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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to get married but have no intention of living together?

258 replies

SpongebobCirclePants · 21/11/2015 11:13

This is an unusual one, I fully expect judgement and flaming but there's always good advice amongst the pearl clutchers so I'm just going for it.

My partner and I have been together 16 years, we have two children together.

During these 16 years we have learned that we don't do well living together. I very much need my space and he seems happy with that, except he's talking about marriage.

The thought is giving me palpitations.
Quite honestly I absolutely love the idea of marrying him but the thought of living with another adult makes me feel instantly stressed.

This morning though, my mum pointed out that marriage doesn't have to mean living together.

This sounds pretty amazing and I'll have to discuss this with my partner but I have some worries.

For example, will it totally screw our kids up? Two parents that love each other, married but don't live together?! Would we be screwing with their future relationships? As far as our children go, me and their dad are just friends, I've been very very careful there. I've been so worried about it affecting them that I've made it as black and white as I can.

Secondly, I work full time and so does my partner. He has a flat which he rents, and loves.
I have a great flat which I also rent but because my job is a vocation and not something you do for money I get paid little and have housing benefit to help me with rent.

If we married and didn't live together how does that work? I don't want to seem as though I'm trying to screw the system for more money.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Mayvis · 21/11/2015 20:44

I don't understand how someone can legitimately claim benefits that they're only entitled to based on them being a single parent, whilst having a sexual (presumably exclusive) long term relationship with the father of their children. Surely you're not single regardless of where he lives?!

He's not some random fuck buddy is he? He's someone you are committed to. You're a partnership just not cohabiting.

mileend2bermondsey · 21/11/2015 20:47

This

Ilovetorrentialrain · 21/11/2015 20:55

OP I'm astonished at some of the closed minded comments in here just because you are considering / mulling over a set up which is non-conventional.

I am in a similar situation myself and have never said this out loud but committed relationship with separat houses (or as you say huge house where you don't get under each other's feet/don't have to even share a bedroom unless you chose to) sounds like LIVING THE DREAM!

I appreciate its not the norm by a long long way but sounds very healthy to me, especially if the ) a both partners feel exactly the same (crucial) and b) the children understand and move regularly between both houses so both are home to them.

All the best to you and your partner.

stopfaffing · 21/11/2015 21:07

OP. I think your kids would accept your living arrangements if you lived separately after marriage,it will be normal for them (and no ones business).

My only issue is with claiming benefits and it is here I think you should pool your resources once married and fund both homes with your joint income, if that makes sense as you are living separately together. Anything else and people may accuse you of playing the system.

Bluecheese22 · 21/11/2015 21:08

I think it sounds like a really sad situation for your children and your 'partner' because of your selfish needs.

Helmetbymidnight · 21/11/2015 21:14

just because you are considering / mulling over a set up which is non-conventional.

Really? You think that's why people are objecting? You sound as deluded as the OP. And that's saying something.

Patapouf · 21/11/2015 21:19

Getting married sounds like a fucking terrible idea.

Do you think you perhaps quite fancy the idea of getting married OP but don't really want to be married? I don't think it's very good for your DCs either TBH, sorry.

I do think it's a little strange for you to be thinking about marriage when you row and argue so much that you can't even live together.

I like the idea of having my own space separate from DH, but that's because we have different tidiness levels and different style of home decor not because I can't live with him!!

BeverlyGoldberg · 21/11/2015 21:24

Get married is my advice, the wonderfully generous tax payer will continue to fund both your housing benefits to support two houses when some working families can't even afford one. Beautiful.

In fact, we'll set up a crowd fund and pay for the wedding too.

hoopityhoopla · 21/11/2015 21:27

why would you even want to marry him?! Serious question

MistressMerryWeather · 21/11/2015 21:31

The OP works full-time Beverly.

BeverlyGoldberg · 21/11/2015 21:33

Never said she didn't.

MistressMerryWeather · 21/11/2015 21:33

So why mention working families?

BeverlyGoldberg · 21/11/2015 21:37

Because I can't be arsed with people who take the piss and play the system.

I've expressed my opinion, I'm not getting into a mini bun fight with you. Move on.

Only1scoop · 21/11/2015 21:40

Why bother?

Ilovetorrentialrain · 21/11/2015 21:41

Helmet please explain your comment? I don't know what you mean.

MistressMerryWeather · 21/11/2015 21:42

No mini bun fight.

I strongly suspect you missed the part where OP said she worked full-time though, because if you didn't your little rant has bugger all relevance to the OP. Strange.

It seems people are using this thread as an opportunity for a spot of benefit bashing. And why not, it's Saturday night.

Just don't be so shocked when you get called out on it.

Ilovetorrentialrain · 21/11/2015 21:42

Oh I wonder if you mean the people objecting because of housing benefits. Apologies if that's the case I wasn't really referring to them.

Helmetbymidnight · 21/11/2015 21:47

You called people 'close minded' and suggested they were objecting because of the 'unconventional nature of it'

I would say most people thought either:
She didn't sound keen on him
She's been lying to her kids
She's playing the system.
She'll lose benefits if she marries.

I doubt anyone finds this remotely unusual or unconventional at all.

BeverlyGoldberg · 21/11/2015 21:49

I'm not benefit bashing. She's blatantly taking the piss which is a drain on the resources for those in genuine need, with whom I have absolutely no issue.

ciele · 21/11/2015 21:50

Do you just want a big wedding?
And I think most long time marrieds would like separate houses..but can't afford it.
So, taken with your mention of HB I think you are taking the p....

Haffdonga · 21/11/2015 21:58

I wonder why so many posters believe it would be better for the OP and her dcs to be in an unhappy living situation with their dad in the same house amidst angst and arguments, rather than in what sounds like an extremely happy and well set up arrangement in separate homes, just so the tax payer saves a few quid. (It could potentially cost the tax payer far more in the future to unravel an unhappy marriage and resulting trauma for all involved, both parents and children, if they are forced together simply for financial reasons.) Confused

Forget the bloody HB. That is not what marriage is about.

OP - your set up now sounds good but fragile. You've been together, apart and are newly together again. You have dcs and have been through what must have been troubled times splitting up when you have a very young dc. Why on earth would marriage seem like a good idea?

So
Do you want the financial and legal security of marriage? (well you could have that by drawing up a legal agreement together without getting married.)
Do you want the emotional security and permanence of marriage? (well sorry, but marriage doesn't guarantee that even if you've shared the same bed for the last 20 years.)
Does the conventional set up appeal? (well then do the living together thing and work out the marriage bit later)
Do you want the big celebration and making your vows in front of you friends and family? (well, you can have a big celebration and make vows without the M word.)

Really, I can't find any reason or feeling in what you post that sounds like this would be a good idea for you at the moment or even in the future.

PontyGirl · 21/11/2015 22:00

Don't lie to the kids anymore

RubbleBubble00 · 21/11/2015 22:01

I've only skim read. I know another couple like this, they aren't married but have two children together and live in the same street. They don't live together well despite being on/off for years. They have accepted this now and keep separate houses - kids stay in both houses. They go round each other's houses for tea on set nights ect.

I don't think it's practical to get married but not live together esp if benefits are involved. Would it be practical to get a house with 4 bedrooms so you could both have a bathroom?

aprilanne · 21/11/2015 22:09

very strange to be honest .you tell the kids dad and i just friends but you want to marry him .you dont want to loose your housing benefit .yes this will muck up the kids minds .its only my opinion but its just plain wierd

Mari50 · 21/11/2015 22:27

I have to admit to living a similar situation to OP, partner and I have one DC, two houses (no HB though to keep everyone happy), we get on pretty well and have on occasion lived together but the truth is we drive each other crazy domestically - he is OCD neat and I am clean but messy. Which leads to loads of rows. So I have lots of sympathy with op re situation but despite the fact I don't see myself with anyone else I wouldn't marry him because it would make a mockery of marriage IMO. The fact that the children are unaware their parents have resumed their relationship is understandable but unfair if you are at the stage of considering marriage. Good luck with the mess!!

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