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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give my DC my surname?

412 replies

GummyBunting · 13/11/2015 16:00

This is a hypothetical situation really, but my OH and I have decided to TTC in the new year. Whilst chatting about the specifics, I said that as we are unmarried, I would want the baby to have my surname.
He was not happy. He wasn't overly mad or angry or upset (he's not the type) but I could tell it really took him aback. Is it a really weird request? And AIBU to actually dislike the assumption that babies will automatically get their father's name?

To avoid a drip feed:

  • I've always said I'd prefer to be married before having a baby. It probably isn't going to pan out that way now which isn't the end of the world, but I've always been honest about my preference.
  • We do intend to marry at some point.
  • I have a double barrelled surname. Please don't suggest I triple barrel, poor child.

Did anyone give their child their own surname? How did it go? Did the Dad mind?

OP posts:
SummerNights1986 · 15/11/2015 21:16
Hmm

You have no idea what 'ethnic group' the posters on this thread are from and there are a huge variety of opinions and different ways of doing things.

I think you're a bit tapped tbph. Either that or just very unhappy/sensitive about your own family set up and/or names. In which case, i'm sorry, but YASBU currer.

squoosh · 15/11/2015 21:19

'Yes it's shorthand for that group. Isn't that what a family is? A group with something in common?'

Confused

And families with more than one surname go by the shorthand of the 'Newman/Browns' or whatever.

Would that be too complicated for some of you?

CurrerBellend · 15/11/2015 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Headofthehive55 · 15/11/2015 21:22

I'd worry that doing the double barrelled thing might cause grief later on for your child. Imagine when they want to have a child. It would seem disloyal to either mum or dad to choose which name they kept.

AngelSparks · 15/11/2015 21:26

I think Sunday nights bring out the best of people....
Hmm

squoosh · 15/11/2015 21:26

The way I look at is you only get to name your own children. It's pointless to worry as to what surname will be bestowed on grandchildren or great grandchildren.

My children can choose whatever name they feel works best for them and their children.

Headofthehive55 · 15/11/2015 21:27

What do you see family as?

Well newman/Browns is more complicated than Newman or brown. But less complicated than Newman/brown/newman-brown

NameChange30 · 15/11/2015 21:27

headofthehive The Spanish have two surnames and when they have children they always pass on the father's name, which is still patriarchal, but at least women aren't expected to change their names when they get married. I think it would be cool for the mother to pass on her mother's name and the father to pass on his father's name. One matriarchal line, one patriarchal name.

NameChange30 · 15/11/2015 21:30

"Well newman/Browns is more complicated than Newman or brown. But less complicated than Newman/brown/newman-brown"

No one would ever list all the surnames in their various combinations, that's ridiculous. It's not hard (or inaccurate) to say "the Newman Brown family" is it?

squoosh · 15/11/2015 21:31

If people find more two or more surnames in a family to be a bit bamboozling well I'm afraid there's little I can do to help them with that. Nor would I be inclined to help them either to be honest. It's names, not quantum physics.

AngelSparks · 15/11/2015 21:32

SummerNights1986

hmm

You have no idea what 'ethnic group' the posters on this thread are from and there are a huge variety of opinions and different ways of doing things.

Good point Summer... obviously I'm traditional English. .. or am I? Lots of places have family names...

squoosh · 15/11/2015 21:33

What do I see family as?

Hopefully as more of a democracy than a patriarchy.

Headofthehive55 · 15/11/2015 21:37

Well if I was just Newman I would not be Newman Browns? I don't think I would. I suppose I see it as a different surname? But that's just me.

But then I would get terribly irritated by my maiden name being spelt incorrectly as it so often was.

CurrerBellend · 15/11/2015 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AngelSparks · 15/11/2015 21:47

You think I'm a fucking racist bigot

I disagree

Any danger of you getting of the cross and letting someone else have the wood?

fakenamefornow · 15/11/2015 22:17

The Team GB analogie doesn't work at all. A better one would be the whole of team GB going by one members name, Team Wiggins, for example, how do you feel about it now? Still all bonded and fuzzy feeling?

Let's imagine we didn't have the tradition of women not getting to keep their own name when they get married and children took one name from each of their parents. How do you think you would feel if your husband-to-be said that when you get married he wanted you to stop being known by your own name and start being known by his name?

Or even as things stand now, he said he wanted you to change your first name to his, as women used to, Mrs John Smith?

As I said earlier I think name changing will be something women in the future will be incredulous about, a bit like how we might feel about the property of women in the past passing to their husband on marriage or women being unable to vote.

Headofthehive55 · 15/11/2015 22:40

Oh fake I chose to use that form of address e.g. Mrs John smith on my seating plan!

Now that's possibly upset you further!

It seems to be those who don't like the convention of changing your name that want to impose their world view. Being called mindless and unthinking, because I choose to do something I want?

Being told that the convention is outdated ( as stated not here it isn't) and having my choices ridiculed. What a narrow view you have!

Whereas I'm quite open to other viewpoints, it doesn't faze me (other than knowing how to address someone). I neither feel the need to impose my way, nor pull down another.

DisappointedOne · 15/11/2015 22:58

Oh fake I chose to use that form of address e.g. Mrs John smith on my seating

I'd have walked out.

stitchglitched · 15/11/2015 23:00

If my DP wants to be part of a 'team' he's welcome to take my name when we get married. But my DC will always have my surname.

BertrandRussell · 15/11/2015 23:19

"Whereas I'm quite open to other viewpoints, it doesn't faze me (other than knowing how to address someone). I neither feel the need to impose my way, nor pull down another."

Really? But you still expect women to sit at place labelled "Mrs Hisfirstname Hissecondname"?

stitchglitched · 15/11/2015 23:24

I'd have walked out too. How disrespectful to the female guests not to be worthy of being called their own names.

BertrandRussell · 15/11/2015 23:26

And the team analogy is incredibly weak. Team GB is choosing a new name for a group of people that is significant to all- but not personal to one. Using the man's name for the whole team is like calling all the GB athletes Team Ennis.

RoundAndAroundWeGo · 15/11/2015 23:58

Both my DC have my last name. It went down like a lead balloon. DP wasn't too happy but he didn't kick off. His family had a shit fit. And his mum makes a point of when talking about her grandchildren online putting in their surnames and always gives my babies their dads surname even though they don't have his surname!! No need to use their full names she just likes to try winding me up

DisappointedOne · 15/11/2015 23:59

I did offer DH the option to choose a new name that we would both take after marriage. He couldn't comprehend what I was saying.

I booked our honeymoon. 2 weeks of him being called "Mr Myname" hammered home the point. Grin

AngelSparks · 16/11/2015 06:49

I didn't say the name had to be the man's name...

In fact I'm a firm believer if the couple aren't married then the child gets the mum's name - is that where I have been expressing myself wrong?

When I have been saying I don't like lots of names (see my example of LP/unmarried with 17 kids by 17 different dads... i think they should all have mum's name)