To be fed up of social conversations going like this...

[nevereverhaveiever]

To DH: what do you do for work? Oh that's very interesting. And where do you do it? And do you incorporate x and y in your work? Oh we must meet and chat about what our professions have in common. Did you see X story in the news regarding your profession? What do you think about it?

To me: Do you have any children? How old? Enjoying school? Good.

I work too! Nobody ever asks me what I do. I actually do a more objectively interesting job than DH. I am dying to tell someone about it but if they only ask me about the kids, I can't just volunteer it.

Any suggestions as to how I might steer people away from the children topic and be able to talk about my job with them and get a fully, fledged, interactive conversation at social occasions?

We spend an awful lot of our waking hours at work, over the course of a lifetime, so surely it's not that surprising that, for many people, their jobs do 'define' them? I also think you realise how much jobs define people when you think about how gendered it is - men's jobs are socially constructed as defining them far more than women's are, as this thread shows.

My job defines me to the extent that I was utterly miserable on maternity leave.

"Patients name: KitKat, Date of Birth: blah blah 1985" and then she continued to talk to herself and filled in "occupation: full-time mum". I actually have a full-time, demanding job,"

When we got our mortgage with Santander I was working as a contractor/self-employed.

So, as the mortgage was a low loan-to-value (due to me paying over 50% of the actual cost of the house from my money and DP paying another 20%), I suggested we only use DP's salary for the reference point, which more than covered the amount we needed, in fact the mortgage is less than his annual salary now, after just two years.

Santander put me down as a 'homemaker'. I objected and they said I was either a homemaker OR I could be used as one of the financial partners - it was a joint mortgage, we just only used DP's salary details. I objected vociferously but it didn't get me anywhere. Homemaker.
I wonder how they would have dealt with it had it been my salary we were using and DP had not used his, can't see him being put down as a 'homemaker'.

They then sent 'welcome to your new home' flowers in just his name even though the mortgage and house are in both names.

Twats, all of them.

Find a way to get your job into conversation if you're that keen to talk about it.

I generally find I make conversation relevant to the person I'm speaking to so if I know you do paid or voluntary work id ask you how it's going. I wouldn't straight out ask you what you "do", that can be a really rude question for parents, particularly mothers.

Many parents feel judged for not working or working and the question does suggest not working means you aren't "doing" anything.
I find it depressing how little our society values children and childrearing/caring and feel that asking about jobs can be a loaded question.

I also don't see why talking about a job is interesting but talking about children is boring. Again a sign of how little we value children.

God, yes, Deo, I brought this up during my wedding ceremony. The registrar looked embarrassed.

Well that is what happens when we don't live somewhere trendy any longer and have left London, sigh ......!

Try being the higher earning partner of a couple where the man gave up his career to be a SAHD. That's a situation that many people find very, very difficult to get their head around.

If you let your job define you, what happens if you find you can no longer do it?

Do you have to invent a whole new you?

I think people are defined by their personality and temperament.

Everything else is secondary.

Worral, lots of people suffer loss of identity when they retire or lose their job. I don't think this is controversial. I guess they will either find a new job or something else to fill that gap in their lives. Life is rich in its variety.

I don't ask people what they do unless I'm interested. It's really that simple.

People I like I want to find out more about, people who's kids are in the same year as mine, I want to rub along with so I will talk about shit that we have in common ie.the kids.

I also work PT from home and probably loads of people assume I don't work. Maybe that's why they don't ask, maybe they couldn't give a shit - whevs. These aren't people I care about. The people I care about know what I do and that's fine by me.

Uh, Americans do not think it's polite to ask you salary.

Another possibility is that people don't ask about employment because maybe they work at McDonalds or maybe they are hedge funds managers, and worry that the answer might be on the opposite end of the spectrum. And then an awkward silence for all but the gifted conversationalists.

I love hearing about what people do for a living - and a significant part of how I define myself is by my job. I did my 1st work experience in my chosen area of work when I was 14. Since then I did GCSEs, A levels, degree, postgrad 2 years training and over 10 years on the job - I'm now 39. I did almost nothing else in my 20s (well, that and holidays). I make no apologies for it being a huge part of who I am and the company I now work for does some really interesting things too.

My hobbies include sewing and taking photos - I enjoy them but can see how others may not be so riveted in my tales of overlocking or f-stops. Equally I have lots of sporty friends but find conversations about gym routines, protein shakes and PBs dull in the extreme.

I think it's a real shame some feel we can't - or shouldn't - ask what people do for a living. If you've chosen to be a SAHM then speak about it as a valid choice. No need to be embarrassed because you're doing something different than the person you're speaking to. No need to justify the choice. I frequently hear the "...oh, we're lucky, I don't need to work..." to which I always reply "Oh I don't need to work, I want to". Which is true.

If it does come up, then DP tends to bring my job into the conversation anyway so I don't think we'd find out if someone was going to just ask me about kids.

Puzzled why your DP doesn't do this OP, maybe you need to train him to respond "oh I do X, and neverever is a lion tamer" (or whatever your exciting job is).

Well I'm defined by a lot of things but my job is a huge, huge part of it. It involves producing something so it is a great source of pride and it means a lot to me to get it right. It also comes with status, which yes I do like and care about. And being that working person, when I'm concentrating, interacting with other professionals, or using my expertise in my field, gives me a sense of self and being who I really am, that I don't get from domestic duties.

I love my DC of course and I'm actually quite a homey person too who likes baking and homemaking, but something major would be missing if I didn't have the work life too. For me – I realise not for everyone.

I can't just volunteer it Er yes you can. Especially if it annoys the f**k out of you.

"Yes - we have kids, two ages 3 & 6. I'm a full-time nuclear fusion engineer by the way" Pointed look.

If you don't tackle every day sexism, it's not going anywhere

I'm pretty sure that maxillo facial surgery is a full blown medical field outside of dermatology/cosmetic surgery dealing with diseases and injuries to the face. I'm not sure whether a previous OP made the comment about the other mum looking 25 because she was impressed at that level of qualification, responsibility and time for kids; or because he/she presumed it's a cosmetic field? If the latter, another form of everyday sexism that a young beautiful woman working as a surgeon had to be a cosmetic surgeon.

Being desperate to talk about your job is as tiresome as being desperate to talk about your kids. Social conversations are just that - people trying to think of things to chat about. If you're bothered by what you are talking about, then you steer the conversation elsewhere, but to be desperate to talk about your career, as though that says everything about you, is really a bit pathetic, as is being offended by a simple question. It's the response to the question that matters, and the response to the response, as there is nothing fundamentally wrong with asking someone whether they have children, or what they do with their time: they are just attempts to find something to talk about.

Max-fax isn't anything to do with cosmetic surgery, Tread, and I really don't think that's what the PP was implying. It's a surgical specialty that generally requires you to be dual trained in both medicine and dentistry.

To DH: 'So you work for X company! Doing x? Oh you job must be terribly interesting! Wow! etc etc'
To me (with patronising smile): 'And do you do anything as well?'

We worked for the same company, me being about 5 levels higher than him, earning several times his salary. Most of his family still thinks I do a little bit of filing or similar..

And yes, having a SAHD will give you many interesting opportunities to confuse people
-But who is taking care of your baby?

• same person that takes care of yours, the other parent.
• Oooh, aren't you brave, leaving them home alone like this!
• why, do you worry how your wife will manage?

grumpy I'm a SAHM. My hobby, however, is being a member of the Tolkien Society.

Hubby and I have our own business - for the most part he is the consultant and network that is out there getting the business, I am background stuff (Accounts, HR, Salary stuff, VAT, bookkeeping, marketing, PR) and also dealing with all the stuff when he is away which is most weeks from anything from 2 days to 5 days out of the office. But I do all the strategy and marketing, finance - chasing late invoices, negotiating on late stuff and also some management consulting.

It is mostly assumed I am "the wife" on the books for tax purposes and haven't a clue what any of them are on about.

That is until they are late and hubby threatens them with setting me on the case - selling me as a regular rottweiler!!! I have clients scared of me!! ROFL

But yes I hate the question "what do you do then" - bc I was the higher earner and am more highly educated and held a senior position...

But I have learnt not to care

Why should you care, unless you are one of those people who assesses peoples' human worth on the back of their income or qualifications? It takes one to know one, as they say!

Bathsheba I would be very happy to have a long chat about that :)

people who are saying that jobs are boring anyway and what does it matter - didn't you read the OP? For the same person, her DH's job was interesting and mattered, but hers doesn't and it's all about the kids.

Yes it matters because women and men are treated differently and it's sexist.

I get "Are you working?" usually. Doesn't assume you are or aren't so quite good. Still not what a man would be asked though. And I'm often asked if its part-time.

Yes, it's very sexist. We want the same treatment.