AIBU to allow my DD17s boyfriend stay the night in her room

[budgiegirl]

My DD is 17 and has a boyfriend aged 18 who she's been seeing for nearly a year.

She has asked if her boyfriend can stay the night, but my DH said no. I'd be ok with it, as I know they are taking precautions, and she's a sensible girl.

I do understand why my DH is unhappy about it, but I reckon he's just trying to pretend they don't have sex, even though he knows they do.

Is he BU or am I?

The other problem I see is that if you let bf1 stay (because you like him, it's a "stable" relationship etc) and then you don't let bf2 stay (because you feel he's a controlling shit), isn't that going to cause a massive row?

Probably, but as a parent you have to right to do exactly that.

A massive row isn't the worst thing in the world.

I'm all for not letting shit boyfriends stay over!

My mums rule was that (from when I was 17) she didn't want to meet anyone in the middle of the night who she hadn't been properly introduced to at least once before. It was important to her that I saw sex as something positive, to be enjoyed as I wanted to - and she felt being able to have sex in my own home without hiding it (but obviously without flaunting it) was part of that.

I actually only ever brought my dh home, but in the early stages of our relationship we wanted to be together all the time. His mum wouldn't let me stay over so he did virtually live at my house (I upped my board to reflect that). Mum may not have seen him as her family but she treated him that way anyway.

Our relationship with my mum reflects that time spent together. Until recently we'd never spent evenings watching tv or cooking with my MIL. We've been together nearly 20 years and it's now about them being part of our family.

Maryz That's a really reasonable post and I can see where you're coming from. That's why I think that all situations are different, it's much trickier in larger families I think.

But isn't it a poor message to say 'sorry Steve isn't allowed to stay over even though he's lovely, just in case you end up with an abusive boyfriend in the future and the precedent has been set'?

And what if the abusive boyfriend becomes an abusive husband? Presumably he'd be OK to stay over then? In which case the objection can't be about the potential to be abusive?

Very good point about teenagers digging their heels in if you object to number two staying over though, I quite see that. Maybe number two should be welcomed with open arms, as well as gritted teeth?

I was in my 30s when I met my now husband. I still wasn't allowed to sleep in the same bedroom as him if we visited my parents (which we did very occasionally, large house in the country). To the extent that on one family occasion, when they had the whole family, including cousins, nephews and nieces etc to stay I had to sleep on the floor somewhere (while the small children all got beds, natch) rather than be allowed to share a room with my then boyfriend, who I was living with.

Do I win most ridiculous parents award?

Needless to say, I will not be following their example.

sheba wow. Pot. Kettle. Black

worrel I gathered dd was having sex with her BF as she was quiet open about where she was staying the night and that she had been to sort her contraception out.

I don't look down my nose at anybody who thinks this works for them and their kids but for us it just wasn't somthing I really wanted to go down.

dd1 moved in to her apartment with her BF at 18 so it really was no hardship her waiting and she wasn't reduced to having sex in public

From the messages saying the only reasons not to let them are bad parenting, your own hang ups , uncomfortable meetings in the morning etc. On the other hand it looks like a main reason people are saying to let them is because when they were younger it was/ could have been annoying that you couldn't.

Which seems like a lousy excuse also, and whilst we're at it a few posters have recalled good memories when not being allowed to have sex in the house.

I was never allowed boyfriends to stay over while I lived at home. I am eternally grateful to my parents for ensuring that I had a space where I could retreat from my ex, all the while blaming them for the fact we couldn't sleep together. I just wasn't ready for sex, but I was too nervous of appearing childish to actually tell anyone that. I have a brilliant relationship with my DM, as do my siblings - banning boyfriends and girlfriends from staying over did no damage to our long-term relationships with her or DF.

Well I think it is silly that some suggest that not providing someone a place to have sex, which is meant to be a grown mature activity, would provide an immature reaction that it would strain a long term relationship.

precisely, Candy

if my daughter held a life long grudge against me for not letting her boyfriend sleep in her bed overnight (note, "letting" her shag or not is not in the equation) then I would consider it a vindication that I didn't think she was old enough at 16/17yo

I have let my kids have boyfriends/girlfriends stay over, from the age of 17 or so, which is when they first asked. In four years DS has had one girlfriend sleep over, DD has had three boyfriends.

My younger kids do not seem particularly traumaed by it: they are learning that sleeping with a partner is a normal part of adult relationships and not something to be furtive about or ashamed of.

I have no problem with seeing extra young people over breakfast: they are always pleasant young people we have already shared many meals with anyway.

Having a boyfriend who had previously slept over didn't seem to impact on how my DD ended her previous relationships, (both 8 months or so). Actually in both cases the boyfriend simply wasn't around our house for a while before she broke it off, so I guess there was a cooling off period.

Why does the bf need to sleepover? Why can't they have sex on the couch after everyone has gone to bed and then the bf goes home. That's what I did when I was 17. I'm sure they are already doing it in the house when you're not there. I wouldn't allow it when my sons are older.

My 17 year old son is at boarding school. On the weekends his lovely girlfriend often stays over at our house; he gets up early, goes for healthy bike rides with her (instead of lurking on Facebook), is very appreciative of my cooking, and cleans his skid marks.

She is friendly and funny, likes hanging out and playing music with us, and is very nice to his little sister. If we didn't let her stay here, they would go to her house and we would be so much poorer in so many ways.

Those of you saying you won't allow it, can I ask what you'll do when/if your kids are still coming and going when they're fully grown?

I know this is a bit of a tangent and I can understand having concerns while they're still 16 or 17. But what will you do when they're 20+ and still haven't got a place of their own?

I don't think referencing what your parents did back in the day is very helpful. The world has changed.

Never had a problem with it, DS is now 22 and his girlfriend of a few years regularly stays over. And whilst they may have had sex I can almost guarantee it wont be in his bed at night when she stays over - I am a very poor sleeper which he knows and wouldn't risk the embarrassment of being heard!

Most couples keep their sex lives private from their DCs - perhaps some of you don't. I wouldn't fancy listening to headboards banging or rampant groans from my DCs and their partners. Teenagers are pretty selfish and that would be something I would prefer to avoid and the easiest way is to say no staying over.
Perhaps if younger DCs had left home I wouldn't care but whilst there are other DCs there i'd prefer to avoid it.

I had the same dilemma last month. My daughter is 17.5 and her boyfriend is 18, and is her first "proper" boyfriend (and same for him!). They have been together since May this year and I like him very much. Strangely enough, it was me who was more reluctant than DH when she asked and I can't explain why. However, he stays over most weekends now and I have no problem at all, I don't know why I ever did.

Flo, I don't know yet if I ever will allow it.

My dd is no longer a teenager and not moving out any time soon so I guess it will come up again when she gets a regular bf.

Whatever happens, it will be discussed with me, DH, her and my younger dc.

I cannot think of anything worse than adding another moody, lazy, space-occupying, work-generating, responsibilty-generating, privacy-sapping individual to my household.

I find that really sad. DD2 has, as I said earlier, been with her BF for 18 months+, they are lovely together, very devoted, sweet, and kind. Like the little old married couple in Up. I have a hell of a lot of time for her BF, he's a good kid, he helps out round the house and garden, is no trouble at all, and is 100% not moody, lazy, or any of the other insults mentioned above.

He IS one of the family. It works two ways. He knows I love him like a son (I do, he's great), he knows he is always welcome here, and that this is his home, and in return he is polite, respectful, and a super partner to DD.

I let DS''s GF stay over - they had been going out for just over a year and I knew it was going on - didn't really have a problem with it. They weren't that bothered about sleeping over though - the joys of having working parents and lots of 'empties'!

I wouldn't have BFs/GFso to stay if they weren't nice, respectfull you adults, or if the DCS started demanding to be allowed after only going out with themy for a really short time though.

Thanks for answering AnyFucker.
I think this is something a lot of us are going to have to get to grips with. Our children just aren't going to be moving on and moving out like we could.