AIBU to think there are few worse crimes on here than to be the OW

[OnADarkDesertHighway]

I think there are criminals who have been convicted of horrific offences who would get a better reception on here than OW do.

Personal attacks might be throwned upon but OW seem fair game. Cunt is a common insult to call OW and hardly anyone objects.

Yeah it is shitty to fuck another woman's bloke but no insult is off limits.

I do not believe some hardened criminals would be in receipt of the level of abuse OW get. Nor do the DH/DP's get anywhere near as much condemnation as the OW do.

I did think of that. I don't think the OWH is aware that it had been carrying on for at least 4 months. I really did feel for him. They had been together for 14 years. Met them once, before they had their latest child and envied their lovely family unit.

Throughout 2013 I had several bouts of thrush. Never ever had that before. I did wonder where it had come from?! Oh and when I was packing up my belongings from the house I found a swingers card for a club in Edinburgh (dated Jan). He had been working there. He claimed it was his friends?! I still can't understand why all this and why he didnt even bother to go to counselling with me?! I went to Relate for over a year all by myself.

I have sympathy with the original post. Never been an OW. Never been cheated on (AFAIK).

I strongly disapprove of cheating. I think some people are just bad, have no integrity and are unrelenting cheats. However, I think that some marriages are genuinely unhappy and I can understand how, in that case, someone who would never have imagined it could form a genuine and lasting attachment to another person. Ideally the problems in the LTR should be addressed rather than dealing with it that way but if someone is deeply unhappy and confused it would be a struggle. Still wrong but understandable.
I often feel uncomfortable reading threads involving OW on mumsnet because of the vitriol and hatred directed towards the OW. Who knows what they have been through, how much they tried to resist and how genuine their feelings are?
In my experience a lot of people stick out marriages in which they are extremely unhappy because they think they should - but end up completely lost. It's only when someone comes along who they have strong feelings for that they have the strength to pull away from a dead and destructive relationship. I think it is quite understandable. Don't get me wrong - being cheated on must be terrible and it is good that those affected get great support on mumsnet but is demonising the OW really necessary? Some of the comments on mumsnet threads are crude and hateful.

Notenjoyinglife The problem here is that this OP regularly starts the same threads over and over again looking for approval of her position in involving herself with a married man who only left his wife and moved in with her when the wife found out and in turn, slung him out. It wasn't exactly loves young dream. She has also admitted on other threads that there have been other married men. Once can be a "mistake" but not repeatedly. As you haven't had that experience yourself, I can assure you that is is not often the case that the cheater "pulls away from a dead and destructive relationship", it is more that they are ruled by their genitals. To be honest, saying being "cheated on must be terrible" is hugely minimising of the destruction, pain and devastation caused. I know, I am still trying to recover after two years.

So is demonising the OW (or OM for the sake of fairness) really necessary? Yes it is. Anybody who sets out to destroy somebody else's family because they can't find somebody single is, in my opinion, the scum of the earth.

I mean no disrespect to you but you really haven't got a clue if it hasn't happened to you.

I have no idea who this poster is and can't recall her other threads.

But if she continually starts threads justifying her position as OW, she obviously isn't happy. or talking shit to get a reaction.

There's an awful lot of projecting going on again. I feel for those who have been hurt and I know how awful it is to be betrayed in that way but unless you have a census statistic to back you up saying MOST men are led away by their genitals is a bit ridiculous. That sounds like a fairly primitive rational and a very unlikely one... It probably has a lot more to do with self esteem and ego on both sides of the coin both the reason for straying and the explanation accepted by the jilted party.

If it was as cut and dried as men are animals led by their dicks and OW are all just a bunch of slags then why do the feelings and resentments linger for years? If men are just hormone driven pillocks tempted by their dicks then surely it is just nature? You wouldn't feel betrayed by a bird flying away, it is in their nature to do so... So why be torn up over a man who cheated? He's just a man after all.

But no, it is more complex than that isn't it? You can SAY that a man was led by his dick and you can SAY that the OW is all kinds of unpleasant things but that doesn't make you feel better, does it? The hurt still runs deep because it is not that simple, because it is harder and scarier to look for fractures in ones own life. Now this isn't to say that anyone is to blame for the betrayal that happens to them, far from it. Just pointing out that casting stones and laying blame at other peoples character flaws doesn't help either. If it did then there wouldn't be a need to get online to vent about it.

They are both CUNTS...knowingly involving yourself this type of relationship is cuntish make all the excuses you want deep down you are a couple of...

Sorry for your experience MrsC. I don't mean to minimise the pain caused. I have friends who have been through it.

I still struggle to understand the persistent level of vitriol exhibited by some on here though.

I still struggle to understand the persistent level of vitriol exhibited by some on here though.

I think if it happened to you instead of happening to a friend you would well understand some of the other posters.

Notenjoyinglife - it happened to me and I think the vitriol on here is very unhealthy. But then, I was only really able to heal when I decided to not hate anyone.

I still don't like OW but I have had a couple of reasonable and polite conversations with her and am still with my OH, although it took a lot of work. I genuinely believe that affairs are, most of the time, a symptom and not a cause. I have never seen anyone IRL cheat in a happy relationship.

I really did swear to myself that I wasn't going to continue to get embroiled in this thread and all the others the OP has started under different names but Tabsicle I have to disagree with you there. I have discovered that my husband had affairs all through our marriage, from quite early on. As far as I was concerned, we loved and trusted eachother, had an amazing sex life, had lots of good times (as well as bad, who doesn't?) but there was absolutely nothing that would have given him cause to do that except his need to feed his ego and because he could and because he knew I trusted him implicitly. He was extremely vain and loved female attention. I just think he is extremely flawed and has a lot of issues. It was nothing to do with our relationship at all. However, he has had to completely rewrite history to "explain" why he felt compelled to leave, to the astonishment of family of friends who all know he is a compulsive liar. I didn't deserve that and am aware that he has already cheated on the current OW (who he actually describes as "current"!) and will continue to do it forever more. Sad really, especially as the collateral damage is so huge.

MrsC - you may well be right in your case. I don't profess to know everyone and there are all sorts of people under the sun.

I guess neither of our experiences are universal. I'm sorry you've had such a lousy time.

I am trying to seek solace in the fact in the age old adage "the grass is always greener". My ex claimed that relationships shouldn't take so much effort. They do when the newness of each other wears off. Trying to move on here with a new partner but its tough as you always feel that you are completely to blame for the ex roaming. One day...

Tabsicle, I do know what you mean...I know a couple of people who will readily acknowledge why they've ended up in a situation like this. I am currently trying to support a friend, now in her late 30's, has been with her husband since they were 14. He's gone off with an OW, readily admits that he "enjoyed the attention", knows he's made a huge mistake, but now there is no going back. What a fool, a beautiful family, two beautiful children, nothing wrong at all, which he readily acknowledges, it was just an ego thing. Ruined everybody's lives though. It's just so pointless and sad I think .

Citybumpkin, you're not to blame..and relationships are hard work, that's the whole point isn't it? You have to put in the graft to keep going. I think the grass is rarely greener, just a different shade of bullshit really. I take comfort in the fact that my once fit, handsome, teetotal husband is now a hugely overweight, alcoholic mess. The OW has done her best to ensure he is as unattractive as possible as she knows she can't trust him. It's a psychological fascination for me! He's lost his home, his kids, friends, livelihood and now is dependent on her for everything. He even drives her dead husband's car. What a way to be in your early 40's. His roving cock has cost him everything and it was bound to happen eventually. I feel little no sympathy for him. I am really glad you are moving forward with a new relationship, I hope this is wonderful for you and you have a long and happy life together

Sky this thread was started by me cos I was a tad taken aback by the level of insults thrown at OW on here.

I expected condemnation and flaming and cannot object to criticism of OW behaviour. But repeated use of 'cunt' and remarks to OW calling them holes for MM to put their cocks in and 'wank sock' are unnecessary.

You are most correct with your assertation suggesting many people view all step mums to be the wicked step mother. It is not my experience. Many step mums are kind women and they should not be judged just on their step mother status.

You are most correct with your assertation suggesting many people view all step mums to be the wicked step mother.

I think you forgot to add 'when the step mum was the OW, the mistress'.

I have a fabulous step mum, I have two in fact.

I also have the most wonderful step dad who's the only dad Ive ever wanted or needed.

I have a stepmother, she is a wonderful person and I care deeply for her. However, she wasn't fucking my Dad behind my Mum's back. You are not a kind person if you've wrecked that child's family. Sorry.

Fair points. My mum had a step daughter (not OW) and step daughter loved her for the kind, selfless woman she was.

There is a media stereotype of wicked step mother which was kinda the point I was making. Even if step mother was not OW.

Your original post was nothing to do with stepmothers. I think you've lost track of your many threads.

MrsC, the OP, comeondown/onadarkdeserthighway will now do all she can to pretend to herself that its ok for the children/child not to want her because its a stepmother thing in general. Its not that its her, its nothing personal.

Sansoora

I don't believe husbands are things that can be stolen or lured away. I've never known a happy couple where both partners were fulfilled and unexpectedly their marriage came crashing down because of an affair. The harsh judgement OWs, or anyone for that matter, receive serves no one except perhaps to temporarily make the person slinging feel superior. We all have stories. Complicated and complex ones. Do I wish I could go back in time and not have an affair? Of course I do, but I can't. Over a decade ago I didn't see how much hurt it would cause. He told me his marriage was over and he was moving out and did within weeks of anything romantic between us. But it matters not one jot to his ex. She chooses to ignore all that was wrong with their marriage and focus on just the last few days because it absolves her of any wrong doing.

I've never cheated on anyone and I've never been cheated on (that I'm aware of anyway), but I have met plenty of people who have experienced either and sometimes both.

One of the common themes I've picked up on is how both the unfaithful partner and the OW/OM completely fail to see the bigger picture until it's all out in the open and it's too late. Then there is lots of hand-wringing of course. I've rarely come across anyone who has truly, objectively assessed the risks of what they are doing and thought 'fuck it, I don't care about the fall out, I'm going to do it anyway.' Most people are not out-and-out evil, they're just woefully self-obsessed at the time they begin the affair and this translates into horribly selfish behaviour. Some of them will then mask the guilt they experience when confronted with the inevitable consequences by going into full-on defensive mode and attacking the innocent wounded party.

OW is not a criminal offence but it blimmin well should be. What even is the point of it, insane behaviour...