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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to get married but have no intention of living together?

258 replies

SpongebobCirclePants · 21/11/2015 11:13

This is an unusual one, I fully expect judgement and flaming but there's always good advice amongst the pearl clutchers so I'm just going for it.

My partner and I have been together 16 years, we have two children together.

During these 16 years we have learned that we don't do well living together. I very much need my space and he seems happy with that, except he's talking about marriage.

The thought is giving me palpitations.
Quite honestly I absolutely love the idea of marrying him but the thought of living with another adult makes me feel instantly stressed.

This morning though, my mum pointed out that marriage doesn't have to mean living together.

This sounds pretty amazing and I'll have to discuss this with my partner but I have some worries.

For example, will it totally screw our kids up? Two parents that love each other, married but don't live together?! Would we be screwing with their future relationships? As far as our children go, me and their dad are just friends, I've been very very careful there. I've been so worried about it affecting them that I've made it as black and white as I can.

Secondly, I work full time and so does my partner. He has a flat which he rents, and loves.
I have a great flat which I also rent but because my job is a vocation and not something you do for money I get paid little and have housing benefit to help me with rent.

If we married and didn't live together how does that work? I don't want to seem as though I'm trying to screw the system for more money.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

OP posts:
JCLNE · 21/11/2015 11:35

Did he ask you to move in together with him, too? Why does he want to get married? Why do you?

I don't understand your angst about "screwing up the children". If you've already lived like this for 16 years, what do you think would be different if you got married but continued to live like before? Do you think your children would actually care whether or not you're legally married? Why would they?

Original poster
SpongebobCirclePants · 21/11/2015 11:36

No Piper I've been very careful about that as I said up thread.

The thing is, it's been 16 years so we aren't all romantic and staring into each other's eyes now. We have comfortable love, not so much of the lustful love.

OP posts:
PiperChapstick · 21/11/2015 11:36

But that's cool, let's carry on paying for the kids housing so dad doesn't have to.

Hmm

The Daily Mail website is that way.

He pays for the kids. People can pay for their kids AND get benefits you know. OP is doing nothing wrong she's claiming legally!

Original poster
SpongebobCirclePants · 21/11/2015 11:37

Ah so you want me to move him in then Helmet

Fuck the kids wellbeing, Helmets pissed off that I'm on HB. Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
SpongebobCirclePants · 21/11/2015 11:38

We haven't 'lived like this for 16 years'.

Have you read my posts?

OP posts:
PiperChapstick · 21/11/2015 11:41

In all seriousness OP you need to get legal advice re the HB, all sorts of misconceptions about HB fly about on MN!

drivingmisspotty · 21/11/2015 11:41

Fair enough you can't answer it, worth thinking about though? I ask because it is an ongoing conversation me and my DP have. I guess because we have got to two children without marrying as well (although we do live together). So now we ask 'what is the point?' Rather than just it being the next step in the traditional courtship, marriage, house, kids.... (Or even the more modern courtship, cohabiting, mortgage, marriage, kids...)

There are many good reasons to do it of course but I think it helps to be on same page or at least know what page the other partner is on. I was suspicious from your OP that your DP may see this as a way to living together again!

You are probably a lot more sorted than me so sorry if I patronise Flowers

KeepOnMoving1 · 21/11/2015 11:42

I think you have a bit of messed up situation. Lying to your kids is not on. And why bother marrying their father if they don't get the benefit of living with him?
I think it's really unfair on them.

ExConstance · 21/11/2015 11:42

Could you rent a bigger place together and have separate zones? Or find places to live next door?

Helmetbymidnight · 21/11/2015 11:43

She's claiming legally. It's a scam though isn't it. They want two houses- they actually can't afford two but hey ho- oh yes they can!

Op, don't get married, it won't be half so cushty.

drivingmisspotty · 21/11/2015 11:44

Many many cross posts, must type quicker!

Helmetbymidnight · 21/11/2015 11:45

Your hardly that worried about the kids well being if you just pretend their dad is a mate! That is peculiar.

Original poster
SpongebobCirclePants · 21/11/2015 11:46

Ok WRY lying to the kids. I haven't lied to them at all, I just didn't tell them we started having sex again.

Piper you are right, I would definitely have to check that out.

Driving yes you have definitely given me something to think about.

I don't have two houses helmet I have one flat.

OP posts:
PiperChapstick · 21/11/2015 11:46

It's a scam though isn't it.

No, it really isn't. Have you read the thread Helmet? Do you think they should live together in misery so the 'taxpayer' (which the OP and her DP both are coincidentally) saves a few quid? Or do you want the OP to hand her HB back and go hungry and cold? I don't understand what your point is

goodnightdarthvader1 · 21/11/2015 11:47

Unless you're supporting yourself completely I think the government would be interested to know why you've decided to marry this bloke but "can't" live with him for the vague reason that it will cause "merry hell" for the children.

Why on earth do you want to get married?

PiperChapstick · 21/11/2015 11:49

I think if you just see him as a friend with benefits then marriage is not right path for you. It sounds like he wants the whole traditional family thing though!

JCLNE · 21/11/2015 11:50

We haven't 'lived like this for 16 years'.

Apologies, I misunderstood, but then I think your OP was a bit misleading. You say you've been together for 16 years, and during that time you've worked out that it's living apart that suits you best.

But your subsequent posts suggest that you haven't actually been together for 16 years...you were together, then split up, moved apart, and you're now somewhere in the process of reconciling/getting back together, except you aren't really sure how far you'd take this reconciliation? You haven't told the kids you're back together, you don't actually want to move back together but would be OK with getting legally married...

...I think you need to work out what exactly your relationship status is at the moment, because until you're not sure yourself, you certainly can't decide how to present it to the kids and what, if any, steps to take for the future.

JeffsanArsehole · 21/11/2015 11:52

What's the point in getting married if you keep splitting up?

I would imagine keeping your housing benefit would be difficult if you got married.

KeepOnMoving1 · 21/11/2015 11:53

Is it In your kids best interest or yours that you don't live together as I simply can't see how marrying their father and not having him live with them is best for them?

Original poster
SpongebobCirclePants · 21/11/2015 11:53

This is so confusing.

I certainly don't see him as a friends with benefits though, I'd never insult him like that. He is far more. I just can't live with him.

If we had a huge house perhaps I'd be less ridiculous about it.

And I DO realise I sound ridiculous. It's certainly not how I planned it panning out that's for sure.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpongebobCirclePants · 21/11/2015 11:54

Perhaps it isn't best for them, this is what I'm trying to figure out.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 21/11/2015 11:54

How does it work with childcare? Does he do 50% of the child rearing or does he come along for the fun stuff and leave the hard work to you? I also think lying to your kids about the relationship is shit.

I agree with the others about getting advice about being married and claiming HB.

mommy2ash · 21/11/2015 11:55

I think it's a very fine line between claiming legally and this being a total scam. Legitimate single parents get questioned about all sorts if they begin to date someone and are often advised to move them in ASAP. I was once advised this myself even though this so called boyfriend did not exist. How can it be ok for someone to have a partner of 16 years and 2 children together looking towards marriage but still claim? Unless of course op has declared this relationship and set up and has officially been advised this is perfectly above board in which case my earlier comment doesn't stand

CorydonFrills · 21/11/2015 12:00

What were the things you didn't like about living with him?

You say it's you, but maybe it's really him Smile

PineappleParty · 21/11/2015 12:00

Would you tell your kids that your married or would you still be "friends" ? Confused