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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect an 11 year old to be able to eat off the adults menu

429 replies

Icklepickle101 · 17/11/2015 16:46

Me & DP have been invited out to dinner by the in laws, text from MIL said 'you choose where we go, we aren't fussy'.

I text MIL I've booked a table at a local pub type and a copy of the menu. I then get a reply asking if we could go somewhere see as there is no children's menu for SIL age 11.

I could understand if the menu was fairly out there but there are things like a chicken Kiev or pie and mash but apparently these aren't suitable as she won't eat it all anyway.

I suggested she could eat something from the starters menu with a side but apparently this wouldn't be a balanced meal?

AIBU to expect and 11 year old (secondary school age!!!) to be able to choose something from the adults menu and not to want to change where we are going to accommodate her?

OP posts:
Marynary · 19/11/2015 09:31

You're hilarious, Marynary. You completely misread the relationship situation, made up a bunch of stuff to suit your own scenario and even now you can't back down and graciously admit that, actually, you have no idea what you're on about wrt to the OP's DP and his understanding of his little sister.

Well yes, I misread the relationship situation but that is because it didn't occur to me that someone would be so worked up about the childish behaviour of an 11 year old SIL. It isn't totally obvious from the OP and I thought that the SIL was an adult and wanted a children's menu for her 11 year old daughter. Now I have realised that the SIL is the 11 year old, I think even less of the OP's reaction to the whole thing.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 19/11/2015 09:48

It isn't totally obvious from the OP

Actually. Yeah, it is. It's spelled out in the OP.

Honestly, stop digging. Rtft or stop getting annoyed when people notice you haven't.

Marynary · 19/11/2015 10:09

Actually. Yeah, it is. It's spelled out in the OP.

It wasn't obvious to me but as I said, perhaps that it because it didn't occur to me that anyone would be worked up over the childish behaviour of an 11 year old SIL. I assumed the SIL was be an adult because OP seems to relate to her as a peer. OP's subsequent posts didn't make it any clearer to me that SIL was a child.

momb · 19/11/2015 10:17

Marynary, Its in the title of the OP that she's 11.

As the mum of an 11 year old which is going off everything she ever ate at the moment in an attempt to control something/amything because her sister isn't well I sympathise OP.
She's 11 and unhappy that her big brother moved out so she's being difficult, though not necessarily deliberately so. It's up to your MIL to jolly her along until her world stabilises a bit and she accepts the new status quo. Enjoy your pub meal.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/11/2015 10:23

And, it's really not about the 11yo's immature reaction - it's about her mother's pandering to said reaction. Yes, 11yos are likely to have temperamental strops about all sorts of things, but that's where the parents should step in and deal with it, not start re-arranging things to suit said stroppy 11yo!

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 19/11/2015 10:27

"For SIL age 11" and all the references to the MIL wasn't obvious? Hmm

You seem to have overlaid massive layers of your own assumptions rather than actually reading.

Which is your right. But makes you look a bit silly.

Marynary · 19/11/2015 10:27

momb The title doesn't state that the SIL is 11 at all. I assumed that the SIL was an adult with an 11 year old child and that the SIL wanted a children's menu so that her 11 year old child would eat something at the meal. I think that both SIL and OP are being quite childish and inflexible about the whole think but considering SIL is actually a child at least she has an excuse.

Marynary · 19/11/2015 10:28

think thing

Marynary · 19/11/2015 10:34

For SIL age 11" and all the references to the MIL wasn't obvious?

Why would the references to MIL make it obvious? I didn't make massive layers of assumption at all. It just didn't occur to me that someone would be so worked up about an 11 year old behaving a bit childishly. I couldn't care less if you think that makes me silly.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 19/11/2015 10:50

Bless. You obviously do care or you wouldn't have spent do many posts justifying yourself.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 19/11/2015 10:50

*so

Pyjamaramadrama · 19/11/2015 10:57

Op I haven't read the whole thread and yanbu on the pub issue.

One thing I will say though is 11 year olds can be annoying and bratty. If I were you I would make an extra effort to bond with her because when your baby comes along she's going to seem even less appealing compared to your cute baby.

Would you consider taking her out somewhere before baby comes along, just you and her, a bit of baby clothes shopping, a cinema trip?

MuddhaOfSuburbia · 19/11/2015 11:06
  1. you can't say 'ooh we're not fussy, you pick' AND THEN BE FUCKING FUSSY
  1. 11yos can be utter dicks about food/eating out. I know, I had two till last month- now I have two twelve year olds. They are OBSESSED with what they call Faine Daining (which apparently means Pizza Express) and just want something they can take a shit photo of so all their friends can like it on Instagram

get MIL to pick somewhere- in a Nice 'ooh, we don't mind, it'll just be lovely to see you' Way, that won't cause a major diplomatic incident

OnlyLovers · 19/11/2015 13:33

Oh, give it up, Mary. Grin

RoboticSealpup · 19/11/2015 13:59

Muddha I'm so out of touch with contemporary sarcasm, but I take that to mean that Pizza Express is a bit lame and its funny to go there, take a bad picture and call it #faine daining? Or, they actually like going there and bragging about it on instagram? Please explain. If it's the former, then I'm a bit scared of kids these days...

mrsmonnster · 19/11/2015 16:20

Of course SIL is being a pain , but she is 11 and children are not always reasonable .
MIL probably knows this, but also knows that if forced to go the meal will be spoilt for everyone by her DD.

This is only a battle if you let it be .
Look for a 2-3 nice alternatives and ask MIL / SIL help you choose between them.
Be the bigger person . Sit SIL next to her DB . The meal is for a few hours , they will be in your life for much longer .

nannyl · 19/11/2015 18:37

YANBU

My cousins aged 18 and 15 (years) couldnt come to my sisters wedding because there wasnt a childrens menu

There were about 10 children (including my 2 year old) who were all happy with the same Roast dinner and an apple-y type pudding served with Vanilla ice cream (and a vegetarian option and 1 plate cooked especially for 1 coeliac guest which they were offered)..... so my sister refused to ask for childrens menu's (for an 18 year old adult!)

Anyway the end result was they couldnt come because they would be hungry Shock.... and didnt come....... and wont even get an invite to my wedding.....

Just to add when asked what they would like the ONLY option that they could possible eat was sausage and chips or burger and chips

MuddhaOfSuburbia · 19/11/2015 19:07

Nononono sealpup apparently PE is Valhalla for preteens

Confused
Marynary · 19/11/2015 19:13

Bless. You obviously do care or you wouldn't have spent do many posts justifying yourself.

I'm not justifying myself. I'm just explaining why I thought the SIL was an adult and that the 11 was her child. It's not as if the reality swings the argument in OP's favour. The fact that she is getting so worked up over the childish behaviour of an 11 year old rather than an adult makes her look more unreasonable in my opinion. The MIL invited her out and presumably intends to pay and it isn't unreasonable of her to want to go to a pub where everyone can enjoy the food.

hampsterdam · 19/11/2015 20:31

If the Mil wants to go where everyone can enjoy she should have just chosen somewhere herself or allowed the 11yo to decide. Mil is bu because she asked op to choose then didn't want to go to the chosen place.

Marynary · 19/11/2015 20:46

Well yes MIL made a mistake when she said that OP could choose anywhere. She should have considered the possibility that not everyone would like OPs choice. I don't think that is a hanging offence or anything to get worked up over though.

5Foot5 · 20/11/2015 13:51

I really hope when she is more mature we get in and have a good relationship, I don't like having a strained relationship with her as it must be awkward for DP. I'm just fed up of her behaviour.

First things first - this whole child menu thing is a red herring and irrelevant. The real issue here is your relationship with your young SIL.

While I don't condone her behaviour for a minute I think I can understand the emotions that cause it. I was a much younger sibling and when my elder sisters started to move away I was about her age or a bit younger and I was really upset. The first Christmas that one of them spent elsewhere I think I took it harder than my parents; though I didn't play up about it because (a) I wasn't that sort of child and (b) I wouldn't have been allowed to get away with it. (I suppose (b) has a bearing on (a)!)

Now, while I agree that the parents might be making a mistake by pandering to your SILs difficult behaviour like this, I do think the onus is on YOU to try to improve this relationship - and to do it NOW not at some point in the future when the opportunity may be lost.

This little girl is upset because she sees the situation as losing her elder brother. You need to make it a positive thing, i.e. she is not losing him she is gaining a big sister. Can you have her to stay at the weekend sometime? Get to know her and what she likes and maybe do some fun stuff with her. I appreciate that while you are pregnant you might not feel like making the effort but it is better to do it now then wait until the baby comes.

Just think how pushed out she will feel by the new baby if she hasn't been brought on-side and included in the situation. She is used to being the baby of the family and suddenly there is a real baby on the block! Would you rather she resent your DC's arrival or be excited by it and ready to be a doting auntie?

Like it or not she is in your life for ever so isn't it better, for you and your future DC, if you get on well with her and they get an affectionate, loving aunt and you potentially get a willing future babysitter

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/11/2015 14:43

Marynary - in the OP, it says, " I then get a reply asking if we could go somewhere see as there is no children's menu for SIL age 11." How did you interpret that to mean that the SIL was an adult and the 11-year-old was her child? Confused

chumbler · 20/11/2015 14:57

How come this thread's still going!?

Mintyy · 20/11/2015 15:08

I can only imagine its cos there's fuck all else of interest on Mumsnet these days!