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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that I must be the only mum in the country who's never had a night off?

255 replies

VondaRedbush · 21/11/2015 18:28

DS is 2.4 and I've not had a night out/off since he was born. I recently had a milestone birthday and was only able to go out for lunch with DH. Everyone else I know of has, for their birthdays, been out for meals/drinking or gone on whole weekends away.

(The reason I've not had a night/evening off is that I'm the only one who can get DS to bed - he's still breastfed AND we co sleep. I'm becoming more and more fed up with it but can't see a way out. )

So, am I really the only mum to never ever get an evening off??? I'm starting to feel so isolated and socially inept .

OP posts:

Salene · 21/11/2015 19:10

Nope my friend hasn't had one in 6 years , she has twins and another one all close in age and no one to baby sit

RachelZoe · 21/11/2015 19:14

These sorts of posts always frustrate me because of the extreme degree of martyrdom that so often seems to accompany extended bf and co sleeping

Quite.

OhNoWhatAmIGoingToDoNow · 21/11/2015 19:14

My DS is 2.5 and I haven't had a night off since he was born either. C'est la vie.

Fairenuff · 21/11/2015 19:16

I don't understand why you can't still go out in the evening. Plenty of people put their children to bed first and go out once they're asleep.

witsender · 21/11/2015 19:16

I carried on feeding DS until he was 3.5, but stopped feeding him to sleep at about the stage you are at. It took a few nights of DH putting him go bed while I took the dog out and he was cross, but safely cuddled by his dad so I wasn't too worried. It doesn't have to be all or nothing, you can still feed at any other time if you want to, just help him learn to go to sleep without you.

DS still sleeps with us half the night too, despite have stopped feeding a few months ago.

53rdAndBird · 21/11/2015 19:17

I breastfeed and co-sleep with my 1.5-year-old and have had nights off. If I'm around she'll want me to settle her, but if she knows I'm not around she'll go to sleep without me. Suggest you try it - your DS might surprise you!

BondJayneBond · 21/11/2015 19:18

DS2 is 2.2 yrs and still breastfeeding, although we don't co-sleep with him.

If I am home in the evening, he won't settle to bed for anyone but me, and has a breastfeed as part of his bedtime routine. Occasionally I go out in the evening, so am out at bedtime. When I'm out, he goes through the usual bath story bed routine and then settles to sleep. If he demands milk when I'm out, he gets given a bottle of cows milk. I was nervous about leaving him at bedtime the first time, but he and DH coped fine without me when they had to.

Breastfeeding a 2 year old does not mean you have to be confined to the house every night. If you want to continue breastfeeding, and also want the occasional night out, then try changing the rest of the bedtime routine before deciding that the breastfeeding has to go.

TheExMotherInLaw · 21/11/2015 19:18

My first night off was when ds was 2.5 - I got upset, and stayed overnight at my sister's. Apart from a few nights when I was in hospital I think it was about another 12 years, when I stayed over for a family funeral - had to hurry back, as ds fell and broke a bone in his foot. First time dh and I went away without kids ds had left home, dd was about 17.

bigmouthstrikesagain · 21/11/2015 19:21

Poor op. Breastfeeding and co sleeping are not the problem. I did both till my kids were 2 or 3. They can definitely be trained to fall asleep themselves and in their on beds unless there is an SN involved. Even then my two eldest are ASD, co slept and breastfed til well over 2 and they were perfectly able to sleep in their own rooms when we wanted them to. There are different methods and it depends on the child but even when I was still co sleeping I went away for a night or two and the kids were fine with their Nan. Eh if he couldn't get a dc to bed would let them stay with him downstairs til they conked out if I was out for the evening, no big deal. It is only a problem if you make it one. Not like a 2 yo has to get up for school so if they have a late night once in a while it is not a problem.

anastaisia · 21/11/2015 19:22

We co-sleep and I breastfeed till the children wean in their own time.

It doesn't have to stop you from having time away if you want to do that. When I was feeding dd1 I was able to have a weekend away and she coped with my mum just fine and then resumed feeding when I was back. I haven't had more than very late nights out with dd2 yet

ToftMum · 21/11/2015 19:23

I don't think you've made a rod for your own back, you did what worked at the time. But it sounds as though it's no longer working for you, so maybe time to change.

Whatever you do to wean off breast/co-sleeping (like every other stage of development) it will seem like a nightmare before you do it, it will be difficult for about five minutes as long as you stand firm with your chosen method of weaning and then hey presto, you'll be out in the pub with your mates in time for xmas.

Good luck!

frumpet · 21/11/2015 19:24

I am sure you could have a night off , yes your DS might be a bit stressed by having his routine messed with , but he could easily survive 24 hours , now all you need to do is find someone who is willing to have him

gamerchick · 21/11/2015 19:25

I don't understand, have you tried?

I co slept and breastfed until 3 1/2 and I still managed nights out. You have to let go of the reigns and allow other people to settle him. It won't do him any harm and your milk won't dry up overnight.

Time to start loosening the strings mama, this is all you.

anastaisia · 21/11/2015 19:26

Sorry, hit post accidentally while still typing!

I do have to accept that when I'm out bedtime looks very different to when I'm in - if my mum has them they get to stay up later and often all watch a movie in bed together and the toddler falls asleep when she does. But they cope just fine with lots of cuddles and we usually have an early night the next evening.

gamerchick · 21/11/2015 19:26

Well I co slept until 7ish it's fine once you've made the shift in your head. Your bairn won't self destruct without you

BalaRua · 21/11/2015 19:28

I've never had a night off but ds is only 6 months

This is through choice because I don't want to leave him but I could if I wanted

Enjolrass · 21/11/2015 19:28

I just don't get why people create these situations and moan about it.

You may not get to go out but there are other positives to what you have done. No parent situation is win win for all parties all the time.

I co slept with dd until she was two and wanted her own bed. I loved it.

Ds would never settle in our bed, even as a new born. I feel I have missed out on that. But he is a much better sleeper than dd ever was.

Make a start on making changes if your are desperate for a night out

TimeToMuskUp · 21/11/2015 19:30

I BF and co-slept with both DCs and managed nights out. I think it's a case of simply saying to them "Mummy will be back soon" and letting DH/OH/MIL/Babysitter get on with it.

I don't think BF or co-sleeping is the issue here at all. It's the fact that you've spent two and half years allowing DS to rely entirely upon you for bedtime. For us, bedtime is shared. DH works away often so when he is here he's keen to take over (and I'm thrilled to sit on the sofa drinking wine while he wrestles the little one into pyjamas like a drunk octopus). Let other people help out and offer your DS some support. It won't lessen his bond with you one bit; my youngest is practically in love with MIL, his Nanna. It is gorgeous to see him love and rely upon another person for love.

Lilipot15 · 21/11/2015 19:31

I think everyone is being a bit harsh on you OP. You have been doing what works for you and your family. But if you are feeling you need a break soon, work towards it. I can't help you with how to stop the BFing and cosleeping at this age but others will have good advice.
And don't worry, there are plenty of folk who don't have a fab social life. I skim over those glossy photos on Facebook of folk out (and laughed inside at some new mum recently who told me she "only stayed out till midnight for cocktails" as she was tired.....mwhahaha, I'd make it till about 9pm!!)

KeepOnMoving1 · 21/11/2015 19:32

Oh fgs stop the martyrdom and you will get a night off.

Only1scoop · 21/11/2015 19:34

Blimey what a miserable existence.

Sounds like you are mother to a ball and chain not a human.

I'd sort it and quickly.

megletthesecond · 21/11/2015 19:36

Just to echo saukkos comment about never getting a break 'It's insanity-inducing'. As a totally lp for 7yrs I can back this up.

Nothing wrong with bf and co- sleeping Says the person who did Gina ford but you need to gradually make changes so you can go out for at least a couple of hours. He won't starve without as many evening bfs, but your mental and physical health is going to suffer if you don't get more time to yourself.

Narp · 21/11/2015 19:39

Hmm

First post. About extended bf and co sleeping. On Aibu

Only1scoop · 21/11/2015 19:39

ExitStageLeft · 21/11/2015 19:40

To be honest, this whole situation sounds horrendous. How does your DH feel being incapable of settling his own child?

This really is a situation you have entirely created, but obviously you did it with good intentions. There are clearly millions of health benefits of breastfeeding, and you should do it for as long as you want - however from your OP it is clear you do want to stop. So stop. It's not going to happen overnight but you are not resigned to the situation, you can change it. You and your DS must be so tired, it can't be quality sleep either of you are getting. As with all children, he must be taught how to settle himself and in his own bed. This is going to take time but it always does, you've just unnecessarily prolonged it. What do you think other Mums do? Chuck the baby in a cot, switch the light off and head off down Whetherspoons?

If you always do things the way you've always done them, you'll only ever get the same result.

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