to want to get married but have no intention of living together?

[SpongebobCirclePants]

This is an unusual one, I fully expect judgement and flaming but there's always good advice amongst the pearl clutchers so I'm just going for it.

My partner and I have been together 16 years, we have two children together.

During these 16 years we have learned that we don't do well living together. I very much need my space and he seems happy with that, except he's talking about marriage.

The thought is giving me palpitations.
Quite honestly I absolutely love the idea of marrying him but the thought of living with another adult makes me feel instantly stressed.

This morning though, my mum pointed out that marriage doesn't have to mean living together.

This sounds pretty amazing and I'll have to discuss this with my partner but I have some worries.

For example, will it totally screw our kids up? Two parents that love each other, married but don't live together?! Would we be screwing with their future relationships? As far as our children go, me and their dad are just friends, I've been very very careful there. I've been so worried about it affecting them that I've made it as black and white as I can.

Secondly, I work full time and so does my partner. He has a flat which he rents, and loves.
I have a great flat which I also rent but because my job is a vocation and not something you do for money I get paid little and have housing benefit to help me with rent.

If we married and didn't live together how does that work? I don't want to seem as though I'm trying to screw the system for more money.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

People in happy conventional relationships should read this thread and be happy how uncomplicated their lives are. Believe me, there are weirdos like me who have ended up with nothing like we wanted.

Not sure I really want to wade into this slightly fucked up debate. But I will anyway and add my two penneth.

If the decision on whether or not to marry her DP, is resting heavily on whether or not the OP will lose her Hb, then I would suggest don't marry him. It doesn't matter whether she would or wouldn't lose her hb. It matters that the decision to marry is almost entirely financially based. Which is a pretty bad basis for a marriage in most cases.

I would also be very interested to know:
a) what the DP's thoughts and feelings are towards living separately from his dc, forever. I won't ask the op to provide this information as having RTFT I suspect she doesn't actually know.
b) how old the eldest dc is. Keeping the fact, from your 4yo, that you have started having sex again with their dad is one thing and I totally respect the need to tread carefully to ensure no further hurt is caused until the two of them (Op &DP) are sure where this relationship is going. If however the the eldest dc is old enough to have a more open conversation with, then deceiving them, IMO, is a very dangerous path to follow.
c) why the op finds her DP impossible to live with, and if it is just him specifically. Also if he finds the OP equally impossible to live with. Really curious about this actually.

SpongeBob, I will also say that you come across as being extremely defensive, some of your responses are needlessly obtuse and/or sarcastic. Some of the questions asked by pp's seem to be an attempt to better understand an unconventional situation, in order to comment or offer advice more constructively. The answers to those questions will affect they way ppl feel about the situation (for example how old all your dc are) and how they could or would advise you. By you being obtuse ppl are trying to fill in the gaps themselves, and you then accuse them of making assumptions - which they have to do in order to clarify their comment or viewpoint.

Sponge. . Married 10 years and a few months ago we decided we needed own space so sold one big house and bought 2 smaller ones that are a mile apart. It works v well for us. Child knows we need own space and accepts it. We see each other 4 times a week.

LAT (living apart together) is not actually that unusual op. Many couples married and unmarried do it. Although most are married first then decide to live separately.

However, I believe you should only marry someone if you truly love them, and if you have every intention of being with them forever (not saying you don't, you just haven't come across like you're that in love with him).

I do think it would complicate things unnecessarily for your children though and you obviously want to put them first. Maybe you like the idea of getting married more than you like the idea of marrying him?

I don't think you're looking to play the system. Plenty of people marry for financial reasons, you are entitled to not marry for financial reasons. Better to have parents who are happy living apart than miserable living together! Good luck whatever you decide.

OP, my domestic situation is similar so I'll enjoy reading the full thread. I started a thread on this a few weeks ago as I was interested if anyone else had done this, but got very little response apart from some carping from those who 'didn't get it '. My partner and I have separate flats in the same street (4 doors away) and a toddler son. We moved in together to his flat (renting mine out) just before our son was born 2.5 years ago, but have found it very difficult to live together. We are now living across the two flats, with our son having a bedroom in each and spending his time between the two flats. We are still together but have the separate space we need and our son doesn't have to live in a hostile environment. I understand, OP!

But Sunbeam are you now planning on getting married? To me that's the only strange bit in the OP. Couples finding they can't live together harmoniously and separating, not unusual. Couples choosing to live close together and co-parenting effectively, great. Much less common, and I'm not sure even applies in this case as the OP has said nothing about how much time her children spend with their dad. Separated couples then finding that they can have a good boyfriend/girlfriend type relationship alongside co-parenting is probably less usual again, but works for some (including me and dh for a while). Hiding that relationship from your children is I think a bit odd and likely to lead to problems, especially as children get older. If the environment is harmonious I think small children are happy to accept things as presented. 'Mum and Dad love each other but if we live together we argue so we decided it was best for everyone if we live apart' pretty much worked for us.

Generally speaking though getting married is about taking a step up in a relationship. If the status quo works and you have a history of things very much not working I'd not risk screwing it up for a party (it's not at all clear why the OP found the idea appealing).

Haven't read the whole thread but I would love to live apart from my husband if it was financially feasible. We aren't compatible as housemates.

Nooka, I agree with what you say. No , I would not contemplate marriage in this situation as I don't see it as appropriate. Also agree that the kids being kept in the dark is wrong; from what I understand though, this is a temporary thing while the OP and partner decide if they are going to be partners or friends. I agree that bringing marriage in at the point looks like too much at once. I think the relationship needs to be clarified and allowed to settle.