To be fed up of social conversations going like this...

[nevereverhaveiever]

To DH: what do you do for work? Oh that's very interesting. And where do you do it? And do you incorporate x and y in your work? Oh we must meet and chat about what our professions have in common. Did you see X story in the news regarding your profession? What do you think about it?

To me: Do you have any children? How old? Enjoying school? Good.

I work too! Nobody ever asks me what I do. I actually do a more objectively interesting job than DH. I am dying to tell someone about it but if they only ask me about the kids, I can't just volunteer it.

Any suggestions as to how I might steer people away from the children topic and be able to talk about my job with them and get a fully, fledged, interactive conversation at social occasions?

I always get asked about my job/business, and would much rather talk about other things

DH had a good one recently - he introduced himself, and was met with, "Oh, I know who you are, you're Fred* & Sadik" To which his reply was "No, I'm not, I'm Fred!"

*some names have been changed to protect the innocent

i am slightly envious that you're all having conversations with people who ask about you.

dd2 has recently started school, and no-one at the school gate has asked me anything. I try to make polite chit-chat on various subjects: I ask about their other kids, holiday and weekend plans, jobs, opinions on Jeremy Corbyn or Peter Andre…and no-one asks me anything. I was starting to worry that asking people about themselves has gone completely out fashion, and I'm coming across like Jeremy Paxman or Columbo or something.

Oh I absolutely hate it when people ask me what I do. I always have done.

Interestingly, when I lived rurally, hardly anyone ever asked me. I just don't think people were that interested. We talked about everything else under the sun instead. The only time I think I got asked was by a client of dh's.

Now I live near London and everyone keeps asking me what job I do. Nearly everyone works here, so the assumption is you do something.

I feel like I've never had a satisfactory answer, whether I was a sahm, working in dh's business or in my previous fairly high flying career - it all either sounds dull or takes too long to explain or both

Actually the most interesting stuff I've done has been unpaid. I've always been busy, no matter how big or small my pay packet.

Nooo I'd much rather chat about the kids than my job!

This happened once at the nursery door:

Woman 1, to woman 2: What do you do?

Woman 2: talks a bit about her job, they chat about their work and how interesting it is..

Woman 1, to me: And what do you do Freezer?

Me: Oh, I'm at home with the kids.

Woman 1 turns her back and walks away.

It was awesome, I had never seen the like before. Also, I was holding DD at the time, with her unrepaired cleft lip, naso-gastric tube, hearing aids etc so I would have thought it was pretty clear I had quite a lot of stuff, y'know, going on.

(Then, a year or so later, I was at an event in town to honour a local bigwig. Woman 1 was there, in some sort of role dealing with visiting bigwigs. She was most surprised when the BiggestWigOfThemAll broke away from her, and swooped down on me with a "Freezer! I didn't know you'd be here!", all kisses and smiles. He'd been a close colleague before I stopped work. She tried to talk talked to me quite a lot after that.)

I remember talking to a bloke once when the kids were swimming and he asked if we were local and told him the general area we are from he said he knew the area then his next question was

'How many bedrooms does you house have?'

I was like 'urm 4'

Him - 'oh that's fantastic'

Me - 'is it?'

Then he started telling me why he thinks 4 bedrooms is better than 3 or 5 beds. It's was very indepth

So thinking about it, I would prefer to discuss my boring job or kids.

Sadik, is there any particular reason why you keep getting asked about your job or business? I can understand it if you are like Marissa Mayer

I think this everyday sexism about women and jobs and kids is the very very worst and most insidious sexism I encounter

This struck a chord with me:
"But when it's a more general social event , men are always asked first about their job . I always enjoy asking men who have children how they manage to combine work and family, if they have a nanny / childminder, how they cope in school holidays etc. They find it so confusing - some of them ever answer " oh I'm married " , as if their marriage certificate came with free full time housekeeping and childcare for 20 years"

I try not to mention my job. I'm a teacher, everybody hates us and I hate the inevitable 'lucky you, finishing at 3 and getting all those holidays' comments. I do find it interesting hearing about people's jobs though, or what they did before they had children.

It is a minefield - people are either offended that you think they MUST have a job, or are offended that you think they JUST look after the children, and usually the person asking doesn't give one hoot one way or the other, but has just got stuck in a small-talk minefield without realising. It is everyday sexism, however, I agree.

I'm not sure I ever ask people what they do, male or female, unless they happen to mention that they're off to work/can't do X because of work or whatever.

Don't the Royals ask: 'and what do you do, during the day?'

It avoids the whole 'do you have a job' to validate you thing and everyone can talk about what they do in the day, even if it is having a pot of tea and finishing a jigsaw vs. running the IMF...

EnaSharples I thought exactly the same thing. When I was a SAHM I hated being asked what I 'used to do' - it always came across as 'what did you do when you were contributing to society'? Even when kindly meant, asking about work can put people's backs up, which is why I don't do it. I butted into a conversation once between two people I knew slightly, as in they had kids in ds1's class: one was talking to the other about how quiet business was at the moment. I brightly chipped in with "oh, what business do you have?", thinking that she was talking about a business she owned - turned out she was a waitress in a local cafe . I looked like a right twat.

StealthPolarBear I find some people's jobs interesting, but e.g. my SIL works in marketing for a credit card company. Wtf do you say beyond 'how's work'? On the other hand, I know people who are teachers, midwives, care workers etc and I can happily talk about their jobs (if they want to). And obviously I am actively stalking the Madonna impersonator.

In my experience the British way is to not ask people what they do directly, as evidenced by the people on this thread who don't like it, but to spend the whole conversation talking around it, with the other person giving little hints, until you have worked it out. It drives me insane but I join in anyway.

When DH and I were out for the evening, we would often meet friends who would greet him, and then say to me "Where is little dc? So who is looking after her tonight?"

OldGrey, I will keep that one up my sleeve

I'm very happy to say that what I do defines me, far more than being the mother of an entirely fabulous three-year-old. I've worked in my field for 20 years, and only been a mother for three, apart from anything else.

I think that being asked/not asked about your job if you're a woman varies wildly according to a number of variables, one of which is certainly, ime, geography. (Another is social class.) My son was born in London (Boogle, the anaesthetist for my CS also asked me what I did - they must be taught it as a calming technique at med school!) and the parents, men and women, mostly MC, I met through north London NCT coffee mornings and the like all talked about our jobs because it was a nice reminder there was more to life than night feeds and inexplicable wailing. There were medics and actors and architects and SLTs and bloggers and art restorers and solicitors and restaurant owners and music promoters and someone who managed a group of Freudian psychotherapists, and an opera singer. Everyone was returning to work.

When my son was a small baby still, we moved to the country. The situation is entirely different here - very few women I've met with children under school age seem to work at all, and, presumably responding to (or producing?) that lack of need, FT 8-6 childcare five days a week is quite difficult to come by without travelling into the nearest city. None of the local childminders work Fridays, and the local pre-school is only open Mon, Tues and Thurs 9-2.45. So people ask me about my DH's job and are baffled when I reply about my own. Being a working mother of a 3 year old is seen as quite a political position.

Laura: "In my experience the British way is to not ask people what they do directly, as evidenced by the people on this thread who don't like it, but to spend the whole conversation talking around it, with the other person giving little hints, until you have worked it out. It drives me insane but I join in anyway."

I agree, Laura. It used to perplex me this coy social dance but I have had to adapt living in the UK for almost 2 decades. Where I am from it is not unheard of for people to ask your salary after just meeting you

I don't think anyone's job defines them.

It would be a bit weird if it did.

Back in the dark ages (1989) when I went to uni I was regularly asked 'What does your father do?' shortly after being introduced to someone.
I was a outraged at first; my mum had worked full-time since I was 2 but she might as well not have existed to these people. What my father did was their deciding factor on whether I was worth knowing or not. Then I simply followed a friend's advice and would respond 'He's a fire-eating juggler and contortionist' and move on, judging them as tossers not worth knowing before they could judge me.

The same tossers still exist, they just ask slightly different questions these days. Sod 'em!

I was at a conference recently for engineers. I was chatting with a stalwart of the industry when we were introduced to a couple who were new to the trade.

Introducer: this is Fred Bloggs and this is his wife Jane

Me:

Stalwart: Nice to meet you. Which of you is the engineer?

I thought that was brilliant - made the introducer look a right tit!

WorraLiberty on a basic linguistic level, it does if you can say "I am a ...." as in I am a doctor, I am a teacher. Nobody says "I am a marketeer". They say, oh I work in marketing for xxx company". So on that level, it can define you if you can respond in that way.

Bitoutofpractice That's brilliant. I wish more men - and people actually because women often make the same assumptions - were like that.

Yes, the British way is not to ask. Americans ask and even ask your salary! We are more subtle here.
I don't go round sayingn I'm a leading lawyer who eanrs a lot wrote 30 book whilst working full time and bringing up 5 children. I'm the usual modest playing things down person socially although I do as a feminist think it's important if anyone assumes my children's father bought this house or pays the school fees or whatever I make it clear I do .Ditto when I pay for heaps of us to go skiing I am not happy if restaurants hand bills to someone with us who just happens to have a penis when I'm paying. We have to fight everyday sexism on all levels on a daily basis.

Bitout - very good line. I do the same.

If we could get "working father" into the lexicon too we'd find a lot of fairness with regard to questions about working mothers.

And when ic Cameron going to progress his marriage certificate change to the law? He promised it. I was not happy two years ago that I and the groom's mother - pretty successful lawyer and doctor paying for most of the very expensive event are not on the marriage cert - just the non paying lower earning two fathers of the couple!

It's not always gendered though obviously it may be in some cases. My husband doesn't talk about his work socially, unless tangentially out with workmates or former workmates when it is simply part of their shared social background.

People who on first meeting drop mention of their job title as a modern version of the calling card are a bit much.

I like "Keeping busy these days?" as if someone says no I like staying in with a pot of tea I've maybe found a soulmate and if they want to tell me about their days spent battling workplace giants I'm happy to listen.

If people love their work it can be very interesting to hear about but for many it simply isn't what they want to discuss.