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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to get married but have no intention of living together?

258 replies

SpongebobCirclePants · 21/11/2015 11:13

This is an unusual one, I fully expect judgement and flaming but there's always good advice amongst the pearl clutchers so I'm just going for it.

My partner and I have been together 16 years, we have two children together.

During these 16 years we have learned that we don't do well living together. I very much need my space and he seems happy with that, except he's talking about marriage.

The thought is giving me palpitations.
Quite honestly I absolutely love the idea of marrying him but the thought of living with another adult makes me feel instantly stressed.

This morning though, my mum pointed out that marriage doesn't have to mean living together.

This sounds pretty amazing and I'll have to discuss this with my partner but I have some worries.

For example, will it totally screw our kids up? Two parents that love each other, married but don't live together?! Would we be screwing with their future relationships? As far as our children go, me and their dad are just friends, I've been very very careful there. I've been so worried about it affecting them that I've made it as black and white as I can.

Secondly, I work full time and so does my partner. He has a flat which he rents, and loves.
I have a great flat which I also rent but because my job is a vocation and not something you do for money I get paid little and have housing benefit to help me with rent.

If we married and didn't live together how does that work? I don't want to seem as though I'm trying to screw the system for more money.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

OP posts:
donajimena · 21/11/2015 12:01

You can't claim hb unless you are separated so it's a moot point.

WorraLiberty · 21/11/2015 12:02

Quite honestly I absolutely love the idea of marrying him but the thought of living with another adult makes me feel instantly stressed.

How will you cope when your kids are teenagers/adults?

Helmetbymidnight · 21/11/2015 12:02

So marry him - and continue as you are.

whatever22 · 21/11/2015 12:03

If you can afford it, I don't see any problem with getting married but living separately. Some people just don't like living with others, it doesn't mean they can't love and have a committed relationship.

If we could afford this I would seriously consider it - but we struggle to afford the one tiny house between us!

Original poster
SpongebobCirclePants · 21/11/2015 12:04

This has given me a lot to think about which I appreciate.

I would say something to the kids yes. We wouldn't be getting married straight away (if at all).

In fact I did just call him to suggest a 'date' tonight, that way I could kinda suggest to my eldest that me and their dad are going out together to see how things went.

I mean that's a way I could gently get the ball rolling?

OP posts:
TurnWifiOn · 21/11/2015 12:04

Op do you tolerate other adults generally? I.e. In your work place?

Your situation is odd, sometimes I would love to have another house to retreat but I can't afford it, so I married someone that I was compatible with.

Are you saying you can't live with another adult or just him? Have you ever house shared? Did you live with parents? Siblings?

PiperChapstick · 21/11/2015 12:07

You can't claim hb unless you are separated so it's a moot point

Do you have a link to the rule on this as I don't think this is right?

Original poster
SpongebobCirclePants · 21/11/2015 12:07

No, I hate all adults. I'm very stabby. Grin

Look it's pointless pulling it apart, I've lived in shared houses which have been fantastic.

But for some reason despite the fact I love him, I absolutely despise living with him.
I don't want to share my bathroom, my room. My bed.

In an ideal world we would have a large house and he could reside in the west wing. Grin

OP posts:
TheTigerIsOut · 21/11/2015 12:08

Ok, you are getting housing benefit, and as long as he keeps his house, stays there most of the time and doesn't pay more than the agreed child maintenance, you are NOT commiting fraud.

However, single parents' benefits do notapply to married people living apart, so if you marry, you will loose your HB and will posibly need to find another "vocation" that attracts a bigger salary than your current job, or find somewhere to live without the help of HB and the tax credits you should be getting at this time.

so, it seems to me that you are not so much afraid of living together, but about having to change your life so much if you loose your financial independence from him / the additionnal support you have at the moment.

But you cannot have your cake and eat it (but you could if your salaries were high enough to allow you 2 keep two households).

TheTigerIsOut · 21/11/2015 12:10

If you really "despise" sharing your space with him, you both are much better off not having a relationship at all.

Original poster
SpongebobCirclePants · 21/11/2015 12:11

Wowzers you really plucked that from nowhere.

You think I'm all about financial gain? How have you even got that from my posts? That's absolutely not my game.

OP posts:
JCLNE · 21/11/2015 12:12

I do understand that some relationships work better if the couple live apart, OP. It's unusual but I don't see anything wrong with it as such.

I just think it's important to clarify what exactly you both want from the relationship. I get the feeling that marriage is something you see as a "milestone", a sign of a solid, committed relationship...does it mean the same thing for your partner? It doesn't have to mean living together, if you both agree that it doesn't suit you. But it sounds like you haven't actually talked about it, you're just making assumptions. I'd ask the bloke what his views are on all this and take it from there.

Original poster
SpongebobCirclePants · 21/11/2015 12:12

Ok thanks Tiger I'll let him know now.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpongebobCirclePants · 21/11/2015 12:14

JCLNE I couldn't agree more. We haven't discussed it enough, just enough to know that he wants to and I'm worrying about living together. Fact is, as someone mentioned above, he may well see that as a step to living together. There's a lot we need to talk about, not to mention the info into potential fraud which would instantly make this an impossibility anyway.

I appreciate the good advise and the judgement from others has given me a bit of a giggle.

OP posts:
rubymallorywhite · 21/11/2015 12:17

Sounds like heaven,
If it works for you it's the best of both worlds.
Marriage / a bit of security alongside independence & freedom...

As for housing benefit, well it would look a little dodgy if you can afford to run two houses you having help when it's both of your kids,
That's your business though.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 21/11/2015 12:17

You can buy separate beds Confused

TheTigerIsOut · 21/11/2015 12:19

No, I don't think you are after financial gain, but if you don't get HB could you still in your flat? My guess is you couldn't, otherwise why would you get HB when so many households in low incomes are not entitled to it?

Most married couples cannot afford to keep 2 homes, the fact that you are considering this when you are receiving benefits makes me think you are delusional, or ill informed.

Benefits for separated people only apply after a relationship has broke down, which is not the case here, is it?

Original poster
SpongebobCirclePants · 21/11/2015 12:19

If it was as simple as separate beds we'd have done it by now.

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 21/11/2015 12:25

Every family should have two homes.
It's discusting that people would question this basic human right.

rubymallorywhite · 21/11/2015 12:25

It's not just daily mail fodder,

It's fact that there are certain means of help available to a "single" parent that OP will be entitled to,
OP should not be able to take advantage of that help from the state as well as being married & having the luxury of separate houses & another hands on parent?

I've seen in first hand in real life couples not living together because it makes no sense & financially they would be worse off.

That's a moral issue & it appears to be a side issue here but still ..
It raises questions.

WorraLiberty · 21/11/2015 12:27

How will you cope with living with your kids when they're older?

Original poster
SpongebobCirclePants · 21/11/2015 12:28

Discusting? Grin

OP posts:
capsium · 21/11/2015 12:29

Could you get a place to live where you each had your own separate space?

So you had your own bedroom/sitting room or sitting room/ office. Maybe more than one bathroom so you don't have to share. Shed at the bottom of the garden? Then you just have to respect each other's personal 'domain'.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 21/11/2015 12:30

Why would you marry someone who you despise spending time with? YOU ARE WITH THE WRONG MAN. Simples. Oh and marrying him will seriously fuck up your kids heads. And I tend to agree that there's something not very palatable about a married couple being well off enough to run two homes, and yet claim benefits. Whether it's legal or not, that doesn't sit right with me. Benefits are there for the neediest of society. Not a couple that are affluent enough to run two households.

Branleuse · 21/11/2015 12:31

getting married would be a bad move. Your dp seems to wants you to prove to him that youre a proper couple in it for the long haul, but it would mess you up financially, because you would be obliged to rely on him financially again, and all the stresses and insecurity that entails.

The only way I could see the point, is if you were able to live together again, by having a bigger house and at least having seperate rooms and finding new ways to make living with him tolerable for you. Could you even afford it.

I think the idea of marrying sounds like a bit of a fantasy.
I get it about you about not living with your partner. I have a similar set up, except its me that wants to move back together and get married and my dp is scared because of how its always gone every time weve lived together, but we still love each other. We wont get married now until we are sure we are in a position to live together and keep our own space and sanity