Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to get married but have no intention of living together?

258 replies

SpongebobCirclePants · 21/11/2015 11:13

This is an unusual one, I fully expect judgement and flaming but there's always good advice amongst the pearl clutchers so I'm just going for it.

My partner and I have been together 16 years, we have two children together.

During these 16 years we have learned that we don't do well living together. I very much need my space and he seems happy with that, except he's talking about marriage.

The thought is giving me palpitations.
Quite honestly I absolutely love the idea of marrying him but the thought of living with another adult makes me feel instantly stressed.

This morning though, my mum pointed out that marriage doesn't have to mean living together.

This sounds pretty amazing and I'll have to discuss this with my partner but I have some worries.

For example, will it totally screw our kids up? Two parents that love each other, married but don't live together?! Would we be screwing with their future relationships? As far as our children go, me and their dad are just friends, I've been very very careful there. I've been so worried about it affecting them that I've made it as black and white as I can.

Secondly, I work full time and so does my partner. He has a flat which he rents, and loves.
I have a great flat which I also rent but because my job is a vocation and not something you do for money I get paid little and have housing benefit to help me with rent.

If we married and didn't live together how does that work? I don't want to seem as though I'm trying to screw the system for more money.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

OP posts:
MissBattleaxe · 21/11/2015 13:11

I think your idea of getting married is very different to your idea of marriage.

In an earlier post you've said you're planning a date night to "see where this goes" yet you really want to marry him.

Marriage is supposed to be a mutual thing, of mutual support, not you calling the shots and keeping him at a distance, which is it what it sounds like to me.

You've also said you "hate all adults", so why on earth do you want a wedding to one? so you can carry on living in your separate flat with someone you've split with but still sleep with?

TurnWifiOn · 21/11/2015 13:12

Op you said that you couldn't live with another adult so that's why me and others questioned it.

Do you work?

Original poster
SpongebobCirclePants · 21/11/2015 13:17

do you work?

Do you read? Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
SpongebobCirclePants · 21/11/2015 13:18

I was JOKING about hating all adults!

And 'to see how things go' was what I was telling the kids as a stepping stone to them knowing we were back together.

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 21/11/2015 13:22

"I think you are confusing 'not getting on living with partner' for 'hating every single human being that has ever lived, and will turn into a psychopath the very second her children turn 18'."

Um, it was you who said you couldn't live with another adult!

WyrdByrd · 21/11/2015 13:22

I've been with my DH for 19 years - if we could stay married but live apart comfortably I would absolutely jump at the opportunity tbh.

If it works for you, you go ahead - it's your life and your business. If other people think it's odd, so what?

Gwenhwyfar · 21/11/2015 13:23

Cross posting there. It wasn't clear it was a joke though.

MamaLazarou · 21/11/2015 13:23

It sounds very confusing for the children. Getting married will confuse them even more.

SummerNights1986 · 21/11/2015 13:24

As far as our children go, me and their dad are just friends, I've been very very careful there

I think that's very odd really. I can't quite wrap my head around it. Either you're a couple or you're not.

the thought of living with another adult makes me feel instantly stressed

This too. Why? The only reason I can think of is control issues. Which I would be working on before you go anywhere near a marriage.

MamaLazarou · 21/11/2015 13:26

What if you met someone who you did love enough to want to live with them? Someone for whom you had the romantic/lustful feelings that you don't have for DP? You're selling yourself a bit short by settling for someone who sounds more like a platonic friend than a partner.

MissBattleaxe · 21/11/2015 13:26

I was JOKING about hating all adults! And 'to see how things go' was what I was telling the kids as a stepping stone to them knowing we were back together

Well since you said you despise living with the man you say you love, it didn't really come across as a joke so you can't blame people for taking that as face value.

As for lying to the kids to cover up that your relationship with their father is now romantic and it's so far been a secret to them- oh FGS- what a mess. Grow up and be straight with them.

Mlb123 · 21/11/2015 13:27

If the link on married couples being unable to claim hb as a lone parent have put the op off then it shows the lone parent benefits are a big part of her not wanting to live with her dp even though she is saying it is nothing to do with finances. Sadly people can't have it all ways with the benefit of a husband and the benefits from being a lone parent.

AndNowItsSeven · 21/11/2015 13:29

No spongebob you marry your partner move back in and instead of creating " merry hell" grow up and give your children the stable home they deserve. Do you think parents who divorce don't consider the massive impact in has on their dc.
Your selfishness is unbelievable.

TurnWifiOn · 21/11/2015 13:29

Sorry spongebob I reread that you work full time, I didn't know that you could get housing benefit so am confused.

Have you flounced off the thread or still around? Some good advice here.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/11/2015 13:34

I was going to say that it seemed to work for Tim Burton and HBC, but see Piper beat me to it (and that they've apparently split up now)

DH and I sometimes half joke about getting an L-shaped house - he can have one end, I'll have the other and the children can live in the middle bit - that would be ideal. But we haven't the money for that set up, sadly. IF we won the lottery though...

So I can entirely see your point and reasoning for keeping separate households, but you are going to lose out on the financial side if you're not careful.

Would you consider buying/renting somewhere together that has 2 flats in one? Like a maisonette type thing - you get one floor, he gets the other, children can go between freely?

stoppingbywoods · 21/11/2015 13:37

Marriage does mean having a home together, though. It means a father living with his children.

This all seems very hard on the children. Their time with their father must be cut in half. Obviously it happens, but usually when a situation has resolved, not in some endless waiting room of not knowing where everyone but you seems in the dark about some aspect of a situation that intimately affects them.

And your partner. Not allowed to live with you all because you don't like sharing your bathroom...couldn't you keep him in the garage or something? He's obviously hopeful things will change (which means he's not getting what he wants as things stand = unfair) while you know perfectly well that he will always live alone for as long as he's with you.

You sound selfish.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/11/2015 13:39

OP has TRIED living with her partner, it didn't work for them, they split up. They're back together but don't want to risk living together again in case it causes them to split up again, which would affect their children FAR FUCKING MORE than if their dad lives separately.

StrawberryTeaLeaf · 21/11/2015 13:40

Marriage does mean having a home together, though. It means a father living with his children

Traditionally, maybe, but not intrinsically.

Living together is not even mentioned in the vows.

These are existing children, don't forget. Even by conservative standards, what is made worse by OP marrying? I can't see what there is to get upset about.

ProfGrammaticus · 21/11/2015 13:43

You're claiming HB. Are you also claiming TC? If you get married these will have to stop I think.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 21/11/2015 13:45

I love when posters contradict themselves, get annoyed when people don't get their "jokes", then flounce off. Have a nice wedding, OP.

Mlb123 · 21/11/2015 13:47

The tax credits would be reduced to reflect both the op and her dp salary as a whole. They may still qualify for some but would likely be less than they are now, if they marry.

MissBattleaxe · 21/11/2015 13:48

Actually Strawberry it doesn't upset me at all, but since OP asked for opinions, mine is this: I think she is being selfish since her "marriage" will suit her but not her husband or children. Marriage is about compromise and she's not compromising on anything.

I also think this stuff about lying to the kids and then lying again is stupid.

stoppingbywoods · 21/11/2015 13:48

Marriage should be about demonstrating to children how adults work together to bring up a family, caring for them and sharing space and working things out together. Either do it or don't do it, but don't tell children that marriage is some form of dating that's run aground. It wouldn't be fair to them. This is not what we need the rising generation to aspire to!

witsender · 21/11/2015 13:54

Well, why would you want to get married? How does he feel about not being allowed to live with his kids? Are you prepared to make any compromises? I.e change jobs so benefits aren't an issue?

SurlyCue · 21/11/2015 13:57

Marriage should be about demonstrating to children how adults work together to bring up a family, caring for them and sharing space and working things out together.

Bollocks