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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to get married but have no intention of living together?

258 replies

SpongebobCirclePants · 21/11/2015 11:13

This is an unusual one, I fully expect judgement and flaming but there's always good advice amongst the pearl clutchers so I'm just going for it.

My partner and I have been together 16 years, we have two children together.

During these 16 years we have learned that we don't do well living together. I very much need my space and he seems happy with that, except he's talking about marriage.

The thought is giving me palpitations.
Quite honestly I absolutely love the idea of marrying him but the thought of living with another adult makes me feel instantly stressed.

This morning though, my mum pointed out that marriage doesn't have to mean living together.

This sounds pretty amazing and I'll have to discuss this with my partner but I have some worries.

For example, will it totally screw our kids up? Two parents that love each other, married but don't live together?! Would we be screwing with their future relationships? As far as our children go, me and their dad are just friends, I've been very very careful there. I've been so worried about it affecting them that I've made it as black and white as I can.

Secondly, I work full time and so does my partner. He has a flat which he rents, and loves.
I have a great flat which I also rent but because my job is a vocation and not something you do for money I get paid little and have housing benefit to help me with rent.

If we married and didn't live together how does that work? I don't want to seem as though I'm trying to screw the system for more money.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Rinoachicken · 21/11/2015 16:32

*fed up of being

Branleuse · 21/11/2015 16:40

or they might actually love each other and have found a way to make the relationship work without either of them going nuts

Rinoachicken · 21/11/2015 16:41

If everything's rosy why the thread on MN?

VagueIdeas · 21/11/2015 16:44

But if the only way the relationship can work is to live separately, then I reckon there's something fundamentally wrong.

Rinoachicken · 21/11/2015 16:45

I would also not have even considered having two kids with a man I couldn't stand to live with

Original poster
SpongebobCirclePants · 21/11/2015 17:18

My post wasn't angry in the slightest. This thread has amused me greatly and given me advise.

And of course the change in benefit was the deciding factor. If they stop the HB then I can't pay all my rent. So Id be buggered.

That isn't about fleecing the system, that's about making an informed decision about keeping a roof over my children's head which is more important than me marrying their father.

Bran and others, thank you for seeing the actual truth of the matter and not what people want to see.

I find it ironic that my thread has caused such outrage yet I was accused of being angry.

Anyway I'm off to get ready to go out with my partner who I don't like living with.

Thanks for the advice, and all the pearl clutchers thanks for the amusement.

Grin Flowers

OP posts:
LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 21/11/2015 17:29

So you aren't going to answer about the ages?

I wasn't pearl clutching. I just think, if the older child is old enough to have worked stuff out, sneaking around behind his/her back is shitty behaviour almost guaranteed to make them feel insecure.

As for the rest of it, do what makes you happy.

Original poster
SpongebobCirclePants · 21/11/2015 17:46

I told him tonight we were going out on a date and his eyes popped out his head and it took a while to sink in so he hadn't worked anything out.

And no, I've no intention of giving you his age. I've revealed far too much already.

OP posts:
LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 21/11/2015 17:54

So he's a teen then...

Well good, you seem to have got away with it. Good on you for finally being honest.

Waitingfordolly · 21/11/2015 17:56

I think the advice you've been given about housing benefit is wrong. The tax credits guidance is completely separate and administered through HMRC not the local authority. I was a housing benefit officer years ago and the rules then were that either people needed to live in the same household or if separated intending to return to the household within 52 weeks, neither of which applies to you - check this out with Citizens Advice or another advice centre. You might want to check what will happen when Universal Credit comes in.

I lived apart from my DD's dad for a bit, didn't work for us as I was doing all the work and he was behaving like a teenager! But I'd go for it if I was happy with the situation. Good luck!

Waitingfordolly · 21/11/2015 17:58

Just read my post back and to clarify to be treated as a couple you need to either live together or only be separated temporarily so you should be fine claiming as a single person - but still check!

Original poster
SpongebobCirclePants · 21/11/2015 18:03

Thank you waitingfordolly that's really helpful.

libraries how the actual fuck have you managed to get to him 'being a teenager'?!

That pretty much represents most of the replies on this thread, people are making totally wrong assumptions because they don't like reading something that differs from the norm.

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 21/11/2015 18:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

derxa · 21/11/2015 18:07

they don't like reading something that differs from the norm. I think most people do like to read about something that differs from the norm.

RiverTam · 21/11/2015 18:14

Is there no way you can pool your resources and get a really big house? Because that could be a workable solution? Separate rooms, bathrooms, more than one living area etc.

Helmetbymidnight · 21/11/2015 18:16

You genuinely think you're doing something radical? Grin
Wow.

You're just playing the system, that's all.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 21/11/2015 18:17

I couldn't give a flying fuck how anyone lives their personal life amongst consenting adults.

All I have ever said is that lying to kids is wrong.

Which you already knew.

My comment about age was a guess based on your other statements and your resolute refusal to answer. If that guess was wrong, I apologise.

nooka · 21/11/2015 18:23

People are making assumptions because you are being oddly vague OP. There isn't nearly enough info on this thread to identify you and giving the rough age of you older child will not cause any issues either. There really is no point in asking for advice and then getting snippy if people ask questions, or being vague and then getting pissed off because people make assumptions.

I separated from my dh when my children were a little older than your younger child. We lived in two separate households (no benefits or financial support between us as we did 50:50). After a while we started dating as well as coparenting. It made our children happy because we spent more time as a family together, and children like their families all together. Of course they also like their families not to be full of conflict too, so there is a juggling act going on for those of us in unconventional relationships. For us for that while living separately worked best.

What is very unclear in any of your posts is why you are even thinking about getting married. You appear to have only just broken up, and it doesn't sound like you have any intention of getting back together beyond possibly a few dates. That you are hiding these from your children suggests to me that you have a lot of issues to resolve with your ex and in no way should be thinking about getting married. I'd be concerned less about your children in this and more about your ex. It sounds as if he is hoping that you showing romantic/sexual interest might be a sign that you might want him back in your life properly, that he wants to be together again as a family. If not why is he suggesting it?

arethereanyleftatall · 21/11/2015 18:48

Eh? So you are withholding their ages, whilst simultaneously being snippy with a poster who got the age wrong.

You have been incredibly snippy throughout this thread.

I do agree with you that you'd be difficult to live with.

Wagglebees · 21/11/2015 18:49

Kitty Who do you think you are calling me "dearie"? Confused

Rumplestiltskin? Grin

I was merely asking for clarification. I realise this thread may have hit a nerve with you and your two crappy marriages but try not to take it so personally. Love.

BolshierAryaStark · 21/11/2015 19:14

I think it's wierd, sorry. You had DC with someone you can't stand to live with & said DC think you're friends?
Stop lying to the DC, it's unfair in them & tbh they'll probably think you're batshit crazy when they get old enough to understand Hmm
We'd all happily move DH/DP out once in a while but permanently? Just no. You don't love him so don't marry him.

BolshierAryaStark · 21/11/2015 19:15

To them, not in them-obv.

stoppingbywoods · 21/11/2015 19:56

Strange that you asked for opinions and proceed to wipe the floor (rudely) with people who don't have opinions that you like.

If your DH really truly knew that he would be in this arrangement when he was seventy, having lived apart from his children and a life alone for all that time, I wonder if he'd choose to stay with you. He should have that choice - you need to let him know exactly where he stands. And you owe it to the children to be honest with them. And be prepared to see them trying similar arrangements (don't know if they'll be as lucky as you though!).

By all means, keep this up if you choose to and there's a man to go along with it. But make sure everyone has a choice.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 21/11/2015 20:15

I think the worst and weirdest part here is that you are considering marriage whilst your kids still believe you are just friends. That's not ok. If you want to tell your kids you're back together then do - the fact that you haven't yet suggests you aren't sure it's permanent, in which case you would be fucking insane to get married.
Sort out your relationship status before thinking about marriage.

VestalVirgin · 21/11/2015 20:39

Marry or don't marry, but your mother is right, there's no reason why you should have to move in with a man. It is/was not even done in all cultures.

Though I think your children should know who fathered them (if they don't, didn't read the whole thread), and maybe you should also tell them about your relationship status.
It would be rather bad if they found out accidentally.