To think that I must be the only mum in the country who's never had a night off?

[VondaRedbush]

DS is 2.4 and I've not had a night out/off since he was born. I recently had a milestone birthday and was only able to go out for lunch with DH. Everyone else I know of has, for their birthdays, been out for meals/drinking or gone on whole weekends away.

(The reason I've not had a night/evening off is that I'm the only one who can get DS to bed - he's still breastfed AND we co sleep. I'm becoming more and more fed up with it but can't see a way out. )

So, am I really the only mum to never ever get an evening off??? I'm starting to feel so isolated and socially inept .

Depends how much you really want a night out, doesn't it? Neither of my two have ever had a bottle and each time I breastfed until I was pregnant again and it became uncomfy for me, so 18 months ish.

When DD1 was about 8 weeks old I went out (just in city centre 15 minutes or so away) I fed her to sleep, left her in DH's arms (well, arm, actually, as I think he was playing Fifa ) We agreed I'd be home in 3 hours and he'd text if she woke before that. DD2 was about 3 or 4 weeks when I did similar but only a local pub a short walk away, I only managed 90 minutes but it was important to me.

I don't usually spend entire evenings away from them even now, but they're in bed by 7.45 so I go out then. Or an afternoon tea / spa day - no bedtime to angst about then! If you are used to being out of the house working any way there is even less reason not to have at least an afternoon out. DH just needs to get on board.

What are you doing about the eczema? Are you seeing a dermatologist?

My eldest had severe eczema as a baby and with a brilliant treatment regime from a paediatric dermatologist (steroids and emollients yes), his skin was clear within days. Piriton at night for the itching. He's 3 and his skin is beautiful now. I'm wondering if you've ever treated it properly if he's still suffering.

I do find it mind boggling when anyone says their DH wouldn't cope with their own child by themselves.

only1scoop It's awful and fairly prevalent in real life too unfortunately, women taken it all on and the men who puport to love them watch them run themselves into the ground, because they don't want to "babysit". To my shame I inadvertently buy into the rhetoric sometimes - said DH was "really good" just last night, because I was saying he encourages and facilitates me going on nights and days out on a regular basis. I doubt he's banging on about how "good" I am for having MY OWN CHILDREN 8 hours a day while he works or for his nights out!

I think many people have been unnecessarily harsh. Humans are meant to be fed for even longer than 2, it's just modern society doesn't agree. The problem here is the lack of help, not the breastfeeding. I would get your husband envolved a bit more, gradually so you can work towards having time alone. I have a boy a similar age and I'm starting to think about night weaning so I'm taking gradual steps to make sure this is not distressing. I'm starting with teaching him to drift off not feeding. So on a night where is is not exhausted, i feed him until he sits up of comes off and then when he asks for it again I say milk has gone night nights, and cuddle him instead. Sometimes he protests a bit but I distract with a story etc (expect bedtime to get a lot later for a little while!) it starts to pay off when the night waking a get less. We are down to about 5 now from 15+. I done this same method with my older two and it worked well. When it gets to the point where they are 100% OK drifting off to sleep without feeding then drop the night feeds until morning so you can get an extra hour or so in bed. At this point night waking a are about 1-3 times a night for my other two.

I think it would be too distressing for your little one if you just went out now and left your husband to it. You'd probably also stress and not enjoy yourself!

Forgot to say once we stopped night feeding altogether, they sleep through in a couple of days (or wake up once now and then). Heaven! Can't wait for my last one to be able to do this!

I maybe wrong but I don't think the majority are saying you should be or co sleep.

Just that you can't really moan when you have made the decisions yourself.

I see nowhere, where the OP says her dh or family won't help.

I know plenty of mums who have actively not allowed anyone else to help. Not even leaving. The baby with their dh. I don't really judge them (although I feel sorry for the dhs a bit) but you can't then moan about the consequences.

That is what a mummy martyr does. It's not healthy to martyr yourself.

If this was just about the op moaning then there wouldn't' the so many 'urge stop breastfeeding' comments.

Some ofmthenrespimses about the breastfeeding are vile.

Take all those out and the thread would be a lot more concise.

I breastfeed my 18 month old to sleep when we are together, but she goes to sleep for DH with a few stories and a cuddle. Leave your partner to it, he'll find a way.

I think I will take DS to the doc's just to ask about helping the itching at night - thanks jibber. I also need to involve DH more in bedtimes.

Thanks, Fusion. There are a lot of things in my life that I could moan about, but I don't. Last night, I decided to have a whinge about the fact I've not had a night off in over 2 years. I don't think that makes me a martyr.

Thank you katie, Charley, penelope, arietty* missmoo and others who've offered understanding.

I've also been quite shocked at the general anti-bf tone to a lot of the posts, Abe. I didn't expect that here.

Because it took me a while to be able to reply, some posters seemed positively gleeful that I'd 'run away' or been scared off by the negative responses. I find it just bizarre that some people appear to take pleasure in this. Are we still in high school, girls? (N.B. it would take a lot more than a few hostile internet strangers to 'scare me off'.)

If your not happy its time to sort it out or continue? Your choice.

Have you got eczema treatment though? Stopping the itching is great (and I think at your DS's age you can buy Piriton OTC) but it's not looking at the cause (if you haven't done so already). For my DS he was allergic to milk protein so we had to cut dairy and soya out and go on to Neocate which is a dairy free formula. I found the GP spectacularly unhelpful and unknowledgable when it came to childhood eczema and it wasn't until we got referred to see a dermatologist and allergist that we actually got somewhere. The creams were brilliant and we saw a difference after the first day. I've never been so grateful.

We've had DS allergy tested - he has allergies but he's not exposed to any now (neither am I). Can you give piriton every night, jibber?

Your DH needs to step up clearly.

You don't need to stop co-sleeping or breastfeeding if you don't want to but you do need on occasion to be able to hand DS to DH, skip out for the night and be happy that all will be well.

As you say get DH more involved and take less of the responsibility yourself. It will be fine.

I can understand you feeling a bit fed up about it all.

But on the other hand YABU because it sounds like if you were willing to leave your DS you could (and have options for leaving him) which is hard for some people to hear - when they genuinely don't have a choice. Such as those who have a child with a disability or highly significant needs who can't be left with even a grandparent.

Yes mrsplum, because Mumsnet, as we all know, is solely a support group for the most socially excluded so alluding to not being in that category is an automatic slight on the most vulnerable in society.

Oh wait...

To be frank this post really irritates me. No I'm not in a totally difficult and untenable position but actually my dc3 didn't sleep reliably until age 2.5 and I have no one to leave mine with. Even paying someone isn't always an option (certainly not at lunchtime unless it's during the week and dh takes a day of annual leave). So, I kind of have limited sympathy but don't want to turn it into a poor me as we all are where we are due to certain choices. And there are several people with disabled children or with no partner who have it much harder than me (and the op).
Aibu totally wrong topic choice for this one imo.

Reading some of these posts makes me realise DH needs to step up a bit - there's no way he'd cope if I left him with DS.

Every now and then I read a sentence on mn that is so sad. This child has been part of this family for over two years and his father can't even care for him for one evening.

I know Fairenuff it's shocking, I sometimes feel like I've travelled back to the 1950's on mn.

I agree very sad.

I totally get where you're coming from after you more recent posts. My ds had problems at birth and I'm the same about him crying or being any distress. Not like the normal feeling of wanting to help your baby, it's a bit more than that because you've seen them so distressed when they were born you can't stand anything that reminds you of that.

Me and dp have had lots of chats about it as he's the same and we support eachother - remind eachother that crying is just his communication to us and that generally he's not in any real distress. Perhaps you could chat to your dh and talk about what happened and how you can start giving your baby a bit more training with self soothing? Perhaps that would allow you to feel you could leave him for an evening.

I was also told by HV and therapist that I should make an effort to allow dp to actively parent as I was in danger of shutting him out a bit. I think it all stemmed from his traumatic first week after he was born and also a previous abusive relationship when my dd was a baby and I feel like I failed to protect her from it. I have to remind myself that he'll be alright with daddy and that even though I know how to do things quickly, dp still needs to learn how to do things in his own way. I now get to go out and have the odd lie in, but I'm struggling at night time and we are co-sleeping without me really wanting to do that at the start. I'm wondering how I'm going to wean him out of co-sleeping because he gets eczema too and I think sleeping next to me seems to be making him a bit hot and aggrevating it.

So I get the strong feelings you are having to co-sleep and stay in every night, but I think it's healthy to fight against it and go out every now and again.

You've made a rod for your own back by continuing to breastfeed and co sleep until this age, your average 2 and a half year old does not need either.

Oh stop with the rod for your own back comments, it's such an old fashioned phrase it just makes me laugh and is sooo helpful in fact I think the posters saying this may be my mil!

Also why the anti bf comments??? If her little one was still on formula/bottles no one would raise an eyebrow. How sad.

Mrsplum I was exactly the same, living abroad for most of the early years with my three who were very close in age, limited money, very little social support etc... and you know what? It's not about me any more than it's about you or is about parents of disabled children or people in poverty etc etc. It was just someone having a little moan because they were feeling a bit overwhelmed and surely that's something most of us should be able to empathise with rather than try to shame someone for.

I think everyone goes through this phase, the overwhelming responsibility, realising that it's just unrelenting. Some people are just affected quicker than others that's all.

I've never been interested in a girls night out since having children, I been on a couple but it doesn't interest me now.