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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To give my DC my surname?

412 replies

GummyBunting · 13/11/2015 16:00

This is a hypothetical situation really, but my OH and I have decided to TTC in the new year. Whilst chatting about the specifics, I said that as we are unmarried, I would want the baby to have my surname.
He was not happy. He wasn't overly mad or angry or upset (he's not the type) but I could tell it really took him aback. Is it a really weird request? And AIBU to actually dislike the assumption that babies will automatically get their father's name?

To avoid a drip feed:

  • I've always said I'd prefer to be married before having a baby. It probably isn't going to pan out that way now which isn't the end of the world, but I've always been honest about my preference.
  • We do intend to marry at some point.
  • I have a double barrelled surname. Please don't suggest I triple barrel, poor child.

Did anyone give their child their own surname? How did it go? Did the Dad mind?

OP posts:
HeadDreamer · 15/11/2015 13:56

Traditions get automatic respect because they are traditions!

Really? I don't respect tradition just because they are traditions. Maybe you shouldn't own properties then? It's the tradition of britain isn't it? Or how about not having the rights to vote? It's pretty much the norm for most of the history of this country. How about being shamed for having a child out of wedlock?

Lets not even start with FGM, not having the right to drive, work, etc. That's the tradition of some other cultures. I don't respect it and I don't think it's right just because it's how things were done.

HeadDreamer · 15/11/2015 13:56

And marrying your cousins. I think that's pretty much the not acceptable thing now isn't it?

Oldraver · 15/11/2015 13:57

I think it a bit rich for a man who hasn't married before his DC's arrive to then moan they wont have his surname

Headofthehive55 · 15/11/2015 14:10

How rude bertrand because I enjoy taking part in traditions? I agree some wax and wane, some are revived, some fall out of fashion. I really don't mind what others do but to suggest I am unthinking because I enjoy taking part in rituals that have been around for years I find hurtful, unkind and very rude.

I do not mind what others do, but I certainly would not be unkind or rude to someone because they do no follow my path.

I wouldn't have a child out of wedlock, but would not shame anyone for doing so.

Graduation ceremonies for example. At one point they were falling out of fashion in some countries and some areas of the UK. Why on earth dress up in a black gown and prance around? Get your certificate posted to you! Much easier! But people like traditions and ceremony, but I don't mind it others don't!

AngelSparks · 15/11/2015 14:21

CurrerBellend
How very weird of you. I'm wondering if you knew that there are many cultures where not all family members have the same surname. Do you think they're not as bound as a family because of this? If so, bleurrrrgh at the racism.

That particular weirdo poster said she thinks all having the same name binds you as a family. Now, there are a great many cultures in the world, possibly the majority of humanity actually, where family units don't all have the same surname. This is a fact. If she, you or anyone else thinks that having the same surname is part of what binds you as a family, that means she thinks not having the surname means you're missing part of what binds you as a family. She is basically saying that her cultural and ethnic traditions are superior, for no other reason than that she's pulled it out of her arse. That is pretty much the dictionary definition of racism, actually. If you don't understand that, the problem is with you rather than the explanation. You're allowed to think your own naming traditions are nice, and to like it when people practice them. When you start suggesting that they bind families more than other people's, that's some vomit worthy prejudiced shit I'm afraid

......

Ultimately, the problem with angelsparks remarks isn't the fact that she likes family all having the same names. It's fine to enjoy one particular cultural practice. It's the fact that she said doing is part of what binds you as a family. Because that means one of two things must be true. One, she doesn't know that huge numbers of families across the globe don't do it. In which case, she should probably do a bit of research before making sweeping pronouncements. Or two, she does know that but thinks they're not bound as families because they're following a different cultural tradition to hers. Which is where the racism comes in. Either way, her ignorance is problematic.
end

No - not racist, just in 'my culture' (English) a family unit tends to have the same name - with modern day changes where people dont stay married to the same partner (or even get married at all) things change and evolve.

if you would bother to read what I actually put " To me, thats part of what binds you as a family" - see the key part here "PART" Classic example of someone trying too hard to find a problem where it doesnt exist

"vomit worthy prejudiced shit" really? is that what you are reading in to my comment? says more about you than me really. To read racism in to a comment about family names grouping/binding a unit is a leap further that most (pa crossthrough linethough "normal") people would take. Thanks for your helpful insight (attack) on my personality

My friend got married and she took his first name as her middle name - (eg she was Jane Michael Smith) that their tradition.

I was reading up on surnames, and most places have some kind of family name (these ones i thought were interesting and worth sharing)

Interestingly In France, until 1 January 2005, children were required by law to take the surname of their father. Parents can give their children the family name of either their father, mother, or a hyphenation of both – although no more than two names can be hyphenated. In cases of disagreement, the father's name applies

In Germany today, upon marriage, both partners can choose to keep their birth name or choose either partner's name as the common name. In the latter case the partner whose name wasn't chosen can keep his birth name hyphenated to the new name (e.g. Schmidt and Meyer choose to marry under the name Meyer. The former Schmidt can choose to be called Meyer, Schmidt-Meyer or Meyer-Schmidt), but any children will only get the single common name. In the case that both partners keep their birth name they must decide on one of the two family names for all their future children

roaringfire · 15/11/2015 14:23

It used to be the law that wives and children took the mans name because they were seen as the property of the man. Nice background to that tradition eh? Why some women insist on perpetuating this outdated practice is beyond me. My children have both our names. DP was not happy at the time but he got over it. He proposed shortly after DD 1 was born and said we'd could all have his name. I said again no, he doesn't get it. I don't care.
Only one other child in DD's class has both parents name. I hope by the time she has children it will be an seen as ridiculous and old fashioned.

Brioche201 · 15/11/2015 14:28

I think people will assume they are kids from a previous relationship and not your DPs

BertrandRussell · 15/11/2015 14:31

"to suggest I am unthinking because I enjoy taking part in rituals that have been around for years I find hurtful, unkind and very rude"

I didn't suggest that. I said that to give automatic respect to traditions simply because they are traditions would show that you were unthinking.

MyNewBearTotoro · 15/11/2015 15:03

Both my DC (different fathers) have my surname. DD's father is not on the birth certificate and isn't at all involved so it was obvious she should have my surname.

DP (DS's dad) and I aren't married and I wanted DS and DD to have the same surname so it seemed obvious to give him mine too. Luckily DP isn't very traditional and was happy for that. If we get married he will likely take my name.

MyNewBearTotoro · 15/11/2015 15:16

Sorry posted too soon.

I think if you want DC to have your name permanently it makes sense to give them your surname but I think it sounds a lot of hassle to give them your name initially and then change them when you marry. And if you later divorced and changed your name back you'd still be left with the kids having a different surname to you.

If you definitely intend to marry you could change your name on having DC to his even if you're not married yet and give the DC his name. Or triple-barrel with hisname-yourname1-yourname2 and drop your names when/if you marry. That way the DC will always have your name as a fallback if they want.

Unreasonablebetty · 15/11/2015 15:17

My daughter had her dads last name and it was the biggest mistake I ever made.
I was told not to by my mother, which I put down to being her bitter old self, but it seems that really would have been the best thing if I would have had her have my last name.
I don't want to get into too many specifics, but it has meant that at one point there were 3 separate last names in our house.
It has meant that my daughter has lived life, with her absent not giving a fuck fathers last name, which I would say has affected her emotionally- and change of name deeds are almost impossible to get without going to court or having the fathers permission (very rarely does that happen!!)
And even after I have managed to change her name by deedpoll, there is no guarantee that the passport office will accept it, so it still might hinder where we get to go on our holidays, because some places aren't very understanding about these things- was warned unless my daughter has the same last name as me or my husband that Mexico isn't a good idea.

Personally if it were me, I would say if he isn't willing to wait until you are married to have a baby, then he needs to understand your baby will have your last name until you are married.

Obviously he could still turn out to bring you many issues in the future if you are married, but at least then you have the same last name as your child.

The whole last name saga has been a nightmare for us and even after changing her name it still comes with complications.

Headofthehive55 · 15/11/2015 15:50

I don't think anyone has suggested that cultures who do not take the same name are less bound as a family. However I would have felt less bound. That is an important distinction. It was important to me.

Having the same name, his name, was important to me. Much more than wearing a ring. ( have worked with several women that don't)
At the end of the day it's what's important to you. Isn't that what's most important? To not feel judged because you do or don't?

I must be living in a very different place. All my friends have their DH name. All children have said surname.

CurrerBellend · 15/11/2015 16:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Headofthehive55 · 15/11/2015 16:12

i certainly don't think it's outdated roaring in fact going by a clan name offered protection, was not being the Property of.

Being married and taking your DH name Is certainly very prevalent round here ( although in the poorer socioeconomic areas I imagine it's less prevalent, but I don't know anyone from that group)

AngelSparks · 15/11/2015 16:12

no - read it again Currer - "p a r t" of what bonds us as a family

AngelSparks · 15/11/2015 16:13

why do you think we have Team GB and not bob and cheryl and pippa? its because a 'name' helps to bond us - it doesnt matter whos name it was first

Headofthehive55 · 15/11/2015 16:18

I agree angel it's like a company name. We even talk of team hive in real life!

ProvisionallyAnxious · 15/11/2015 16:20

DH has a double-barrelled surname. When/if we have kids, their surname is going to be the first name from his 'pair', barrelled with my surname.

Headofthehive55 · 15/11/2015 16:28

I sign my name or print it more than fifty times a day. Glad it's not double barrelled!

Snossidge · 15/11/2015 16:34

The kids have my name. No one has ever asked DP if they are his as far as I know.

I agree that automatically respecting traditions because they are traditional is stupid.

CurrerBellend · 15/11/2015 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hygellig · 15/11/2015 16:36

I have one friend whose DD has her surname rather than her dad's. It's unusual though, at least amongst the circles I move in. You just need to come to an agreement that you are both happy with. I agree there's no reason why a child should automatically have the father's surname. If you have a double-barelled name, could you perhaps combine one of the names with your OH's surname?

I once heard of a family where two children had the mum's surname and two the dad's, which is another option.

I rather regret changing my name on marriage now - it was more unusual than DH's so perhaps I should have given it to the DCs.

Shetland · 15/11/2015 16:40

I wish I'd done this. My DC have DP's surname, I hate being 'odd one out' waaay more than I expected I would and he has no incentive to get married as there's not really anything in it for him.
I curse the day I didn't insist on using my name.

AngelSparks · 15/11/2015 16:44

here you go Currer - its a grip

BertrandRussell · 15/11/2015 16:45

"i certainly don't think it's outdated roaring in fact going by a clan name offered protection, was not being the Property of.

Being married and taking your DH name Is certainly very prevalent round here ( although in the poorer socioeconomic areas I imagine it's less prevalent, but I don't know anyone from that group)"