To give my DC my surname?

[GummyBunting]

This is a hypothetical situation really, but my OH and I have decided to TTC in the new year. Whilst chatting about the specifics, I said that as we are unmarried, I would want the baby to have my surname.
He was not happy. He wasn't overly mad or angry or upset (he's not the type) but I could tell it really took him aback. Is it a really weird request? And AIBU to actually dislike the assumption that babies will automatically get their father's name?

To avoid a drip feed:

• I've always said I'd prefer to be married before having a baby. It probably isn't going to pan out that way now which isn't the end of the world, but I've always been honest about my preference.
• We do intend to marry at some point.
• I have a double barrelled surname. Please don't suggest I triple barrel, poor child.

Did anyone give their child their own surname? How did it go? Did the Dad mind?

I gave my son both - win win. Mind you mine is the last part so if shortened he's called after me

My son uses my name, but officially has his father's name. I regret allowing a man like his dad to have the glory of a child in his name when he's done nothing to actually shape that child.

If you want to get married, then make sure the children have your name, then there's an incentive for their dad to do something about it.

I remember talking to the midwife about last names just after my first was born. She said she wished more women would give their children their name not the dad's. She said it causes loads of problems at doctors/schools match parents with children, and nine times out of ten it's the mother you're dealing with.

That was in reference to surnames or clan names in Scotland bertrand

I just don't know anyone who uses a different name to their husband. In your social circles it might be prevalent but not in mine. Why would that make you frustrated? If I don't know anyone who does I don't know anyone! I know no one who is a different religion either.

You must realise there are whole sectors of society who do not have the same beliefs and values you hold?

Why does what I call myself seem to upset you? It doesn't upset me what other people call themselves. However I am aware of different ways of living.

Each to their own!

You don't know any poor people, any women who have kept their own name upon marrying, or anyone who is of a different religion to you?

That's quite some bubble you're living in!

Or a Mormon compound.

Not sure I'm following your train of thought there, curre

I'm handing you a grip because you think that I am a fucking racist bigot ( your words) because I think a family name helps to bond a family....

i have an unusual surname, so when i have children they will have my surname and any partners i have can change their surname to mine if they wish, but i will not be changing my surname if i have children or not and also if i get married or not!

So having the same family name doesn't have anything at all to with bonding as a family?

You are just looking for something to get upset about, there are millions of families out there that DO have the same family name, why do they? I havent said anything negative about not having the same name (except i dont like it in the same way i dont like the colour green)

I am not a bigot and not digging a hole either, in the same way we live in the same house, we eat our meals together, we have the same name, its all part of the bonding its part of the glue that holds us together. Some parts are more important than other, and some less so. Other cultures have their way of doing things, traditions, some good some not, including names and whatever they choose to do... I dont think they are inferior - (your words) they're different, doesnt mean worse.

You obviously have some huge chip on your shoulder about something, and i dont really care if you want to spew your keyboard warrior vitriol at me for some imagined insult, because it means someone else who might take it to heart isnt getting it HTH - keep it coming, are there any more names you would like to throw at me?

yes I am very aware I live in a bubble socially. i didn't set out to avoid other groups of people, but I am being honest when I say that's the group I mix with. All white. All Christian, all have degrees, all married.

I have of course come across people in my work that are single parents, or from a different religion, but they are not friends, therefore I wouldn't count them in my social group. So I am aware - but it doesn't occur in my social circle and that is what I meant!

Having read this thread though, I'm even more glad we have the same name, it seems to make life a lot easier!

Just out of interest, humour me I'm curious, if you aren't your DH name, are you still a Mrs? If you are married of course? And how do you expect your post to be addressed? Do you write both names, and which comes first?

Is there a protocol?

"All white. All Christian, all have degrees, all married." All unquestioning.

Humour you?

Hive- I hesitate to say something that might make your head explode, but there are people who are in happy, settled long term relationships who aren't married. Some of us even......... have children.

And,nperhaps even more shocking- there are women who are actually married who don't use Mrs. Yes, really- it's true!

Again rather rude bert I don't ask why my friends got married, or why they share the same name! For all I know they might even have a good enough reason for you.

My friends are my friends. Nor do I poke fun at them for being a Christian. I am just being honest when I describe my social group.

That's the point, it doesn't make my head explode, I don't mind, really. It's just not for me. I like being married with lots of children. But I wouldn't force it on anyone! I don't know anyone who is in that situation as yours socially.

ok - CurrerBellend, why do teams have names?

I am married, I am not a Mrs. I go by Ms or sometimes miss and I kept my surname. My husband has his name and the kids have both. We were togetger 17 yrs and had five children before we got married! Post gets addressed to us by first name and surname. No particular order, some just put to the myname -husbands name family, that's fine.

People have got my name wrong and I have just politely corrected them.

Bills, bank accounts are in both names and it tends to be my name that goes first, so post like that comes address to miss/ms first name my surname & Mr first name dhs surname.

Oh ok, I get that madthings I would hate to offend anyone you see, and not really having come across it I just didn't know! For all I knew there could have been some convention I just wasn't aware of.

I think it's very important to address people how they would like.

Just out of interest, humour me I'm curious, if you aren't your DH name, are you still a Mrs? If you are married of course? And how do you expect your post to be addressed? Do you write both names, and which comes first?

I don't use any prefix unless pushed (and then I'll use Miss or Ms, never Mrs). I don't wear a wedding ring and its nobody else's business whether I'm married or not. Men aren't expected to change their name or prefix so neither I don't see why I should be.

This is a public forum and as much as you would like me to run away scared from your scary posts... including name calling, i AM allowed to be here and entitled to as well.

ohhh... avoiding the question, surely its very relevant as we are talking about names and bonding groups.... (like what else would it be)