To be fed up of social conversations going like this...

[nevereverhaveiever]

To DH: what do you do for work? Oh that's very interesting. And where do you do it? And do you incorporate x and y in your work? Oh we must meet and chat about what our professions have in common. Did you see X story in the news regarding your profession? What do you think about it?

To me: Do you have any children? How old? Enjoying school? Good.

I work too! Nobody ever asks me what I do. I actually do a more objectively interesting job than DH. I am dying to tell someone about it but if they only ask me about the kids, I can't just volunteer it.

Any suggestions as to how I might steer people away from the children topic and be able to talk about my job with them and get a fully, fledged, interactive conversation at social occasions?

They aren't treated differently round here. I'm always being asked what I do and my dh is regularly asked whether he has children.

Seems a bit odd to me that someone would insist on meeting up with someone else again simply to talk about each others' professions. Vomit... What they probably really meant was that they liked your dh and wanted an excuse to meet up with him again, to get to know him better and maybe establish a friendship (it was a social conversation, after all, not a business one). Express extreme fascination in your profession and suggest meeting up again to talk more about it and, if they were a man, they might worry you thought they were flirting! If we are talking about a woman, I'd be worrying about their abnormal interest in meeting up again with your dh to talk about their mutual professions!

Honestly, defining people by their job title and/or whether they have kids and what they do with them is a bit.. boring. Of course the questions shouldn't be asked on gender-differentiated lines and... we need to remember it's just as sexist not to ask men about children. We don't tend to get our knickers in a twist about this in a capitalist society as no one really cares one way or the other about who provides childcare as it is considered low status.

Really these conversations are about establishing status - an evolutionary throwback to flashing your nether regions, baring your teeth or beating on your chest. People, in general, are happier when they define their own success rather than focusing on how other people view their lives. If you are intensely passionate about any aspect of your life, then talking about that can be a great source of connection with others - but that's not what's at stake in these types of interactions, where no one really cares about your work or your kids but are just trying to work out your place on whatever ladder they've mentally constructed as being worthy of ascending.

No, the purpose of the conversation depends on the purpose of the person asking the question. When I ask people what they do, I have bugger all interest in their status, I just want a mental image of how they spend their time, to get an idea about whether or not they enjoy it, so that I can decide how to carry on the conversation, to find something they might have some interest in talking about, to find out more about the sorts of things other people do in the hope I find them interesting/something I can ask more questions about. It's better to ask the question than to stand in awkward silence, wondering what chips the other person has on their shoulder.

Obviously I get that talking about children and work can be very boring - but they are good starting points to move forwards into, "have you seen this film and have you read this book, and what do you think about this other topic? Or what's it like doing this or that?"

You can't always start a conversation with a left field topic that could be completely irrelevant to the person. I honestly believe that family and work are the springboards for most conversations to go to the deeper more interesting stuff.

And I agree that I need to learn to steer conversations better, but I'm from the school of thought that volunteering lots of information about yourself, and steering conversations on to how they're relevant to something about you is rather crass.

Yes, they are good starting points, but give the poor person asking the question some credit - they don't want their question to crash and burn, or to always be the one having to ask the questions. It isn't crass to steer them towards something you would like to talk about, provided you are also interested in what they do and say, rather than intent on a monologue all about yourself! What on earth is wrong with saying you were interested in the conversation about their profession that they were having with your dh and, eg, it draws some interesting parallels with your own (ie can we carry on with that a bit more, please, as I'm not in the mood to talk about my family at the moment, now that you've caught my interest on another topic?)? Or if not, asking them about their family, as they have taken an interest in yours, and then asking how their family life fits with their work, etc, etc. It's just so easy to switch from family to work to hobbies and back if you are genuinely interested in the other person, rather than merely looking for opportunities to sell your status to someone.

It's nothing to do with "chips" roundaboutthetown but wanting to make conversation less awkward if people aren't overly keen on their job or don't have one right now. You don't have to stand in awkward silence. It's traditional to talk about the weather first , then perhaps "busy day?/ How was your day?" and then the workophiles can let loose if they want to!

Well, exactly, Ena - it's not about chips, so don't make people feel awkward for asking a simple question, just interpret the question in a way that you feel comfortable with and take it from there.

OP the person talking to your DH sounds a bit intense for a social occasion. I understand the demand to be equal. (Even if it involves gruesome conversations!) I'd love to hear about your work (a bit..) so do steer the conversation that way when you have the opportunity.

Time to outgrow that bit of conditioning if it's making you unhappy.

I wouldn't make you uncomfortable but I think if anyone wants to make a success of small talk, dropping: "And what do you do?" is for the best.

I had someone at work express surprise that I had a dd as I didn't look like I had.....

I think if you wear a suit, you couldn'tpopossibly be a mother too.

I was at a social event and was introduced to a lady I hadn't met before. One of her first questions was "What does your husband do?" I was shocked! She hadn't asked me about what I do...

Badly phrased. I don't think this. Others do.

Well, admittedly, I avoid asking people what they do as an opener - I usually wait until they've given themselves away as someone who might want to tell you, however, I don't blame others for asking that question, or for asking whether or not I have children, because I don't just jump at the assumption they are a status obsessed sexist. They are just two topics that interest people, because one or the other or both factor in a lot of peoples' lives.

Now, I know a lot of people who find talking about the weather hideously dull small talk!

Mmg yiu see that on here a lot. Dh is very high up in xxx...
on a thread about jobs.

I don't jump to that conclusion either but my earlier post said beware the question (especially when it gets to the stage of interrogating SAHPS or retired people on what they used to do) because it might wrongly look like an attempt to assess people by cv.

OK if it's a networking event of course!

What no hurricanes or floods round your way?

You don't know you are born rounda.

The Met Office is naming UK storms now (Abigail, Barney..)but will thay never better the Scots "Hurricane Bawbag!"

God, one of the things that I loved most about moving away from London to the north was getting away from the dreaded 'And what do you do' question.

It's such a dull question and it's designed to see what social class people are, how much money they might have and how useful they might be. I found when I moved up north people would be much more likely to take an interest in you as a person when they met you than simply as a cipher attached to a career.

I tend to find the question is did you watch strictly/corrie/ x factor last night. Which I find so much more dull than jobs or children.

I think you need to meet some like minded people. But these are probably folk you don't know very well. I'm not interested in what other people's husbands do. That's quite boring I think. I don't mix in these circles thank goodness.

Booyaka - no, that is not always the reason for the question, and if it is, then it's good to find out early on that the person asking it is a tiresome twat that you won't enjoy small talk with, anyway. Any question can be interpreted the wrong way by someone if they are the sort of person who does not incline towards giving people the benefit of the doubt. London, however, may well be more full of status obsessed bores than anywhere else, I wouldn't know about that!

Generally the most non-contentious starters are based on what's happening there and then.

Weather
Parking/directions/traffic e.g. Did you find your way here alright today?
Are you enjoying the food? What are you ordering? How do you know (the hosts)?

Dull? Possibly. Likely to offend anyone? Not really.

I don't think anyone has ever opened a conversation with me or dh in company by asking what we do for a living.

I take the opportunity when someone new (only strangers/vaguely distant relatives) asks me what I do for a living to invent some batshit alter-ego which renders them speechless. At a party last Christmas an old Uni friend of DH's I'd never met before asked me "So, I suppose you don't work now you have the boys" and I replied "Oh no, I love flying and still pilot aircraft for BA". He was like 'Wuuuuuuhhhhhh?" as I pranced off, pissed out my tree on free cocktails.

I'm a TA. Just a TA, mind, when anyone talks about my job. But I love it and I know for a certainty that I work 57 times harder hour-for-hour than DH (I've done his job previously) though he earns spectacularly more. It's so backwards. "Just" anything is patronising bullshit to enable people to feel better about themselves subconsciously.

much more likely to take an interest in you as a person - but what I do is a big part of me as a person. I spent years studying it, I spend many waking hours every day doing it - it would be peculiar if it didn't influence who I am the slightest. More than my hobbies, or what I watched on TV last night. Similarly, having kids is part of who I am. I don't mind being asked about either, but it is sexist to assume that men have jobs and women are only interested in talking about their children.