To give my DC my surname?

[GummyBunting]

This is a hypothetical situation really, but my OH and I have decided to TTC in the new year. Whilst chatting about the specifics, I said that as we are unmarried, I would want the baby to have my surname.
He was not happy. He wasn't overly mad or angry or upset (he's not the type) but I could tell it really took him aback. Is it a really weird request? And AIBU to actually dislike the assumption that babies will automatically get their father's name?

To avoid a drip feed:

• I've always said I'd prefer to be married before having a baby. It probably isn't going to pan out that way now which isn't the end of the world, but I've always been honest about my preference.
• We do intend to marry at some point.
• I have a double barrelled surname. Please don't suggest I triple barrel, poor child.

Did anyone give their child their own surname? How did it go? Did the Dad mind?

Ask the guy whether he would take your surname when marrying. If your surname isn't absolutely ugly, then a refusal to take it would be very telling - telling that he is not for equal rights for women, and probably not a man you want to marry.

vestal he's not against taking my name in principle, or us making up our own name, but due to the death of his brother his is the last of his name and would like to continue it. I have 3 brothers, so don't feel the same. Also since my mum re married she has a different name to me, as do my step family who are closer than blood in my instance, so the connection I have with my name is important to me really.

So I have no problem changing my name to his in these circumstances. But still feel strongly that whatever my name is, my children's should be the same.

*isn't important

I kept my name when we got married I'm Scottish and traditionally women kept their surnames (and this is still the case on gravestones). Not only that but MIL is from a Spanish speaking country where women don't change their names on marriage. I really strongly dislike the reasons why women traditionally changed names in England (moving from becoming a possession of their father to a possession of their husband) and don't want anything to do with that. I am me and DH is him and we both are happy keeping our own names. We both have nice relatively unusual surnames and no-one seems to find it confusing.

The DC have his surname now which I do regret, I wish that we'd given the DDs my surname and DS DH's surname but it's too late to change the kids surname now. I will probably suggest it as an option if the kids have children though. It seems a fair option and less cumbersome than double barrelling.

DH never expected me to change my name and did actually suggest we think about what to do with the kids surnames. He also works PT and shares the childcare. I agree the surname issue is a good indicator of commitment to equality.

I'm married and kept my surname. I would have been happy to change it if DH was going to change his too, and would have actually preferred that as we could then have a shared family name without entering the marriage unequally. Didn't mind if it was double-barrelled, merged, invented, picked from a hat, whatever. Sadly didn't happen though. So Dd has my surname and dh's is in there as an extra middle name. It's worked fine at keeping everyone happy.

However, I agree with pp that it maybe depends on what your surname will be post-marriage. If you're going to change to his surname/double-barrel anyway you might want to use your upcoming surname for the baby from the get-go.

"people will question if they are his kids if they do not have his name "

Why does this matter? Actually, whatever people say, I know why it matters- it's because of an atavistic feeling that a man's masculinity will be questioned if he is though to be bringing up another man's child.

"people will question if they are his kids if they do not have his name "

But I don't introduce my DC as Jack and Jill Dreamer. They are just Jack and Jill. I'm finding it hard to believe people will actually ask.

As for school you will be called Mr and Mrs children-surname no matter what you put in the forms. I never use DH surname and I'm still Mrs Hisname. I would imagine it's the same if you aren't married.

On the other hand, DH also gets Mr Myname. Tradesman and the likes of national trusts can't imagine people not married or using different names. And I get Mrs automatically once I reached mid 30s. No matter what I say. I really feel for women who wanted to be married but not and is upset with the Mrs thing.

"But I don't introduce my DC as Jack and Jill Dreamer. They are just Jack and Jill. I'm finding it hard to believe people will actually ask."

They won't. It's all caveman stuff.

Mm. It irritates me that when I go home people refer to me Christian name maiden name- that was. So I understand it when it frustrates you if people get the wrong name for you all.

I am not maiden name! I loved signing my married name for the first time, it signified a change, and it makes me smile. No I don't feel a possession, far from it, but I have joined a team. We belong to each other and sharing a name sort of signified that for me.

It's often said a women brings her culture and traditions much more to the family than the man, so I feel it's a bit like sharing. He gets the name. I get to impose my way of things. It's not called your mother tongue for nothing!

Absolutely agree Bertrand and others. It is pretty recent history that women had no parental rights in law. Pretending the convention of fathers' names being used is nothing to do with this is rather disingenuous.

Why would I care if some random person cares who DDs father is? A close family member of mine has one child with her surname and one with the father's name. You know what? No one actually cares, or has mentioned it or anything really.

Parental rights has nothing to do with it. ( in my eyes) I wanted to be the same name, and my children to have the same name too. Realistically the best option for us was to come under my DHs surname.

To that end I would not have chosen to have a baby out of a marriage, so in a sense the conundrum never occurred.

I recognise others may not feel the same, but for me it works well. I am sure some parents happily parent living separately and unmarried, using various surname combinations, but that was not for me. Don't have objections to those that do though!

"Realistically the best option for us was to come under my DHs surname."

Why? I understand the idea of all wanting the same last name- but why your DH's?

Tradition mainly, I get to go up the alphabet, it was his present to me, I had no intention of giving him mine as no one can ever spell it, lots of boys in my family whereas he was the only one in his, so both names continue. I looked forward to doing so to be honest and got really irritated if people thought I wouldn't or tried to call me my maiden name.

I feel I have a more of a link with his family and my MIL than if I was to keep my old name. I feel I am part of their family too now. He gets to see my family more so feels he is close that way I suppose.

I get that for some people, sharing a name with their DC is very important.

I get that for some people, they are happy changing their name to their husband's and want to follow tradition.

What baffles me is how some women seem to feel that because they were the ones who were pregnant - as if their husband somehow had a choice to be so, but refused it - the baby is more their's than their husbands and so they have far more right to, and to name, the baby.

Surely if you have different surnames, the sensible thing to do, as part of a loving partnership, is to discuss the issue and find a compromise that you are both happy with, without one parent throwing their toys out of the pram (whether that's because they are more bothered by tradition, or because they feel the baby is somehow more theirs).

OP - I think it's RIDICULOUS that so many people assume that any children will automatically take the father's name (when different names involved). It honestly boggles my mind that so many women seem to do it without even thinking about it!!!!

In your situation I think you need to compromise. You give ONE of your surnames and your partner's surname. It's the only fair way. I think YWBU to insist that the child gets your name EXACTLY if it's already double barrelled. That puts him in exactly the same position as you would be if you went with his name.

I am married but haven't changed my name. Our kid is getting both our names so double barrelled). If we have a girl and she marries, it will be for her to decide which name she wants to keep to double barrel with her husband (as I hope she would choose to do rather than just mindlessly taking another name).

my boys all have my surname - i didn't change my name when i got married so we had a dilemma which to use. I certainly felt there should be no assumption it should be Dh surname rather than mine.
All my cousins are girls on the side with my surname so if i hadn't used it the name would have died out
The same was true for DH his name has died out
Dh understood why i didn't want to change my name when we married - it didn't occur to him to think about children's names until i brought it up.
he was ok about it - but his parents weren't
In the end we gave them DH surname as a middle name
At the end of the day I had to be pregnant and BF, I have the varicose veins and excess weight. I earn the main wage. I look after them most. I gave up my career for them. I wanted children more than DH.
I can't see why they should have his name and not mine
I know friends who have divorced or separated that wish their kids did not have their ex's name
For practical reasons schools etc usually ring the mum and if they don't have your name it does cause problems if they ring up and ask for Mrs X (kids surname) and work says no-one the name works here. So i think its easier if have the name of the person who is going to be the main carer / contact.
It was a big deal to some relatives at the time but no big deal now (although the odd relative still sends me cards with my DH surname on, with double barrel names etc even though I have never used his name).My friends DH changed his surname to hers so they could all have the same name,

Give them your name. IMO you would be mad not to.

Even if you marry and change your name you have a 50% chance of divorcing, if you do the children will almost certainly live with you. I read once that two years after divorce only 50% of father's still see their children (although I doubt this). These statistics on seperation are all increased greatly if you are unmarried.

I really wish women would stop changing their name on marriage and just double-barrel children's names. I imagine if the practice did die out it would be something women in the future would be incredulous about, that you get married and you don't even get to keep your own name.

If it really is so important to him then let him take your name, that will show if what's important to him, you all having the same name, or you all having HIS name.

What a ridiculous prospect. I would find a double barrel name a pain. (a lot of signing my name)

I love the culture if changing my name, and where I am from it is usual and expected.

Interesting how other people's cultures are respected, but not mine?

I really don't care what others do, I wish only that they are happy with their choice. Why would you wish me to do something that would have caused me unhappiness fake ?

I don't think you should mindlessly do anything but please don't equate following a traditional culture with mindlessness.

It's rude.

"Interesting how other people's cultures are respected, but not mine?"

Odd thing to say. Changing your name on marriage has been traditional for English women for a very long time- it's not your culture specifically!

And anyway, nobody's cultural traditions are worthy of automatic respect.

Yes you said it its traditional and certainly expected in my culture, which may or may not share traditions with others in England. It's may be different down south for example. it may be rooted in place ( North South etc) or class ( working, middle upper)

Traditions get automatic respect because they are traditions! No one in their right mind would for example want to take part in some rituals that are culture / tradition other than that they are traditions! That's the point! Why dance round a maypole? Wear a wedding ring? On your left hand? We take part in them because we want to continue them and be part of them.

"Traditions get automatic respect because they are traditions!"

Only if you don't like thinking very much.