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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to get married but have no intention of living together?

258 replies

SpongebobCirclePants · 21/11/2015 11:13

This is an unusual one, I fully expect judgement and flaming but there's always good advice amongst the pearl clutchers so I'm just going for it.

My partner and I have been together 16 years, we have two children together.

During these 16 years we have learned that we don't do well living together. I very much need my space and he seems happy with that, except he's talking about marriage.

The thought is giving me palpitations.
Quite honestly I absolutely love the idea of marrying him but the thought of living with another adult makes me feel instantly stressed.

This morning though, my mum pointed out that marriage doesn't have to mean living together.

This sounds pretty amazing and I'll have to discuss this with my partner but I have some worries.

For example, will it totally screw our kids up? Two parents that love each other, married but don't live together?! Would we be screwing with their future relationships? As far as our children go, me and their dad are just friends, I've been very very careful there. I've been so worried about it affecting them that I've made it as black and white as I can.

Secondly, I work full time and so does my partner. He has a flat which he rents, and loves.
I have a great flat which I also rent but because my job is a vocation and not something you do for money I get paid little and have housing benefit to help me with rent.

If we married and didn't live together how does that work? I don't want to seem as though I'm trying to screw the system for more money.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Rinoachicken · 21/11/2015 14:56

But OP I was talking about their time with EACH OTHER, not you and their dad.

Have you ever actually asked him and them how they feel? Do you KNOW how he feels about not being allowed to live with his kids? Not allowed to put them to bed, share breakfast, just be in the same house?!

Or don't their feelings matter at all?

Seem to me the problem here is you, it's all about what YOU want and sod everyone else.

You can't stand him enough to let him share a house with his own children but you can stand him enough for a shag? I think you need to take a long hard look in the mirror.

Original poster
SpongebobCirclePants · 21/11/2015 15:03

its all about what you want and sod everyone else

I really think you need to read my original post.

Or perhaps all of them?

OP posts:
Rinoachicken · 21/11/2015 15:08

I have RTFT thanks. You haven't answered my question - how does their dad feel about not being allowed to live with his own kids?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/11/2015 15:13

It's in the OP, actually:
"During these 16 years we have learned that we don't do well living together. I very much need my space and he seems happy with that, except he's talking about marriage."

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 21/11/2015 15:14

I can understand not wanting to live together and see marriage is not relevant now anyway financially.

But I think you need to start being honest with the kids. Aside from anything else, you can Co parent better if you are not sneaking around.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/11/2015 15:14

Perhaps I should have bolded this bit:
he seems happy with that

Rinoachicken · 21/11/2015 15:16

Seems happy? So the OP has assumed it have they actually had a conversation about it?

Rinoachicken · 21/11/2015 15:16

*or have they

Rinoachicken · 21/11/2015 15:17

And most of those 16 years he 'seemed' happy with it were pre-children

Original poster
SpongebobCirclePants · 21/11/2015 15:18

Thank you Thumb

And I agree with you Libraries. I can see that now.

OP posts:
witsender · 21/11/2015 15:19

Seems happy with that...has the question been asked? Is he asking to get married cause he wants to be closer? Is he prepared to step in financially to bridge any shortfall when HB was lost? Would moving to a cheaper area where a bigger house would be more affordable be possible?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/11/2015 15:19

Just make it up as you go along, why don't you, Rino. The OP was living with her DP - it caused them to split up a couple of years ago - hence her reluctance to go back to that situation.

FFS.

mileend2bermondsey · 21/11/2015 15:20

If you want to get married, do it. In the meantime get a job that actually supports your second home.

YesterdayOnceMore · 21/11/2015 15:22

If you love each other, are in a proper and strong relationship and want to get married, yet want to keep separate homes, then good for you - go for it.

Except:

You don't seem to be in a strong and proper relationship. You seem to be at the start of seeing if your relationship can work again after having split up. Such early stages that you haven't even discussed how the future would work. You don't sound as if you love him in the romantic sense- he does sound like a friend you have sex with but keep separate from. That is not a good basis for marriage.

Secondly, you cannot afford to get married and keep two homes. Therefore your choice is either to stay single or to get married and live together.

Thirdly, you are lieing to your children. You tell them your father is just a friend. If he is, then why are you having sex with him? If he is not, and you are in a relationship, then you are lying to the children. if you haven't sorted out the basics of whether you are in a relationship or not, then you are a million miles away from the point where you should be considering marriage.

And fourthly, it sounds like this man might want more from the relationship than you. Are you stringing him along? If you can't even have a proper discussion about this... I too would worry about what happens in the future where you discover someone you really love. That would be cruel both on your children and their poor father.

Original poster
SpongebobCirclePants · 21/11/2015 15:22

This is getting daft.

I didn't say we lived apart all these 16 years.

And yes he seems happy, I'd have thought he would have told me otherwise.
In fact, I did suggest trying again in one mad moment and he didn't seem to relish the idea.

I understand that this difficult for people to comprehend, but what I don't understand is the anger it seems to be creating on here and the want to make me out as some shit mother who gives no crap about her children's wellbeing, who wants to commit benefit fraud and doesn't care if the father sees his kids.

If you actually read my original post this is exactly opposite to what I want/care about.

Just because I'm different from the norm does not make me a monster.

OP posts:
Rinoachicken · 21/11/2015 15:23

I'm not making anything up - I just want to OP to answer a simple question!! Has she actually asked him if he's happy to never live in the same house as his kids?

Because I can't imagine many parents would be happy to be a f**kbuddy and money pot for the mothers convenience but not be allowed to share their children's home?

Rinoachicken · 21/11/2015 15:23

Thankyou for answering my question.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/11/2015 15:25

Yes, you are. You've made a massive assumption that most of the years when the OP and her DP lived apart were pre-children. The OP hasn't said that at all, therefore you're making it up.

Original poster
SpongebobCirclePants · 21/11/2015 15:26

Yes I'll just end my career of caring for sick children because I can't live with my partner but love him and have considered marriage. Hmm

His home is not my second home.

And my job is a vocation, it doesn't mean I don't do a fucking good job. Because I do, the only downside is the crap pay.

OP posts:
Rinoachicken · 21/11/2015 15:28

During these 16 years we have learned that we don't do well living together.

Her oldest child is 4.

Therefore most of their relationship has been without children

Original poster
SpongebobCirclePants · 21/11/2015 15:30

My YOUNGEST is 4.

OP posts:
mileend2bermondsey · 21/11/2015 15:32

If you are married couple who have two homes, you have a second home, by definition. Wish I was rich enough, or shameless enough to play the system like you do, to I afford two houses.

Rinoachicken · 21/11/2015 15:33

And your eldest?

Original poster
SpongebobCirclePants · 21/11/2015 15:35

Oh dear, somebody else who hasn't read my Original Post.

I DONT want to fleece the system. That's part of the point of me posting this thread.

And er, I don't mean to patronise you but it seems I'm going to have to point out the obvious - I'm not actually married. And nor am even engaged.

If you had read my original post properly, you would know this.

OP posts:
P1nkP0ppy · 21/11/2015 15:35

Separate houses sound great to me, if only we could afford it Grin
If everyone's s happy with that then why not? Better two happy children and parents than a very miserable single household.
We've got friends who've been happily 'married apart' for the past 18 years, the children cheerfully move between them and for them it works. They agree that it wouldn't suit many perhaps.