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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be fed up of social conversations going like this...

213 replies

nevereverhaveiever · 16/11/2015 01:27

To DH: what do you do for work? Oh that's very interesting. And where do you do it? And do you incorporate x and y in your work? Oh we must meet and chat about what our professions have in common. Did you see X story in the news regarding your profession? What do you think about it?

To me: Do you have any children? How old? Enjoying school? Good.

I work too! Nobody ever asks me what I do. I actually do a more objectively interesting job than DH. I am dying to tell someone about it but if they only ask me about the kids, I can't just volunteer it.

Any suggestions as to how I might steer people away from the children topic and be able to talk about my job with them and get a fully, fledged, interactive conversation at social occasions?

OP posts:
chrome100 · 17/11/2015 15:46

I have to say I have never been in a situation where someone has asked me what my partner does and not me.

Also, I pretty much know what all my friends earn, we talk about it. It's not a secret.

I don't see asking and talking about work as a social faux pas.

vvviola · 17/11/2015 16:33

lavenderhoney having spent quite a number of years as the expat with a trailing husband, I've lost count of the amount of times I was asked what he did, in the assumption that I was the trailing spouse. Which is fine, I was happy to correct them kindly and move on, but I did get a bit sensitive to it towards the end (especially at one excruciating baby shower that I'd taken annual leave to go to because the woman was a very good friend, where everyone seemed to either not believe me or be scandalised that my child must therefore "be looked after by someone else" (gasp). )

lavenderhoney · 17/11/2015 19:16

Vv, most people had maids, even sahm's. one woman I knew got up at 6 to get ready for the school run, but the maid got the DC up, dressed and ready, fed, did the lunch boxes whilst madam did her hair etc. It wasn't me:)

no one asks me now - I do work but if you talk about anything other than DC at the school gates ( I lead a quiet life) one tends to be ignored. I like hearing about people's lives and jobs. It's so interesting, and you never know what wonderful hobby or skill they have. Or just how they live, if they want to share.

IWasHereBeforeTheHack · 17/11/2015 20:37

In my NCT group there was one woman who defined herself by her DH's job!
OK, so he was on TV a bit, and when she introduced herself as his wife I didn't know what to say in return because I'd never seen him on TV anyway. I got the impression she was trying to sound superior.

Mehitabel6 · 17/11/2015 22:31

I think it is sad that anyone needs to be defined by a job.

Pollyputhtekettleon · 17/11/2015 23:01

People's jobs are often a huge part if their lives Mehitabel6. Some people have worked hard and planned carefully to get there so although I agree it shouldn't be the only defining thing about a person, I wouldn't criticise anyone for seeing it as something of great importance to them, important enough to mention when meeting people for the first time. There has to be conversation about something.

Kewcumber · 17/11/2015 23:35

There have been times in my life where I have pretty much been defined by my job. I worked hard to get there, I was young, it had a lot of travel, it was difficult and challenging but exciting, I worked with great people, I have no children and my then DP was posted overseas in the army.

It wasn't a thing to pity me for.

My life has gone through many iterations (and probably will go through many more) - being a mother just now defines me because I have a dependent child.

When I lost that job I learnt to explain who I was to people without referencing my job. It was difficult at first but I managed. It isn't necessarily a problem to be defined by your job if that's what you want.

Mehitabel6 · 18/11/2015 07:45

They may be a huge part of their lives but they are a small part of who they are. I find them interesting if the experience is relevant to the conversation but otherwise boring. There are far more interesting things to talk about than jobs and children! I suppose they are OK as starters, a bit like the weather, as long as you can get off them pretty quickly.

Kewcumber · 18/11/2015 09:25

That rather depends on your job and your children. In my experience people who are interesting tend to be so whatever they're talking about and vice versa. Someone who thinks that the detailed minutiae of their child's potty training aren't likely to have a finely tuned dull-o-meter and are just as likely to be quite boring talking about politics or religion or world peace.

I have some pretty funny stories about both my child and my job I'll have you know!

GreenPotato · 18/11/2015 09:31

My job is not a small part of who I am! It's just not, it's a huge part. It's a creative job and deeply connected with who I am and what I need to do to stay sane. You can't just make a blanket declaration like that.

Kewcumber · 18/11/2015 10:04

If you work full time you also spend a significant chunk of your waking time at work so whilst it still might not be a significant part of who they are to some people there will be many who don't feel the same.

JessieMcJessie · 18/11/2015 13:46

OP, I agree with a previous poster- your DH holds the solution to this problem. So you're both introduced to someone who doesn't know you (let's call him Pete). Pete says to your DH, what do you do for a living then? The beauty of the English language is that this question could be addressed to just your DH or to both of you. This is where DH responds "I'm a sewage engineer and OP is a management consultant". in fact, some would say it's rude for him to assume the question was directed at him only, and also rude for him to go off in a conversation about his job that doesn't include you.

I have also been an expat- DH and I actually met in the foreign country, each having been sent there by our respective jobs. We were often asked "so, what brought you to Hobg Kong?" and whichever one of us answered would always tell the questioner about both of our jobs.
My pet conversational hate is when I ask someone (usually someone I already know) "how are you?" and they immediately tell me all about what their kids are up to rather than actually answering the question...

Alastrante · 18/11/2015 13:56

This thread reminds me of a woman I knew who very clearly assumed I twiddled my thumbs all day waiting for school to end.

I run a company - I do it from home but nevertheless, I make money, pay tax, contribute to society. She just never asked! Once in a while I'd mention something to do with it and she'd say 'well I wish I had time to do whatever I want". Most perplexing. It got quite funny after a while (once I realised it was a lost cause).

Don't be that person!

Mehitabel6 · 18/11/2015 15:09

However are you going to cope when you retire GreenPotato* if your job is such a huge part?
It may be huge to you, but I have no interest in knowing what it is- unless it happens to add something to a particular conversation.
I can see it is the small talk that starts a conversation, like the weather, but after that you hope to leave it and get onto something more interesting.

OnlyLovers · 18/11/2015 15:20

Mehitabel, I've got to be honest, you're sounding a bit spiteful and very dismissive.

Perhaps GreenPotato talks about other things now, too, including her job? Perhaps she will talk about other things when she retires? Perhaps she'll continue doing things out of interest that are connected with her current career, and will talk about those?

slightlyglitterpaned · 18/11/2015 15:32

I think it is sad if you can't imagine that someone might value different things, and identify with different things.

I identify with my job, I find it intellectually challenging, absorbing, and feel very lucky that I get "paid to play", as far as I'm concerned. Some people feel like that about other stuff but would hate my job. Some people can't ever imagine a job being interesting. Some people can't imagine ever reading a book for fun.

I will probably find it easier to chat to someone who has a lot of similarities, but have had great conversations with people very very different to me.

Sallystyle · 18/11/2015 15:49

You should try being a man who doesn't work.

DH gets asked often what he does. He cringes when the question comes up. He finds it a bit easier now he can say he is a SAHD. But when he used to say he didn't work it was a conversation killer, but he didn't want to go into details about why he doesn't work.

BitOutOfPractice · 18/11/2015 15:50

I would imagine Mehitabel6 that it's the people who go around dismissing people and their large swathes of their lives as "boring" that will struggle most in retirement. My mom always said that only boring people are bored

Anyway, that's not what the OP was about. It was about the different importance and interest people place on men and women's jobs purey because of their gender

Mehitabel6 · 18/11/2015 16:00

I am retired - and busier then ever! The only problem is that there are too many things to do and they clash.
If people were not defined by their jobs U2HasTheEdge then your DH wouldn't have the problem. He is the same person whether he works or he doesn't- it depends whether people are interested him as a person.
I went to something recently where we had to introduce ourselves and say something about ourselves and the really refreshing thing was that it turned out that not one person gave their job or what their job used to be. It is very liberating. No one mentioned their children either.

OnlyLovers · 18/11/2015 16:03

Mehitabel, no one is denying that people can be boring about their jobs, as about anything.

But you seem to have a pretty rigid stance about talking about work AT ALL.

Mehitabel6 · 18/11/2015 16:03

I was a teacher but try not to mention it in social situations because everyone has opinions. I love talking about education, but realise it is terriby boring to have 'shop' talk for those in a different line. Meeting new people for the first time is not the right time to get into it. I had a good old chat with an old friend yesterday- but it was just the two of us.

GreenPotato · 18/11/2015 16:04

However are you going to cope when you retire GreenPotato if your job is such a huge part? It may be huge to you, but I have no interest in knowing what it is- unless it happens to add something to a particular conversation.*

I didn't say you have to be interested in it! Just that I take exception to a blanket statement that your job can only be a small part of who you are.

I hope I'll never retire, there are so many creative things I still want to do. I'm self-employed and freelance. But if for some reason I couldn't work, I expect my creative hobbies would become more central.

Of course I talk about other things too – friendships and relationships, kids, politics, feminism, my hobbies (to those who share my interests), and of course conversations about what's going on in the other people's life too.

Mehitabel6 · 18/11/2015 16:06

I don't object, but it is just small talk- you can steer it your way. If it is important for you to mention your work then it is up to you to mention it.

Mehitabel6 · 18/11/2015 16:07

Since the majority of mothers work these days I would ask the same of men and women.

GreenPotato · 18/11/2015 16:08

I think "terribly boring" is very dependant on who's having the conversation. I tend not to bore on about work to everyone, but it's great having an in-depth conversation about it with someone else who is really into it and knows all the latest news/trends/gossip.

Likewise with any other topic. I have a friend who shares my interest in literature and we have long chats about it. I wouldn't do that with anyone else because they would be bored. Same goes for my interests in sewing/textiles, music, camping etc. You bond over things with people who are also interested. That may or may not be work-related, depending on the person.