AIBU to think there are few worse crimes on here than to be the OW

[OnADarkDesertHighway]

I think there are criminals who have been convicted of horrific offences who would get a better reception on here than OW do.

Personal attacks might be throwned upon but OW seem fair game. Cunt is a common insult to call OW and hardly anyone objects.

Yeah it is shitty to fuck another woman's bloke but no insult is off limits.

I do not believe some hardened criminals would be in receipt of the level of abuse OW get. Nor do the DH/DP's get anywhere near as much condemnation as the OW do.

A more "adult attitude" to break up would be to leave your partner completely, give everyone some breathing space, then date someone else.

It takes two to tango and both parties are as bad as each other in my opinion but in different ways.

Sansoora, this was one of the first things I pointed out on here... I think most of the posts in Relationships and AIBU on this topic are false and designed to do just what this one has done. The angry posters are letting thier feelings and experiences all hang out and what does it accomplish? Do any of you feel better now, or are you just more fired up, angrier, and polarized because you have found other people who mirror your dark emotions. Mumsnet is not a community for people who have been left behind/hurt/cheated on or feel a sense of moral outrage. It is a place where anyone with an email address can say pretty much whatever they want within talk guidelines and get away with it.

By railing against OW on here whether they are real or imaginary no one is healing or moving on... It is just ripping off a scab and digging at the wound. If these threads were really about support the conversations wouldn't revolve around making blanket judgements about complete strangers.

I think we've jumped the shark if we're saying it's shitty to say I won't sleep with you until you're single.

If the man then chooses to abandon his family then that's entirely his lookout, surely.

Seems a logical twist too far to blame women for not sleeping with married men.

I always say it's the spouse who is most in the wrong. However most women love their husbands still so it's natural they want to decide he is a pensi led by a temptress and has no say in the matter. Women are wrong to think this but it gives them some comfort to go along with this delusion.

A more "adult attitude" to break up would be to leave your partner completely, give everyone some breathing space, then date someone else.

totally agree.

This board is called relationships, not advice for married women.

Seems a logical twist too far to blame women for not sleeping with married men.

by saying I won't sleep with you until you are single, you (both) have already over stepped the line into an EA if you are having that conversation.

If the man then leaves his wife so he can shag the ow, yes he is the dick. But the OW has already entered affair territory.

Personally I wouldn't be with anyone who pursues another person, at all, before splitting up with their partner.

This board is called relationships, not advice for married women.

Um this board is AIBU, besides that I am still unsure about what you are getting at.

I get where you're coming from Sky, but actually I found Sansoora's comments (on another thread) pretty insightful and useful.

She identified a part of the cheaters' script for me that happens after the affair is 'out there', and it helps to have affirmed that rather than me being a uniquely shit wife in a uniquely shit marriage, the problem was him (and her) being ununiquely selfish and predictable.

I also agree with zeezeek that it matters how it's handled - but I don't see it's fair for the onus to be placed on the cheated-on spouse to take all the responsibility for that, which is what the OP here seems to think should happen going by her comments on various threads.

My apologies, this is indeed aibu. I was responding to the many pps who said that OW were insensitive for posting on the relationship board.

Huh? I seem to have accidentally posted a quote from earlier in the thread there, apologies. Will see if I can delete.

Violent criminal- utter cunt
Non violent criminal - big cunt
Married man having an affair - cunt
Fucking a married man other than your own - cunty behaviour
Using a bog brush- on a slippery slope to cunty behaviour

This is mumsnet - the shades of cunt operate in a wonderfully diverse spectrum.

What I meant to post was...

I wonder how many committed LTRs end due to one of the parties leaving because they are involved with/interested in someone else, compared to other reasons. I would be interested to see some data.

I agree that you should leave before getting involved with someone else, but in practice I imagine more people DONT make that break in advance, than do.

I am talking about instances where someone moves from one LTR to another, not a serial cheater who cheats for cheating's sake.

Should married men carry a bell or something, or have CCTV installed on their heads so that once a ring us on their finger, women must no longer even speak to them or risk the wrath of the wife hood?

My DP has friendships, socialises, has private conversations etc with me not present. If he developed feelings for another woman and told her that, I'd be devastated. But I can't imagine blaming her simply for existing and being attractive to DP. If she then said sorry sunshine, I don't sleep with men who aren't single then again, what logic would I then have to use to blame her if my DP ditched me to pursue her?

It's like women should look at the ground whenever a non single man speaks to them.

If she then said sorry sunshine, I don't sleep with men who aren't single

But this is a different sentence again.

I'm married and have plenty of male friends. I'm not planning to sleep with any of them. Can you see the distinction?

Fair point, Morris. But what if they got together and that other woman started trying to interfere in your private life, judge your emotional state as being wrong, and create rules about how you should be feeling now, etc.

It's that behaviour that fucks me off the most.

There's a difference between being friends with someone and having an emotional affair with them.

I do see what you are saying, SweetAdeline.

One statement is fact. I only sleep with single men.

One might be construed as encouragement. I will only sleep with you when you are single.

Sorry to clarify my comment wasnt entirely directed at Sansoora. I was just agreeing with her that these types of threads are likely mostly insincere. I haven't read her other posts and don't plan to. I'm not attacking her personally or anyone else for that matter. I have a problem with the behavior of a group acting as a jury to a person or group of people that they don't know using personal experience as ammunition for hatred. The world is full of awful people and I am sure all the OW/OM/cheaters of the world have found themselves on the wrong side of virtue. But goading and encouraging people to slag off complete strangers and calling people cunts left right and centre sort of negates a persons right to the moral high ground in any given scenario. Two wrongs don't make a right. In the act of hurling obscenities at another you kind of drag yourself down a few pegs too.

In that regard, yes I do think the OP is pretty goady.

I think some of the issue is that MN has this peculiarly polarised view of relationships. Quite improbable numbers of posters assert that they are blissfully happy with their soulmates, have marvellous sex lives with no hint of long-term boredom, consider their partners more gorgeous than any other person in the world, blah blah blah. And others jump on the ‘he looked at another woman, the hoor’ bandwagon. The complexity and muddle and misery/happiness of ordinary life gets a bit ignored.

I was just agreeing with her that these types of threads are likely mostly insincere.

Thats not what I said.

I said that just as the OW is as described in the OP post, so is the man.

They are as bad as each other but in different ways because of the different roles they each play in the goings on.