AIBU to think there are few worse crimes on here than to be the OW

[OnADarkDesertHighway]

I think there are criminals who have been convicted of horrific offences who would get a better reception on here than OW do.

Personal attacks might be throwned upon but OW seem fair game. Cunt is a common insult to call OW and hardly anyone objects.

Yeah it is shitty to fuck another woman's bloke but no insult is off limits.

I do not believe some hardened criminals would be in receipt of the level of abuse OW get. Nor do the DH/DP's get anywhere near as much condemnation as the OW do.

I'd hate to be an OW with a labradoodle.

OW often get short shrift here because they come along spouting Mills and Boon rhetoric. 'we didn't mean it to happen - we're in lurrve. We're Soul Mates. It was a loveless/sexless marriage and he/she needed to leave them anyway....ad infinitum.'

Which is the opposite side of the cheaters 'script'.

Life isn't black and white I accept that. But we honestly don't always think about the ripple effect of our actions - especially people who are caught up in 'the great love story.' Every action then becomes a justification for our own narrative.

I have been the OW - granted there were no children involved at the time. But I look back on my younger self and find it hard to forgive the deceit and hurt I must have caused at the time. Not directly, because the other partner never found out - but I now realise (much to my very great shame) that it must have affected their relationship and diverted emotional energy away from the primary relationship. Especially as years later I was on the other side - and the feeling of helplessness and not knowing what was going on was overwhelming - until the affair was discovered.

Affairs are going to happen. Relationships will end. But if you get involved with people who are already in relationships with others, whether there are children are not - you have to accept there is a cost - usually in the form of a great deal of hurt for someone else. Something we like to forget in our story.

Anyone who has an affair with a married man wouldn't feature in my top 10 of 'people I admire' - but ultimately I would lay all the blame on dh. He's the one who has betrayed me & broken my heart - she's just a nobody to me.

It's always the mans fault.

Sadly they don't always stay a nobody though, Surfer. Some of the worst stories on MN (to me) are what the husband and the OW get up to after the affair is announced/discovered and the husband leaves.

We are talking some seriously nasty stuff in some cases.

Malicious reports to social services, for example. Absolutely horrible for the children.

Yes Liney I understand that. but none of that would happen if the man was a decent loyal partner.

Indeed, and that is where the great shock comes from - and why I think it carries on being felt by the family for so long. The man who was always decent loyal dad and decent loyal husband is suddenly a very vicious, indecent person. And there are OW (and OM) who do encourage that behaviour.

ComeDownToMe, maybe give MN a swerve? You don't have to use it you know, I'm surprised you find the time what with all that passionate shagging that you love telling us about.

What MrsFring said. That.

As far as ending a relationship with honesty before starting a new one goes, women get the blame for that too.

There was a woman on here who wanted to have a relationship with a colleague, but he was married so she told him no way.

He was persistent and she did have feelings for him so she said I'll only start a relationship you if you end your marriage first.

She got a pasting for that, and I've seen (understandably) devastated wives on here show fury at women for refusing to shag their husband while he was still with his wife.

Shag a married man: homewrecker.

Refuse to shag a man because he is married : homewrecker.

There are people on here who will have started as the OW/OM and are now the "settled" partner, aren't there? With the original one basically airbrushed out of history. Surely it's statistically likely that some people on the step-parenting board will have started out as OW. I suppose they're the ones keeping quiet in threads like this.

DW and I have some friends like this. We used to get Christmas cards from (not real names obviously), "Paul, Emma, Lucy and Jamie" and now we get them from "Paul, Jezebel, Lucy and Jamie". It's like Emma no longer exists or has regenerated into Jezebel.

There was someone just the other week asking if they should tell their children that their relationship was originally an affair (20 years ago). She got quite lenient treatment as I recall.

Relationships break down all the time though. Step families are absolutely the norm, aren't they? I agree it's odd seeing Paul and Tricia when it was Steve and Tricia for so long, but that's life. And it would equally happen when people separated for non infidelity related reasons.

Women who aren't happy in their marriages are always urged to leave their husbands on here, and not to stay for the children, who will adapt and be happier because their mum will be happier.

Those women will no longer be mentioning Brian on their Xmas cards, but he hasn't been airbrushed out. He's still the kids dad, he just lives somewhere else.

I remember that thread, Morris. She was given an absolutely horrible time for even fancying the bloke. Called appalling names.

I think if you have kids (in fact even if you don't) and you are unhappy in a relationship you need to put your big girl/big boy pants on and properly separate before lining up your next partner. Anything else is shitty behaviour. Being complicit in it is shitty behaviour. It doesn't make someone evil and I don't like words like slut, home wrecker etc but it's still shitty and I can understand why people get upset hearing about it if they've been on the other side.

Do you think it is shitty to say to a married man 'I will not get involved with you, because you are married'?

I am not disputing the anger is justified. Equally the range of terms used to describe OW are offensive and often, I believe, inaccurate.

A lot of posters are big on feminism yet the routine insults, slut, whore, are not an issue when it is aimed at OW. Remarks suggesting OW are just a hole for the bloke to put his cock in are not rare on here but totally unnecessary.

There is a majority view on here which automatically equates any OW as being a heartless, callous bitch who hates the ex and kids and wants nothing better than to hurt them and rub it in. Regrettably there are doubtless OW who do conduct themselves in such a manner but I bet there are many who deeply regret all the pain and hurt and do their best to minimise it.

Additionally the assumption is made on here that any OW posting on here is automatically a goady fucker and does so only to gloat. Is there no truth in feeling an OW can post with the intention of trying to minimise hurt to the ex and kids by asking advice as to how best to handle a situation by asking posters who have been in those shoes.

Yes OP, but you keep name changing and starting the same old threads in different places, over and over again. This causes the same amount of anger, hurt and pain for those of us who may never recover from such an horrific ordeal yet you keep on doing it.

You want somebody to tell you that it's OK. It isn't. Please stop.

And for the millionth time...you CANNOT minimise the pain you have caused to the wife and the children. You just CAN'T. Why are you unable to understand that? You keep asking the same question and getting the same response. It's not going to change. So, no doubt you'll be off to start another thread in yet another name in the vain hope that somebody will tell you that your a great person and it's OK that you were party to destroying the life of somebody's wife and children.

And for the millionth time...you CANNOT minimise the pain you have caused to the wife and the children. You just CAN'T.

Surely the man caused that?

Some of the worst stories on MN (to me) are what the husband and the OW get up to after the affair is announced/discovered and the husband leaves...malicious reports to social services, for example. Absolutely horrible for the children.

The thing is, this cuts both ways. There are also tales aplenty of mothers who report their ex to social services and do everything possible to block contact with the children.

When a stepmum (and not OW) posts in despair at a vindictive mother who is causing trouble in this way, she is usually questioned as to the veracity if her story, it is pointed out that we dont know the other side. When it's the other way round, as in your example, it is RARELY questioned and everyone is happy to join in the hand wringing.

I am now getting off topic of OW and starting to talk about stepmums however.

Talizorah - not in my case, far far far from it. The OW from hell..literally.

Morris no I don't think it's shitty to say you won't get involved with someone because they are married.
But that's different to saying "I won't sleep with you until you are single" which I do think is shitty.

Additionally the assumption is made on here that any OW posting on here is automatically a goady fucker and does so only to gloat. Is there no truth in feeling an OW can post with the intention of trying to minimise hurt to the ex and kids by asking advice as to how best to handle a situation by asking posters who have been in those shoes.

What? You think the best place for a OW to seek advice is from people who have had their lives turned upside down by a OW?

Do you not see how insensitive that is?

But that's different to saying "I won't sleep with you until you are single" which I do think is shitty.

I agree with this. There was a Aibu post from an OW who insisted she wasn't really a OW because she refused to sleep with him until he left.

No acknowledgement of the EA that led to it or the fact that he had still left his wife for her. The OP just couldn't understand why the wife (who had a 3 month old baby when her dickhead husband left) was so hurt

OP, is it you again? Please tell me not.......

I think it is and Im starting doubt she's for real.

I think that people rarely have affairs just for the hell of it, but because there is something missing in their current relationship. That's no one's fault and sometimes, no, the other person in the relationship doesn't know that there are problems. People fall out of love with each other, but still stay for a variety of reasons until something or some one comes along and acts as a trigger. Sometimes shit just does happen.

I think that we need to get away from this idea that marriage/kids is the ideal set up for people and that to destroy it is the worst thing ever. Sometimes it is a situation that is nothing more than a prison - and I know lots of people who feel that way, but feel that they would be letting their OH, DC etc down by leaving. Instead they stay and are barely able to cover up their misery and resentment at the situation. In those cases it is not doing the children any good and they would survive very well if their parents split - because people do. It all depends on how it is handled.

A male friend of mine recently left his wife for another woman. While he is being vilified for leaving her and the kids, the background story is that she was emotionally and physically abusive towards him for many years. He is now very happy and the children are fine (they play with mine a lot so yes, I do know).

A more adult attitude towards relationship break ups however they happen is needed in my opinion.