To give my DC my surname?

[GummyBunting]

This is a hypothetical situation really, but my OH and I have decided to TTC in the new year. Whilst chatting about the specifics, I said that as we are unmarried, I would want the baby to have my surname.
He was not happy. He wasn't overly mad or angry or upset (he's not the type) but I could tell it really took him aback. Is it a really weird request? And AIBU to actually dislike the assumption that babies will automatically get their father's name?

To avoid a drip feed:

• I've always said I'd prefer to be married before having a baby. It probably isn't going to pan out that way now which isn't the end of the world, but I've always been honest about my preference.
• We do intend to marry at some point.
• I have a double barrelled surname. Please don't suggest I triple barrel, poor child.

Did anyone give their child their own surname? How did it go? Did the Dad mind?

Actually, now that I think about it, it is pretty strange to give children the father's name if you're not married. Not sure that is even possible where I live. That's like randomly choosing a name for them, after all. The parent you can be sure about is the mother.

As for all this bullshit about traditions ... guess what, I do NOT follow all traditions automatically because they are traditions. I would not have a traditional wedding ceremony and probably not wear a wedding ring, because I do not like patriarchal traditions.

I observe the tradition of baking cookies for Christmas because I like cookies and deem the tradition a sensible one. Same with a Christmas tree. I love trees, I love shiny baubles and other stuff you hang on Christmas trees, therefore I feel like observing the tradition of having a Christmas tree.

Sticking to harmful traditions because they are traditions is a harmful practice and I do not encourage it.

You said you think all having the same name is part of what bonds you as a family. Since being bonded as a family is a positive thing, you think people who don't have this are missing part of what bonds a family together. That is, that they're inferior to you in that respect. And you think they're inferior because they're following their cultural traditions which are different to yours

I agree with the pp Currer, you are putting words in her mouth and appear to have a massive chip on your shoulder about families choosing to have the same name for some reason.

We have the same name here. I like it...it gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling inside. Along with a number of other things, I personally also feel that sharing a name is part of what binds us together and bonds us as a family.

That's it. If you choose to write yourself a story after that, adding bits on that I must therefore think i'm superior bla bla bla, those are your words...not mine.

and equally I follow a tradition (changing my name) because I like it. Obviously I don't follow harmful ones! I think we all follow some which we like and or agree with and drop others.

I don't think I've ever seen a poster clutch at so many straws to avoid answering a straightforward question Currer

Give up Summer, (i appreciate the support though) CurrerBellend is obviously upset about something or other, and extrapolating some random stuff that I'm not saying.

S/he cant answer a simple question, and has decided that I am completely evil, and without a soul? I mean, I must be, I look down on other people because they don't do the same as me, all you brunettes out there, you're bad, anyone who doesn't drive a ford, you're shit, got a Mac instead of a PC, yup. you're on my list, Dog person instead of cats, white bread instead of brown........ fuck me, i'm one step past Hitler i'm such a nasty person....

Maybe s/he could have a spa day to get over it?

so why do you think that teams have names?

insisting that people who don't follow it are less bonded to their family than me angel?

Can you quote where she said that? That others, who don't have the same names, are less bonded as a family?

Oh no wait...she didn't. YOU did

Ignore the squabblers OP. Of course it's not unreasonable to want your child to have your surname.

'I could tell it really took him aback. Is it a really weird request?'

So many outwardly enlightened men are taken aback when faced with this, it shows how ingrained the sexist assumption that a child will automatically take their father's name is.

Your name or both names is the sensible solution.

You dont think that it bonds them as a group then? You dont think that TEAM GB makes us proud and happy when our teams go well? ?

Or do you think that maybe just somewhere it makes them feel they have a bond because of the name, because they all come together under the one name, and do it together? What will i should at the football, "come on Tyler, Daley, Cameron, Michael, Matteo, David, Memphis, Marouane, Ander, Adnan, Phil, William, Jesse, Anthony, Juan" or am i going to shout "COME ON SPURS!" or whatever?

But its ok - I'm sure from that comment you will be able to deduce that i murder baby rabbits in my spare time....

I still think that it is part of what binds you as a family - i still stand by that, and if you have a different view, then thats fine.

You can marry and not change your name.
You can not marry - and change your name
You husband can change his name to yours
You could keep half your name and use his as the other half and give the child that new double-barrelled name.

"Remember that the father's surname is just as important as the mother's." a mother's surname is so often NOT regarded as just as important as the father's!

Don't really see the relevance of family names and sports teams names. Team GB is a convenient shorthand.

I have always to,d do that if we have children they will have my surname regardless. I do not know why children should have their father's surname if their mother's is different.

YADBU

I mean YADNBU

OP, you say you have a double-barrelled name. If and when you get married, why don't you keep one of your surnames, and swap the other one for DH's? You could do the same for your children. That way you'll keep part of your name while also incorporating his. If he wants to have the same surname as you and the children, he could double barrel as well. He wouldn't be losing his name, just adding one of yours. Of course he might not like this, because patriarchy, but you never know.

Disclaimer: I haven't RTwholeFT - I've read the OP's posts but not the others.

If you think doing X is part of what binds you as a family, that means you think people who don't do X are missing that part. That means you think they are less bonded

Fucking hell. You just can't even see what you're doing. Your 'that means' is what you think the poster means, which she has said is not the case. Not a factual conclusion.

For example:
I think that dc having dancing lessons is of huge benefit to them.

That, right there, is a finite statement. What you're doing is:

You think that dc having dance lessons is beneficial to them. That means you think that anyone who doesn't give their dc dance lessons is not doing that beneficial thing for their child. That means you see yourself as superior, for doing this beneficial thing that they are not. That means you are...bla bla bla.

All your 'that means' is YOU putting words in someone elses mouth based on your own thoughts, ideas and pre-conceptions.

Yes it's shorthand for that group. Isn't that what a family is? A group with something in common?