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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to allow my DD17s boyfriend stay the night in her room

300 replies

budgiegirl · 15/11/2015 22:14

My DD is 17 and has a boyfriend aged 18 who she's been seeing for nearly a year.

She has asked if her boyfriend can stay the night, but my DH said no. I'd be ok with it, as I know they are taking precautions, and she's a sensible girl.

I do understand why my DH is unhappy about it, but I reckon he's just trying to pretend they don't have sex, even though he knows they do.

Is he BU or am I?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/11/2015 19:56

How old is she, strat ?

DownstairsMixUp · 16/11/2015 20:07

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Hotpatootietimewarp · 16/11/2015 20:08

No one answered my question with regards to not everyone having the luxury of seperate rooms now a days? Some siblings have to share so what then when they start asking?

scoobydoo. Yes I totally agree and we live in quite a small house it is 3 bedroom but ex council so can you just imagine??? Shock

Seriouslyffs · 16/11/2015 20:16

Hotpatootie & Scoobie
I don't have a spare room, but there's often a child away and I'd put a guest in the living room and go to bed early before I put a guest in one of my dcs bed.

AnyFucker · 16/11/2015 20:16

I am glad, DSM.

It never did any harm that I can see to restrict sleepovers, but can certainly see that harm could be caused by allowing them.

AnyFucker · 16/11/2015 20:21

I do think that this is another area where parents want to be seen as their child's "mate", as a "cool" parent and that in some instances (in my own circle I am talking about here) they are actually frightened of crossing their even quite young children. Like their kids being a bit pissed off with them is a terrible thing to behold.

I actually do not care. I am not my children's "mate", I don't have to prove my "coolness" (or lack of it) and I believe at 16/17 yo I should still be the one making decisions about who gets to join our private family spaces.

Stratter5 · 16/11/2015 20:22

She's 18, AF. Turned 18 end of September. They are very young, and it would be unrealistic to think they will stay together, but it does happen. Meanwhile, they are both good, respectful, hardworking kids, and I treat their relationship as a serious one, as they do :)

TheComforter · 16/11/2015 20:24

AnyFucker - my eldest is 23, living in London (the other end of the country) in a 1 bed flat with her boyfriend. When she comes to visit, she brings him sometimes, and they sleep in her bed.

(Side note) She is a completely independent adult, no financial assistance from us. In fact, she is earning far more than either DH or I!

How would this work for you? Not being snarky, just genuinely curious.

AnyFucker · 16/11/2015 20:24

I hope it works out, Strat.

Chippednailvarnish · 16/11/2015 20:30

There's a world of difference between having moved out and being 23 and a 17 year old living at home who still goes to school...

MySordidCakeSecret · 16/11/2015 20:30

it's a no from me, yabu!

Stratter5 · 16/11/2015 20:32

Thank you, lovely. She's not got good health, I'd like her to at least have this :)

TheComforter · 16/11/2015 20:36

I know Chippednailvarnish. DH stills feels the same as AF though, so I'm asking her advice.

itsmine · 16/11/2015 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PoorFannyRobin · 16/11/2015 20:45

I'm in agreement with AF, Rufus, and others who are not afraid of appearing judgmental. It's the responsibility of a parent to try to use good judgment, and I can't for the life of me understand the logic behind thinking that he should sleep over since they are already having sex (which appears to have become a family-wide issue). The point is not whether she is a lovely girl who uses protection or that he's a nice boy or whether the father wants to accept that his daughter is a sexual creature, etc. It's a family home; no one should have to explain why a child or any other member in a family should not be allowed to use the home as free hotel for a current lover. Anyway, why does he have to stay overnight? Why can't they go to her bedroom for a few hours, not forgetting to lock the door, and spin a few records? I understand vinyl's back. The OP seems to want to take all the responsibility for arranging this issue away from the 18-year-old male and is just making it too easy, cozy, or something. It's going to end in tears.

Stratter5 · 16/11/2015 20:50

Except an 18yo is not a child.

Hotpatootietimewarp · 16/11/2015 20:56

Unfortunately with my DC there is quite a gap between them 6 years in all. DD is 7, DS is 2 and other DD is 8 months, the plan is for Youngest DS and DD to share until I feel they need space at which point Youngest DD will go in with older DD. What then? As I said upthread it's an ex council house so not as easy as just sticking someone somewhere else.

AnyFucker · 16/11/2015 21:03

My daughter is still quite immature at 20. I think it's an individual thing. Like I said, we all bring our own experiences to the table.

landrover · 16/11/2015 21:13

Teenagers have sex? Really? All of them? It saddens me that sex is treated so casually now. Sad

AnyFucker · 16/11/2015 21:14

No, not all of them. And it doesn't sadden me as such, if all is equal and respectful.

Maryz · 16/11/2015 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

janethegirl2 · 16/11/2015 21:17

I think Landrover that teenagers always had sex, I certainly did and I'm no spring chicken Smile and both my dcs did too.

kerbs · 16/11/2015 21:35

I found out afterwards, that when my 17 year old DD's boyfriend stayed over, they weren't having a sexual relationship. They just wanted to be together apparently. Perhaps we assume rather too much about our children at times, my DD is far less open minded than me, she thinks I'm an old hippy.

AnyFucker · 16/11/2015 21:42

heh

When my dd was no longer with her cheating bf she had a girly holiday coming up and I said "be sure to snog lots of nice new lads" and she looked at me like this Hmm

TinklyLittleLaugh · 16/11/2015 22:00

I just don't get the bolt hole thing.

Raise your daughters to have the self confidence to say, "This is not working for me, I don't want to sleep with you".

Rather than encouraging them to pretend they would be well up for it, only their fuddy duddy olds don't let them have boys over. Tell them it's ok to say you don't want sex, no need for bolt holes.