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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to get married but have no intention of living together?

258 replies

SpongebobCirclePants · 21/11/2015 11:13

This is an unusual one, I fully expect judgement and flaming but there's always good advice amongst the pearl clutchers so I'm just going for it.

My partner and I have been together 16 years, we have two children together.

During these 16 years we have learned that we don't do well living together. I very much need my space and he seems happy with that, except he's talking about marriage.

The thought is giving me palpitations.
Quite honestly I absolutely love the idea of marrying him but the thought of living with another adult makes me feel instantly stressed.

This morning though, my mum pointed out that marriage doesn't have to mean living together.

This sounds pretty amazing and I'll have to discuss this with my partner but I have some worries.

For example, will it totally screw our kids up? Two parents that love each other, married but don't live together?! Would we be screwing with their future relationships? As far as our children go, me and their dad are just friends, I've been very very careful there. I've been so worried about it affecting them that I've made it as black and white as I can.

Secondly, I work full time and so does my partner. He has a flat which he rents, and loves.
I have a great flat which I also rent but because my job is a vocation and not something you do for money I get paid little and have housing benefit to help me with rent.

If we married and didn't live together how does that work? I don't want to seem as though I'm trying to screw the system for more money.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

OP posts:
goodnightdarthvader1 · 21/11/2015 12:32

How will you cope with living with your kids when they're older?

I reckon she's going to struggle. A lot.

SoDiana · 21/11/2015 12:33

What exactly does this man do to annoy you so much?

Helmetbymidnight · 21/11/2015 12:34

Why not go to the hb office and explain everything you've said here?

I'm sure they will sympathise.

Foreverconfused · 21/11/2015 12:38

You can claim as single parent if married but not living together. Partner was separated from his ex and she claimed single parent for years during that period.

MamaLazarou · 21/11/2015 12:42

If he's all that stressful to live with, why on Earth do you want to marry him?

MTWTFSS · 21/11/2015 12:43

I love the idea of marriage without living together Grin

I'd love one house for DH and 2 DS, then another home just for me Grin

If you can pull this off, you are living every woman's dream!!!

Branleuse · 21/11/2015 12:45

Being seperated is different.

Its also different if youre not married. Thats the whole point of being married.

If youre in a relationship with someone and not married and not living together or staying over at each others houses, then you are officially single.
How you feel about someone in a romantic sense doesnt even come into it, or even if you sleep with someone sometimes. It doesnt make them legally bound to support each other. Thats what marriage does.

If you seperate from someone that youre actually married to, and want to claim benefits, then you will be checked out, that youre not still actually living together or staying with each other or washing each others clothes etc.
This doesnt apply if youre not married. You never were legally obligated to each other. Thats why marriage is a big deal. Its not just a romantic gesture. Its a legal status with pros and cons, and as it stands now, OP is in a comfortable situation that makes her happy. She would be a fool to change that because her boyfriend is feeling insecure, when they cant even handle living together. Just leave it as it is

donajimena · 21/11/2015 12:47

www.hmrc.gov.uk/manuals/tctmanual/tctm09320.htm

MamaLazarou · 21/11/2015 12:47

"If you can pull this off, you are living every woman's dream!!!"

Speak for yourself, love. It's far from my dream.

pepper30 · 21/11/2015 12:48

Ok it's not the traditional set up but so what. I mean you are doing what is best for you as a family. Better to live the way you are than for any child to live within conflict and unhappiness. Talking about the possibility of marriage might also give you the chance also to have more conversations about it with your children too....congrats on the possible engagement!!!

StrawberryTeaLeaf · 21/11/2015 12:48

I think it's a lovely idea.

There's nothing wrong with being a bit unconventional. Good for your mum Smile

MamaLazarou · 21/11/2015 12:48

So you don't mind co-parenting with him but you don't feel romantically towards him, there is no lust/passion and you have no intention of living with him.

I'm completely baffled as to why you would even consider marrying him.

Branleuse · 21/11/2015 12:50

donaj, that doesnt apply to OP because theyre not living together. They dont even stay over at each others houses. They have seperate rents, bills, lives. They have feelings for each other, and they shag sometimes, but are neither living together or married. Your link would only apply if they WERE actually secretly living together but pretending not to, but that doesnt appear to be the case.

Original poster
SpongebobCirclePants · 21/11/2015 12:51

I reckon she's going to struggle. A lot

I think you are confusing 'not getting on living with partner' for 'hating every single human being that has ever lived, and will turn into a psychopath the very second her children turn 18'.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpongebobCirclePants · 21/11/2015 12:53

I don't feel romantically towards him?

News to me.

People are making utterly ridiculous assumptions now so I'm off.

But genuine thanks to those who have helped, it's made a difference.

OP posts:
MamaLazarou · 21/11/2015 12:53

No, you also said that you could not bear to live with another adult.

MamaLazarou · 21/11/2015 12:54

You also said that there is no romance.

MamaLazarou · 21/11/2015 12:56

"The thing is, it's been 16 years so we aren't all romantic and staring into each other's eyes now. We have comfortable love, not so much of the lustful love."

Maybe have a bit of a read back through your posts to refresh your memory of where people are getting these 'ridiculous assumptions' from.

RhiWrites · 21/11/2015 12:57

Complicated. There are couples who have made this work but children complicated things.

Are the issues that make you a bad fit for living together unresolvable? How would you explain this to your children? Especially in a context of (presumably) wanting them to work on their own issues/challenges?

What would be the benefit of being married to you as a couple if the living situation didn't change? What would be the disadvantages? Wouldn't it be requiring your children to live in a split household unnecessarily?

It's your life but I worry that the whole situation is fragile.

witsender · 21/11/2015 13:01

Could you afford your flat without HB? As you would need to were you to marry. If you want to marry perhaps look for a better paid job?

19lottie82 · 21/11/2015 13:01

What about the whole "in sickness and in health" part of marriage? If one of you became ill and needed a full time cater surely then you'd HAVE to move in together?

If you want to do it, it's up to you but to me the whole point of marriage is sharing your life with someone. If you know you wouldn't be able to live with each other then the thought of getting married seems obsurd. But that's only my opinion.

PiperChapstick · 21/11/2015 13:03

dona I have read that link and the OP does not fall into any of those categories classed as a 'couple' so your original statement was wrong

Original poster
SpongebobCirclePants · 21/11/2015 13:07

Ah well that link has it Dona.

Then we shan't be getting married. Simple.

OP posts:
Ineeda · 21/11/2015 13:07

I agree with 19lottie really.

Of course, that doesn't make your relationship anything less but it doesn't fit the bill for marriage, sorry. What you're looking for is what marriage is. That's the sheer truth of it OP.

MissingPanda · 21/11/2015 13:08

Living with teenage/adult children is different from living with a partner/spouse. You don't have to share a bedroom with them so have some privacy. I suspect a house share is different too as there isn't the same emotional relationship as there is with a partner/spouse.

OP you mentioned not wanting to share a bedroom or bathroom. Would separate bed/bathrooms be possible? Something to consider perhaps if you can't afford to get married and live separately.

Either way you need to sit down with him and talk. Find out what he's thinking. Tell him how you feel and see if you can reach an agreement that suits you both.

Tbh I've been single for so long that the idea of living separately if I did meet someone totally appeals. I love having a double bed to myself and having my own space. I'm not sure if I could live with someone again.