To want to have my DD with me at Christmas, just once?

[wasonthelist]

This will be 4th Christmas since we split. I ask if dd could have Christmas at my house (at least wake up here) every year. Ex refuses every year.

Going by what you've said your ex seems to be very... is volatile the right word?

I'd go with controlling and abusive.

Ime it took the law to make it clear that ex wasnt above the law.

She can't jerk you (and of course dd) around like this!

Across I mean after a court order. Jail is theoretically a penalty but it never happens - no judge is going to jail a parent who has the child living with them.

Anyway, appointment made for Wednesday with Lawyer.

Keep a note of everything. Keep all the emails. Make notes about normal contact as it has been up to now with days and times, and ensure that it is cleat that this changes are immediately after you requested Xmas. Note also that you have not asked dd and why. If ex does try to talk about it in front of dd make a note of that too.

She is being unreasonable. You are not asking for more than is normal.

Assuming there's been no abuse, of course.

Just talk it through the the lawyer. Ask about enforcement for noncompliance as you expect that your ex will be difficult. There are all sorts of things that can be written into orders to force a noncooperative party to cooperate.

Don't give up before you've even started.

Across I think enforcement is different in the US, however I have not given up before starting.

I have a lot of emails going back years.

There has been no abuse, I am not a deadbeat alcoholic etc just an ordinary person who fell out with their ex and wants a Christmas with dd.

Then there should be no problems (not pa).

I would have thought that the US would still put the child's best interests at the fore, and that they are similar enough to UK to agree that the child's best interests are served by having as good a relationship as possible with each parent.

You are asking for the chance to make a good secure relationship with your child, and to ensure that child also has the opportunity to forge strong bonds with her extended family on her father's side. It's not the moon.

Could very well be. Parent Alienation is taken very seriously here and it's recognized that it takes many forms, from actually lying about the parent to the child to make them think ill of the parent to denying access so that the relationship 'withers' from lack of contact.

I hope it all goes well. Your DD is lucky to have a parent who is determined to stay in her life.

OP, sorry to come out of the woodwork as I have been lurking on this thread a while!

I believe the best thing you can do is fight for your daughter. I only say this as someone that has personal experience of having a mother like this, she would do horrible things to my DF when they first divorced.
Children quickly realise which parent is there for them, my DF never said anything about the horrible things my mother did (I only found out later) but always shielded me from it but I quickly realised for myself.

Your DD is lucky enough to have a father that truly cares for her and wants to spend time with her and be involved in her life, your ex is frankly immature and unfair to not allow this. She is half you, your ex can't just claim your DD for herself because it suits her to have a perfect family photo at christmas.

Your wishes are entirely reasonable and shouldn't be ignored. Please fight, when your DD is an adult you will be so glad you did.

Just for reference, I went to live with my DF as a teenager and now see him almost everyday, the same cannot be said for my mother. This is what I am basing this off of.

I am assuming the op is dad and dd lives with mum. Same thing happened to my brother, ex sil basically refused and db never saw the kids until the day after Boxing Day. It was awful.

I agree with AcrossThePond, especially the post on 13/11 at 16.33.

OP good luck with the solicitor, I hope they're good and you get a cast-iron agreement that makes it easier for you to see you daughter. I'm glad you're going to stand up for your right to see her, it's so important to protect the relationship you have. Good luck.

I will never understand why parents act like this. Mine did it for years after they split.

It was my Dad insisting that I spend every Christmas with his side. One of my 'best' memories is listening to them slagging off my mother while I cooked and served Christmas dinner.

Consequently, I used to dread Christmas until I hit my mid-twenties and started to tell them where I was spending it.

Your ex is being a prize bitch. You're doing the right thing. Christmas should alternate each year between the parents - the extended family is not relevant.

Update. Met with solicitor today. We had a little giggle about me being the first of his "Christmas rush"-actually maybe that's a bit insensitive of me - sorry if it is. Basically he thinks I have grounds to ask for more contact and that a Court would probably agree, however he advises that mediation is now compulsory, even if the other party refuses to participate, before a Court application can be made.

As we all accept it's too late for this Christmas, his advice was to wait until the New Year, then ex can't mess up the bits of Christmas I am due for this year.

Solicitor asked if I wanted him to write ex a letter - I decided against. I think all that would do would be to start a long-winded correspondence at my expense.

I will seek a mediation referral in the New Year and a Court Order thereafter if we can't agree.

Thanks for all the input and encouragement.

How about a letter, with the instruction to your solicitor that you then deal with any responses rather than it turning into a lengthy exchange? It may be enough to make your ex think about the situation more considerately. Mediation/Court isn't cheap, although you can self-represent easily to keep the cost down. Info hope that you get the contact issues sorted out without too much hassle.

Good. You've gotten 'official' information from a solicitor and I hope a plan to pursue early next year.

I can see where the solicitor is coming from as far as Xmas this year and he's probably right to advise you to wait.

Just don't back down. Your DD deserves more time with her daddy and you deserve more time with her.

I'm the RP, my xh sees dd once a month, half of the school holidays. We alternate at Chistmas. It's my experience that most married women I meet think I'm barking to agree to being without dd every other Xmas and say in my position they wouldn't put up with it. I hate being without her but as I always say to them, I didn't want dd in later life to hate me for stopping her from seeing xh at Xmas.

We always have an extra Christmas Day on our years without the DSC. We absolutely love the excuse to have two Christmases - even down to opening stockings and having a turkey! This year, despite having them, we are having a mini one with each of my parents before the big day, my brother and his family on Christmas Day and then another one with all our children when we get back to our house! We will have gout by January, but the children are thrilled to be having so many Christmases! They even get another Christmas when they go home to their mother.
This time of year doesn't have to be horrendous for separated families.
OP - how about picking a date during your contact time over the holidays and turning that into your Christmas Day? I'm sure that your dd would be over the moon about it

Why don't you do mediation now (without your ex by the sounds of it) then you will be ready to go straight to court in the new year?

Asteria - That sounds good, but I think it would fall a little flat here. DD is an only child and I live alone so the "second" Christmas day would be just the two of us. Doubt I could persuade DM, stepdad and DS to rerun the whole thing, even if invited here for round2.

Another - The idea is to prevent any further erosion until after Christmas. Ex has already shortened time (no more bedtime stories) and started a ridiculous row about parking that would make a great AIBU on it's own since I sent the "Christmas isn't working" e-mail - getting an invite to mediation would (will) doubtless lead to more similar tactics and I want the time I do have with DD this Christmas.

I think a court order would be a good thing in the long term.

I think you will loose all contact at your ex's house. The bedtime stories and putting her to bed will stop. Rightly so no court can demand that contact should be at the RP home.

Egosumquisum - If DD expresses a strong wish to be at Ex's then I'd be mad to force her to be with me - thing is, she's never been given a choice. My house is where she spent early years, went to nursery and school from initially so it's not new/different.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange - I think you are right about losing the contact at Ex's place - and in retrospect, maybe I was a fool to agree to ever agree to it - esp as it seems to be regarded as me being granted some marvellous privilege.

Ex has now decreed I'm no longer allowed to pull car onto (spacious 2-car) drive when I collect DD - even though -
We have had zero issues with doing that for 3 years
I use the drive on the 2 afternoons I collect DD (because ex isn't there to moan about it) and it causes no problems.

I think it will be a good thing that I don't spend any time there actually.

Not a fool you sound like you will grab any time with your child with both hands.

You sound like a good parent