 year old. I bf my eldest till she was 4.
I co sleep and get the youngest to sleep by bfing when I'm here.
But I go out. I recently went away for two nights. They had their dad and they were fine. They know when I'm not here and they get a bit upset but have their dad to comfort them and soon resettle.
Just go out OP. stay local with your phone on if it makes you feel better, but go out and let your dh/p get on with it. They'll find their way of doing things and be fine.

Thank you Only1Scoop . I am not anti breastfeeding or co sleeping. I just can't understand why you get a couple who are new parents and they are not equal from the start. DH and I were both without experience and I can't see why I then need to tell him everything, make him my assistant so that he has to run everything past me and that I am the only one who gets time alone. You should immediately leave him to it. Have time off. If the child has an odd combination of clothes does it matter?!
If you do become 'superior' parent then you can't complain when you find that he has given up and expects you to do it. It seems common on MN that somewhere between 2 and 3 years the mother who has taken charge suddenly gets a bit resentful that her DP is a bit like an extra child.

The best thing that OP can do is simply go out. They will all cope if she removes herself. If she hovers around it won't work.