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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to get married but have no intention of living together?

258 replies

SpongebobCirclePants · 21/11/2015 11:13

This is an unusual one, I fully expect judgement and flaming but there's always good advice amongst the pearl clutchers so I'm just going for it.

My partner and I have been together 16 years, we have two children together.

During these 16 years we have learned that we don't do well living together. I very much need my space and he seems happy with that, except he's talking about marriage.

The thought is giving me palpitations.
Quite honestly I absolutely love the idea of marrying him but the thought of living with another adult makes me feel instantly stressed.

This morning though, my mum pointed out that marriage doesn't have to mean living together.

This sounds pretty amazing and I'll have to discuss this with my partner but I have some worries.

For example, will it totally screw our kids up? Two parents that love each other, married but don't live together?! Would we be screwing with their future relationships? As far as our children go, me and their dad are just friends, I've been very very careful there. I've been so worried about it affecting them that I've made it as black and white as I can.

Secondly, I work full time and so does my partner. He has a flat which he rents, and loves.
I have a great flat which I also rent but because my job is a vocation and not something you do for money I get paid little and have housing benefit to help me with rent.

If we married and didn't live together how does that work? I don't want to seem as though I'm trying to screw the system for more money.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/11/2015 15:36

'kinell! Head, meet wall. Wall, head.

You're doing well Spongebob GrinThanks

mileend2bermondsey · 21/11/2015 15:37

Ive read the OP and TFT. I my post 15:32 was based on what you are planning to do, you know the subject of your AIBU?

FS, you are currently fleecing the system, to get married would just be taking the piss.

TaliZorah · 21/11/2015 15:40

She isn't fleecing the system at all

mileend2bermondsey · 21/11/2015 15:44

How so? Expecting the gov to fund her second home because she doesnt care to share her space with her partner?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/11/2015 15:47

it's not her second home

TaliZorah · 21/11/2015 15:47

It's not a second home.

derxa · 21/11/2015 15:50

Do have some Flowers

Cleansheetsandbedding · 21/11/2015 15:51

If you had really wanted to marry him you'd have done it regardless if you lost your HB. Do you claim tax credits too? If you did I bet those would go too.

It does seem slightly that both of you are playing the system.

Branleuse · 21/11/2015 15:54

If you arent married and have never been married to a person, you arent obliged to start living with them, even if you do claim a social security benefit. That is not benefit fraud to NOT LIVE WITH someone.

If they were secretly living together then it would be, but they are not. They live seperatly. They are just shagging, which is perfectly legal to do. Even people on benefits are legally allowed to shag each other without it meaning they are commiting fraud by not settling down and moving in.

FFS, some posters here are thick

TaliZorah · 21/11/2015 15:56

Bran Grin

Rafflesway · 21/11/2015 16:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mileend2bermondsey · 21/11/2015 16:01

I didnt at any point say she is/would be commiting benefit fraud, I said she is/would be fleecing/playing the system. I don't think the system is set up pay for peeople who dont really fancy living with their husbands to have another house.

mileend2bermondsey · 21/11/2015 16:03

But I'm thick so what do I know?

TaliZorah · 21/11/2015 16:07

So if you're in a relationship and claiming benefits you have to live with the person? Confused

Branleuse · 21/11/2015 16:08

its a shame that her full time job caring for sick children doesnt pay a living wage then isnt it, which is more the issue. People still need to do those jobs even if they need a government top up to do it.

Shes not lounging about on her arse

mileend2bermondsey · 21/11/2015 16:10

Yep thats exactly what I'm saying. Hmm Big difference between your simplified version and the OP.

Cleansheetsandbedding · 21/11/2015 16:10

bran so what's the point of a wedding if they just shagging? Opposing posters are not thick they just see it from a different persepective.

Would you still get a tax break if your a married couple but don't live with each other?

Op I think you should just get rid, spend some time on your own and meet some one fresh who you actually like. Your not in love with this guy so what the point in you wanting to shackle yourself to him?

Branleuse · 21/11/2015 16:14

Shes already decided not to marry him. It was her dp that wanted to get married really, not her.

There would be absolutely no point marrying someone you couldnt live with, but it isnt benefit fraud, or even particularly playing the system to not live with someone that youre not married to

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 21/11/2015 16:14

Hang on OP, how old is your elder child?

I assumed when you said your youngest was 4 and you'd been careful they didn't know that the elder one was only a bit older.

But your angry reaction to the idea that it had been a childless relationship for most of the 16 years suggests your elder child might be older?

If your older child is a teen then get the fuck on and explain the situation to him/her. Because there is a good chance they either know, or have suspicions. No matter how careful you think you have been. My friend knew for years that her father was having an affair (before her mum did). She never let on to her parents, but we all knew she knew. Obviously yours isn't an affair, but sneaking around behind the back of a teenager is very hard to do well and very destructive if they guess.

Janeymoo50 · 21/11/2015 16:15

I think it's weird personally. Feel a bit sorry for the kids. But hey, each to their own.

Rinoachicken · 21/11/2015 16:17

Yep libraries thank you

Cleansheetsandbedding · 21/11/2015 16:21

No bran that's not true. Go and read her first post. Also op made her mind up when she read the link some on posted with info regarding HB. That was the deciding factor.

VagueIdeas · 21/11/2015 16:22

It sounds like you want to get married but you don't want to have a marriage. And that's fair enough, I guess, if it suits you both.

I do think it's weird though. If you can't live together without wanting to kill each other, is your relationship really that healthy and stable and loving? Because most couples who love and respect each other usually enjoy living together and raising their family under one roof.

Branleuse · 21/11/2015 16:24

which tbf, is pretty sensible in the circs

Rinoachicken · 21/11/2015 16:31

It's called having your cake and eating it. OP doesnt want him to live with her but she doesnt want him to be with anyone else either, because he's a handy partner when she feels like it.

If I was the dad I'd be fed up of beignets taken for a ride, and I'd find someone who actually wanted to share their life with me and make concrete access arrangements with my kids.

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