AIBU to think there are few worse crimes on here than to be the OW

[OnADarkDesertHighway]

I think there are criminals who have been convicted of horrific offences who would get a better reception on here than OW do.

Personal attacks might be throwned upon but OW seem fair game. Cunt is a common insult to call OW and hardly anyone objects.

Yeah it is shitty to fuck another woman's bloke but no insult is off limits.

I do not believe some hardened criminals would be in receipt of the level of abuse OW get. Nor do the DH/DP's get anywhere near as much condemnation as the OW do.

Well you based it on an edited point but whatever. My first paragraph related to gender specific sexual slurs used by other users of this forum in relation to other women. What are the male equivalent of those words? I'd love to know. These terms are damaging to women, and yes, they're damaging to this "sisterhood" that many of the same posters keep harping on about. Men get cunt (yeah, nice insult based on the female reproductive system there), but there's nothing comparable based on perceived sexual promiscuity. There is no excuse for using these words.

My second point referred to women up thread who were discussing how cheated-on women also found themselves being blamed.

There's nothing faux-feminist about my position. If my partner kept betting his salary away I wouldn't be having a go at his bookie. If he was doing coke in the ensuite every night I wouldn't blame his dealer. Cheaters will find someone if they want to cheat, whether that's someone who knows of their marital status or some random they meet off Tinder. Nah, they're not great people, but from my own experience on here, other forums and real life, there is a complete divide with how cheaters/OM/OW are viewed dependent on gender. Whilst you might believe you are completely fair, it's pretty obvious from much of this thread that women are held to a higher standard by a lot of people and they're cast down a damn sight faster when they err.

OP, is it you again? Please tell me not.......

I have been cheated on and left a single parent and in a financial shit storm. I equally blame my husband and OW. OW knew we were married (had known us for years), knew we had a two year old with ASD and then proceeded to go out of her way to utterly destroy me in any way she could possibly find in order to paint me as the mad ex-wife who he had to leave...and she his saviour from the nightmare marriage he had to endure but was happily shagging us both at the same time.

Is she is cunt? Absolutely. She had also been widowed for literally five minutes when she moved my husband in with her 7 year old who had lost his dad. What sort of person does that make her? My husband is a weak and pathetic sap who has gone along with it all. I don't even know who is is because he's not the person I have known for the past 20 odd years.

The wife "behaving like a self indulgent victim"...the words of somebody who has never had their life ripped to shreds, or seen her children devastated, by the utterly foul behaviour of two selfish individuals.

What gets me about "the OW". There has to be a man involved in that affair but does he face any critique, hell no.!!!!!
I think people have a downer though on the other women because of the way men can just walk away with no critique and the single mum left behind is treated with contempt by the government, when they need help, but the other women is kept in luxury by her ex dp or dh, and she is left alone to struggle so I do fully understand the resentment

Fraud is a serious crime.

Aiding and abetting a person committing fraud is a serious crime.

Both involving depriving someone of money.

And lying.

And cheating.

Not unlike adultery. However, adultery is not a crime.

But...

When there are children involved, and the divorce gets messy, then it's the children who lose out. They lose their home (in many cases) and lose (some of) their anticipated futures too. Their understanding of the world changes massively. The costs of a marital break up are huge, and that means there's less for the children's future.

Now I do actually believe divorce is a good thing for the adults - especially if the marriage is not a good one. But when it's discovered just how much is paid out to conduct an affair, and yes, even if you 'go Dutch', it's still costing. Then relate that to the circumstances of the marriage.

Wining and dining? Hotel room? Romantic day trip to...

School shoes? Christmas presents? University education?

So stop with the 'woe is me' and start seeing your behaviour as aiding and abetting a con-artist.

And then tell me not to call you a cunt.

Dh has cheated on me so my view is not based on being cheated on.

It's quite simple. If you know someone is married or long term relationship and sleep with them, then you are cunt.

If you married or in a long term relationship and sleep with some one else, you are cunt.

Placing some blame on the OW/OM doesn't take any blame off the one with a partner. At all.

There is a weird thing that says if you blame the OW/OM you are talking the blame of person cheating. That's not true. Both can be cunts.

Don't blame the man or woman left behind dealing with the aftermath for the effect all the duplicity is now having on the children.

I blame the one left behind 100% if they voiced their unhappiness and bitterness to the children and used them as an emotional crutch to get through the experience. No exceptions. They're kids, they love both their parents, and it is the job of both parents to shield them from the aftermath.

I was cheated on. The OW actively pursued my ExH at work or work events while I was home with our very young children. There was a lot of lying over a long period. They both behaved appallingly, and he was certainly cracked with guilt when we talked to divide finances.

My children's reaction to the aftermath? The older one missed having her dad around. They both (now much older) wish their family lived together. There wasn't some big emotional fall out, as far as they're concerned, though. They've never heard me say a word against their dad and OW (now their stepmum, mother of their siblings, because as a teen I lived through my father's vitriolic reaction to being cheated on and left. I struggled to cope with it at 16, it upset me deeply, and there is no fucking way I'm inflicting anything approaching that on my kids. It is brutally unfair to use children as an emotional crutch or to vent to them your anger and frustration against a parent they adore.

The venting on here against OW? I think it's bloody brilliant if it enables parents to vent to adults rather than traumatise their children.

Just read that back (phone). A measured acknowledgement of unhappiness helps children to understand a bit. Bitterness against the other parent should never be voiced in their hearing.

There are lots of behaviours which, whilst not being illegal, are still despicable. Being an OW is one of those. Another one is coming onto Mumsnet to defend them. You're saying that it's OK to wreck the lives of several innocent people because at least you've not murdered someone.

Personally I'm saying it's not ok to throw abuse and moral judgment at women only, and that in my view men and women collude to make women take moral responsibility for sexual relationships that are mutual.

Olive, your points are mature and balanced. You've got it spot in, in my book.

It is nice to see some people on this thread that are being sensible. I just can't understand the internet lynch mob thing.

The wife "behaving like a self indulgent victim"...the words of somebody who has never had their life ripped to shreds, or seen her children devastated, by the utterly foul behaviour of two selfish individuals

That's your speculation.

But what I meant by the phrase was absolutely not to minimise what she felt but rather that she was compounding damage (in this case) by falling to pieces for six months and drunkenly ranting in front of her child who had to deal with her pain.

However betrayed she felt, I don't believe her child should have had to parent her.

It's not "speculation" Olive...it's my experience. I have fallen to pieces for two years now...but I have done it privately and out of the sight of my children, one aged 4 (with autism), the other 17 (who suffered a breakdown due to my ex husband's behaviour). I have spent the past two years trying to protect them, not drunkenly ranting as you put it. My children have never had to parent me. Minimising the devastating effects on infidelity on everybody is very apparent here.

Sexual assault trigger warning

Before I start, I want to say that this is my point of view, and I don't expect anyone to think it is how everyone else who has been in my position should feel.

I have been cheated on by my husband, and I have also been raped by 2 different men. When it comes down to who wrecked my life and peace of mind more I would without a doubt say my husband and the OW rather than the rapists.

The men who raped me didn't 'owe' me anything, not faithfulness, not respect, nothing, however my husband did. I didn't trust the men who assaulted me with my whole life, I trusted my husband. The OW didn't owe anything to me either, but she did to her partner and her children. I am not in any way saying that what they did was worse than what the 2 unknown men did to me, but it has affected me much more.

I give my husband more shit than I ever gave the OW, as he deserves it, but I still think she's a cunt, especially as it has come out that she has done this with at least 2 other men.

And to say that the other man doesn't get any shit on here, well that is probably largely due to the fact that we don't get that many men who have been cheated on posting here compared to women who have.

FWIW I told the OW's partner about it and he threatened to kill my husband, he found out where we lived and drove 350 miles to park outside my house and shout threats at us until I threatened to call the police. So yeah, he gave the other man far more shit than he ever gave his partner, if he posted on mumsnet I'm sure he would be on every thread calling the other man a cunt, but he doesn't, so he isn't.

to everyone who has had to deal with an affair, until it happened to me I had no idea how utterly devastating it is.

You know what else is apparent? Actually, what has been beautifully illustrated over and over on this thread is my point about posters projecting onto others... Also, the liberal use of the word victim is very telling. Marriages falling apart for ANY reason are horrible, painful messes... That doesn't make people victims. It is just life. We all get handed shit sandwiches all the time but turning to the internet to spew anger at strangers is never the answer. I am very sorry that so many of you feel that way. I hope you find some peace in yourselves one day.

There are far worse things in life than being the OW. Often relationships break down and there is an overlap in the man or woman leaving their partner.

I don't think it's an internet lynch mob thing, more like people recognise cuntish behaviour.
I can't fathom how anyone can defend anyone willingly sleeping with someone else's partner.
Makes them an equal cunt in my eyes.

To me, it's patently hypocritical to declare that the cheating man or woman is to blame on the one hand (which is true), but for the OW/OM and their new 'catch' to then blame the person who has been left behind to bring up the children for being upset.

And it's very unhealthy to repeatedly come on to MN as OW asking when the wife will get over it, when will it all be fine, etc.

On the step-parenting board you even sometimes see OW blaming the children for being upset.

The cheated-on spouses and children didn't cause the tsunami of emotional and financial crap. The cheaters did. The blaming I suppose is just a way of dealing with their guilt - but it's unkind and damaging, and much more damaging to the children than any sadness they see their cheated-on parent express. At least the latter is genuine, not toxic.

MrsC I've read your story on another thread and I you are incredibly resilient - you've had to be - and I hope you carry on getting the support you need on MN.

And dreamingofblueskies I am so sorry you have had to endure all that in your life.

Sky, I think the use of the word victim is very apt. People have been actively deceived by someone they completely trusted. In many cases they have had money effectively stolen from them when their h spends it on ow or post divorce, wriggles put of paying proper child support or spousal maintenance. If your best friend took your bank card and did this, it would be fraud and you would be deemed to be a victim of a crime. Now I am not for obe minute saying that infidelity should be a crime, only that the effects of it on the cheated upon spouse can be much the same. I am watching my friend go throught it at the moment and it is awful. She is trying to keep it together for her dc, while her h and ow undermine her at every turn.

Often relationships break down and there is an overlap in the man or woman leaving their partner

WRONG on every level. If you want to cheat, regardless, bloody well leave first and treat your family with dignity and respect. There is no excuse. What happens when the relationship hasn't "broken down" and the party left behind had absolutely no clue what was about to hit them, as in my case? My husband and OW told everybody our relationship had broken down and he had to leave, then painted the OW as his saviour from me the dreadful wife. It was utter utter rubbish and projection. Thus they have carried on demonising me, insulting me as a parent, dismissing my DS's autism as "attention seeking", committing fraud on my bank account, I have been assaulted, reported to social services, the police, been arrested for trumped up charges of harassment from which I was completely exonerated. A long term campaign of attempting to make me look awful to justify their affair. Fuck OFF with it all. OW wasn't prepared to hold her hands up, she was too worried about her "business and reputation" and was determined to destroy me by any means possible. THAT makes her a cunt and my husband even more so.

I think for me any affair (from the man or woman) shows a complete lack of respect for the relationship and for your partner.

By all means divorce then immerse yourself in all the cock/pussy you want but do it before you've divorced and I'll judge you for the pathetic, spineless excuse for a human you are sneaking around just for a shag . If the cock/pussy isn't worth ending your relationship for then it's not even worth trying out.

I would never blame the other woman - I'd blame my dh.

I do not and never will understand those who say they would never blame the OW. She didn't fall over and accidentally land on his cock! That person, nine times out of ten, knows the person they have an affair with is married and has children. They collude in the deception, the secretive behaviour, the texting, the lying to the wife, I don't think I need to go on. They are equally to blame.

Funnily enough, I was pursued recently by somebody who presented himself as "single". Fortunately, before anything happened, I found out he wasn't. I ended that association immediately. It's not difficult!!!!

MrsC the speculation was the words of somebody who has never had their life ripped to shreds as you don't know whether I have or not.

I am sorry you have had such a terrible time.